Something is wrong here. Something is very wrong.
Finally, I can’t take it anymore. I throw on my flip-flops, and I knock on Ryan’s door and tell him I’m going to Ari’s for a few minutes. He doesn’t respond. He never responds.
I wait a minute for Tyler to say something, but he’s quiet, too. So I take my house key and run downstairs before I have time to second-guess my decision.
“How was the first day of school?” Mrs. Etisof asks.
“It was, um, good!” I yell back. I really don’t have time to talk right now, and I hope she gets that. I don’t want to seem rude. It’s great that she’s outside so much, but sometimes I just don’t have time to talk.
I glance over at Jason’s house, hoping to see him outside, but he’s not there.
When I get to Ari’s, I walk around the side of her house to see if she’s in her room, and then I realize that’s super-creepy, so I run back around to the front and ring the doorbell.
Her mom answers a few seconds later. “Oh hi, Kaylan.”
“Hi!” I smile. “Is Ari home?”
“Um, yes, she’s home.” Something seems off, but I’m not sure what. Usually, she’s cheerier when she sees me. Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe the first day of school is hard on moms, too.
She holds the door open for me. “I think she’s in her room.”
I knock gently on Ari’s door and then say, “Housekeeping! Do you need any towels?” I don’t get any response. I wait a few seconds and then say, “Hey, Ar, it’s me. I figured I’d surprise you.” I laugh a little because I suddenly feel stupid saying all of this when I’m not even sure she’s listening. “Can I come in?”
She opens the door. “Um, what are you doing here?” she asks.
“Well, I figured I’d surprise you, pop in, and we can rehash the day.”
Ari sighs, walks back into her room, and I take that as a sign that it’s okay to follow her.
The 11 Before 12 List is sitting out on her desk. I brought my copy, too, because I carry it pretty much everywhere I go.
“What do you want to rehash, exactly?” Ari asks me. “The fact that you didn’t save me a seat at lunch? The fact that you and that Cami girl are BFFs now?”
“Ari, come on.”
“Don’t come on me, Kaylan.” She pulls her hair back into a ponytail, and sits up straighter on her bed. “You know it’s true.”
“Well, it’s not what I planned,” I say quietly, and sit down on the edge of her bed. “I was looking all over for you in the cafeteria. And truthfully, I kind of thought you sat somewhere else.”
“Kaylan,” she snaps. “I would never do that. Not in a million years. On our first day of middle school! Never!”
“Okay.” I look down at my worn-out flip-flops on the floor of Ari’s room. They’re visible proof in shoe form that summer is over, and we can’t go back to it. “But why were you late?”
“I got lost!” She sniffles and rubs her eyes. “I was in the B wing, and I forgot that I needed to cross over to the A wing to get to the cafeteria. Somehow I ended up by the gym! I had to ask a teacher where to go! I don’t even know what happened.”
“Okay, well, we need to make a plan,” I say, “so this never happens again.”
Ari listens. “Go on.”
“A meeting spot. A code word,” I explain. “If we ever need to talk privately, we say the word photo and we meet by the darkroom on the third floor.”
“But how will you know if I’m lost? Or how will I know you need to talk?” she asks. “And I didn’t even know there was a darkroom!”
“I saw it today; I have astronomy up there. So, just know that’s our meeting spot,” I tell her. “Remember our code word. And we’ll fine-tune it. And I’m sor—”
Right as I’m about to apologize for what happened today, Ari’s phone rings. She looks at it, smiles, and then answers.
“Hey, Jason,” she says.
Jason?
They’re at the talk-on-the-phone level of friendship now? Jason and I are just texting friends, and not even every day.
And she’s mad at me that I talked to Cami at lunch?
“Yeah, it was good,” she says, turning away from me. “I mean, the science teacher I have seems really strict. She grades homework! So crazy. How was your day?”
Seriously?
Then I realize I didn’t even see Jason at lunch. I was too stressed about Ari. I wonder who he sat with. I’ll text him later.
I stare at Ari, hoping she’ll turn around and look at me and give me some kind of sign about what’s going on. But she keeps her back to me. And I start to feel worse and worse. Maybe I should give them privacy. But I wouldn’t know where to go.
Get off the phone. Get off the phone. Get off the phone.
I don’t know what to do, where to look. I feel around in my pocket for my phone, but it’s not there. I guess I left it at home. My throat burns like I’m about to cry. I feel like I should leave, but I can’t leave right now, not with the way things are between us.
“Really? That’s so weird,” Ari says, and then bursts into laughter. “Just come over. I’ll show you my schedule again.”
Ari has been on the phone for three centuries.
Finally, after what feels like a million more questions and a million more minutes of laughing, she gets off the phone.
“That was Jason,” she says, like I couldn’t have figured it out. “He’s coming over.”
“I guessed that. Because you said ‘hey Jason.’ And also ‘come over.’”
“Don’t be rude, Kaylan.” She hops off her bed and grabs her laptop off the shelf, opens it up, and starts typing. Like I’m not even here.
“Can we discuss what’s going on?” I ask. All my good feelings about the first day start to fade away like marker on a dry-erase board.
“What do you want to discuss?” She closes her laptop and folds her hands on top of it.
“Um, first, why you’re mad at me. Second, Jason. Third, what you’re wearing tomorrow. Fourth, the list.”
Second-day outfits are almost as important as first-day outfits, but nobody realizes it. I mean, everyone’s still looking at you on the second day of school the way they are on the first. So it’s just as big of a deal to choose carefully.
“I’m mad at you because you pretty much forgot about me. I was wandering around alone, looking for you, after I was completely lost, and I was panicking that you were panicking. But then I found you, sitting without me, and you were totally fine!” she yells. “Jason is my friend and neighbor. He calls me. I call him. Remember our guy friend thing? I’m wearing my ripped black jean shorts and that hot-pink uneven-bottomed T-shirt we got at the mall a few weeks ago. And we have to decide on our next thing on the list.”
“Okay. Thanks for responding to all my items.” I smile. “I’m sorry you think I forgot about you. I totally didn’t.”
“Okay.” She stays quiet for a minute and then, smiling, she says, “Listen, Kay, I gotta finish some homework.” She puts her hand out. “Truce?”
I take her hand. “Truce.” I pull my hand away and decide I’ll stay and hang a few more minutes, until Jason comes over.
But Ari starts doing her homework, and I realize I’m just sitting here staring at her old class pictures on the wall. I stand up to leave.
“Hey hey hey,” Jason says.
“Hey!” I say, and decide to sit back down.
Ari launches straight into schedule talk. “So you switched math with history? And you changed electives?” she asks. “That means we will have history together. . . .” They get into such an in-depth conversation about this that my head starts to spin.
“Guys, I know this conversation is important, but we also need to discuss something even more important,” I start. “Do we think the hot lunches at school are made from real food? Or is it some kind of weird science experiment?”
I crack up, thinking they’ll join in, but Ari just stares at me, and Jason only lets out a
tiny giggle.
Finally Jason says, “I must admit, I, um, ate the burrito today.”
“You ate a school cafeteria lunch burrito on the first day?” I shriek. “That’s, like, the most daring lunch option you could’ve picked.”
“It is.” He stands up and bows. “And I lived to tell the tale. I am literally superhuman.”
I clap for him and wait for Ari to join in, but she doesn’t.
“Ari! Show some excitement—you and I have a superhuman friend!” I stand up and smile. “I better get home.”
“See you at the bus in the morning?” Ari asks.
I nod. “And we’ll decide on the next list item on the ride to school?”
“Sounds good.”
“You two and your list.” Jason laughs. “Should we take bets on if you’ll actually complete it?”
“No, of course not,” I say. “Obviously, we’ll complete it.”
“Yeah,” Ari adds. “Kaylan thinks something really bad will happen to us if we don’t finish the list.” She looks at Jason and rolls her eyes.
“Ari!” I yell.
“Like, what’ll happen?” Jason asks, sitting down on Ari’s bed. “You’ll have to finish sixth grade on Mars?”
Ari cracks up.
“Yeah, exactly.” I glare at them. “Or everyone we know, ahem, our superhuman friend, will turn into frogs!”
Thankfully they laugh at that, and I leave Ari’s room and her house. For a few seconds I feel better, like we worked things out and didn’t let awkwardness linger. That’s what happened with my BFFs in fourth grade, and then the lingering went on so long that by the time any of us dealt with it, we weren’t even really friends anymore.
That can’t happen with Ari and me. I won’t let it.
But on the walk home, I start to feel the agita again. The Jason thing is bugging me. I mean, that didn’t seem like the first time he’d called her. And then he came over—and it was sort of fun, but also a little awkward. I felt left out of their neighborly friendship.
When I get home, I find my mom sitting at the kitchen table, staring at her phone.
“Kaylan!” she screams.
“What?” I startle.
“I had no idea where you were! I’ve been calling your phone over and over again. I checked your computer. I searched your room. I have been—”
“Mom.” I put my hands on her shoulders. “Calm down. Please calm down. I was at Ari’s. I told Ryan.”
“He said you disappeared.” She starts wiping her eyes, and I see tears dribbling down.
“Mom.” I step back and fold my arms across my chest, fired up and angry.
I take a deep breath, and I put an arm around her. I guide her over to the couch in the den.
Once we’re seated and she’s stopped crying, I say, “I told Ryan. It’s not my fault he’s a complete imbecile. I’m sorry you were worried. I had a hard day, too.”
I didn’t plan to cry, but once I start talking, the tears well up in the corners of my eyes.
“Oh, Kaylan, shhh,” she says. “It’s going to be okay.” She pulls me into a hug, and soon I’m soaking my mom’s dressy blouse with my salty tears. I can smell her flowery perfume, and I want to cuddle against her forever and ever. I want her to magically make all my problems disappear. I want to be five again, watching cartoons with her on the couch after kindergarten, eating the snack buffet she put out for me, and not worrying about homework or boys or friends or anything.
She strokes my hair. “I’m sorry I got so worked up. I should relax. You’re responsible.”
“I am responsible.” I sniffle.
We sit there for a little while longer, and she tells me some funny story about how one of her coworkers got a singing telegram for her birthday.
“He was dressed up like a giant rabbit, and he sang ‘You Are My Sunshine.’”
We laugh a little about that, and she strokes my hair. “How was the rest of your day?” she asks.
“Well, my classes were okay, nothing crazy, but then everything went downhill at lunch,” I start. “I was trying to find Ari so we could sit together but then she was late, and I couldn’t walk around alone and then—”
I choke back tears but pretty soon I’m full-on sobbing again.
“First days are always hard. For everyone. It’s okay,” my mom says over and over.
I want to believe her, but I don’t. It doesn’t feel okay. I want everything to feel normal and safe and manageable. I just don’t know how to make it that way.
EIGHTEEN
FOR THE NEXT WEEK, EVERY day at lunch, I make sure to save Ari a seat at the table with Cami and June and the other girls. They’re not our friends yet. Not really. They’re pretty much just lunch friends, but I’m okay with that. There are other girls who sit at the opposite end of the table, and I don’t even know their names. Ari knows a few of them from some of her classes, and a few from Hebrew, but they’re not BFF material. Not yet, anyway.
“Wait, so tell me about the kiss again,” Cami says to June, leaning over the table.
My cheeks flash hot, and I look around. Have they all kissed someone already? And Ari and I are the only ones who haven’t?
Saara looks down at her lap, and then goes up to refill her water bottle. I doubt she’s kissed anyone.
“It was at this church family camp thing, at the end of the summer,” June starts. “A million churches all together, like every Korean kid in Connecticut was there.” She smiles. “And I met this kid Chris, and we just talked. I don’t know.” She starts giggling and we all stare at her, waiting for her to continue.
“And?” Cami asks, eyes wide.
“And that was it. We kissed on the last night.” She shakes her head fast, all flushed. “I can’t talk about it anymore, guys. It’s too weird!” she squeals.
“Come on, June,” one of the other girls from the end of the table says. I think her name is Amirah. “You have to give more details!”
She shakes her head again. “I can’t! Lunch is over!” She stands up to throw away her trash. “Ta-ta!”
Everyone stares at her as she leaves the table, and then we all just look at each other. She just left us hanging. I want to know how the first kiss actually happened, the steps from beginning to end. I wonder if anyone else has a first kiss story to share, if they’ll share them tomorrow.
Ari and I talk with our eyes as we’re leaving the cafeteria.
My eyes say: So glad we’re walking together.
Ari’s eyes say: Me too.
“Bye, guys,” Cami says to us.
“Bye,” we reply at the same time.
Cami always stops in the bathroom after lunch to triple check that there isn’t any food in her teeth, so she doesn’t walk with me to science. It’s kind of good because Ari and I can walk together and make plans without anyone else feeling bad.
“So you’re coming over after school, right?” I ask her, as we walk down the hall.
“Uh-huh.”
“Let’s try to do two things on our list this week,” I suggest.
“I have one idea that’ll work perfectly for us,” Ari says. “My temple is having this major event this weekend to raise money for the local soup kitchen. And they need volunteers to pass out hors d’oeuvres and stuff.”
“Yeah?”
We stop in front of the classroom where Ari has English and finish chatting. “So I thought it could be our help-humanity thing or at least help us get started with it. I know we attempted to clean up the toys in your basement, but that wasn’t really helping humanity. Just your mom.”
I think about it for a second. “Yeah, you’re right. We can definitely do it,” I say, careful not to shoot down her idea. Everyone’s allowed to help out at Ari’s synagogue, and I’ve gone to fun events there like the Purim carnival, but I always feel a little funny, since I’m not Jewish. “But we still need something bigger.” I bulge out my eyes. “Like, major.”
Ari looks around the hallway, like she’s embarra
ssed people will hear us. “Um, okay, Kaylan.” She laughs, walking into her classroom. “I guess we’ll discuss it more later.”
On the walk home from the bus stop, Ryan and Tyler are in front of us, and I can’t focus. My heart is all pat-pat-flutter-flutter, and I can’t calm it down.
Tyler’s shorts are hanging low on his hips, and he keeps yanking them up as he walks.
Step. Yank. Step. Yank.
I keep thinking that Tyler walked right here, just moments ago. He’s right in front of me. My shoes are touching the same sidewalk that his shoes touched.
I feel like a total crazy person. Why am I thinking about these things? This obsession with Tyler is in full force and I don’t even know when it started or why.
It’s like it just happened, out of nowhere, like when your feet grow and suddenly your shoes don’t fit. You didn’t see them grow, you don’t even know when they grew. But you know your shoes don’t fit anymore.
“Look at him,” I whisper and nudge Ari with my elbow.
“What?” she whispers back. I clearly caught her in the middle of deep thought.
“Tyler.” I nudge my head in his direction.
“What about him?”
I glare at her, but she doesn’t notice. I stop walking, pull her close, and whisper, “Look how his hair sticks up just the tiniest bit in the back, like that one little piece of hair at the base of his neck. And that little patch of sunburn on his neck, like he missed a spot. He’s so cute.”
Ari cracks up. “Kaylan, seriously? I mean, I get that he’s cute. But is that the only reason you like him?”
I nod, wondering how many reasons you really need to like someone. We let them get a little farther ahead of us, so I’m sure they won’t overhear. “He’s not just cute. He’s so cute. And look at the curls on the back of his head. They just stay there, like, perfectly. Like he curled them himself, but he didn’t, they’re natural. And they’re so cute!”
“You’ve got to stop saying cute!” Ari hits me on the arm.
I squeal, and probably too loud because a few seconds later Ryan and Tyler turn around to look at us.
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