“And Drostan?”
“He tried, but I truly think his heart is that of a farmer, like our da. Do not think he is not able with sword and staff, I made sure he was, but it did not come as naturally to him as it did to me. I enjoyed moving up through the ranks. He stayed for me…until he did not.”
“Perhaps he needed to find his own way? Something that would make him feel powerful?”
“Like taking care of a wife and bairn?” His mouth turned up into a quiet smile, but his eyes, while no longer snapping with anger, were muted with a deep sadness. “I suppose that would make him feel strong, needed. I know he has always seen himself as a burden to me, though he was not.”
That made sense, given what little she knew of the two brothers.
“A wife and bairn may help him understand the difference between duty gladly taken up, and burdens, aye?”
“It might, but that does not change my duty to him, or to our mum. He does not want me to keep my promise to her any longer. He even told me to find my own future, but I do not know how to do that, even if I could.”
She hated seeing the misery in Kenneth, but her heart was full that he felt he could share it with her. ’Twas not something she would have expected of the man—the gift of showing his true feelings.
And she could give him a gift, too.
“You can start exploring what that might be like right now.”
Confusion wrinkled his brow as he watched Elspet sit on a large stone near the edge of the water and take off the light brogues she wore. His brows moved upward as she wiggled her bare toes in the dirt. With a grin for him, she kilted up her skirts and waded into the frigid loch, stepping carefully over the stony bottom. She looked back at her companion with a charming, impish smile.
“There is no harm in having a little fun now and then, you ken? ’Tis a warm day, and a cold loch.” She beckoned to him. “Your future has you cooling your feet in here with me!” She leaned down and sent a splash of water toward him, just barely missing his feet.
“Och, you dinna wish to start a splash battle, lassie.” He removed his brogues, let his plaid fall to the ground, and stomped into the water, splashing his own saffron tunic as much as he splashed her.
Elspet was delighted at the quick change in his mood, and quickly instigated a full on battle, splashing him, then retreating down the shore ahead of his retaliation. They went back and forth, laughing and taunting each other, like a pair of weans, until Elspet was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. She bent over, bracing her hands on her knees, gasping and laughing, luring Kenneth closer.
“Are you well?” He moved closer to her, then laid his water-cooled hand on her back. She remembered a move Uilliam had taught her long ago in just such a battle, one that she hadn’t had need of in years. She propelled herself forward, her left shoulder catching Kenneth in the stomach. Unlike in her younger years, she was no longer a match for her opponent in height and strength, and he was no unseasoned lad, so though she meant to knock him over, he simply took the hit, letting it spin him away from her.
Elspet landed on her face in the water.
“Elspet!”
She could hear him despite the water covering her. Before she could right herself, he grabbed her around the waist and hauled her up.
“I am so sorry! ’Twas instinct that had me spinning out of the way. I did not realize…”
Elspet couldn’t help laughing as she turned in his arms, for he did not seem willing to let go of her.
“’Tis my own fault, not yours, Kenneth.” She rested her forehead against his chest, even more out of breath than she had been before her ill-executed attack. She grinned up at him. “The present is not so bad, aye?”
He leaned down, executing his own surprise move, and kissed her hard, pulling her off her feet and crushing her against his hard chest. She cupped his face in her hands and let herself fall into this kiss as she had not, not completely, before. He softened his lips, and deepened the kiss, sending a sweet sensation of chill over her skin that had nothing to do with the water she had been dunked in.
He pushed her wet hair off her cheek and kissed her there, his lips hot against the cool dampness. He smoothed her hair back from her forehead and pressed a searing kiss there. He did the same just behind her ear, then down to where her neck met her shoulder. The heat of his lips lit her up inside like a fire on a cold night, swiftly spreading through her, igniting her senses in a way that simultaneously overwhelmed and enthralled.
More. She wanted more.
He smoothed his fingers across the top of her shoulder, his eyes following the movement as if he took in every detail of the contour. His singular concentration took her breath away even as the slide of his fingertips across her skin made her lean her head away to give him greater access.
He slid the backs of his fingers along the neckline of her soaked gown.
“You will catch a cold if you are not careful, lass.” There was a tremor in his whisper that made her knees go soft and weak.
“Nay, I am strong, and you are keeping me very warm.” She kissed him, losing herself in the sensations of his lips against hers, his firm hands that held her close again.
“I fear my own strength is not equal to this moment,” he said at last. “We must stop, Elspet.”
The tremor was stronger now, and she knew if she spoke her voice would waver, too. He stepped back, letting his hands slide along her arms, taking her hands in his. He continued to back up, leading her out of the water until they both stood on dry ground, water streaming off them.
He met her eyes, holding her captive with the intensity of his gaze. “My brother told me to find my own future, and I said to you I did not ken what that meant, how to find it, but I was not allowing myself to see what that future might be.”
Elspet swallowed, hoping he had changed his mind, that he would stay, that she could ask him—
“I ken we have not known each other but a few days, and yet I feel as if we have known each other far longer.” He pushed his sleeves up, but the weight of the water in them pulled them right back down. “I feel as if we could spend our lives together.”
She started to speak but he put a finger on her lips.
“Let me finish, please. If I do not say this now, I cannot be sure I will ever be able to.”
He struggled for a long moment to speak, starting, then stopping, then opening his mouth again, and closing it.
“Just speak your heart, Kenneth. Say what you must.”
Her own joy of a few minutes ago, the fire that he had ignited within her, was quickly growing cold. He was still leaving. She could tell.
“You are my heart, Elspet. I think I knew that the moment I saw you. But Drostan is my responsibility. I do not give promises, then abandon them when they are no longer convenient. I cannot promise you what I want to, unless Drostan agrees to stay here, too.”
“You ken he will not agree to that, aye?”
He nodded. “I do.”
“And you ken he will not allow you to go with him when he leaves here?”
“Allow has naught to do with it. I am his elder brother, the head of our family. I vowed to keep him safe, to protect him. There was no limit to when that promise was complete. “
He shoved his raven hair back with both hands, then scrubbed his face and turned away from her.
His pain tore at her heart. She wanted to melt back into his arms, to go back to the abandon of a few minutes ago, to live in those precious moments for the rest of their lives, but she knew that was impossible. She had known he would not turn away from his brother and yet she had tempted him to cast aside his word, his promise, something so at odds with who he was.
She had been selfish, indulging her attraction, indulging her heart. She was the next Guardian. She understood duty to one’s clan, one’s family, as few could. How could she expect less from the man she loved?
Loved.
He turned back to her, but did not move toward her. “I a
m sorry, Elspet. I cannot change the past.”
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then another, waiting to speak until she could trust her voice.
“I understand. You do not have to apologize. I wish for you to be happy, Kenneth. ’Tis what I wish for everyone I love.”
She loved him.
And he was leaving her.
Chapter 10
Kenneth could barely breathe as he watched Elspet hurry away from him. He could not bear that he had hurt her so, that he had done so out of his own desire to be with her, to touch her, to feel…he felt so much with her. How could it not be meant to be?
He wanted to hit something, to destroy something, to cast his fury at himself and his situation outward so it wouldn’t hurt so much. Always the past had dictated his actions and the choices he must make. Always he had made those choices to honor his promise. Always.
Not once since he was ten-and-two, had he balked at doing what was needed, what was best for Drostan. Not once had he put himself first. Not once had he minded.
Until now.
Now he saw a future he wanted for himself but could not have. He had promised his mum and he had kept that promise for the last fourteen years.
He paced along the lochside for a long time, trying to see a way to honor his promise to his family, and offer the promise he wished to make to Elspet.
But he knew he had nothing to give her to entice her to go with him, except the depth of his feelings for her, and that was not enough. If he could stay here, at Dunlairig…but Drostan would not agree to that.
And so he found himself right back where he had been when he had decided, only yesterday, not to allow himself to feel anything for Elspet.
There was no future for the two of them. It would be best all around if he left with Drostan and Lily since he did not seem able to convince his brother to stay here.
He would simply have to make it clear to Drostan that he had no choice in the matter. If they left Dunlairig, Kenneth was leaving with them, whether they accepted it or not.
He might as well get the matter settled right now.
He headed back to the castle at a run, but as he rounded the bend where the castle came into view he skidded to a stop. Drostan was heading out of the gate, leading the pony, Lily and the wee bundle in her arms riding. Drostan did not stop when he spied his brother.
They were stealing away like cowards.
Anger powered Kenneth’s legs. He closed the distance between them quickly.
“Surely Lily is not recovered enough to travel yet,” he said, surprising himself with the force of his words as he stopped in front of his brother, blocking his way.
“I am,” she replied.
“Morven says she is healed enough,” Drostan laid a hand on his wife’s knee in an oddly possessive, or perhaps only comforting, way. “She says that Elspet’s presence always helps new mums heal quickly.”
A flash of the sick calf’s rapid recovery flickered in Kenneth’s mind. There was more to her healing than met the eye, he was sure, but he was also sure ’twas none of his concern if he couldn’t convince Drostan to stay.
“So you sneak away without a word?”
“We took our leave of Lady Mariota. ’Twas enough to satisfy duty.”
“But not your duty to me.” Kenneth quickly paced away and back again, struggling to keep himself calm. “The two of us are caught in a web of promises,” he said. “I thought I taught you to honor your word.”
Drostan stood tall, taller than Kenneth these days, but not as heavily muscled. Drostan was clearly not the lad of ten-and-eight he had been when he left Kilstrae. He faced Kenneth without any of the subservience he had demonstrated in the past. He had matured in a way Kenneth had never expected. He was willing to stand up to his elder brother now. He was willing to stand up for himself.
“I am sorry I did not return, Kenneth. I did not intend to fall in love with Lily, but it happened. I did not wish to leave her, and she would not leave her home.”
“You could have sent word.”
“I did, but clearly it did not arrive at Kilstrae.”
“I cannot stay here if you leave, Drostan. You ken, I will not break my promise to keep you safe I…” He shook his head; tried not to grit his teeth. They had argued over this very topic often, just before Drostan had left. “I will follow you, if I have to.”
“Nay. You will not.” He looked up at his wife for a long moment. She said nothing but seemed to speak to him with her eyes. “You always speak of keeping me safe, brother,” he said, returning his attention to Kenneth, “but I think you have forgotten the other part of your promise.”
“There was no other part.”
“Aye, there was, and even though I was but six, I remember it clearly.”
Kenneth searched his memory of that hurried moment when most of the village had already been set afire and his mother pushed him through the tiny window, then passed his brother through it and into his arms, entrusting Drostan’s life to him. Their mum had peered through the opening, tears streaming down her face, and had made him promise…safety, that was all he remembered.
“What was it then,” he asked Drostan.
“To keep us both safe and happy.”
He heard the words now, heard his mother’s tear-filled voice. Safe and happy. He had been so focused on keeping his brother alive, his only remaining family, that he had forgotten the rest.
“You kept us safe. We are each capable of keeping ourselves and others safe from harm now. But safe is not happy, Kenneth. I am happy with Lily as I never was at Kilstrae. You were the one happy training as a warrior. You were the one content to serve in the guard at Kilstrae. I wanted more. Do you not also want more?”
“I do.”
“Then can you not see that you have fulfilled your promise to our mother for me. Can you not now turn that promise on yourself? She wanted safety and happiness for us both, Kenneth. From the gossip I have heard from the lasses assisting the midwife, I think there is happiness here, at Dunlairig, awaiting you. Can you not see a good reason to remain here, where I can bring Rowan to visit her uncle? Where you and I can still be family, if at a little distance?”
It was a lot to take in, a lot to consider. “Your memory is better than mine, and your wisdom is greater.”
“’Twas Lily who saw the truth of the situation between us.”
Surprise had Kenneth reappraising his brother’s wife.
“And you would be content to allow Drostan to bring Rowan here?” he asked her.
“I would, when she is weaned. I ken, better than you know, what it is like to be without the love and support of family. I do not wish to deprive the two of you, and this wee bairnie, that comfort.” She gazed at her daughter with a softness that spoke of deep love.
Drostan took his wife’s free hand in his and kissed the back of it.
Kenneth had to look away from the intimacy of that moment, but not before he wished for it for himself…and Elspet.
“Can you accept that the promise is kept, brother?” Drostan asked.
He nodded slowly, still trying to understand how he could have forgotten so much.
“Will you stay here, then?”
Kenneth dropped his arms to his sides and made the most heartfelt wish he could, hoping that the Summer Star was hidden above bright light of day.
“I will…” He realized he was now smiling at his brother and Lily, “if Elspet will have me.”
Drostan grinned, and almost tackled Kenneth in a massive hug, pounding his big brother on the back. “She’s a fool if she will not. Go and find her! ”
Chapter 11
Kenneth found Elspet in her garden, just where he knew she would be. She stood staring out over the lock. One arm was wrapped around her middle, and the other hand lay over her heart.
She had surrounded herself in melancholy.
Never would he have thought the bright light that was Elspet could be so dimmed.
And it was h
is fault.
“Elspet?” He stopped when he drew near, not sure if she would be happy to see him.
She turned her head toward him, brushing at her cheek quickly. “Kenneth? Drostan is gone. Why are you still here?”
“I have been blind, Elspet, seeing only what I knew from the past, even as you showed me how wonderful the present is, and offered up a future I dared not wish for. I had forgotten that my mother wished for both of her sons to be not only safe, but happy. Drostan remembered. That one has become wise since he left my training, and now guides me.” He shook his head as the truth of his words sank in. “He thinks I should ask you to marry me, to be my wife, and Lily agrees.”
She had the oddest combination of happiness and grief about her, hope and despair.
“I cannot leave Dunlairig,” she said. “Just as you are bound to follow Drostan, I am bound here.”
“If I could stay here, would you have me as your husband?”
“But—“
“Please, answer my question. Happiness depends upon your answer.”
“Are you saying that you have forsaken your promise? I do not want to be the cause of that for it would eat at your honor.”
“Nay, not forsaken. Completed. Drostan convinced me that I have made us safe, and he has found happiness on his own. He wants as much for me…and you. I will stay here, if you will have me.”
She covered what he thought was a smile with her hand, looked away from him, then back.
“’Tis not the way things are done here at Dunlairig.” Her eyes were softly alight.
Kenneth allowed himself a deep breath, not knowing what she meant, but her happiness was clear and that was enough for the moment.
“What do you mean?” Did he dare hope?
“I have kept something very important from you, something you need to understand, before this,” she waved a hand between them as she had once before, “can be settled.”
Settled did not sound promising.
“You do not wish to wed with me?” The rapid movement from despair, to hope, to uncertainty of her meaning was almost too much for him. “Can you not answer that question?”
The Summer Star: One Legend, Three Enchanting Novellas (Legends of Scotland Book 2) Page 33
