by Vivian Lux
She pursed her lips. "I like things a certain way. I know they won't stay that way with this bunch of savages, but I at least like to try."
I stepped back. "Okay, well, let me know if you think of anything."
She nodded, already scrubbing a stain with single-minded focus.
I wandered back into the garage, unnoticed, and found myself a stack of boxes to sit on. Picking at my fingernails, I tried to think of something I could do to be useful. It was an odd, restless thought. Too similar to how I used to feel during the long, drawn-out days spent rattling around in the penthouse waiting for Robert to come home.
I slid down from my perch to get away from that memory. As I did, the top box came with me, falling to the concrete floor with a loud thump.
"Shit."
J. was at my side in an instant. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," I muttered ruefully, "but I don't think whatever's in there is."
He opened the top flap and peered inside, then laughed. Reaching in, he pulled out a plain black motorcycle helmet. "If this can't handle falling on the floor, then we got a real problem."
"Why do you have a box of helmets? You don't even wear one."
"Custom work. We paint 'em the same colors as we use on the bike. Make you all matchy-matchy."
I nodded in understanding as I looked into the box with relief. "You should use one, you know," I admonished J. "Isn't it the law?"
He made a small snorting noise. "Not in Pennsylvania. One of the good things about living here."
"Well, how about so you don't die?"
"I'm not gonna die. I can handle my bike."
"It's not you I'm worried about," I said, wrapping my hands around his waist. "It's other people."
He kissed my head without saying anything and held me close for a minute. When he moved to return to his work, I couldn't help but clutch at him a little.
"Hey, I said I wasn't gonna die," he said, looking down at my fists grabbing his T-shirt.
I looked at them too. "Sorry," I said, letting him go.
A little ripple of disquiet went across his face. "What is it, Em?"
I sighed and looked around. "Nothing. Just feeling restless, I guess. You all have important work to do. And I don't really have anything."
His mouth worked. "Gimme a minute, I can finish up."
I threw up my hands. "No, no, I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. Go do your work."
"Nah, it ain't important," he declared, striding over to his tools. With a practiced flick of his wrist, he had the leather kit wrapped back up and tied neatly together. "Come on," he beckoned me.
We stepped out into the blinding sunshine to where his bike was parked. "Where're we going?" I wondered.
"Let's get out of here a while," he smiled. And handed me a helmet. "No dying," he teased.
I pulled it down on my head smiling. He kicked the motor to life and we roared out of the parking lot, leaving my bad memories behind.
Chapter 6
J.
It made sense in his head for her to be wearing the helmet. Keeping her safe seemed like a natural extension of his love. Protecting her now felt as necessary as breathing.
She held on tightly as he turned onto the ramp for the Vine Expressway. They cut under the streets and skyscrapers of Center City. It felt good to be moving quickly through the light traffic of midday. J. felt his shoulders relax into the rhythm of the bike and when they reached the ramp for 76, he made a split second decision. They would head west. It was a beautiful ride into the Brandywine valley. Riding through the rolling hills and lush farmland would be just what Emmy needed to quiet her bad thoughts.
And his as well. He kicked his speed a little faster, as always trying to move faster than his rage. Because Janelle had called again while Emmy slept. His estranged sister was still trying to track him down and she nearly ran out the tape on Teach's ancient answering machine cussing him out. A terrible son...how can you be so selfish...what is wrong with you that you can't even pick up the goddamned phone and call us...?
What was wrong with him? When he felt Emmy's arms around him, he could almost believe it was nothing. She believed in him. She saw some good in him that he didn't even know was there. She made him want to try harder, to be the man she already thought him to be.
He could go to his mother's. He could. As long as Emmy was there. If he brought her, then he could have a prayer of holding on to the man he was now, not the angry, bitter wreck he used to be. He might be able to stay above the fury over his family's betrayal.
When his cheeks flushed hot, he pushed the bike even faster. The countryside was flashing by in a blur. Emmy's small white hands squeezed him, white-knuckled with fear and he backed off the speed reluctantly. Keeping her safe was more important than his anger.
For now the rage whispered, biding its time.
It was late afternoon when they finally rolled to a stop at the place he knew. A small hill, barely more than a rise, but bare of trees and seemingly unoccupied. The slope tumbled gently into the Brandywine Creek, which glinted through the trees that guarded its banks. All around them was tidy farmland and the neat rows of vineyards. J. pulled a scratchy wool blanket from his kit and spread it on the close-cropped grass. Emmy looked at him, wide-eyed in astonishment.
"Where are we?" She was twisting around, a strange expression on her face.
"Dunno, exactly. I came by here on one of my solo rides. Thought it might be the kind of place you liked." He tugged the corner of the blanket and sat down, stretching out his long legs. The sun was baking down from above and he wished he wasn't wearing jeans. He absentmindedly rolled up his cuffs and unlaced his boots. Yanking them off with his socks, he settled his bare feet into the grass.
It wasn't until he had finished his little ritual that he realized Emmy was still standing, regarding him closely. "Sit down, you're making me nervous," he said.
"Why did you think I'd like it?" she breathed.
J. furrowed his brows in confusion. "Because you told me you grew up in the country. This is the country-est place I knew."
Emmy settled down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. They listened to the creek babble gently to itself for a moment. "This is utterly unlike the country where I grew up," Emmy smiled.
"Guess I kinda thought country was country."
"I didn't even know that this was here," she continued, like she hadn't heard him. "Robert," she spat his name, "had this chauvinism about the city being the center of the world. The shit he gave me for being from a rural place...." she sighed and pulled up her pant legs to expose her pale flesh to the sun. "Sorry. I don't mean to ruin things by talking about him. This is nice, J."
J. covered her hand with his. He could tell by the tense set of her shoulders that something was bothering her. "Say what you gotta say, babe."
She gave a short, rueful little laugh. "It's such a small thing when you compare it to all the other shit he put me through. But the city was the sum total of his world and if I so much as mentioned leaving, he would lose his shit."
"Where'd you want to go?"
"Anywhere, really." A pair of sparrows flitted past, chittering angrily as they landed in a low bush. "But mostly I just wanted him to stop making me feel bad about where I'm from."
"You miss your house?"
She pressed her lips together. "It's not my house, never was. And no, not exactly. Oh god, smack me if I ever say something otherwise. But it's where I'm from, you know? What made me who I am. For better or worse."
"Then I love the country," J. said, sliding his hand up the back of her shirt to caress the soft skin.
She smiled and did a little shimmy. In spite of how much it hurt him to pull back, he did. She wanted to talk, he realized. And to his ever-growing surprise, he found that he loved to listen to her. Conversation had never much interested him before. Most of the talking he did during the day was shout questions about orders and trade insults with Case. He learned about his brothers through li
ttle dribs and drabs of information. But with Emmy he was hungry to know everything all at once.
She hunched forward when he pulled away, resting her head on her knees and hugging herself tightly. Her pale eyes squinting, she stared into the lowering sun. The golden light lit her white-blond hair, livening the platinum and honey highlights.
She was fucking breathtaking. He stared at her so hard that he almost missed the next words out of her mouth.
"It's not like here," she mused. "Here it's more open. The hills are different. Gentler. My house is almost in the mountains. Things are more closed in. We wouldn't see the sun set like this because it would disappear behind a mountain at three in the afternoon. All we got was the color. Like the aftermath."
"I didn't see the sun set much either." Emmy turned to look at him as he leaned back on his elbows. "Our street ran north-south, so it would just disappear behind the rowhomes and that would be that. When the shadow reached the other side of the street, it was time to go in."
She smiled a small, private smile. "I'd like to see your house," she prodded gently.
"I know," he cast his eyes down. "You will. Let's not talk about that shit right now, please? It's too fucking nice here to be bringing up bad shit."
She sighed and leaned back, snuggling down into his chest. "It's where you're from," she echoed. "It made you who you are."
"I hope to hell I'm better than that," he growled and she was silent.
The sun dipped lower, coloring the hazy skin a muted orange. The clouds were tipped in faint pink that deepened as the hill swallowed the light. When the last fiery sliver disappeared below the horizon, Emmy sighed a deep sigh of contentment that tore at J.'s heart. "Hey, I'm sorry," he heard himself say. "I didn't mean to be an ass."
She pulled back from him and smiled. "You can make it up to me by finding some food."
He laughed. "I saw a Wawa back on the main road."
"Good," she nodded.
He waited a beat. "You're not coming with me?"
"Do you mind?"
"Well yeah. I don't like leaving you alone."
"I feel like if I leave here, some sort of magic spell will be broken." She cocked her head at him, begging him with her eyes to understand.
He did. "I don't want to go back either," he nodded. "I'll grab us sandwiches and we'll just stay right here."
"For the night?"
"Why the hell not?"
She looked around. "Won't someone say something?"
"If they do, we'll deal with it. You can't live your life getting upset over shit that hasn't happened yet."
She laughed. "That's all I do."
"Well then stop it." He brushed a light kiss across her lips. "Don't you move from this spot. I'll be back in ten minutes."
She wrapped herself in the blanket and nodded at him, her pale eyes catching the beginnings of moonlight.
He rode so fast he frightened even himself. Leaving her like that felt like he had removed a limb. The pangs of uncertainty bloomed into paranoia as he paid for their hoagies. He made sure to loom closely over the shoulder of the greasy haired teenager in front of him. One look at the impatient, angry black biker behind him made the transaction go as quick as a wink. The cashier didn't meet his eyes when he paid and for once it didn't bother him. Let them be afraid of him, it improved the level of service. It got him back on his bike quickly and back to the hill where Emmy sat watching the shadows.
Chapter 7
Emmy
We made love under the moonlit sky. As I looked up into the indigo curtain, I felt like I was floating among the silver tipped clouds, weightless and finally free. The urgency of this morning had passed, and with it our need to hurry to the climax. It was like we finally understood that this wasn't going to be over any time soon. This was real and we were both staying right here for the duration.
I buried my face in his shoulder as I came, his name on my lips as I shuddered. When he held me tighter, tears pricked my eyes. I didn't know why I was crying other than that they were good tears. Healing tears. Happy, exhausted and desperately in love tears.
"I love you," I gasped as he ground to a halt inside me. When he flopped forward, I embraced him as hard as I could, holding him there inside of me where I wanted him to stay.
When he pulled free, I moaned. He ran a searching finger over my face. "You always do that."
"Do what?"
"Whine a little when I pull out."
I flushed deep red. "You noticed?"
"I'd have to be deaf." He traced my face again. "It's pretty much the sexiest thing ever, " he continued.
I laughed and nuzzled up to him. He spread his jacket over the two of us. The ground was lumpy under the blanket and the mosquitos were definitely starting to find us, but I didn't care. I drifted off to sleep listening to his heartbeat.
*****
There was a crunching noise. Then another one. A huff of breath.
My eyes flew open to see the beast above us. I nearly screamed before I realized.
"J.?"
"Mmm,"
"J., honey, wake up."
He was awake instantly, his head darting around. "Jesus fucking Christ!" he shouted in terror.
"Oh no no no, stop, it's okay. See? It's just a cow."
The giant Holstein regarded us placidly, her jaw working.
"Fuuuck," he breathed.
"I think we slept in a farmer's cowfield," I helpfully pointed out.
J. hadn't turned from staring at the cow. "Fuck me," he breathed again.
I realized something. "Haven't you ever seen a cow before?"
He shook his head, mesmerized. "Never up close. I've seen 'em from the road and I just, I never knew they were so fucking big."
"She's a pretty big girl," I agreed. "We should probably get the fuck out of here. Slowly," I cautioned as he grabbed hastily for his jacket.
I pushed myself unsteadily to my feet. It was still early morning. Farmer's hours. I pressed in my side where I had slept on a rock, rubbing it gingerly. I was going to pay for this.
J. was already moving normally, rolling up the blanket while casting apprehensive looks at the cow. "Don't turn your back on her," I warned him.
"Fuck," he said again.
"I can't believe my big biker is scared of an animal."
"That's not a fucking animal," he protested. "That's a house with legs."
I had to stifle my laugh as we backed away from the placid beast. She watched us go, her liquid brown eyes blinking slowly and unconcerned. Until J. kicked the engine to life. She turned tail and ran over the rise. As we moved forward, I saw that the field below was a sea of cows. "Oh my god," I shouted over the engine. "We definitely slept in a cow field."
J. only shook his head and grabbed my hand. I heeded the warning and held on tight.
The closer we got to Philadelphia, the lower my spirits sank. After a night of freedom, I wasn't ready to go back to the uncertainty and tension of the clubhouse. I didn't want to spend another day hovering at the edges, unnoticed and unneeded. By the time we rolled into the parking lot, my happiness had all but drained away.
It left completely when Case came rushing up to us, his face a mask of fury.
"You fucker!" he shouted as he barreled across the parking lot with his fists clenched. "You motherfucking asshole, I ought to kill you!"
J. stepped of the bike, moving quickly between me and the furious mountain charging towards us. "Case man, what the hell?"
Case screeched to a stop, inches from J.'s nose. His ham-sized fists were clenched at his sides, every muscle tensed and ready to swing. "We," he snarled, "are on lockdown! That means you stay at the fucking clubhouse with the rest of the fucking club so we know where the fuck you are!"
I stepped back from the bike, backing up until I felt the chain link fence behind me and could go no further. This was my fault. We had left because of me. And now J. was in trouble.
But he wasn't acting like it. He raised his hand soothingly, his
face as calm and placid as the cow's. "We're here and we're fine. Don't worry about it."
"Don't worry about it?" Spittle flew into Case's beard. "May I remind you that this all started when your hotheaded ass went and got into a fight with a guest? A guest from a bigger and way the fuck more powerful MC?"
"Hey now," J.'s voice was sharp. "You were there. You saw what that piece of shit was trying to pull."
"Yeah," Case snarled savagely. "I was there." He poked his ribs, yanking his black T-shirt up to expose the tape that held him together. "And where were you? Well you ran off with your girl. " He buried his fist in his palm. "Just like you did yesterday."
J. stepped forward so that their noses were touching. His voice was low and dangerous. 'Watch it, Ericsson."
"Watch what?" Case scoffed. "Watch you get so wrapped up in pussy you forget basic security?" HIs words twisted like a knife in my gut. "Teach is up to something. Terms are being agreed to and I don't fucking like where they are headed. I wanted to talk to you about them, but you were nowhere to be found. " He paced in a tight circle, his words spit out in staccato bursts. "Come to find that you had fucking pulled a disappearing act. Didn't bring your phone. Didn't leave a contact. You just left. In the middle of a fucking war." He stopped and stabbed an accusing finger in my direction. "To go off and bang you new chick in different scenery."
J. raised his fist, halting just before it crashed into Case's cheek. But the big man didn't even flinch. "Back off, Ericsson," J. warned. "I ain't talkin' to you when you're like this. Show some fucking respect."
"Respect! Ha!" Case laughed derisively. "That's fucking rich."
"I got enough shit on my plate. I don't need more shit from you." And with that J. stepped around his best friend. "Let's go, Em."
I felt my mouth working in silent protest. Case shot me a look of pure loathing, then turned back to the garage. "Are you coming, Em?" J. barked.
With nothing else to do but follow, I scurried behind him, the dread sitting in my stomach like a lead ball.
"Are you going to talk to him?" I whispered when we were far enough away.
