I flinch because he’s right. Saying sorry now would just sound fake.
But if Vinny doesn’t believe me, who the hell could?
“You know the sad thing?” asks Vinny. “A few weeks ago, when we were hanging with Amy and Raquel, and you called yourself a tool—I thought it was just some bullshit you were telling yourself. Being hard on yourself because of what you did to Kiran. Which you should. I mean, who the hell just ghosts the person they’re dating on a whim like that? But now, I think you’re actually right.” He walks past me, his shoulder banging mine. “You’re actually a freaking tool.”
My shoulder throbs.
This time, I don’t chase after him.
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[CAMBRIA: THE EVOLUTION EXPANSION PACK]
[ROANA GUILD CHAT ROOM]
* * *
Devynius Foxx: Remember how we were talking about getting to know yourself
Devynius Foxx: I’ve been thinking about it more lately
Devynius Foxx: And I’m starting to realize something.
Devynius Foxx: What happens when you wake up one day
Devynius Foxx: And you’ve finally figured out who you are
Devynius Foxx: But you look at yourself in the mirror and think
Devynius Foxx: Damn
Devynius Foxx: I really don’t like this guy?
Devynius Foxx: How do you even begin to track where it all went wrong?
Kasia Coribund: Oh, Foxx.
Kasia Coribund: That’s awful.
Devynius Foxx: I’m tired of so many things
Devynius Foxx: My parents, my average day to day, moving toward an amorphous future that I don’t know if I really care about
Devynius Foxx: More than all that, though
Devynius Foxx: I think I’m tired of the voice in my head
Devynius Foxx: Of me.
Devynius Foxx: Does that mean I’m actually the problem?
Devynius Foxx: Is it actually all my fault?
Kasia Coribund: That reminds me of when people say things like
Kasia Coribund: The only thing you can control is your reaction.
Kasia Coribund: Which like, yes, okay
Kasia Coribund: No one should sit there and feel sorry for themselves when they can do something about it
Kasia Coribund: But at the same time, having to get up again and again and again, despite the crappy circumstances around you . . .
Kasia Coribund: It’s a lot.
Devynius Foxx: Honestly, I don’t know if I have an excuse.
Devynius Foxx: I’m lucky. Most of what I want in life, I get.
Devynius Foxx: Even if I don’t deserve it.
Devynius Foxx: So how do you be better?
Devynius Foxx: How do you make sure you’re moving in the right direction?
Devynius Foxx: If you don’t like who you are
Devynius Foxx: How do you get a refund?
Kasia Coribund: Be the person your dog thinks you are
Devynius Foxx: . . . um.
Devynius Foxx: Unfortunately, like you, I too lack a dog in my life.
Kasia Coribund: Then pick one!
Kasia Coribund: Pick the dog in your life
Kasia Coribund: The person who is your proverbial Good Boy
Kasia Coribund: And be the person THAT pup thinks you are.
Kasia Coribund: Keep doing the things that they’d hope you would do
Kasia Coribund: And keep doing it until it becomes second nature
Kasia Coribund: That’s my advice
Kasia Coribund: Though tbh, I’m in no position to act like I know any better =_=;
Devynius Foxx: Heh
Devynius Foxx: The dog in my life, huh
Devynius Foxx: What happens if they don’t even like you anymore?
Kasia Coribund: They always will.
Kasia Coribund: As long as you’re always trying, at least.
Kasia Coribund: And if you do happen to lose that person for good
Kasia Coribund: I’m still here.
* * *
Chapter 24
Deen
Saturday, August 7
15 Days Until the Wedding
“YOU SEEM DISTRACTED.”
Kiran’s voice shakes me out of my head.
“What?” My voice comes out like a wheeze.
It’s the day before the mehndi, and Kiran and I are in the yoga studio near her house. I wasn’t sure I was feeling up to it—after the fight with Vinny, all I’ve wanted to do is call him up and beg him not to be mad at me anymore. I miss playing pool together after class, goofing off in his room. Him filling the silence with music and weird stories about his family. Thinking about how his face looked that day is literally giving me a stomachache. Aah, what’s wrong with me? Even in my own brain, I’m thinking about it in a selfish way. Vinny’s mad, and he’s got a good reason. He’s asked me so many times to help him with Amy. Every single time I promised I would, and like the good, perfectly naive friend he is, he believed me.
I get where he’s coming from, I really do. I just wish he’d understand where I’m coming from. I’ve been so busy trying to put out fires around Faisal that I haven’t had time to notice the situation with Amy. I’ve texted Vinny a hundred times since she kissed me, but no response.
So more out of frustration than anything, I texted Kiran. Dance practice?
Kiran laughs quietly, a barely perceptible huff of air. “Welcome back, space cadet. What are you thinking about?”
“Hey, you’ve been on your phone, too.” And it’s true. We’ve been dancing for nearly an hour now, and she’s taken a phone break at least five times.
“That’s because I have a life.”
“If you’re checking your Minder account again, a tip for you: no one likes a desperate girl, Noorani.”
She punches my shoulder. “If you have time to be rude, you have time to practice. You’re still fumbling all over the place.”
“Ow.”
“And whatever bullshit you’re mulling over in your head,” she continues, looking pointedly at me, “you need to clear it out. We don’t have room for it on the dance floor. Mental distractions will mess with your focus, and God knows you need to focus if you want to get it right.” She groans. “I could be doing summer homework right now.”
“You got summer homework?”
She nods. “It’s premed stuff. A bunch of reading, mostly. Apparently they’re going to be giving us tests as soon as we step on campus.”
“That sounds like abuse.” I rub my shoulder. “You’re really set on going to med school, huh.” I don’t know why, but the thought annoys me. She has this thing that she’s really good at, and she’s just going to toss it away to do something typical. As if we don’t already have a billion desi doctors. It makes no sense.
“I’m not here for your opinions,” she answers, peeling off her hoodie and tossing it by her bag. “Now remember. Move your hips more. Exaggerate. It’s okay if you feel ridiculous. Dance is about letting yourself be—I don’t know—vulnerable.”
“At what cost?” I reply, exasperated.
“It’s the only way you’ll get any better.” Kiran blasts on the music. “You’re not as cool as you think you are, anyway,” she shouts over it.
“Lies and slander.”
She ignores me and gets in position.
It’s that song from that Bollywood movie Bajirao Mastani again—I watched the clip from the movie, and Deepika Padukone can get it—but it’s slow and not right for a duet. It’s missing something.
I sigh. I wonder if Vinny ever finished that remix.
Kiran is standing in front of me, facing the mirrors. My hands slide down her arms, hovering just above them.
I swallow hard. Focus, Deen. You’re here for Faisal. Nothing else matters.
The singing begins in earnest, and Kiran’s head falls suddenly, my own arms rising in opposition. She crouches, extending a leg and twisting in an impossible pattern I can’t quite follow.
Behind her, I lunge and turn right—
“Left,” Kiran barks—
I correct myself and turn left, until eventually we reach a flow, finding a rhythm in our steps. Kiran shoots up and dips her hands down, and I cross the room to reach her, our fingertips just grazing. I narrowly avoid stepping on her bare toes. Her back curls while mine straightens, and we spin away from each other—mine a messy, dizzy twirl of limbs, while hers is a graceful, intentioned movement. A breath, a pause, a suspension—before I reel her back in, my right hand on hers.
This time, I pull her closer, catching sight of her mouth. She’s breathing hard and her lips are parted, pink with exertion. Familiar lips.
“Hey, are you wearing makeup?” I find myself asking before my thoughts have time to catch up with my tongue.
She stumbles and glares at me. “No. You think I’d waste makeup for you?”
I chuckle softly.
The truth is, I find Kiran really easy to talk to. With her, I don’t feel the need to fill the silence. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t expect anything from me, or even want anything from me, but now that I think about it, that year we dated, she never asked anything of me, either. Never once complained that we had to hide what we were doing. All she ever wanted was for me to be there.
And I couldn’t even give her that.
What would she be like, I wonder, if she did expect something? What would she look like if she wanted something from me? Wanted me?
She looks at me, and a crash of cold water and memories come flooding: us climbing trees, laughing over video games, stealing quick kisses in the parking lot.
Deep down, you actually feel guilty about what you did to Kiran. I imagine Vinny’s voice echoing in my head, because I guess he’s the voice of my conscience now.
I lose my balance, trip over my feet, and fall backward.
Kiran bursts into laughter.
“Don’t laugh at me, you monster!” I groan and flop over. My butt hurts. “Damn, Noorani, and you had the nerve to call me mean . . .”
Her laugh falters a little. We’re both remembering our fight behind the masjid, I think, and the warm buzz between us fades away like it was never there.
She wipes the sweat off her brow, and that’s when I notice her fingers, pink and raw, like they’ve been burned.
“Looks like I’m not the only clumsy one,” I say, reaching for them.
But she tears her hand away.
We stare at each other, wordlessly. Like we’re both baffled by something, but we don’t even know what, or why.
She stands and slams the off button to the stereo. “I’m going to go pee,” she announces.
“Oh. Uh, sure,” I reply eloquently.
She nods, slips on her shoes, and shuffles away, her back stiff, like she’s a puppet on strings.
The door slams behind her.
Silence.
I look at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t even noticed it until now, but I’m breathing hard, too.
What is wrong with me? The stuff with Vinny and the lack of sleep must be messing with me. I’m here to keep Kiran under control. That’s why I’m playing nice. Right now, the line between playing and reality is getting a little too blurry for my liking.
I pick up my phone off a table in the corner of the yoga studio, trying to calm myself. There’s a message from Kasia in the guild chat. I slide my phone open and read.
Kasia Coribund: Hope you’re having a good day today, friend :)
I take a deep breath. Right now, her voice is a steady anchor.
I type out a response: Well, could be better.
The seconds crawl by as I stretch my legs. But out of the corner of my eye, I notice a glow from Kiran’s hoodie on the floor.
The glow quickly fades, and I walk over to get a closer look.
Kiran left her phone.
My heart does its own little dance in my chest. This is it. The chance I’ve been looking for. I could look through her phone, read through her texts. Maybe see if she hired the stripper, or sent something to Asher about the restaurant, something that implicates her in it all. Maybe I could see the proof she’s said she has against Faisal. See her plans—I bet she has them stored in her Notes app, like always. I could see it all.
Except it’s a huge invasion of privacy!! the voice in my head screams.
But Kiran could be doing things that are much, much worse. She could be trying to ruin Faisal’s life. The worst thing that could happen is that I find nothing and learn that she’s actually innocent. And if that’s true, well—I’ll never bother her again.
Plus, what’s a little invasion of privacy between family, right?
Just one peek.
Hands shaking, I slide my hand into her hoodie, gingerly, as if it might bite me, and yank her phone from the front pocket.
The sixty-day time card for Cambria is gone, for one thing. But her phone screen lights up, and for a moment, I’m confused.
Because on her screen is the same gray bar that was on my screen.
A notification. From a guild chat.
My mouth goes dry as I click the bar. It leads me to a chat room. Our guild chat room.
The last message I sent to Kasia Coribund sits in Kiran’s mailbox:
Devynius Foxx: Well, could be better.
I’d laugh if I remembered how. Instead, my knees go weak and my head goes white.
Kiran. Kiran is Kasia.
I drop her phone; it lands with a thud on Kiran’s hoodie and I stumble backward. No way. No fucking way.
There’s a click by the doorway and my head swivels. The door’s thrown open.
“Okay, sorry, I’m back.” Kiran walks in, wiping her hands down her pants.
I clear my throat, shoving everything down, all the emotion and shock, in one swift gulp. “Hey. Great. Yeah. Good. Cool.”
Her shoes tap against the wood floor as she approaches me. She gives me a weak smile.
“You ready to go again?” she asks.
I don’t return the smile.
“Yeah,” I croak. “I’m ready.”
Chapter 25
Deen
Saturday, August 7
15 Days Until the Wedding
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
&n
bsp; HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Years Ago
DEEN: If you could summarize your entire life using one song, which song would it be?
KIRAN: No
KIRAN: NO
KIRAN: I hate this question
KIRAN: There are too many options
KIRAN: It DEPENDS on too many things!
KIRAN: The person I am in the morning and the person I am at night are two completely different people
KIRAN: It changes by the day, by the hour!!!
KIRAN: In the morning, I’m something chill, like lo-fi jazz. But at night??
KIRAN: I’m wired like, I don’t know, Dua Lipa or something with a heavy bass.
KIRAN: Ugh
KIRAN: What about you?
DEEN: “All Star” by Smash Mouth.
KIRAN: omfg
KIRAN: first of all, you answered that WAY too quickly
KIRAN: Second of all, REALLY???
DEEN: HOLD ON, HOLD ON
DEEN: READ THE LYRICS, BRO.
DEEN: It is a work of ART
DEEN: grow up!!!!
KIRAN: I—
KIRAN: I really can’t tell if you’re kidding or not.
DEEN: lol j/k it’s actually “Starboy” by The Weeknd
DEEN: Btw, it’s cheating to use more than one song
DEEN: It’s an easy enough question:
DEEN: What is the ONE song of your SOUL?
KIRAN: Fine FINE
KIRAN: Okay . . .
KIRAN: Hmmm . . .
KIRAN: “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”
KIRAN: by Whitney Houston
KIRAN: I dunno, you can’t go wrong with the classics.
DEEN: Heh.
DEEN: Yeah.
DEEN: Now that is a proper answer.
Chapter 26
Kiran
Sunday, August 8
14 Days Until the Wedding
I’VE LEARNED MORE ABOUT MEHNDIS today than I have ever cared to know.
It All Comes Back to You Page 22
