by Susan Stoker
They arrived without incident and as soon as they entered her apartment, she went to the patio door and pulled back the curtain. She’d told him that she was working on trying to make sure she didn’t live in a dungeon. Cade saw her take a deep breath, as if fortifying herself against the view outside the sliding glass door, but she stuck it out and left the curtain open as she stood there.
He walked over to her and hugged her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. He didn’t know what she was looking at, but he knew her perception of the view was very different from his. He saw a big grassy field with people relaxing and playing catch with a football; she most likely saw danger lurking from behind every tree and bush.
About to pull away and let her know he really did have to get to work, Cade took a second look at the area around her patio. There was a grill sitting at the edge of the concrete that he hadn’t noticed before…
But the thing that concerned him was that the grass around it was scorched black, as if there’d recently been an out-of-control fire.
“What’s that?” Cade asked her sharply.
“What’s what?” Beth asked, looking up at him from within the circle of his arms.
“Did you have a fire?”
“What?” Beth’s tone was a bit less relaxed, and he felt her stiffen in his arms.
“The scorch marks around your patio. Did the neighbors use your grill and the barbeque got out of control?”
Beth shrugged. “I guess so.”
“Idiots. They could’ve burned down the entire complex. You’d think they’d be a bit more careful with it, being as dry as it has been. You have that extinguisher I brought you still, right?”
Beth nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“Good. I’d recommend bringing that grill inside so they can’t use it without your permission, or getting rid of it altogether.”
“I will.”
Cade went on, “If you need help, just let me know. You’ve been getting better at not panicking when you step outside, but I don’t want you to overdo it. Now, I really do have to get going, sweetheart. I’ll call you tonight if I can.”
Beth turned in his arms. “But you have the overnight shift.”
“Yeah, and it gets boring when we don’t get any calls. I’d rather talk to you than sit around and listen to Driftwood or Crash blabbering about their online dating profiles.”
She smiled at the exasperation in his voice. “Then I’d love that. If you get the chance, that is. No big deal otherwise.”
“I’ll talk to you later. I can guarantee at some point over the next three days it’ll be slow enough for me to get in my Beth time.”
She grinned at that. They spent their normal amount of time standing at her front door making out before Cade reluctantly pulled his lips away from hers. One of his hands was resting on her ass under her pants, and the other was holding one of her breasts while his thumb caressed her hard nipple. Both of her hands were under his shirt, clutching at his lower back, her nails gently scraping the tender skin there as she pulled him into her so they could both feel how aroused he was by their kisses.
Cade groaned and reluctantly moved his hands to rest at her waist, much safer territory, as he caressed her warm skin. “I hope once we make love, our ritual at this door never changes. I swear I just see your door now and I get hard.”
Beth giggled and took an unenthusiastic step backward, breaking their hold on each other. “I know. I’m looking forward to you having those two days off after your shift this week.”
Cade smiled. “I’m all yours, sweetheart.”
“Good. I’m ready.”
He ran a finger down her cheek lovingly and stated, “On that note, I’m out of here. I’ll call you.” Cade stepped toward her, kissed her hard, and then stood back before she could get her hands on him again. Knowing if she touched him, he’d end up doing something drastic, like taking her where she stood, Cade opened her front door and said, “Be safe. I’ll talk to you later.”
“You too. Thanks for bringing me home.”
“Anytime. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Beth watched until she couldn’t see Cade anymore, congratulating herself for being able to stand at her entryway by herself for as long as she did and not freaking out.
She shut the door, immediately went to her purse and grabbed one of the lighters. She sat back on her couch and flicked it on, taking a deep breath as she stared at the flickering flame.
Beth hated lying to Cade, but she didn’t think he’d understand anything about how the fire by her patio had started.
She’d been happy with how she’d been able to go farther and farther out on her patio. She’d started out with very small fires in the grill set right by the door, where she could watch them burn from inside her apartment. Gradually she’d worked herself up to bigger and bigger fires. It was getting a little easier to be able to stand outside—outside— by herself, not touching the sliding glass doors. Every time it happened, she was amazed that she was actually doing it.
Concentrating solely on the flames and not on who or what was around her, Beth felt almost normal for the first time in a long time. The wind on her face felt good and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d stood outside and felt so free.
Of course, the wind on her face should’ve been a warning, but it wasn’t until the entire grill was blown over by a gust of wind and the fire went tumbling out and onto the dry grass that Beth had come back into herself with a jolt. The flames licked at the grass and quickly began to consume everything in their path.
Luckily, Beth had reacted quickly, spinning and heading back inside to grab the fire extinguisher Cade had given her. She’d pulled the pin and sprayed the chemicals on the fire, just as he’d shown her. The fire went out in seconds, but the damage had been done.
The black grass remained as a reminder that she wasn’t normal. That Beth had to resort to being a pyromaniac in order to cope with her life.
She certainly didn’t like it. She didn’t like the implications of how addicted to fire she was becoming, and she knew down to the marrow of her bones that if she ever wanted something with Cade to work, she had to give it up…but it wasn’t as easy as that. He would be appalled at what she’d resorted to in order to deal with her anxiety.
It was like quitting smoking or drinking; some people could stop cold turkey, but the majority of people came back to it time and time again. Fires weren’t a drug, but they felt like it all the same.
The flame from the lighter flickered and, as her thumb tired and lost the pressure on the fuel lever, went out. Beth threw the lighter on the coffee table, went into the kitchen and opened the cabinet where she’d been hiding all of the candles she’d bought. She’d gone a bit crazy online the other night and had bought them in bulk. There were tall ones, short and fat ones, tealights, birthday candles…all unscented and all waiting to be lit.
Beth grabbed a handful and brought them back to the table. She carefully set them up in a line and flicked on the lighter again. She lit them one by one, smiling as the wicks caught fire and burned. She’d just let these burn down, then she’d stop.
CHAPTER 13
“I’ll see you in a bit, sweetheart.”
“Don’t you need to go home and get some rest?” Beth asked, knowing Cade probably hadn’t had a lot of quality sleep. He’d completed his third day of the long shifts and he’d told her how they’d had one call after another the night before.
“I’d rather see you than sleep.”
Beth smiled and swallowed hard before answering. “Okay. It’s hard to argue with that since I feel the same. Drive safe and I’ll see you soon then.”
“I will. I’ve missed you.”
“Me too.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
Beth hung up and hugged herself. They’d spent the last three nights talking over the phone. Cade had called as he said he would, and last night they’d even managed to sort of have
phone sex. It wasn’t exactly phone sex, as neither of them got off, but they’d shared some sexual fantasies, and when Beth had heard Cade grunting a bit, she’d asked if he was touching himself.
She probably should’ve been more weirded out than she was, but with the amount of porn she spent time looking at online—and trying to screw up the links to so the sicker stuff, like sex with kids, couldn’t be viewed anymore—knowing Cade was thinking about her and touching himself didn’t even register on her weirdo-meter.
Her question had led to him asking if she’d ever had phone sex before, and when she’d answered negatively, they’d spent some more time talking about what turned them on. Just when Beth told Cade she’d undone her pants and was touching herself, the tones for a call rang through the station.
They’d both groaned unhappily and Cade had said quickly before hanging up to head out, “It’s just as well, I think I want to be the one to make you go off our first time together.”
Now he was on his way over to her apartment. Beth looked around and noticed for the first time in three days that her place was a mess. There were burnt matches all over her coffee table, not to mention the burned-to-the-stub candles that were strewn across her apartment.
Looking at the mess, and feeling ashamed, made her really think about what she was doing for the first time.
Making a split-second decision that she knew she should’ve made long before now, she groaned under her breath and went into the kitchen to grab a trash bag. Knowing deep within her heart if she was embarrassed to let Cade or Pen or any of the others see how low she’d sunk to try to deal with her agoraphobia, it wasn’t healthy.
She stuffed the candles and the matches into the trash bag. In a fit of panic, she flung open the lower cabinet where she kept more candles and swept those into the trash too. The drawer above was thrown open, and the brand-new ten-pack of lighters was tossed in as well.
Breathing as if she’d run a five-mile race, Beth frantically looked around, trying to make sure she’d removed all evidence of her temporary insanity.
She closed the bag and set it in the corner of her kitchen. She’d have Pen take it to the trash bin later.
Leaning over the kitchen counter, Beth rested her head on her hands and tried to control her breathing. It was ridiculous how sad she felt at the loss of the paraphernalia. For the first time in a long time, she felt normal—at least when she was controlling the fires. It was as if the candles and matches mocked her from inside the trash bag. She swore she could almost hear them calling her name, urging her to release them and put them back in their cabinet home.
Ignoring the siren call of the bag in the corner, Beth stood up straight and stalked into her bedroom. Cade was going to take her back to his house, she wanted to be packed and ready to go when he arrived. She needed a break from the demons in her apartment, and if she wasn’t mistaken, she and Cade would most likely be sleeping in the same bed for the next two nights.
She was finally ready. More than ready. She wanted Cade to make love to her more than she wanted or needed the sweet seduction of the flames.
She was a bit nervous about her scars from her time with Hurst, but she and Cade had talked about it one night, and he’d even shown her some of his scars from various fires and accidents he’d had. He knew just what to do and say to make her feel better, especially when he’d told her, “As much as I want to see your body, it’s you who I connect with.”
She just knew that while in Cade’s arms, thoughts of the scary outdoors, what had happened to her, and the stress over knowing that lighting fires wasn’t the answer she was looking for, would all disappear. She couldn’t wait.
When the knock came at her door fifteen minutes later, Beth was ready. After verifying it really was Cade, she quickly opened the door and threw herself into his arms. He smelled like he’d recently taken a shower…fresh and clean. Cade walked them inside her apartment and shut the door with his foot. Without letting her go, and keeping her feet off the ground, he pulled back and looked her in the eyes.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Hi.”
“You seem happy to see me. You okay?”
Beth nodded. “I’m very happy to see you. And not because anything is wrong. I’m just glad you’re here. I missed you.”
Cade groaned and leaned down to her. Beth met him halfway and the sparks that seemed to fly in the air as their lips met crackled around them. Pulling his lips away from hers after a moment, Cade commented wryly, “This damn door will be the death of me.”
Beth smiled and licked her lips seductively. She never thought she’d want to do anything seductive again, but being around Cade made her suddenly remember all the ways she used to tease men before she’d been kidnapped.
“You ready to go?”
“Definitely. My bag is right here.”
Cade looked down at the duffle bag she packed, then back up at her. “I’m torn.”
“Torn?”
“Yeah. To get to my place, I have to put you down and pick up that bag. That means I won’t feel you next to me the whole time I’m driving. And in case you hadn’t noticed, I like you against me.”
“Is that what that is? I thought you had one of your firefighting tools down your pants or something.”
“Oh, it’s a tool all right…”
Beth giggled at his retort. “Well then, how about you put me down, let’s get to your place, and you can put that tool in its proper place.”
Cade shook his head in amusement and reluctantly loosened his grip so she slid along his body until her feet were on the ground. “I’ve missed you too, sweetheart. And before we go anywhere or say anything else, please know that as much as I want to have you in my bed, we’ll go at your pace. I won’t do anything to put you back in that bad place.”
Beth put her palm on his cheek. “I know. I’m ready, Cade. You’ve been patient and slow with me. You haven’t once made fun of me or been impatient when I’ve had an attack. I trust you…more than anyone I’ve trusted since I was kidnapped. I can’t promise not to have any flashbacks, but I feel stronger in your arms than I have in a very, very long time. I want you. I want to feel you inside me. I want to orgasm with someone other than myself. I want to be intimate with you, in every way.”
“Good Lord, sweetheart. Are you trying to kill me?”
“No. The last thing I want is you to be incapacitated before we get to the good stuff and round home base. Hanging out at third base has gotten old. I’m ready to hit a home run.”
Cade laughed and leaned over to grab her bag. “Go get your laptop and let’s get out of here. I’m feeling kinda tired after all…I need to get home to my bed.”
Beth smiled all the way from her front door to Cade’s house, for the first time in a long time thinking more about what was about to happen than what might be lurking outside hunting her down.
CHAPTER 14
Beth stood next to Cade’s bed and shifted nervously. She wasn’t scared of him or of what they were about to do, it’d just been a long time since she’d been naked in front of anyone and a long time since she’d had sex, so it was all just a bit overwhelming.
Sensing her unease, Cade gestured to the bed behind her. “Lay down, sweetheart, relax.”
She went to take off her shirt and Cade caught her hand in his. “Don’t worry about that, just lay back.”
Feeling cowardly, but relieved at the respite, Beth scooted back onto his mattress and waited for him to make the first move. She watched as Cade stripped his T-shirt over his head and she gasped at her first look at him.
Cade had a light dusting of dark hair on his chest, but it did nothing to distract from his body at all. Beth had had her hands on his sides, back, and even his belly, but seeing it all unfettered for the first time made her catch her breath.
He wasn’t perfect, that was the first thing she noticed, but that actually made this easier, because she was far from perfect as well. He wasn’t in his twenties anymore, and along
with that came a little extra weight on his sides. He didn’t have eighteen-pack abs either, but he was in no way overweight. The scars he’d told her about were obvious as well, but again, they didn’t take away any of her appreciation of his physique.
His upper body was sculpted and almost perfect though. The lifting of equipment, and apparently people, went a long way toward keeping him in shape. The muscles in his arms bulged as he moved to get into bed next to her. His pectoral muscles rippled as he shifted over her as well. Somehow, even though he didn’t look like a bodybuilder, he oozed testosterone and masculinity all the same.
Cade had left his jeans on, and they sat low on his hips, as if waiting to be unzipped and tugged off. Beth swallowed hard and looked up at him, wondering how this was all going to go. She might not have had sex in a while, but even she knew that they’d both need to remove some more clothes if it was going to work.
“Relax, sweetheart,” Cade told her in a calming tone as he eased himself down next to her.
“I can’t.”
He chuckled and rested one hand lightly on her belly as the other propped up his head. “What’s making you nervous?”
“Uh…everything?”
“Specifically. We’ll work through them one at a time.”
“I know I probably sounded…experienced back at my apartment, but I’ve only done this twice—and you know about one of those times.”
“And you might not believe me, but I’ve done this a lot less times than you’re probably thinking.” At her look of disbelief, he continued, “And guys are easy. You touch us, rub against us, and we’re good to go. It’s women who are scary. You have special places that need to be touched and caressed. We could do it too hard, or too soft, and it won’t work. It’s harder to tell when you’re aroused enough so that we won’t hurt you when we get inside. It takes a lot to hurt me, but women aren’t built the same way. I could easily cause you pain, and that’s the last thing I want to happen. So we’ll learn together what works best for us…okay?” Not waiting for her to answer, he went on. “What else?”
