by Amber Garza
“It’s okay. What’s up?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
I felt sick. I didn’t want to tell him now. What if he got mad at me? I didn’t think I could take it. I’d already lost one friend recently.
“Is everything okay?” I could hear the rustling of covers in the background. I pictured him sitting up in his bed.
“I wish you were here,” I whispered, feeling close to tears.
“What’s going on, Kenz?”
“I just….well…I need to tell you something.”
“You can tell me anything. You know that.”
“I know.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Isaac, I haven’t been completely honest with you lately.”
Chapter Nine
“What do you mean?” I detected the wariness in his voice.
“It’s not that I lied to you or anything. I just didn’t tell you everything.”
“You’re scaring me, Kenzie.”
I was scaring myself. If only I hadn’t started to talk. It's not like he would have ever found out about Tanner and furthermore, nothing was going on between us. We were just friends. But now that I had made such a big deal about it, he would think there was something going on. Maybe I should just tell him something else. Yes, that was it. I could tell him about thinking I saw Wesley at the theatre. I sat up, and the cross necklace rubbed against my skin.
No, I had to tell the truth. I knew better than anyone how dangerous a secret was; how it could fester and poison.
“Remember how I told you I made a new friend at church?”
“Yeah.”
“The friend is a guy.”
“And?”
“That’s it. That’s what I didn’t tell you.”
A relieved laugh slipped through the retriever. “Kenzie, you’re allowed to have friends who are guys. I thought you were going to say you had feelings for him or something. But as long as you’re just friends that’s okay.”
My heart soared. I had been worried for nothing. I should have known Isaac wouldn’t be mad. He wasn’t weird or controlling. Besides, he trusted me.
“Yeah, we’re just friends.”
“And it’s not like you hang out alone together,” he added. “You went out with a group from church, right?”
“Yes, I did.” My stomach clenched. It was true that we had gone out with a group to the movies, but Tanner and I had spent plenty of time alone together. I made a vow to stop doing that. From now on, I would make sure we were always in a group. Then I would have nothing to feel guilty about.
“Kenzie,” Isaac’s voice was soft. “I’m really glad you told me the truth. It’s hard to be in a long distance relationship. We have to be able to be honest with each other.”
He was so understanding, so sweet. “I miss you, Isaac.”
“Christmas will be here before you know it,” he responded.
As I drifted off to sleep that night, I fantasized about Christmas with Grandma and Isaac. The thought made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Bump. Thump. Crash.
I sat upright in my bed. The covers fell from my shoulders and gathered around my waist. My room was dark. The light from the streetlamp shone through the cracks in the blinds, slashing across my walls.
Footfalls. Another thump.
The hair on the back of my neck stood at attention. Sweat beaded along my shoulder blades. My heart hammered in my chest. I crept off my bed, and tiptoed out of the room.
A crash made me jump. I clutched my chest, feeling my heartbeat bounce under my fingertips. I peeked into my mom’s room but she was gone. Her covers lie in a pile on the ground near the end of her bed. Her sheets were twisted as if someone had yanked her out of them. My stomach dropped.
More noises came from the family room. What was going on? I tiptoed down the hallway, scarcely breathing. Cold hair slapped me in the face.
The front door was wide open. The freezing night air rushed in. Our family room was ransacked. My Bible was flapping on the floor, and some of the pages were ripped out and littered the carpet. The end table was toppled over, a chair was overturned. A glass of water had spilled over and soaked the ground.
Swallowing hard, I took a step forward. My defenses were up. I swiveled my head in every direction, ready for someone to spring from the shadows. A woman’s voice caught my attention. It sounded like Mom. I followed the voice, which came from outside.
She stood on the grass, her sheer nightgown billowing around her like a cloud. Her blond hair framed her face in a ragged mess. She spoke in a monotonous voice like a chant. Almost as if she was reciting something. Her eyes were glassy, her pupils wide.
“Mom?” I stepped onto the grass. It was cold and wet under my bare feet.
She stared right through me. Her face was pale against the dark sky. Her flesh seemed to glow in the darkness.
“Mom?” I repeated but again she was unresponsive. Her lips continued to move in her unintelligible chant.
“Who did this? Did someone hurt you?”
Tears pricked my eyes. I reached out my hand, and gently touched her shoulder. It was icy. She flinched, and recoiled.
Blinking, she shook her head as if coming out of a fog. She looked at me like she just now noticed I was there. Her lips stopped moving and her eyes widened in confusion. “What’s going on?” She wrapped her arms around her body. She glanced around at her whereabouts, and seemed confused by them. “Oh my, what am I doing out here in my pajamas?”
I watched her in disbelief, as she scurried back into the house. She screamed upon entering and I rushed to her side.
“What happened?” She asked, her gaze shooting around the trashed family room.
When she turned to me, I shook my head. “I don’t know. I woke up and found the place like this and you were…you were standing outside completely zoning out.” I closed the door, locking the heat inside. “You don’t remember anything?”
She shook her head. Her eyes watered as she took in the room. “Oh no. It’s happening again.”
My stomach tightened. “What is?”
She grabbed her head in her hands. “I need to get some sleep. We’ll talk later.”
“Shouldn’t we call the police first? I think we might have been robbed.” Even though it appeared that nothing was missing, it was the only explanation I could come up with. I mean, who would break into a home just to make a mess?
“No!”
I reeled back from the strength of her words.
“No.” She said more gently this time. “I’ll deal with all of it in the morning. Just go back to sleep, honey.” She ran a hand through her stiff, tangled hair and then walked back to her room.
My gaze swept over our family room in shambles. I wondered what Mom meant when she said it was happening again.
Chapter Ten
A week had gone by since the incident in the middle of the night. The following morning, Mom cleaned up the house before I even got out of bed. She refused to talk about the bizarre event again, so I was left wondering. I mentioned it on the phone with Grandma but she was just as clueless as I was. However, she got so worried that I wished I had kept it to myself.
Mom also made it clear that we were not to involve the police, so from that I surmised that she knew whoever trashed our house and she didn’t want them getting in trouble. Nothing was missing that I could see so I let it go. In the back of mind I wondered if my dad was somehow involved, but I tried not to think about it too much.
Haley still wasn’t speaking to me and Drake took up all of Mom’s time. I was grateful for my conversations with Isaac and my friendship with Tanner. Really, they were the only things keeping me going.
Tanner and I had started sitting with Rick and Janna at lunch. At first they kind of got on my nerves since they were always so lovey-dovey with each other, but they were growing on me. I figured Isaac and I would be pretty similar if we went to school together. My heart squeezed at the thought. That would be
so awesome.
It was early Saturday morning. Mom was still sleeping. Birds chirped outside the window, but other than that the street was serene. I sat on my bed, lacing up my tennis shoes. Tanner would be by in about ten minutes to pick me up.
Today we were going with the youth group to hike up Multnomah falls. Even though I’d gone a ton of times in my life, I still always enjoyed it. I planned to take a lot of pictures with my phone when we got to the top, so I could text them to Isaac. He had never been. I liked to think that one day we would hike it together. I envisioned us standing at the top, arms wrapped around each other, as we stared down at the breathtaking waterfall.
My fingers itched to shoot him a text but I didn’t want to wake him. It was his only day to sleep in, after all. Plus, he’d been so busy with basketball tryouts. I smiled, thinking about how happy he’d been when he called the other day to tell me he’d made the team. Not that I’d ever had any doubt. I wished I could go to his games and cheer him on. The thought of a bunch of cute cheerleaders in short skirts encouraging him, turned my stomach.
Tanner arrived with coffee-filled thermoses. He’d already picked up Rick and Janna, and they snuggled in the backseat. After saying hello, I grabbed my coffee and took a long sip. Then I settled into my seat, preparing for the half hour drive.
It was beautiful at the falls. The air was crisp and cool, typical of an October morning in Washington. Clouds rolled in overhead, blanketing us in gray drab colors. But the grass was a vibrant green and the soundtrack of the rushing water played as we walked to the trail. When we arrived, our youth pastor, Doug, paired us up for the hike. Rick and Tanner walked a few feet ahead of Janna and I. We had all started out together but the boys walked so much faster than us that we finally let them pass us. The rest of the group was far ahead of us by now.
“Ugh. I have total coffee breath.” Janna pulled a pack of gum out of her backpack. “Want a piece?”
I was sure I had coffee breath as well so I nodded. She popped a piece into her mouth as I took one from the pack. I put it in my mouth and bit down, minty juices running all over my tongue. Janna was probably hoping to erase all her bad breath so she could make out with Rick later. It seemed to be her favorite pastime.
“So, when are you two gonna make it official?” Janna gave me a conspiratorial look. Her long black hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail and it swished in the breeze as we walked.
“What are you talking about?"
Janna glanced up at the boys walking ahead of us. “You and Tanner. It’s so obvious you guys are totally into each other.”
My cheeks warmed. “We are not.”
“Whatever.” Janna giggled, showing off her gleaming white teeth, such a contrast to her dark skin. “I see the way you two look at each other. It’s the same way Rick and I do. So, why the big secret?”
I cleared my throat. “Janna, I have a boyfriend.”
Her eyes widened. “Seriously? And you’re cheating on him with Tanner. Wow. So scandalous.” She looked like a cat who had just swallowed a mouse.
“No, of course not. Tanner and I are just friends.”
“Oh.” Janna pursed her lips. “Well, where is this mystery man?”
“He lives in California. I met him over the summer when I was visiting my Grandma.”
“Oh, so it’s a long distance relationship? You know, those never last.”
I hated how everyone kept saying that. “It will for Isaac and I. We love each other.”
“Well, he must be pretty special if you’re choosing him over Tanner. Most girls would give anything to have Tanner look at him the way he does you.”
I took a deep breath, looked at the greenery all around us and tried to settle my nerves. “No, he doesn’t like me. We’re just friends.” Why did I feel the need to keep repeating that statement? Was I trying to convince Janna or myself?
“Oh, he likes you all right. It’s totally obvious.”
I bit my lip, mulling over what Janna had said. Was it true? Did Tanner have feelings for me?
“You know,” Janna continued. “I totally love Rick and everything, but Tanner is super hot. He’s like every girl’s fantasy. You should have seen how excited all the girls were at church when he started attending. But he didn’t even give anyone else a second glance. He’s been all about you.”
Her words caused my heart rate to speed up, and perspiration to gather on my palms. I shouldn’t want her words to be true, and it shouldn’t make me happy. But she was right. Most girls had a huge crush on Tanner. In fact, I’d been one of them for many years. I thought I’d outgrown those feelings. Also, that I didn’t care how people perceived me, but the thought of girls being jealous of me because of my relationship with Tanner gave me a giddy feeling inside.
I glanced over at Janna wearing her sweatshirt, jeans and hiking boots, a camera hanging from her neck. She turned to me, and smiled, revealing the wad of bright blue gum on her tongue.
“Well, you can tell the girls at church that Tanner is fair game, because we’re just friends.” The words literally hurt as I forced them out of my throat.
Shaking her head, Janna said, “I still can’t believe you’re passing on Tanner. You must be crazy.”
In that moment, I wondered if she was right.
By the time we reached the top, we had caught up to Tanner and Rick. Janna squealed at the sight of the waterfall and threw her arms around her boyfriend. Then she held out her camera and started snapping pictures of the two of them, their faces pressed together.
I smiled awkwardly at Tanner, the memory of my conversation with Janna playing like a broken record in my mind.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I asked Tanner as I stared down at the foamy rush of water.
“Breathtaking.”
I glanced up at Tanner who was staring right at me with a look so intense, it caused heat to rise up my neck and spill across my cheeks. Taking a deep breath, I averted my gaze. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone with the intention of taking a couple photos.
“So, you’re calling him, huh?” I tried to ignore the jealousy in Tanner’s voice; tried to tell myself it was just a figment of my imagination. I wanted to believe that Tanner only thought of me as a friend and that he supported my relationship with Isaac. But deep down I knew that wasn’t true.
I shook my head. “No, I was just going to take some pictures.”
Relief swept over his features. He beamed at me. “Here, let me.” He grabbed the phone from my hand. Holding it out in front of us, he pressed his cheek to mine and snapped a shot. He was so close I could smell his aftershave lotion, and the sweat on his skin. My pulse quickened. My heart pounded in my chest. He turned to me, his face inches from mine.
I froze, unable to move or even breathe. His face came closer and somewhere in the back of my mind, alarm bells went off. I knew I should step back, or push him away. But my feet stayed rooted to the ground, like I was a tree on the mountain, a permanent fixture. I could hear the blood rushing through my ears, feel the beating of my heart. The world around us stopped. It was like we were the only people up there. Tanner’s eyes stared into mine. I swallowed hard, and kept my gaze even.
A scream sounded behind us. We both jumped back. It was Janna.
“Snake! Snake!” She hopped up and down on one foot. It would have been comical if she hadn’t been so frightened.
I scoured the ground and saw what made her scream. A large reptile peeked out of a nearby bush. It’s head turned in my direction, and it stuck out it’s serrated tongue. Fear coursed through me. My body trembled, but I stood my ground. I would not back down. I’d fought a snake before and won. With more courage than I felt, I glared at the creature and took a step forward, stomping my foot in an effort to scare it away.
It hissed and slithered the other direction.
“Oh my gosh,” Janna gushed. “It’s like it was scared of you or something.”
“Yeah, that was wild,” Rick offered.
Tanner came up beside me, clamped his hand down on my shoulder. “From now on, we’ll call you the snake whisperer.”
They all burst out in laughter. My skin burned where Tanner’s hand had touched it. I wiggled away from him, desperate to get as far from the mountain as possible.
That night Mom came home late from work, a bag of Chinese food in her hand. The scent of fried food and spices made my stomach growl. I realized I hadn’t eaten since lunch. The events of the day had left me so conflicted that my stomach was tied in knots. My guilt increased when I talked to Isaac on the phone earlier in the evening. He was genuinely excited about my hike and wanted to see pictures. Unfortunately, the only pictures I had were of my face pressed against another guy’s. I lied to Isaac and said I didn’t take any, which made me feel even worse. Now, not only had I deceived Isaac, I had sinned. Man, I was the worst Christian ever.
After I hung up shame descended on me like a thick blanket. I was so angry with myself.
You can’t do anything right. You make a mess of everything. You’re not even worthy of him. You’re trash. The whisper was back. I wanted to tell him to go away but in some ways it was a comfort to me in its familiarity. Plus, it was right. I shivered and ended up in a place I never thought I would again – in the bathroom with a razor to my arm.
After Mom got home, I made sure my long sleeved shirt was pulled down low over my new cut so she wouldn’t see it. The last thing I needed was her breathing down my neck about it. I felt bad enough myself.
As we sat down at the small pub table in the kitchen, I grabbed a paper plate and piled it high with orange chicken and pot-stickers.
“How was your date with Mr. Hot Stuff?” Mom asked, spewing rice out of her mouth.
Irritated, I said, “Can you please not call him that?”
“Sure, when you stop calling Drake, my boy-toy.” She raised her eyebrows.
“Fine.” I stuffed a forkful of chicken into my mouth. The dim kitchen light flickered. Man, that thing was always going out. We knew the wiring was bad but our Slumlord didn’t care.
