by A. m Madden
He was right…it was time.
Dr. Mathews helped me understand that I was on a self-imposed precipice. While trying to decide between laying it all out for her and continuing to act like she wasn’t everything to me, I in essence kept the embers of my PTSD from smoldering out.
I’d spent hours and hours trying to convince both the doctor and myself that what I felt couldn’t be real. None of it made sense, from the way we met to the way I fell. Besides denial, the ever-present nagging doubt that I wasn’t good enough for Maygen hadn’t diminished at all. I still believed that she deserved better than me.
Mathews said my argument was weak, and that I needed to stop making up excuses and lies. He said denying the overpowering need to tell her how I truly felt was causing a vortex within me. Only by an admission would I have the power to calm its forces. He compared it to using an umbrella during a hurricane, a useless attempt at protection.
Again, he was right. From the moment I had met her, I was able to talk to her and confide in her more than any other person in my life…even more than my own family. The bottom line was she got me, my fucking insanity and all…and I wanted her. Yes, I may have needed her, but more important, I wanted her.
She continued to watch me struggle to pull it together. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, more so to stall than anything else. Taking her hand, I pulled in a deep breath, willing myself to lay it all out once and for all.
“Maygen…I decided that I’d rather risk you knowing the truth than risk losing you. After you ended it, I had one of the worst episodes since being diagnosed with PTSD. Determined to handle it myself, I took the antianxiety medication that I had refused to take before. The nightmares continued and the need to escape them had me numbing myself from the inside out. The very reason I avoided drugs all those months since returning from Iraq was the very reason I couldn’t stop using them to cope. They made me feel nothing, empty. I may have not cared months ago because I had nothing filling me that was worth the fight. I now do. I don’t want to be numb anymore, so I’m no longer on them. Through my studies and with the help of a professional therapist I’ve learned a fuck ton about myself these past few weeks.
“I know you’re still struggling with my betrayal, but I’m sorry I can’t regret the way we met. It led me right to you. You have no idea how that contradiction is killing me. The very thing you are hurting from is the same thing I’m thankful for. It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t help how I feel.”
I watched the muscles in her slender neck flex as she worked a swallow. The urge to kiss the pulse point on the smooth curve of her neck, the desire to feel her skin under my lips caused more words, more honesty to flow.
“This isn’t me trying to convince you to forgive me. You need to be the one to decide if you do. On that note, you also need to know how I feel about you. It wouldn’t be fair for me to expect forgiveness without being completely honest. You had asked for honesty and I failed you. I know you think my feelings are tightly wound around my PTSD, but they’re not. It’s you that has me questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. Turns out, I didn’t really have a clue who I was. And I don’t mean the man or the soldier who’s moved through life almost robotically thinking that bravery is the ability to face death. It’s not. Bravery is the ability to admit things you’d otherwise never admit.”
“You’re a very brave man, David. That’s not something you lack.”
“But, baby, it is. Because if I were brave then I’d have the balls to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you.” Her gasp caused me to rush on. “Maygen, I love everything about you—your beauty, your heart, your humor, and your ability to make me a better man. I’m a damaged man who wants to be whole again. I want to change for you, be a better person for you. I simply can’t imagine life without you.”
She went to speak, but stopped when I raised my hand. “Wait. Please let me finish. Having said all that, if you were to ask me to leave and never bother you again, I would. I meant it when I said the only way to get rid of me was for you to run. I’d be devastated, but I’d let you go if that’s what you wanted. I just needed you to know the truth beforehand.”
The emotions she must have been battling fought their way to the surface through the tears that shimmered in her eyes and the slight tremble of her bottom lip.
Still holding her hand, I reached over and palmed her smooth cheek. “Talk to me.”
“David, I have so much to think about. We have so much to work through.”
“We do, and it doesn’t have to happen tonight. Just promise me you’ll talk to me and use me to help move past your hurt. Promise me you won’t shut me out.”
“I promise.” Gently pulling her closer, I placed one single kiss on her lips before pulling away.
I gave her enough to think about and decided to change the subject. “Ready to eat? What would you like?”
She laughed. “Um…wow, you’re really dumping a lot on me tonight. First you profess undying love and then force me to choose what we should have for dinner? You need to cut me a break.”
I chuckled at her awesome ability to shine when I needed her to. “Okay, I’ll pick dinner. Does that help?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“First things first, you need to call your dad and ask him to give Paul Bunyan the night off. I’d like to relax tonight and not have to worry about him standing behind my door ready to tear it off its hinges at any moment. I’ll make sure you get home safely. Okay?”
Prepared for an argument, she shocked the shit out of me when she nodded shyly and said, “Okay.”
“Good.” I kissed her nose before loosening my hold on her hand to stand, but she tightened her grip.
“David?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Thank you…for being honest with me, for telling me how you feel. I know that couldn’t have been easy for you.”
“Once I got going it was easier than I thought it would be.”
While still clutching my hand she stood and wrapped her other arm around my waist. Instinctively, I pulled her to my body, loving the feel of her against me.
“I need time,” she whispered so quietly into my chest I almost didn’t hear her.
“You take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.” I tightened my hold; she felt so good I never wanted to let go.
We stood holding each other for a few long moments, each lost in thought and appreciating the other’s touch. I kissed the top of her head and pulled back with a warm smile. An immediate sense of calm took over, warming me from the inside out. While staring at her beautiful face and holding her in my arms, I had a gut feeling that we’d be okay. She might not have said it back, but I knew. Through the light in her pale blue eyes, the honesty in her smile, I absolutely knew she loved me, too.
Maygen
David gave me privacy when I called my father. If I hadn’t been feeling so light and optimistic from my talk with David, the conversation with Dad would have pissed me off. Instead, I had to laugh at his pathetic attempts at stopping me from spending time with David.
Dad still wasn’t convinced David’s motives were pure, but I no longer gave a shit. I finally believed every word from David’s mouth was the absolute truth. I also believed his admission was exactly what I needed to forgive him. My feelings for him were never the issue. I knew I loved David. I knew it a long time ago. He was right in that I needed to forgive him in spite of all that.
“Everything okay?” David asked when I emerged from his bedroom.
“Yep.”
He was removing Chinese takeout containers from paper bags and placing them on the coffee table. “He’ll never approve of me, will he?” he asked without looking at me.
I waited to speak until I sat on the couch before him and his eyes met mine. “If he knows I’m happy, he’ll move on. I’ve recently learned something that helps me better understand his motives.”
David placed the empty bag on the floor and moved around the tab
le to sit beside me. “Remember when I said my mom’s death was an accident?”
“I remember.”
“She was pushed in front of the car that killed her. They never found the man who did it.”
David’s eyes darted away before settling back on mine. “I know.”
“You do?”
“George told me.” He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He had more to say. I could tell by his demeanor and by the way he focused so intently on his callused hands and not on me. I waited him out, finding he was much more forthcoming on his own terms. With a sigh he turned his head to look into my eyes. “Maygen, I’ve been meeting with George to keep abreast of the situation with your stalker.”
He mistook the breath I let out as a sign of disapproval, when in fact I was shocked and pleased he had admitted that. “I’m sorry, I simply can’t back off,” he said. “The thought of something happening to you makes me insane.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“There’s one more thing, and then you’ll know it all.”
“David…”
“I need to tell you this. I want no secrets between us. I will never make that mistake again. Please hear me out.”
I waited while fear caused my heart to pound in my chest. What if what he was about to admit would send me spiraling back into the place I’d been in after his betrayal? Forcing a shaky breath, I waited.
“We both know that like your dad, Reed also doesn’t like me. It’s hard for me to trust anyone, and based on that I asked my brother-in-law to look into his past.”
The jackhammering of my heart intensified. With pure concern in the depths of his green eyes he added, “Most of what Nick discovered I’m sure you know. Reed spent his youth in foster care and lived on a farm in upstate New York until he landed a scholarship to Syracuse.”
“I do know all this.”
He nodded before continuing. “Nick also found out that Reed’s mom was a drug addict who’d been in and out of prison, ranging from possession of heroin to robbery to prostitution. Right now she’s currently somewhere near Los Angeles, and is still strung out on heroin, based on what Nick’s informant has said. Her name is Gloria Michaels. Reed Conlon isn’t his real name.”
“It’s not?”
“It’s Reed Michaels. He legally changed it when he turned eighteen. We assume he did it to escape his past. I haven’t had a chance to talk to George about it. Nick only told me today right after you texted me earlier.”
What did that mean? Questions bounced around my mind. Did my dad know? Why wouldn’t Reed confide that in me? We told each other everything. He was the brother I didn’t have, and if this was indeed true, his omission really hurt. Once again, being kept in the dark caused so many insecurities to bubble up within me. First my father, then David, now Reed…what possessed them all to believe hiding the truth was better than revealing it?
The men in my life were really good men. Was I overreacting? If anything had come from this whole mess with David and his betrayal it was the need to communicate.
“I’m going to have to talk to my father and Reed,” I said. “This could all be innocent. Reed is a good person, and it’s hard to believe otherwise. I’ve known him for years. Dad and I trust him completely.”
“Are you mad?”
Was I? Surprisingly I wasn’t feeling anger, but rather confusion over what David had just revealed. There had to be an explanation. I also felt relief that he was so completely honest with me.
“No,” I said. The serious expression on his face softened. “Again, thank you for telling me.”
“Weirdly enough, opening up to you is getting easier.” He reached for my hand and brought it to his lips, placing a firm kiss on the inside of my palm. “Or, maybe it’s just you who make it easy for me.”
“David, this is all you. I know you well enough to believe if you weren’t ready to communicate with me, you wouldn’t be.”
A lopsided smile appeared on his face, making me want to straddle him and have him for dinner. “That’s just a nice way of saying I’m difficult.” My return grin had him adding, “This is where you’re supposed to disagree with me.”
“I disagree with your analogy.” His eyes widened when I leaned closer to kiss his cheek. “You aren’t difficult…anymore.”
Chapter 32
David
“She’s amazing, David.”
“She is,” I admitted with a smile.
“Hot as fuck, too.”
“Stay away from her, Price.”
“Fine.”
She was so beautiful. Her eyes caught mine and the heart-melting smile she gave me caused every part of my body to come alive. My gaze moved from the love of my life to my best friend. “How’ve you been, man?”
“Great. Ready to get the fuck out of here, though.”
“Why are you still here?”
“I have unfinished business.”
His fatigues hung on his frame, the bulky muscles he once sported all but gone. A banged-up helmet was propped under one arm, a duplicate to the one I wore. In his other hand he gripped his rifle. The thin line of dried blood that ran down his face was a stark contrast to his pale skin. The gaping wound in his forehead no longer made me feel like throwing up. I’d seen it enough times now that it no longer affected me.
“You look like shit.”
“Fuck you,” he said with a laugh. “You’re welcome, you cocksucker. You were supposed to be driving.” When he saw the grin drop off my face he pushed into my shoulder. “Hey, I’m kidding. It was my day. I know that for a fact. Even if I sat in the passenger side, that bullet would have found me.”
Intuitively I knew that wasn’t true. I pointed to his wound and asked, “Did it hurt?”
“Nah, man. I felt nothin’. I appreciate the tears, though.”
“What fucking tears? You’re nuts.”
“Nice try. I saw them.” His expression became serious. “Hey, thanks for getting my tags to my mom.”
The memory of Mrs. Price sobbing at his service hit me hard. “You’d do the same.”
He nodded with a smile. “Sure would. I’d go as far as comforting that gorgeous sister of yours.”
“Fuck off. Besides, she’s married now.”
“Yeah, that sucks balls.” Barry lifted his chin indicating Maygen, and I followed his gaze. “All the good ones are taken. Maybe I should have spread my seed a bit more, left behind a junior or two.”
“With the way you fucked anyone with a pussy, I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t.”
“Not anyone. I had standards.”
“Oh yes. Excuse me. She needed to be stacked as well.”
Across the room Maygen giggled at something someone said. The sweet sound drifted through the air right into my heart.
“You love her?”
“I love her so fucking much it hurts.”
“Enjoy her, Cavello. You never know how long you got. Life turns on a fucking dime, but I don’t have to tell you that.”
“I plan to.”
“It doesn’t matter, man. It all ends. Everything ends,” he said.
The tone in his voice had me turning my eyes away from Maygen. I watched his helmet clatter to the ground as he lifted his rifle and pointed it at her head. “NO!”
In slow motion I lunged, gripping his neck with both hands. The rifle landed beside his helmet when we both crashed to the floor. He struggled, gurgled sounds coming from his mouth as he fought for breath.
His eyes pleaded in a way he couldn’t do with words. He gasped as he jerked his head back and forth, tiny yelps escaping from his lips. His hands gripped my wrists, tugging hard while his legs thrashed beneath me.
I instantly loosened my hold, clarity hitting me like the bullet that killed him. This was my best friend, the man I killed for, and who I’d die for.
Sobs combined with my name drifted from his lips the moment he was able to speak.
Over and over he repeated, “David, ple
ase. It’s me.” But his voice was off. It was soft and sweet, like Maygen’s.
MAYGEN!
My eyes flew open, causing my chest to hitch repeatedly with each breath I took. “Oh my God. Maygen! I’m so sorry!” Tears streamed from my eyes, blurring the image of her bewildered face. Instantly I dragged her body into my arms, cradling her while repeating apologies over and over.
What have I done?
Reality seeped into my subconscious like a slow-moving fog. We were on my couch, remnants of our dinner still littered my coffee table, and the TV was on. I remembered we were watching a movie. I must have fallen asleep. I let my guard down, and in doing so I hurt her.
While clutching her in my arms sobs racked my body. Through them I begged for her forgiveness. Everything I looked forward to, specifically a hope for a future with her, could have vanished in the blink of an eye. Screw Dr. Mathews’s theory that I deserved happiness. I knew she deserved better than me. That nightmare proved I was deluding myself. What kind of life could I give her when she’d have to worry about sleeping beside me each night…and surviving it?
Maygen
His meltdown was the only thing that kept me from coming apart. With his face buried in the crook of my neck, he implored me to forgive him. Over and over his gravelly words mixed with gut-wrenching moans tore me open from the inside out.
“It’s okay. I’m fine.” My hoarse voice was a contradiction to my words. I tried to swallow and almost winced at the pain I felt in my throat. Instead of speaking, I ran my hands over his back trying to soothe him with my touch.
His reaction to whatever it was he dreamed of would be a normal occurrence and one I’d have to sign up for if we ended up together. I couldn’t help but feel the universe was trying to keep us apart. Besides the long list of issues we had to overcome, his PTSD and all its side effects weren’t helping matters. There had to be a way I could help him release his demons.
I didn’t know how many minutes passed when I finally felt his body calming. His breathing evened out, and he slightly loosened his hold.
