by Ali Novak
“Okay,” Cara said, taking a deep breath. “A few weeks ago, I got a call from Oliver. He wanted to see how I was doing, make sure the transplant had gone well, that sort of thing. We talked for a long time. Eventually he mentioned that one of the reasons he was calling was because the band was interested in putting on a special concert—one where all the proceeds would be donated to cancer research. Oliver asked if I wanted to come as a special guest, kinda like a face of the cause, and I said yes, so they arranged to do the show here in Minneapolis so I could attend.
“I know you’re still trying to get over Oliver, but this concert isn’t about you and him. It’s about us and any other person who’s had to go through what we did. The guys are doing this because they met you and were inspired by our story. Being here to celebrate that I kicked cancer’s ass means the world to me”—Cara paused and there were tears in her eyes—“but I don’t want to do it without you.”
My mouth had fallen open halfway through Cara’s explanation, and now I could barely speak. “They really did all this—because of us?”
Cara nodded her head. Tears were still rushing down her cheeks like a shining trail of diamonds. “Please say you’ll come,” she said, and the look on her face rattled something loose inside my chest. All I could do was nod back and try not to cry. How could I possibly say no?
• • •
Since she was a special guest, Cara didn’t just have regular tickets; she had three VIP passes. While I knew that watching the concert would bring back memories, I wasn’t ready for the surge of emotions that slammed into me as soon as we stepped backstage. Maybe it was just JJ.
“Bear!” he yelled and barreled into me so hard that I almost fell to the floor.
“JJ, you’re crushing me,” I said, barely able to breathe.
“Sorry,” he said and quickly let go. “I couldn’t help it. It’s not the same without you around.”
“You better watch out,” warned a familiar voice, and I turned to see Xander smiling at me. “I’m fairly positive that JJ’s planning to kidnap you.”
“Oh my God, Xander,” I exclaimed when I noticed the change in his appearance. His usual thick-framed glasses were gone. “You look great!”
“You think?” he asked. “I’m trying out contacts because I figured they’d be harder for JJ to break.”
“Hey, this time was purely accidental,” JJ said. “It’s not like I meant to sit on them.”
“What about the time you tried using them as a slingshot and flung them off our balcony?” Xander asked. JJ attempted to hold a straight face, but he quickly gave in to his snicker and Xander shook his head. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“Where’s Alec?” I said as I looked around. “I’d like you all to meet my sister.”
“Right here,” he said, appearing out of the shadows like a silent night creature. Like always, his face was expressionless, but from the force of his hug I knew he was glad to see me.
Oliver had yet to show his face, but since he’d already met Cara, I spent the next minute doing introductions without him. Afterward, Drew took his turn shaking the guys’ hands and getting reacquainted, and I stood back and took everything in. Being at one of the Heartbreakers’ concerts again gave me a strange feeling, like I’d suddenly been yanked back into summer. Seeing Courtney, Paul, and the usual crew going about their usual business made me feel like nothing had changed, even though that was far from the truth.
“I’ve always had a bit of a crush on your sister,” I heard JJ joke, so I turned back toward the group to listen. He was smiling down at Cara, and the look on his face—rosy cheeks and wide eyes—made me pause. “But I really have a thing for blonds.”
For someone who was normally sensitive about her hair loss, Cara blushed and laughed. Since the end of her chemo, about an inch had grown back, so tonight she’d worn what she liked to call her Scarlett Johansson wig.
“Remember what happened the last time you tried hitting on one of my sisters?” Drew said in a warning tone, but I could tell from the glint in his eyes that he was only teasing. I never heard JJ’s response because someone tapped me on the shoulder.
I knew who it was without looking, and even though I’d known I’d have to face Oliver at some point during the night, my heart lurched when I finally turned to him. His hands were shoved in the front pockets of his jeans. On his head was a beanie that reminded me of the first time we met, and a few of his brown locks curled out around his ears. Normally he stuck to plain black or white shirts, but tonight he wore a navy one that made his eyes pop like an explosion of aqua.
“Hey, Stella,” he said, looking almost shy.
“Hey, Oliver.”
Then we both just stood there and stared at each other. As the silence mounted between us, I tried to think of what I could possibly say. Thankfully, Oliver reached up, rubbed the back of his neck, and spoke first.
“How are you?” he asked, and the tension in my stomach eased a bit.
“Good, good,” I said, nodding my head quickly. “What about you? How are things going with the band?”
“Better,” he said. “We told Alec’s dad that if he didn’t give us some freedom to do our own thing, then we were done.”
“And he agreed to that?”
“Yeah, I guess he didn’t want to chance losing his biggest dollar sign. I’ve already started writing some different songs for our new album.”
“That’s great news, Oliver. I can’t wait to hear them when it’s released.”
“You won’t have to wait that long,” he said, flashing me a small smile. It wasn’t like the one I’d come to love, full faced and crooked. This was only a shadow, a cast-off of the real thing. “We’ll be playing one tonight.”
Smiley, the Heartbreakers’ stage manager, came up behind Oliver and clamped him on the shoulder before I could answer. “Come on, O-man,” he said, and pulled him toward JJ, Xander, and Alec who’d already assembled in their preshow places. “All right, gentlemen,” Smiley said once they were all in position. “It’s time to make some girls’ panties drop.”
Courtney shot Smiley a cross look. “That’s so inappropriate, Fred,” she scolded him. “And nobody says ‘panties’ anymore.”
Everybody laughed, and the back-line crew rushed up to the Heartbreakers. Someone helped Oliver with his earpiece, another passed Xander and Alec their instruments, and a third handed JJ a pair of drumsticks that he instantly tucked into the back pocket of his jeans. Then the lights dimmed, and the hair on the back of my neck rose in anticipation. It was time for the concert.
I had to squint to find my siblings in the dark. They were standing close to the side of the stage where they could actually watch the show, and when I joined them, Cara greeted me with a thumbs-up. Drew had his hands pressed over his ears as the audience started to scream, and I smiled and shook my head. From experience, I knew that the Heartbreakers’ fans were loud enough to command an entire arena. Not even a pair of soundproof headphones would help my brother now.
But today, I hardly noticed the noise. During those few quick seconds before the show began, all I could hear was a dull roar as the crowd suddenly became background music in my mind. It was like I’d been listening to my iPod and then my headphones were ripped from my ears. What was once loud and focused became a whisper of a song, one I could only make out because I’d heard it hundreds of times before.
Maybe it was because at that exact moment, my vision tunneled as I focused on one thing—Oliver. I watched as he shook out his arms to get rid of his jitters, and he must have felt my gaze because he glanced over his shoulder. When he saw me watching him, he nodded as if that was some sort of signal I was supposed to understand. I didn’t, but I also didn’t have any time to figure out what he meant.
Fred-Smiley shouted something I couldn’t hear, and Oliver swung back around to listen. Just like that, our mom
ent ended, and all my senses flooded back to me. First was the sound of the crowd—so deafening that I could feel it thumping against my chest, like bass tones blasting from a speaker. Next came my smell as I caught a whiff of Drew’s cologne. Last, I felt Cara laughing next to me.
“What?”
“Remember that time in the hospital when I said you’d never go to a Heartbreakers concert?”
Her statement made me pause. Neither of us had ever imagined this moment, the two of us standing here together, but here we were. Cara had beaten her definites. My sister was right about so many things in our life, but she’d been wrong about never seeing the boys perform. If there was such a thing as fate, she’d changed it.
“Remember when you thought you’d never go to one either?” I asked, eyebrows raised.
Somehow my question was timed perfectly with the beginning of the show. A slow-growing smile stretched across Cara’s face, and I couldn’t tell if it was the result of my comment or because Oliver’s voice was suddenly echoing through the entire arena.
Cara answered by squeezing my hand, and then she turned back toward the stage and, for the first time, watched her favorite band perform.
• • •
The concert set list was the same as the one used during the boys’ tour, so by the time they reached the last song of the night, I’d completely forgotten about Oliver’s promise of something new.
“I hope everyone enjoyed themselves tonight! I want to thank you all for supporting a cause that’s very near to our hearts,” Oliver said, gesturing back at Xander, Alec, and JJ. “By purchasing a ticket tonight, you’ve helped in the fight against cancer. To show our gratitude, we’d like to share a track that will be on our new album. How does that sound?”
“Oooh, exciting,” Cara said, tugging on my arm.
Oliver waited for the cheers to die down before continuing. “This song is called ‘Astrophil,’” he said, and then he started to sing:
Sometimes the things left unsaid
Are deadly like bullets and knives.
Mine cut you deep, girl.
We had no chance to survive.
And there’s an unspoken truth in my eyes,
But the heart whispers words
That can’t be denied.
Mine’s telling you that I’m falling,
Falling apart ’cause I fell in love.
You settled into my lungs
And crawled into my heart.
You’re in every word I sing
And my star in the dark.
Early-morning coffee
The first time that we met:
Remember the picture you took of me?
That close-up-style vignette.
My world was blurry before you;
I was too scared to see.
But slowly the picture’s developing,
And I know what’s happening to me.
You settled into my lungs
And crawled into my heart.
You’re in every word I sing
And my star in the dark.
Girl, you might think that we fell,
Fell hard from the stars,
But my love’s untouched, unmarred.
And I’m telling you that I’m coming apart,
Coming apart ’cause I’m still in love.
You settled into my lungs.
You’re in every word I sing,
Every word I sing.
When the song finished, I wished I could hit a replay button like I was listening to my iPod. That way I could hear Oliver say that he loved me over and over again. I knew the instant he started singing that it wasn’t just a song but a message for me. It wasn’t the title or the lyrics that gave it away, but because I knew that the sound of Oliver’s voice—so gruff and broken and otherworldly—could only be the product of raw emotion, and that was something my heart recognized.
“That was beautiful,” Cara said, “but I don’t get it. Why’s the song called ‘Astrophil’? What does ‘astrophil’ even mean?”
I smiled to myself. “Star-lover,” I said.
And I was his star.
I remembered back to the conversation I’d had with Cara a month ago, when she’d said there are no guarantees in life. At the time, I didn’t hear what she was saying, but now I did. By not giving Oliver a second chance, I was playing it safe like when I deferred from NYU or almost gave up on photography. I’d made a decision to stop living in fear the day I read Beth’s letter, and now I needed to follow through.
As Oliver came offstage, his face was closed off and guarded. I completely understood why—if he’d come up to me tonight and told me he loved me, I never would have listened. So through his song, he told me the only way he could. It was a risk, and he’d just displayed his heart for the world to see without knowing if he’d get a response.
But I would give him one.
I smiled and placed my hand over my chest, right above where my own heart rested, so he’d know that this time I’d heard his message. Oliver stopped midstride. He stared at me as if I were a unicorn riding a rainbow, but then the realization snapped across his face and he strode toward me. He was a few yards away when an idea came to mind, so I held up a hand, signaling for him to stop. I pulled out my cell and started scrolling through my contacts. Oliver frowned as I listened to the ringer, but then he jerked and started digging at his pocket when he felt his own phone go off.
“Hello?” His tone was uncertain when he picked up.
“Remember when you gave me your number and made me promise to call?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, his lips almost tweaking up into a grin. “You never did.”
“Well, I hope it’s not too late,” I said. “I know there’s usually a three-day rule, but I figured it was worth a shot.”
Only then did I see that real Oliver Perry smile. “Is this your way of asking me out on a date? ’Cause I’ll have to talk with my manager and see if I can fit you in.”
“Date? I never mentioned a date,” I said, but we were both grinning.
We didn’t get to talk long after that, because the boys were beckoned back onstage by chants for an encore. As I stood next to my siblings and watched, I was overwhelmed by such a foreign feeling that I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Cara bumped her hip against mine to grab my attention. “You okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding once. “I think so.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Never mind,” I said and shrugged her off. “It’s going to sound stupid.”
Our conversation caught Drew’s attention. “Come on, Stella. What’s bothering you?”
“Nothing’s bothering me,” I said immediately. It was the truth, and to prove it, I offered them both a smile. Drew seemed to believe me, and he turned his attention back to the stage. Cara, on the other hand, wasn’t willing to let it go. I could tell from the look on her face that she thought I was lying, so I gave in. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life.”
Cara’s forehead scrunched up at my response. “Then what’s your deal? Why are you acting so mopey?”
“Sorry,” I apologized. “I’m not trying to, but it just feels weird, you know? I can’t remember the last time that everything’s felt this…perfect.”
Finally, Cara seemed to understand what I was trying to explain. That empty void I’d been trying to fill since seeing Bianca’s picture of the little girl was finally overflowing again. “It does feel strange, doesn’t it?” she said. “But you have to stop thinking about it. Just enjoy the moment.”
I opened my mouth to respond—because I was totally enjoying the moment—but my words were drowned out by the cheers of the crowd as the boys stepped back onstage. Cara joined in with an ear-piercing screech.
&nbs
p; I raised an eyebrow at her.
“What?” she said with a shrug. “I can’t help it. I just love the Heartbreakers!”
Her words made something inside me shift, and I surprised us both by letting out my own fan-girl scream. The truth was, I loved the Heartbreakers too. Maybe at one time I’d hated their music, but that was when I was a different girl. The Heartbreakers hadn’t just grown on me—they’d grown to be a part of me, one that I’d never be able to sever. These boys were like my second family, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Cara snorted. “Okay, what the hell was that?” she asked and put a hand on her hip.
“What?” I said. “I can’t show a little appreciation too?”
She narrowed her eyes for a moment as if considering my answer, and then she burst out laughing. It only took seconds before I was laughing along with her. For the next five minutes we stood backstage as the Heartbreakers sang their final song and laughed until our sides ached. Maybe it was the adrenaline from hearing Oliver’s song for me, or the electricity that always seemed to be in the air at concerts, the ebb and flow of energy that moved between the performers and the audience. Or maybe it was just the love from one sister to another. Whatever it was, it was making us giddy. We both felt the change. It was in the air and our hearts, and this time it was real. It made me feel like I was flying.
“I love you, loser,” Cara wheezed as we tried to catch our breath.
“Yeah,” I said back. “I love you too.”
There wasn’t a better moment than now. We were together. We were happy. We were free.
Epilogue
“Dang, Stella. Did you let Cara pack for you?” Drew asked, grunting as he set down another heavy box. Even though it was freezing outside, and I spotted a small ring of sweat around the collar of his T-shirt.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked from my spot on the floor. I’d opened one of my duffels in the middle of the room and was sorting through clothes.
“That you packed way too much,” he said before pressing a water bottle to his lips and chugging. The thin plastic crinkled up as he sucked down all its content, and when he finished, he gasped, “How does one person even have this much junk?”
