by E. L. Todd
We migrated toward the bar an hour later and ordered our drinks. Cato was talking quietly with Harper, and they were paired off like a couple. I tried not to watch them but I couldn’t help it. I hated the way Cato eye-fucked her. It made my head want to explode.
Rhett and Aspen were just as invested in one another. I felt like a third wheel. Normally, I would pick up a girl in this situation, but the only girl I wanted to pick up was with another guy.
I scanned the bar and tried to find something to entertain myself. I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb by standing alone but there were only so many things I could do.
When I spotted someone I recognized, I felt sick to my stomach. Stress weighed on my shoulders, and I hated the fact she still instilled this pain within me. I suddenly felt like a coward, wanting to run and hide. I hated looking at her. The last time we spoke, my hatred only increased. There was no bottom to the depth of my despise. “Fuck…you’ve got to be kidding me.” She was going to see me stand alone like a loser. My friends were paired off and I was left out. And the fact she was holding hands with some guy didn’t make me feel better.
“What?” Rhett turned to me.
What the fuck should I do? I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. I didn’t want her to see me. I didn’t want her to see the hurt on my face. I didn’t want her to know I was still hurting over her even after all this time. “Alexia, she’s coming this way.” I started to panic. I could turn around and face the bar but she would probably still recognize me.
Harper ended her conversation with Cato and looked in the direction I was staring.
“Stand your ground and pretend to be indifferent,” Rhett said. “She doesn’t exist.”
I was sick of running into her all the time. Would I ever be free? I didn’t know what to say to her if she spoke to me. I didn’t want to stand here alone and pretend to be confident. My will was slipping away.
She was just a few feet away, and there was nowhere for her to go except right in front of me. I’d have to stand next to her and her boyfriend and not think about the relationship we had that ended with the destruction of my soul.
Harper quickly moved in front of me then stood on her tiptoes. She wrapped her arms around my neck then kissed me hard on the mouth, right in front of everyone we knew.
My body immediately responded, feeling safe in her arms. Alexia faded from my mind once Harper’s lips were pressed to mine. All I felt was joy and security. Harper was the one person who understood me. I felt safe with her, complete. Our tongues danced together and I forgot about everyone else in that bar. There was only she and I. Now I didn’t give a damn about Alexia and her boyfriend. How could I regret what happened when it led me to Harper? She was the coolest chick I’ve ever known, and her beauty triumphed over everyone else’s. I held her close to me and deepened my kiss. Harper was the only thing that mattered to me.
I broke our kiss and didn’t search for Alexia. All I cared about was Harper. “You want to get out of here?”
“Yes, please.”
“People are going to wonder what’s going on between us,” Harper said as she lay beside me in bed.
We fooled around and found each other’s release but I still couldn’t do the deed. I wanted to, but as we fooled around, something held me back, again. I didn’t know what it was. “We’ll just tell them you kissed me to help me out. Then we walked out to get me out of the situation.”
“Do you think she saw?” Her leg was wrapped around my hip and her hands rested on my chest.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I didn’t look. But she probably did.”
“Does that give you any satisfaction?” she asked.
“Not really,” I admitted. “I just don’t want her to think I’m alone when she’s moved on with other guys. When I saw her at the grocery store, I purposely put four boxes of condoms in my cart when I was talking to her just to make a statement.”
“Four?” She nodded slowly. “Wow. That’s a lot of sex.”
I rolled my eyes. “I know. It’s lame.”
“No, it’s not lame,” she said gently. “I’d probably do something similar.”
“No, you’re stronger than I am. You wouldn’t have cared at all.”
“But I’ve never been in a three-year relationship,” she reasoned. “You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I’m pathetic, Harper,” I said sadly. “Denying it doesn’t make me feel any better.” I turned on my back and faced the ceiling.
She cuddled into me and rested her head on my chest. “You were really mad when you saw me with Cato.”
Silence echoed in the room. I remembered how mad I was and how much I wanted to break Cato’s legs. “Sorry about that.”
“You felt betrayed, didn’t you?” Her voice carried her understanding.
“Honestly, yeah…I’m not sure why.”
She propped her elbow and rested her head on her palm. “I felt terrible for hurting you. I would never date Cato. And when I was dragged into the situation, I just wanted to get out.”
“I’ve never been so jealous in my life.” I didn’t know what it meant. Was I just insecure? Was I just protective of Harper? What did that mean?
“Why?” she whispered.
“I really don’t know, Harper. I wish I did.”
She rubbed my chest then kissed the skin over my heart. Her hair moved across my skin, touching me lightly and making me feel calm. She kissed the area again then moved her lips to mine.
I wanted to stay like this forever. I really didn’t know how I felt or what everything meant, but I knew something else was between us. I couldn’t put my finger on it and neither could she. But I knew one thing.
I didn’t want to share her with anyone.
8
Harper
When Aspen walked into my office, I immediately knew why she was there. That kiss with Troy wouldn’t go overlooked, and she probably went by my apartment later that night and realized I wasn’t there. Where else would I be except with Troy?
She approached my desk with a knowing look in her eyes. “Lunch?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“Nope.”
I sighed then saved the document on my computer. “Where do you want to go?”
“It doesn’t matter to me.” Her voice was clipped, like she was angry or disappointed in me. She was probably hurt I didn’t tell her about Troy. And it was understandable.
I grabbed my purse. “How about Chinese?”
“Whatever.” She never said that.
I let the comment slide.
Together, we left and walked a few blocks to the Chinese place we always went to. The silence was awkward, and Aspen clearly wasn’t going to speak until she had me cornered at a table. I went through her words in my mind, anticipating what she might say or do. But in the end, I didn’t really care. I didn’t like lying and I was terrible at it.
Once we got a table and ordered our waters, Aspen pounced.
“How long has it been going on?”
The smart thing would be to lie about the whole thing. I already had a cover story in mind but I didn’t want to use it. Aspen was my best friend and it felt wrong to mislead her. “About two months.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hurt was in her voice.
“Because it’s not what you think.”
“How do you mean?”
I took a deep breath before I explained everything to her.
“So, he’s using you to get over Alexia, and you’re using him to pretend to be your boyfriend to your family?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re sleeping with him?”
“Actually…no. We haven’t slept together.”
Aspen seemed more confused. “Okay…”
“Every time we’re about to do it he chickens out. He doesn’t understand why, but his brother thinks Troy can’t be with someone else unless he’s in love with them. That’s why he’s struggling so
much. I’m starting to believe the same thing.”
“But you guys do other things?” she asked.
“Yeah. And we spend a lot of time together. Actually, I see him almost every day. He’s quickly become my best friend, and I can’t remember the last time I slept alone.”
She studied me for a long time, her thoughts unguarded. “You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?”
I knew it was written all over my face. I was shocked Troy hadn’t picked up on it. It was something I didn’t expect to happen. There were a lot of things about him I didn’t like, but the things I did like about him I loved. “Yeah…”
“Be careful, Harper,” she said. “You’re already in so deep.”
“I know. But call me crazy, I think he feels the same way.”
“He seemed pretty upset when he ran into Alexia the other night,” she reasoned.
“He was,” I agreed. “But I don’t think he misses her. I think he just fears what she represents—pain. And he got so jealous when he thought I was with Cato.”
“That’s true.”
“And he’s said things to me…”
“Like what?” she asked.
“That I’m the only woman he can picture himself with. That he’s never been so jealous in his life. That I’m his best friend and the only person who understands him…” In my heart, I thought there was a real possibility that Troy felt what I did. It wasn’t just a fantasy anymore. It was a real possibility. We could have what I wanted to have. But he just needed a little more time to figure it out.
“He really said that?” she asked.
I nodded.
“Maybe you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.”
“He needs more time, and he needs to realize it on his own. If and when he does sleep with me, I’ll talk to him then.”
“That makes sense.” She still seemed down, hurt.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Troy and I were supposed to be a short-term fling but it just went haywire. I never anticipated I would feel this way about him. He’s a cocky asshole on the outside, but when I got to know him underneath, I realized he was nothing like that. He’s actually…pretty amazing.”
Aspen’s hurt aura disappeared, and a smile stretched her lips. “I’m happy for you.”
“I wouldn’t say that yet…”
“Rhett only says amazing things about Troy, so I think you’re right to assume he’s a great person. Men aren’t as clear-minded as women. I’m sure Troy does feel the same way about you, but he might not realize it. And I think it’s smart to wait until he figures it out on his own. Otherwise, it might just push him away.”
“Exactly,” I said.
“How amazing would it be if you and Troy got married and me and Rhett got married?” She squirmed in her seat in excitement.
“Let’s not get carried away…”
“But wouldn’t that be amazing!”
“It would.” I entertained the idea for a moment and felt a thrill shoot up my spine. Just staying at Troy’s beach house with him was my idea of a fantasy. Lying together in bed after making love and whispering words of devotion was what I craved. When I realized the extent of my feelings, the weight of reality set on my shoulders.
I was in love with Troy.
How did that happen?
9
Troy
I was getting my files at Beautiful Entourage when Cato walked inside.
“Dude, what the hell?”
I grabbed my things and didn’t look at him.
“If you had a thing for Harper, you should have told me. I wouldn’t have gone for her if I’d known.”
I couldn’t look at him so I shoved everything under my arm and headed for the door.
“Talk to me, man.” He grabbed the folders and yanked them out of my grasp.
I turned to him, threatening him with my beady eyes. “Get off my ass, Cato.”
“No. I want to talk about this.”
“Are we girls now?” I hissed.
“I just don’t want you to be pissed at me. I know the rules. I would never go for your girl. I just didn’t know she was your girl. You never told me that.”
I knew Cato was getting the short stick of the situation. “I’m not pissed at you.”
“Fooled me,” he said. “You can barely look at me.”
“I’m just a little worked up over it,” I admitted. “I didn’t like watching you eye-fuck her.”
Cato released a frustrated sigh. “Again, I didn’t know. I’m sorry, okay?” He handed the folders back to me.
I took them. “Okay.”
“Okay?” he asked. “Does that mean we’re cool?”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod.
He breathed a sigh of relief. Then a stupid grin stretched his face. “So…you and Harper, huh?”
“Don’t start that shit,” I said immediately.
“Come on,” he said. “I tell you about all my girls and you tell me yours. Why is Harper different?”
“Because she is,” I said firmly.
Rhett opened the door and walked inside. When he saw us talking, a grin stretched on his face. “Fighting over Harper?”
“There’s nothing to fight about,” I said calmly.
Rhett joined the circle but stood close to Cato, like he was taking his side.
I felt outnumbered.
“So…what’s with you and Harper?” Rhett asked. “I distinctly remember you saying there was nothing going on. You lied to me?” The hurt of my betrayal was in his voice.
“I didn’t lie…exactly.”
“Then what did you do, exactly?” he snapped.
I didn’t mind explaining it to Rhett but not in Cato’s presence. Rhett was the only one who knew about my feelings toward Alexia. “Can we talk about this later?” I glanced at Cato.
“No, we’re talking about this now.” Rhett grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. When we were in the alleyway, he stared me down. “Now spit it out.”
I organized my thoughts then explained everything to him.
“That has to be the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard,” Rhett snapped. “You’re sleeping with Harper to get over Alexia?”
“But I haven’t slept with her,” I argued. “I just can’t do it. I care about her too much. I can’t fuck her.”
The look in his eyes changed. “I got the distinct impression that you felt something strong for her the other night. I really thought you were going to break Cato’s arm.”
“I wanted to break both of them, actually.”
He crossed his arms over my chest and gave me that look that told me to continue speaking.
“I love being with her. She’s like my best friend. I think about her all day, and when I’m finally with her, I’m happy. She’s so cool, and she’s gorgeous. It’s like…I can’t even explain it.”
“It sounds like you’re in love with her.” There was a grin on his face.
“But I’m not,” I argued. “I’m not over Alexia.”
He sighed. “Troy, you are over her.”
“Then why do I hate her so much? Why do I freak out anytime I run into her? I dream about proposing to her before she throws me off a cliff. Obviously, I’m not over her.”
“When you’re with Harper, do you think about her?” he asked.
“No,” I said immediately. “But when I’m with you, I don’t think about her either. That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Don’t you think you’re just bitter about the break up? That doesn’t mean you still love her.”
“But it might,” I argued. “How can I be in love with Harper if I feel this way? And I can’t offer her anything anyway. I don’t do relationships and I never will. The end.”
“You really don’t think it will be different with Harper?”
I shrugged. “It’s not worth the risk. Alexia hurt me a lot. I don’t know what I would do if I lost Harper… At least this way she’ll always be in my life.”
He rubbed the
back of his neck. “You’re wrong about that.”
“How do you mean?”
“When you don’t give her what she wants, she’s going to find it elsewhere. She’s a pretty girl and has a lot of admirers. Can you really stand by and watch her be with someone else? When you could have her if you wanted to?”
The idea of anyone touching her but me sent me into a frenzy. Jealousy coursed through me and I felt sick to my stomach. Harper was my world and I didn’t want to share her with anyone. But I couldn’t risk my heart again, not like that. “I’d let her go…”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Well, it’s the truth,” I said sadly. “I want to keep this relationship with Harper as long as I can. And if she wants to leave…I won’t stop her.”
“Even after everything you’ve been through?” he asked incredulously. “You just told me this girl is your best friend, that when you aren’t with her all you can think about is the next time you see her. You would really throw that away?”
“She’ll just throw me away sometime down the road,” I argued.
“No, she won’t,” he said firmly.
“All relationships end one way or another,” I said. “Whether it’s through heartbreak or death. I don’t want to deal with that pain anymore.”
“So, does that mean you don’t want a relationship with me?” he challenged.
I didn’t understand his meaning. “You’re a good-looking guy, Rhett. But you aren’t my type…”
He didn’t look amused. “We aren’t romantically involved but we have a relationship. I love you and you love me. So, when I die, it’s going to hurt you. Or are you telling me you’re going to be so numb from any emotion that you just won’t care about anyone? Troy, that’s no way to live. We love people and we lose them. You can’t stop living because of it.”
“It’s not the same thing…”
“I’m your best friend, so you must love me more or equally to the woman you fall in love with. I love Aspen with everything that I have, but I also love you. If I lost either one of you the reaction would be exactly the same. But that’s going to stop me from caring about both of you.”
