by Amy Brent
“Exactly,” I said. “Designers like that are way too high strung. We should get paid double for having to stand around with our thumbs up our asses.”
“Seriously?” she asked.
I watched her nod her head to Caleb.
“Sorry,” I said. “Not used to being around kids.”
I watched her nod her head, like she was logging something away in her mind. What, did she think I wouldn’t be a good father because I hadn’t been around kids? She was acting strange. She was oddly distant. Did she not want to show affection to me in front of Caleb? Or was she testing me somehow?
The rest of lunch was like that. Except for when we talked about work, her answers were pretty clipped. She seemed relaxed when tending to Caleb, but when her attention was on me she tensed up. I wasn’t sure what I’d done, but I was determined to show her I could do this.
Maybe then she’d feel more comfortable talking to me about Caleb.
I paid for our lunch despite her protests, then we made our way out the door. She was struggling with Caleb’s diaper bag and car seat as well as having him on her shoulder. I reached down for her diaper bag to try and take it, but she pulled it away from me before I could take it from her.
“Let me help you with something. You look a bit off balance,” I said.
“I’ve got it,” Jessi said. “I’ve had it for the past eight months.”
She shrugged me off and it took me aback. She was angry. But what the hell did she have to be angry about? She was the one choosing not to identify Caleb’s father. She wasn’t going to sell me on that bullshit about not knowing who he was. She knew. I knew she did. All she had to do was tell me and we could figure this out.
But for some reason, she wouldn’t.
She popped her trunk open and tossed everything in the back. She set the car seat down onto the ground, then tried to pull out a stroller. She was stumbling on her own two feet and Caleb was unsteady on her shoulder, and before I could say anything she was falling off to her side.
I reached out and caught her around her waist, keeping her upright as my free hand flew to the back of Caleb’s head. She looked over at me as I set her back on her feet, my eyes giving her a stern glare.
“Give me Caleb,” I said. “Get yourself set up.”
She held my gaze for a long time before she finally nodded. She released Caleb into my care and I picked him up from her shoulder. I held him out in front of me before curling my arm around him, watching as he looked up at me with curious eyes.
“Well hello there,” I said. “I’ll give you back to Mommy in a second. She just needs both her hands. You know how that goes, right?”
I held my finger out to Caleb and he wrapped his entire hand around it. His tiny, delicate little hand, and it wrapped all the way around one of my fingers. I felt a kindred bond with this child. This helpless little infant in my arms. The way he smiled up at me and the way his eyes twinkled with happiness. I felt my heart swell with a pride I’d never felt before.
And the entire time, Jessi’s eyes were on us.
I bounced Caleb around in my arms as she set up the stroller. Then she quickly took Caleb from me and settled him in. It was a quiet walk to the park and I could tell Jessi was tense, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I enjoyed being in a family dynamic like this. I enjoyed making memories like this. I didn’t have memories like this growing up. I didn’t come from a family anyone wanted to ever be a part of. But I couldn’t shake that feeling I got when Caleb was in my arms.
The feeling that I was his father.
The three of us walked around the park, and every once in a while I’d try to put my hand on Jessi’s back. But every time I did, she picked up her speed and pulled away from me. I couldn’t get a read on her. She was sending so many mixed signals it was stifling. One minute she was hell-bent on pushing me away and the next minute we were bantering like we’d never split up. One second she was reluctant to hand me Caleb and the next second she was fine with it.
I was getting whiplash from all the changes she kept making.
“Do you come here often with Caleb?” I asked.
“No. There’s a park closer to the apartment that we go to.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve stuck closer to home,” I said.
“Didn’t cross my mind,” she said with a shrug.
The entire walk was like that. She was distant and aloof. She had no passion to talk and I had no passion to make her talk. Whatever was on her mind was weighing heavily, and I didn’t want to interrupt whatever it was she was thinking about.
After the park, we headed back to her place. I told her I wanted to make sure she and Caleb got there safe, especially with how tired she looked. She kept insisting she was okay, but I reminded her of the incident in the parking lot. I watched a spark of anger ignite in her eyes, but I didn’t back down.
And eventually, she did.
Like she always did with me.
But following them back to her apartment turned into me walking them up. And walking them up turned into me helping bed Caleb down. Then soon, the two of us were on her couch cuddling, her head on my shoulder and my arm wrapped around her soft, comforting waist.
“When he sleeps, he sleeps,” I said.
“When he was younger, I sometimes had to take him on car rides to get him to go to sleep.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Really,” she said. “He’d wake up at one in the morning and he wouldn’t go back to sleep, so I’d be driving around town with one eye open until he fell back to sleep.”
“That’s dangerous, Jessi. You need to be careful with that kind of stuff.”
“Being a mother is dangerous territory. I didn’t have any other choice.”
“You couldn’t ask the father for help?” I asked.
I felt her tense around me, but all I did was pull her closer.
“Stop pulling away from me, Jessi. I’m only asking because I care.”
“You don’t have to care. It’s not your job,” she said flatly.
“Then I choose to care. How about that?”
I watched her clench her jaw, but I felt her relax back into my grasp.
“What else?” I asked.
“Huh?”
“What else did you do with Caleb when he was firstborn?”
“He slept in a small crib by me until a few weeks ago, actually.”
“Sounds like a damper on the love life,” I said.
“No love life when you’re a single mother.”
“You’ve got one now,” I said.
“No I don’t.”
I furrowed my brow as I looked down at her, trying to get a read on her.
“Jessi, are you okay? Did something happen last night?” I asked.
“I told you. I didn’t sleep well,” she said.
“It seems like it’s more than that.”
“Well, it’s not. I’m not in the mood to talk and you keep pushing me to.”
“I just want to know what you’ve been up to the past year and half.”
“Being pregnant and giving birth, that’s what I’ve been up to,” she said.
I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from firing back. She obviously had a lot on her mind and trying to talk to her was only making her more agitated. I felt her jerk at my side and I looked over only to watch her head fall forward again.
“You can use my shoulder if you want,” I said.
“I’m good. I need to get up and move,” Jessi said.
“No, you don’t,” I said, as I tightened my grasp around her. “You need to rest. You can be stubborn all you want, but you’re tired. So sleep.”
She looked at me with her tired eyes, wanting to fight but not having the energy. Her shoulders heaved with her sigh and she closed her eyes, nestling her body deep into mine. Her head fell to my shoulders and I pressed my cheek to her hair, and within minutes she was lightly snoring as we sat on the couch.
She had been d
oing this alone for months. Battling this exhaustion and carrying her career for months.
And the realization made me both sad and frustrated.
Chapter 19
Jessi
A furious knock at my front door startled me. I jumped in my chair and Caleb giggled at me, applesauce dribbling down his chin. I put the bowl in front of him and his hands went directly into it, making the biggest mess he possibly could. The knocking wouldn’t stop and I was fearful of opening the door. But when I glanced through the side window I saw Justin standing in front of my door.
“Hey there,” I said, as I opened up. “You okay?”
“We need to talk,” Justin said.
“That’s never good. Is something wrong? Don’t tell me. Roxy was secretly not a fan of me the entire time.”
“This is about Caleb,” he said.
I looked back at my son and was now wary of letting Justin in.
“Can we talk inside?” he asked.
“We can talk here,” I said.
“Look, I got to talking with Roxy. And the more we talked, the more I think she’s right.”
“About—what?” I asked.
“That comment she made. Remember? She was curious about how Christopher was enjoying fatherhood?”
I felt the blood drain from my face as I stepped out onto the porch.
“What are you doing?” Justin asked.
“Closing the door,” I said. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that Caleb looks a hell of a lot like Chris. Enough for someone who’s never seen Caleb to think he belongs to my best friend.”
“So?” I asked. “Plenty of men in this town have blonde hair and blue eyes.”
“But not as many men in this town have that dumbass chin dimple. And they both have it.”
“I told you, I don’t know who Caleb’s father is. Why the hell can’t you process that?”
“Because I don’t believe it,” he said. “I know you, Jessi. You aren’t that kind of woman. And you were pretty broken up about Chris disappearing out of nowhere.”
“So were you! Does that mean you were sleeping with him?” I asked.
“The two of you were getting close. I know you were. I saw how he looked at you and I heard the soft conversations between you two. He came over a lot in those last few months.”
“To see you, Justin. You sound insane, you know that? You’re basing all of this off one question your stripper girlfriend asked.”
“Why does everyone think she’s a stripper? She’s not a stripper.”
“And Caleb isn’t Christopher’s son,” I said.
“It all adds up, Jessi. Now you can lie to Mom and Dad, and you can even lie to him, but you’ve always been a shit liar to me.”
Snickering, I shook my head, trying to find a way out of this. I felt cornered. Like a wild animal staring down a hunter with a gun at point blank range. I felt tears rising to my eyes as I drew in a deep breath, and I knew he had me.
Ultimately, I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore.
Why the fuck did Christopher have to come back?
“I want the truth, Jessi. And I want it now.”
“You’re overreacting, Justin. You need to calm down,” I said.
“Who is Caleb’s father?” he asked.
“I can’t tell you.”
“You can, and you will. Enough is enough. That boy is growing up without a dad because you won’t open your damn mouth and say anything.”
“I’m protecting my son, Justin. That’s what I’m doing!”
“Who’s his father, Jessi?”
“It’s Christopher, okay!?”
I blinked and sent tears rolling down my cheeks. The shocked look that ran over my brother’s face was nothing compared to the anger in his eyes. I reached out for him and he took a step back. Like he was disgusted to even be touched by me.
“I knew it,” he said. “All these months, staring at that child and thinking he looked so fucking familiar.”
“You can’t tell him. Please. Chris doesn’t know yet. Justin, you cannot tell him,” I said.
“Of course he doesn’t know. You have a way of royally fucking up everything in your life, Jess.”
“You don’t get to stand on my porch and talk to me like that,” I said. “You can’t tell Chris. I have to tell him in my own time once I’ve reconciled some things.”
“Fuck you. Fuck both of you.”
“Justin. Please. Wait, don’t—come on!”
He stalked away from me, taking the steps back down to his car. I called after him as he walked away from me, never looking back once. I felt panic boiling my chest. I had to call Chris and tell him Justin knew about us. About our prior relationship.
I ran back into the house and saw Caleb trying to finger his applesauce into his mouth. I pressed a kiss to the top of his head, allowing myself to linger for a little bit.
Was Justin right?
Was I hurting my son?
I shook the thought from my head and ran to my phone. I picked it up with trembling hands and dialed Chris’s phone. I was sniffling and shaking. On the verge of sobbing as his voice wafted against my ear.
“Good morning, sweet girl. To what do I owe this phone call?”
“He knows,” I said with a sob.
“Jessi. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“He knows, Chris. Justin knows about us. About—about our—r-r-elationship before you—you”
“Where are you?” he asked.
“At home,” I said breathlessly.
“Is Justin there?”
“No,” I said, as I crinkled my face. “He was so angry and so loud. He—he uh—stormed off. Chris, he’s really angry.”
“I’ll deal with Justin. Where’s Caleb?”
“Eating in his high chair,” I said, with a whisper.
“Let me finish up what I’m doing and then I’m going to come check on you during lunch. Here’s what I need you to do until I get there. Go lock the front door, then go splash some water in your face. Make yourself a cup of coffee and keep yourself and Caleb in his room. Don’t open the door for anyone until I come knocking. I’ll call you when I pull up.”
“Justin would never hurt me,” I said.
“He just found out we were sleeping together. I’d say his blind rage is taking over right now and I’ve seen that in action. He doesn’t make sound decisions when he’s like this. Just do as I ask and I’ll be over in a couple of hours. If he comes back, you call me okay?”
“Okay,” I said. “Okay. I got this.”
Everything was spinning out of control. I went into the bathroom and splashed some water in my face. The tears hadn’t slowed and my body was still trembling with fear. Everything was crashing down. Everything I was trying to hold up was slowly slipping away from me.
I went back into the kitchen and gathered Caleb in my arms. I grabbed an iced coffee out of the fridge and took him back into his bedroom. I cleaned him up and burped him, then got down on the floor and played. We stayed like that until he got tired, crying and whining for his nap.
After rocking him to sleep, I crept out of his room just as I heard my phone ring.
I ran into the living room and saw it was Chris calling. I picked up the phone as I looked over to the front door where I saw his form standing there, waiting on my porch as I picked up the phone.
“I’m here, Jessi. Open up.”
Dropping my phone to the floor, I ran to the door. I ripped it open and saw Chris standing there, his form looming over me. He stepped into my apartment and shut the door behind him and I snapped. I needed control of something. I needed to root myself in something before my son got up from his nap.
So I rooted myself in the only thing that was there. Chris.
I threw myself in his arms and our lips crashed together. His hands wrapped tightly around me, bowing my body into his. We stumbled through the kitchen before my back crashed into the wall, but I quickly turned him around and pinned
him to it.
This time, I wanted the control.
I wanted the power.
Jerking his pants down his legs, I saw his cock bouncing for me. It was throbbing. Dripping. Pulsing to be somewhere warm. His hand went to wrap into my hair but I stopped him. I grabbed onto his hands and pinned them to the wall, rendering him motionless. I knew he could take over if he wanted, but he didn’t. He stood there against the wall looking down on me as I wrapped my lips around his cock.
And the groan that fell from his lips was worth it.
I bobbed my head, slicking up his dick as my tongue ran along the protruding vein. I sucked at his tip and took him all the way back, feeling his legs tremble against my body. His hands flexed. I could feel his wrists struggling to get free. It took all I had to keep him pinned there. To keep him at my command as I swallowed his cock down whole.
“Fuck, Jessi. What the—hell?”
I kept swallowing and sucking, hollowing out my cheeks and closing my throat around him. I sat on my knees in front of him, nuzzling my nose into his trimmed little curls. Spit was dripping down my chin as his hands worked their way into mine, our fingers lacing together. They fit perfectly, like they had two years ago.
I tried to push the painful memory away as I pulled back from his cock.
“You’re coming with me,” I said.
I ripped him from the wall and he stumbled out of his pants. I tossed him onto the couch, then gathered my skirt around my hips. I slid my panties down as his glistening cock throbbed for me, begging for me to sit on it. Chris raked his hand through his hair, his eyes wide with confusion and desire. I planted my knees on either side of his hips, digging into the cushions of the couch before I sank down onto his cock.
“Sweet hell, Jessi. You’re so tight.”
I let my skirt fall around us and I grabbed his hands. I pinned them out at his sides as my hips rocked against his pelvis. Slowly. Torturously. Like a vixen in heat. I held onto his gaze as I sucked on his lower lip. Pulling it between mine and lapping at it with my tongue as he groaned my name.
“Jessi. Sweet—girl. Ugh.”
