by Zane
“Damn, you’re being straight-up bitchy today.” Lucky stomped off and got into her red ’99 VW Bug. She rolled her window down. “Bryce, I’m heading on over to the mall. I’ll meet you there. Harmony has something stuck up her ass and the shit is starting to smell foul.”
Bryce laughed. Harmony didn’t say a word. Just got in her car and revved the engine. “Aiight, Lucky. I’m meeting Colette on the bottom level, near Sears.”
“Cool.” Lucky drove off with her music blasting and bopping her head to “Silly Ho” by TLC.
“Silly hoe! How appropriate. If it weren’t for me buying her that car, she would be ass out and digging for quarters for the Metrobus.” Harmony was fuming. Bryce began to get concerned. Harmony was always playing the uppity role, but she was almost never altogether rude unless something was really wrong in her personal life. Now that she was lashing out at Lucky, who was the sunshine of her life, Bryce knew Harmony had some deep-rooted issues.
“Wanna talk about it, Sis?” Bryce leaned on the car. “I know you’re upset about Lucky and the dean. I know you’re upset about fucking Javon, whether you want to admit it or not, and I know you’re upset about the breakup with Zachary. Give it some time and you two will be back together.”
“I seriously doubt that!”
“There’s something else riling you, though.” Bryce shook her finger at Harmony, trying to figure it out. “You know I can always read your ass. So you want to talk about it? Just me and you?”
“I’ve heard enough of your mouth for one day. Thank you.”
Harmony took off, accelerating too quickly, and almost jumped the curb turning out of the parking lot.
“Whatever’s wrong with you, Big Sis, it’s gonna be aiight. Nobody fucks with a Whitfield woman and gets away with it.” Bryce spoke the words, but the only ears they fell on were her own.
“Bryce, we’re over here!” Colette was standing in the middle of the lower-level atrium waiting for her to come out of Sears.
One of the little rugrats playing in the indoor playground threw a plastic ball at Bryce when she walked past. Bryce was about to school his little rude ass, but spotted a woman who outweighed her three to one heading toward him and pegged her as the proud mom. Bryce reconsidered her next move, muttered, “Damn, BeBe’s kid,” under her breath, and concentrated on catching up to Colette.
Colette was dressed in her typical getup. Leggings and a crop top, leaving little to the imagination. She had gotten a little tan since the last time Bryce had hooked up with her so she was two shades darker than her usual high yella self.
“Where’s Lucky? She catch up to you yet?”
Colette pointed at the Karibu bookstore. “You know your sister. She’s in there collecting black literature.”
Bryce went into the store and Colette switched in right after her. “Nothing wrong with reading. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
“Yeah, well, so is a good dick.”
Bryce laughed but she was glad Harmony wasn’t there to hear it because she knew it would cause another fight. Harmony couldn’t stand Colette and Bryce thought it was terribly unfair of her. Bryce accepted just about all of Harmony’s friends. Lucky’s, too, for that matter, but it seldom worked the other way around.
“What are we reading today, Sis?”
Lucky glanced up from the Ernest Hill novel she was flipping through. “Hey, you made it!”
“Yeah, what did you think I was going to do? Make a detour?”
“No. I just figured you and Harmony would probably still be standing there cussing each other out until nightfall.”
“Something’s up with Harmony.”
“Shit! You don’t even have to tell me. That was toooooooo obvious.”
“You think it’s about the whole sex thang with Javon, or something else?”
“Hell, I’m not her freakin’ analyst. I’m studying to be a pediatrician, not a shrink.”
“Wait! Wait!” Colette had to lean against one of the bookcases to catch herself from falling out due to shock. “Are you trying to tell me Harmony fucked Javon? Javon as in Fatima’s hubby?”
“Yeah, gurl!” Lucky confirmed.
Bryce punched Lucky in the arm. “Why the hell did you say that?”
“Hmph, no point in faking the funk about it. She already figured it out and it’s not like you weren’t going to tell her later anyway. You tell her every damn thing. You’re the Oprah of the D.C. area.”
“Lucky, you’re always so quick to judge everyone else. What about the shit you did?”
“What did Lucky do?” Colette cut in.
“None of your damn beeswax!” Lucky rolled her eyes and looked back down at the copy of Satisfied with Nothin’ she had in her hands.
Bryce pulled Colette to the side and whispered in her ear, “Don’t worry. I’ll tell you everything later.”
“Aiight, gurl.”
They started giggling and Lucky igged them because she knew Bryce’s big mouth was going to put her business out everywhere except on BET.
Fifteen minutes later, Lucky came out of the store with a shopping bag full of books. Everything from Marcus Major to Walter Mosley. She had also bought a copy of Chocolate Star by Sheila Copeland since all the black sistahs at med school swore up and down it was the bomb.
Bryce only found one book that piqued her interest, The Sex Chronicles by Zane. The men at her job were crazy over it and she was curious to know what kind of book had the one-track-mind-can-I-feel-your-booty nuccas at her job so mesmerized.
Colette didn’t have a damn thing but the phone number of the dark-skinned brother with dreadlocks behind the counter.
“So where to now?” Lucky asked.
“It doesn’t matter to me,” Bryce replied, still in a foul mood because of Harmony’s outburst at the restaurant.
“Well, I got here about an hour before you two,” Colette stated, emphasizing that she didn’t appreciate having to wait on them. She looked down at her feet, which were crammed into a pair of midheel slingbacks. “My dogs are killing me. I wish I had a real man in my life right now. I would go home and let him suck my toes for me.”
“Eww!” Bryce squeezed her nose as if to prevent a pungent smell from gaining access. “I don’t mean any harm, Colette, but I have seen and smelled your crusty-ass feet. I can’t imagine any nucca being hard up enough for some pussy to suck them bad boys.”
Lucky started laughing.
“Fuck ya, Bryce.” Even though the derogatory comment had been directed toward her, Colette couldn’t help but break a smile.
“Sheeeeeeeit, sometimes you can smell those fungus breeders clear across the room.”
They stood there in the middle of the mall, sharing a good laugh and babbling on about nothing in particular.
• • •
“Dammmmmn, look at her.” They were sitting on a bench on the upper level, after hitting all the women’s clothing stores twice, when Colette started pointing at this sistah with an outfit that looked like a Band-Aid. “And Harmony calls us hoochies. She needs to be here to see this shit.”
Lucky and Bryce nodded their heads in agreement.
“Oh, shit!” It was Lucky’s turn to point. “Look at that nucca over there with the black, knee-high dress socks on with Jordans, and jean shorts.”
Bryce shoved her elbow deep into Lucky’s side. “You’re horrible. Talking about peeps like that.”
“I was just making a comment. Besides, men like that can probably suck the lining out a pussy. Anyone who dresses so fucked up better be the mofo bomb in the bedroom or they ain’t getting no play.”
“I disagree.” Colette smirked. “It is painfully obvious that Negro ain’t had puddy since puddy had he.”
Lucky and Colette gave each other a high five while Bryce tried to hold back her embarrassment. For a brief moment, sitting there in between Lucky and Colette while they were acting fuckin’ stupid, she could almost relate to how Harmony felt at times.
“Spe
aking of eating pussy, did I tell you guys about this sistah at my job who asked if she could lick my coochie?”
Lucky and Bryce both glared at Colette in disbelief.
“Get da fuck out of here!” Lucky’s eyes lit up with interest. “Are you for real?”
“Hell yeah!”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her that I love a good pussy-licking just like the next woman, but I would have to be going through serious dick deprivation to let a woman eat my nana.”
“Haha! You go, gurl!” Colette and Lucky reached over Bryce and exchanged high fives again.
Bryce shook her head and muttered, “Shame on it all!” She told Lucky and Colette she had to run because she had to make a few stops on the way home. In fact, Harmony’s attitude had ruined her day. There was something wrong with her big sister, but she knew better than to try to invade her space. When and if Harmony wanted to discuss it, Bryce knew she would reach out to her or Lucky. It was all a matter of time.
Bryce hung out another ten minutes or so listening to Colette and Lucky talk trash. One of the brothas Colette used to date walked past them with another woman and pretended like he didn’t notice her. She yelled out at him for the whole world to hear, “Two-minute brotha!”
The woman with him turned around, eyeing Colette like she wanted to rip her a new asshole.
“Don’t look at me! You’re the one with the limp-dick mofo.”
Bryce jumped up, having had enough drama for one day, hugged them both good-bye, and hauled ass.
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It came to my attention that some brothas have a problem getting or keeping it up. Especially when they’re under the influence of alcohol or a dime bag of weed.
Even one of my homeboys who’s doing five to ten in Lorton for armed robbery called me collect, that trifling Negro, and told me he was having trouble staying hard while his shemale was sucking him off.
Being the superhero of the ghetto that I am, I decided I had to do something to save the brothas some face. I walked around the neighborhood collecting samples of crack, heroin, weed, and some other shit you’ve probably never heard of from every drug dealer I’ve known since way back in the day when Car Wash and Flashlight were the jams.
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I poured it into a pitcher of Cherry Ade and guess what happened? My dick stayed hard for three whole weeks. I was tearing pussy and ass up right and left. Sistahs I didn’t know were banging on my door begging for me to knock them off a piece. Even my mother’s best friend and her husband came through trying to get me to fuck them both. I told them I didn’t get down like that, but I fucked the shit out of her fat ass though.
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Well, they’re waving their hands in the air, letting me know my minute is up, so peace, and remember, if you value your sex drive, buy you some Niagra today and never, ever, ever, ever, ever leave home without it.
We now return to the regularly scheduled program, Shame on It All, already in progress.
Part Two
Crazy-Ass Nuccas
6
Dirty Drawers
Bryce had just plopped down on the couch and kicked up her feet when the phone rang. She was exhausted from working up a storm in the kitchen, preparing a special meal for her man. She couldn’t wait to see him. She was past horny and planned to jump his bones the second he walked through their front door.
The cordless was charging on the cradle across the room and Bryce just glared at it for the first three rings. She didn’t want to answer it, but George was late and she suspected it might be him.
“Damn!” She got up to get it, stubbed her big toe on the coffee table, and repeated, “Damn!”
“Hello, George?” she asked excitedly.
“Hell naw, this ain’t George!” Colette blared from the other end of the line.
Bryce was highly disappointed and it showed. “Oh, hey, Colette,” she said despondently.
“Well, try not to sound so excited.”
“No, I didn’t mean to sound rude. George should’ve been home from his business trip hours ago and he hasn’t called or anything.”
“You still dealing with that trifling-ass Negro? All this good-ass dick in the D.C. area and you’re settling for his bullshit. You’re a trip, gurl!”
“Colette, all of the men in D.C. are playas. Stop the madness. You’re just fooling yourself if you think otherwise. Look at the ratio of women to men. Hell, if I was a man with those kind of odds, I’d be getting my jimmy waxed day and night, too.”
“Kind of like the way you waxed that brotha’s dick in Lamar’s basement, huh?” Colette asked sarcastically.
“Fuck you, Colette!”
Colette started cackling and Bryce couldn’t help but join in.
“George and I are cool now. I know I said I was gonna dump him after he came back from his last trip, but he was so charming and irresistible when he got home.” Bryce plopped back down on the couch. “He even bought me a silk teddy and a huge teddy bear. I named it Casanova Brown.”
“Oh my, how black of you,” Colette responded.
“Sheit, you’re just jealous because the nuccas you deal with never buy you anything. Oops, my bad. They do buy you those cheap-ass drawers from Wal-Mart and then talk you out of them with Cracker Jack toys.”
“Fuck ya, Bryce,” Colette said jokingly. “Too bad you can’t see my middle finger through the phone because it’s sticking up to the ceiling.”
They both fell out laughing again, but the moment was followed by an uncomfortable silence. Bryce could sense something was troubling Colette.
“Colette, what’s wrong with you?”
“What chuuuuuuu mean?” was all she got back.
“You’re the most talkative sistah I know
next to Harmony.” Bryce giggled. “Most of the time I have to boguard to even get a word in edgewise. Don’t try to play me. I know something’s up with you, so give me the lowdown.”
“Ain’t no lowdown.” There was a pause. “But, I did lose my job yesterday.”
“Damn!” Bryce sat up and put her feet back on the floor. “How in the hell did that happen?”
“It wasn’t anything I did. Matter of fact, I was working my ass off for that old crusty-ass white man at the warehouse. He wasn’t paying me doodley-squat, but he had no problems working my ass like a slave.”
“Hmph, I heard that! Sounds like you’re better off without that gig anyway then, Sis.” Bryce mused it over for a few seconds and interpreted the true reasoning behind Colette’s call. “So what are you going to do to make ends meet now?”
“I dunno, gurl,” Colette said sullenly. “I’ll find something, I suppose.”
“Things are tight at the investment firm right now, Sis. I’m lucky they haven’t come up with some unjustifiable excuse to kick me out the door. You know how it is. When you’re black, you’ve got to work twice as hard to prove yourself. But when you’re a black woman, that means you’ve got to work ten times as hard.”
“I can relate.”
Bryce hesitated, but felt compelled to add, “I could ask Harmony to hook you up with a temp job just to tide you over. It might not be something extravagant, but it will mean some cash. Besides, I can’t imagine anything else being as bad as that warehouse. It sounds like he was treating you like chattel.”
“Gurl, he was. As far as Harmony, yeah right! You know your sister ain’t gonna give my ass a job. She hates my fuckin’ guts.”
Bryce wanted to argue the fuckin’ guts part, but couldn’t since it was nothing but the truth. “Harmony can be the queen bitch sometimes. I’ll be the first to admit that, but that’s only because she’s stressed out.”
“From where I’m sitting, she must be stressed-out twenty-four seven. Every time I see Harmony, she’s bitching.”
