How to Claim a Human Mate
A Monsterly Yours Romance
S.J. Sanders
Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Epilogue
Author’s Note
Other Works by S.J. Sanders
About the Author
©2021 by Samantha Sanders
All rights reserved.
Editor: LY Publishing
Cover Art: Sam Griffin
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without explicit permission granted in writing from the author.
This book is a work of fiction intended for adult audiences only.
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Prologue
Lynn
I don’t know if I hate my life, but I do know that I hate one significant person in it. My husband, Andrew. I detest him with every breath in my lungs as I watch him stand smugly in front of me, puffing on his expensive cigars that my late father’s money provided for him. Andrew Bickner is the image of poise and elegance, so the sneer on his face just makes me all the more inclined to drown him in muddy water or something equally filthy.
“What do you want, Andrew?” I ask wearily, sick of his games.
“I think you know exactly what I want,” he snaps, combing a hand through his perfectly coiffed hair.
I can see a few strands of gray that his recent dye job missed, but I don’t point it out. He’s obsessed with maintaining the illusion of youth and mentioning his stray grays will only distract from the matter at hand. Instead, I eye him as I scoop out a little bite of mint gelato and slide it over my tongue with a silent moan of pleasure. Said pleasures have been few lately and I want nothing more than to scoop huge, drippy spoonfuls of the dessert into my mouth.
In fact, fuck gelato—I want the mint chocolate chip ice cream I enjoyed during my childhood. Ice cream that puddled in the corners of a waffle cone as I hurried to eat it before it melted into a sloppy mess. I sigh longingly. I haven’t had a cone in years, not since I was twelve and my mother took a stricter interest as she began to groom me for the future that she saw for me.
I grimace down at the tiny portion of gelato. After years of being the wife of a hotshot lawyer for an international corporation, I’m tired of having to be at the peak of perfection in every way. Tired of not being able to enjoy life just to maintain appearances. Above all, I’m far too tired for this conversation with Andrew.
“I’m sorry, Andrew, you’re going to have to break it down for me. What, exactly, is the problem?” I arch a thin, pale brow at him as I take another bite of my dessert.
“A divorce, Lynn. I mean, fuck, just look at you! You’ve put on weight, and you don’t even bother to dye your hair anymore. I’m embarrassed to even be seen in public with you.” Andrew pushes a hand through his blonde hair again.
I gape at him. “I went from a size six to a size twelve. My doctor says that my weight is fine.”
He shakes his head. “I’m trying to get into politics. The image I craft now is going to be the catalyst for the next step in my life. I need a regal, dignified woman at my side. A Jackie Kennedy, if you will, and you’re just not it anymore. Not with the way you’ve let yourself go.”
I regard him coolly as I take his measure, studying his hand and his flustered face. I may have “let myself go,” but it’s a damn sight better than what he’s done to himself in my opinion. He’s been overdoing it with the fake tan again. It looks almost unnatural against his blue eyes and fairer patches of skin where the spray couldn’t quite reach. Honestly, if anyone is embarrassed to be seen out in public together, it should be me. In his attempt to escape the mortal condition, he looks ridiculous.
Sure, my hips have a bit more padding than they did a couple of years ago, and I have more ass and thicker thighs. There are also a few fine wrinkles now at the corners of my eyes that he’s been on me to Botox away, although gods only know how they got there since I haven’t had much to smile about in forever. None of it hardly seems to warrant the disgust with which he is regarding me. I’m perfectly groomed as always and wearing the most fashionable, immaculate clothing that money can buy when I would much rather be wearing something loose and comfortable.
“I see. And this is the excuse you’re going for,” I drawl with a hint of amusement as I point my spoon in his direction.
His face flushes. “I need to be seen with a woman who has sex appeal and class, and you aren’t even trying. You just look… old.”
My laughter bursts out of me, surprising even me. “For fuck’s sake, Andrew, I’m hardly the Crypt Keeper here. But if that’s what will help you sleep better at night then it’s fine with me. Frankly, I’m quite done with you and all of this,” I say, gesturing around at the lavish apartment that Andrew insisted on having decorated in shades of ivory and cream.
I never understood why he chose that color scheme. It’s magazine perfect to be sure, especially with the hints of blue and gold in some of the decor, but it makes me terrified to live there even though my inheritance paid for most of it, just as it put him through law school and has paid for most of his little toys. I slowly set my bowl down and lace my fingers together over my lap.
“So now what? I presume there’s still something of my inheritance left for me to fall back on.”
He shrugs. “A little. Roughly two hundred thousand—or a little less. Enough to get by for a couple of years or more if you’re careful. As you know, we sold off your inherited shares of your father’s corporation years ago. They went a long way giving you the life you wanted.”
“You mean the life you insisted on, including attending that Ivy League law school,” I remind him. “I didn’t want to sell my shares in the company my daddy worked his whole life building. You insisted we needed the money. I never wanted this sort of lifestyle, and you know it.”
He straightens his cuffs and sighs. “It’s necessary. That is something you never understood, Lynn. All of this,” he gestures to the apartment and our clothes, “is necessary for building the sort of image that helps you get ahead in the world. And that takes money, poise, and dedication. But since you hate it all so much, I’m sure that you’ll be fine with your remaining inheritance.”
I raise an eyebrow and snort at his ill attempt at levity.
“I may not want to live in a magazine ad, but this is ridiculous, Andrew. You’re leaving me with practically nothing outside of the pittance that’s left of my inheritance.”
He shakes his head and gives me a smile. “Take that up with your lawyer, if you can afford one. Fair warning, though, I can tell you that any efforts will be unsuccessful. You did sign a prenup after all. I’m not required to give you anything.” Adjusting his cufflinks, his smile turns mocking. “Don’t worry, dear. You’ll hand on your feet, and who knows? Maybe you can even turn that p
itiful little café that your mom loved into something profitable with all the available time you will now have.”
“Yeah, maybe I will,” I agree, my eyes narrowing at his mocking tone.
That I feel an icy prickle of dread, I keep to myself. I’ve seen the reports on the café, and it’s come close to toeing the line of going in the red so many times over the years. It makes a profit, so Andrew hasn’t insisted that we sell it, but not much. I could sink a chunk of what money I have left into it or try to look for a more profitable spot. I always loved spending my afternoons as a teen helping my mom in her café, and the idea of going back to the business is unexpectedly appealing.
He strides by me and picks up a suitcase I didn’t even see packed and sitting just outside in the foyer. He doesn’t even spare me a glance until he fetches his coat, draping it casually over his arm. Only then does he look up at me, his expression wooden.
“My lawyers will be in touch in the morning with the papers.” He glances around the apartment. “Since the apartment is in my name, and we both know you can’t afford to take over the payments, I’ll expect you to be out by the end of the week. In the meantime, any calls for me can be forwarded to the Hilton.”
“Sure,” I reply, as if I have any intention of passing that message along.
Fuck him and his cronies.
I don’t bother standing much less walking him to the door, as he leaves. The moment he’s gone, I abandon the remains of the gelato as I stand to hunt out the whiskey. I feel like having something a bit stronger than dessert for celebrating.
Chapter 1
Three years later
Lynn
Tucking a lock of short blonde hair behind my ear, I look up from my accounting program and stare at my best friend.
“I’m sorry, we’re doing what now?” I ask in disbelief, certain that I’m hearing things.
“Harvest festival, you and me,” Kassie repeats, her blue eyes sparkling with humor as she stuffs a bite of an apple fritter into her mouth. Petite and somewhat curvy, my auburn-haired friend is the poster child for adorable. At seventh months pregnant, her adorableness has not only increased proportionally as she nibbles on everything in sight, but she also looks ready to pop. True to form, she gives me an excited smile. “Mom got me portal passes as a birthday present. Well, it was supposed to be for me and Jason, but he’s busy. So you’re the next victim on the list.”
“Fabulous. What else is new? He’s always busy,” I mutter as I take another sip of my coffee.
Ah, coffee, the elixir of the gods.
I feel bad when her smile falls, but it returns before I have the chance to apologize. “Yeah, but at least this gives us some girl time. And who doesn’t want to spend time at a harvest festival in a real orc village?”
I raise my hand. “Uh, me. This person right here. I mean, why orcs?” I grimace at the thought of a vacation surrounded by the brutish race. “Why not an elvish harvest festival?”
“Probably because they would never deign to invite a human to their kingdoms, not even for all the coffee beans in our realm,” she teases.
She’s got me there. Elves, while being the official spokespersons between the two worlds, aren’t exactly friendly to humans. They consider us the brutish and uncivilized ones. Go figure.
“Come on, Lynn, it’ll be fun. I promise. I’ve already put in for time off at work and Mom is going to have the kids. Don’t make me go to this thing alone.”
Her eyes widen pleadingly, and my lips quirk in spite of myself.
“And just how long were you planning on this adventure lasting?” I ask around another sip of coffee.
“A week.”
I groan softly and rub my forehead. “A week. I don’t know, Kassie. I am still trying to make the books balance and I need to look for a new venue for the café since clearly its location is no longer working for sales.”
She frowns at my screen, and I suppress the urge to hide it from her. Despite my best efforts, the last two months the café have been steadily declining.
“Are things that bad?” she asks quietly.
I sigh and muss my short hair. “Unfortunately, yes. Even trying to find a new location where there aren’t dozens of coffee shops already established in the same area is proving to be difficult. I might have to start looking out of state,” I admit. “I really don’t even know where to start with that.”
Kassie chews on her bottom lip for a moment but brightens. “Oh! What if you use this opportunity to scout business locations? I’ve heard of humans going cross-portal to start up new businesses. I doubt anyone over there has even heard of coffee.” She snaps her fingers. “I bet they would let us set up a vending booth in the mornings! We can get an idea for what sort of market there might be for you to set up a café in the mornings, and then we can have the rest of the day to explore and relax.”
I peer at her in surprise. I hadn’t even considered that option. From what I’ve read in recent publications, many entrepreneurs have been discovering the fae world to be ripe for expanding businesses as long as one can adapt to working around certain supply-side issues.
“That’s… not a bad idea. You wouldn’t mind if I set up my business across portal?”
She shrugs and gives me an unhappy, strained smile. “It’s not like we can see each other much now. We haven’t for years. And I know you’ve been stressed. If you end up getting a better opportunity there, then I’ll be happy for you. Besides, we can get magic mirrors and mirror each other every weekend if you decide to go for it. It also gives me an excuse to visit again in the future,” she adds with an attempt at a more genuine grin.
That smile is so hopeful, and there’s something so sad behind her eyes that I pause. I really don’t have time for a lengthy trip, even for business, but I recognize that look. It’s the look of a woman trying to convince herself and the world that all is well while trying to hold onto some part of her life, some measure of happiness. I’ll make time for her, and we can see if there is anything to her idea.
I lean back in my chair thoughtfully, my thumb rubbing back and forth across my lip. “The fact that electricity doesn’t exist over there—meaning none of our machines and appliances will work—may be a problem. I can bring propane tanks with me to set up a temporary work area, but I would eventually need to speak with someone locally to make a plan for a more long-term solution that’s compatible with the fae realms.”
Kassie bounces very subtly on the balls of her feet, her expression eager. “Then you’ll come?”
My lips quirk, and I can’t resist returning her grin.
“Okay. It sounds like it might be fun, and who knows? It may be the opportunity I’ve been looking for.”
Throwing her arms up in the air triumphantly, Kassie gives a triumphant whoop just before she encloses me in a squeezing hug that half-strangles me and makes me burst into laughter at the same time.
“You won’t regret this!” she assures me. “We’re going to have a blast sightseeing, tasting all the different foods… and I just know that everyone is going to love your coffee. Just you wait. This is going to be the getaway that we both need!”
“I’ll consider myself fortunate if I get lucky and discover that He-Man orcs like espressos and finger sandwiches,” I tease. “For now, I’m not going to pin my hopes on anything. This is just research and enjoying some downtime with my BFF.”
“Sounds great to me,” Kassie says, finishing with a sigh.
There seems to be a certain weight to that sound that makes my heart clench for her, but I’m trying not to infer. Regardless of whether this turns out profitable for me or not, I know that I’ve just made the right decision now. My best friend needs this—and me—right now. She deserves a little bit of happiness. Really, we both do. She may be right that we both need a bit of time to enjoy ourselves. I’ve put her on the back burner often enough when Andrew was scheduling my life; it’s time for me to be there now to support her any way I can.
I
wrap an arm around her shoulders and squeeze her close. “Besides, the idea of you going over there by yourself will likely give me nightmares,” I tease. “Knowing you, you’ll conquer the heart of some male, he will steal you away, and I would never see or hear from my best friend again. We can’t have that.”
Her smile surprisingly turns strained, but she shakes her head in denial and gives a weak chuckle. “Yeah, sure. Like anyone is going to find all this the answer to their dreams,” she snickers, gesturing to her ample pregnant belly.
“You never know. You’re pretty cute,” I drawl, pleased when I hear her snort a laugh.
She turns her head to peer up at me, her expression growing thoughtful. “Since the divorce… do you miss it? Having Andrew around?”
I choke on a laugh. “For what, exactly? Picking at the way I wear my hair, my dress, or the shape of my ass? I mean, even the sex wasn’t coming in on the regular. There wasn’t much left to miss by the time he left.”
My best friend falls silent and leans her head against my shoulder. I understand the unspoken questions she’s holding back—she’s wondering if this is going to be her future. I smooth her curly hair with one hand and hold her close. There will be time to worry about the future later. For now, we’re going to live in the moment.
“So… what should I pack for an orc harvest festival?” I say at length, to distract her. “Are we talking watching the autumn colors in upstate New York wear?”
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