by Lesley Jones
“So are we going to relive every time I put my hands on you? Fucking hell Lauren, nobody’s marriage is perfect, I don’t know why you’re so sensitive about it all, and couples fight every day.”
“But ours stopped being a fight Jay, I stopped fighting back because you would just hurt me more and I was never going to win, so I just stopped fighting back, that’s when it became abuse Jay.”
“Oh no way, I never abused you, it was, it just got out of hand sometimes, you always have to have the last word, and you’re even doing it now.”
I’m wasting my time, he will never understand, he will never get it, he say’s sorry because, despite everything, he does have good manners, so to him, saying sorry is the right thing to do, it has nothing to do with regret or remorse for his actions and I realise now, it never was, he has and will never understand what he has done to me, why it’s wrong and why I will never go back to him.
I sit up in the bed and hold his face in both my hands as I shake my head and let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“I love you Jay, I will always love you but we will never be getting back together, I love Gabe and I will be spending the rest of my life with him, he wants to marry me and as soon as it’s legal, that’s what we’ll do; I’m sorry but that’s just the way that it is, you had me and you treated me badly and no amount of apologising will ever put that right, I don’t believe you mean it, you think you do, but I know that you don’t and I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry that I can’t forgive you but I think I deserve better than the way you treated me and I would never trust you not to go back to your old ways.”
I manage not to cry as I talk but he has tears rolling down his cheeks and I don’t even feel guilt, nothing. I brush his tears away with my right hand and as I lean towards him, he pulls me in and kisses me on the mouth, I don’t stop him, I let his mouth linger on mine, I want him to realise, I need him to feel, that there is nothing there, on my part there is nothing, his kiss means nothing.
“Lauren?”
I look up to see Gabe standing in the doorway.
“What the fuck are you doing? Why is he here?”
Jason pushes up from his chair.
“She’s still my wife; I have every right to be here.”
“You gave up your rights when you put her in the fucking hospital, get the fuck out of here before you end up in one of these beds as a patient.”
“Gabe, please, don’t, I don’t want.”
“Don’t want what Lauren, me? Him to leave? You want him to fucking stay? Fine, but I won’t be.”
He turns around and leaves, Jemma is standing behind him and he almost knocks her over as he goes past.
“Sorry Jem, tell your friend I wish her well.”
I look at Jason, “Please leave.”
He nods, “I’m sorry ‘Ren, I’m sorry for everything and just remember…”
“Just go Jason, just go.”
He walks out of the room and past Jemma, my eyes meet hers and all I can do is shake my head, I pull my knees up and cross my arms over them, resting my head on my cast, “What the fuck was that, what just happened, were you kissing Jason?”
“What? No, he kissed me; I was trying to prove a point. I just needed him to feel that there’s nothing there for me anymore, I need him to finally get it’s over and then Gabe walked in, I was just trying to calm it down and Gabe thought I was taking Jay’s side and wanting him to stay and stormed off…Fucking hell Jem, could my life get any worse?”
“Well yeah actually, your mother arrives tomorrow, that will send your blood pressure soaring.”
I drop my arms to my side and look up at the ceiling, fuck, shit, fucking shit bollocks, I am so pissed off, and I can’t even cry I’m so angry. I look across at Jemma.
“What did you bring me, something better than this I hope?” I pull at the hospital gown, I’m so sick of trying to keep my arse covered; I want my jarmies or at least some knickers.
“Jo’s on her way up, she’s been to Peter Alexander and treated you to something nice, want me to help you shower or are you okay? Good to see you awake by the way, you scared me to fucking death.”
She bursts into tears before she finishes speaking and throws herself at me, making me cry too. By the time Jo comes through the door, we are lying in my bed, eating the Ferrero Rocher that someone has left for me and crying between mouthfuls of chocolate.
“Oh God, what are you doing? You pair of pussies, you promised me you wouldn’t cry Jem, think of her blood pressure, Gabe said she shouldn’t be getting upset”
“Fuck off Jo, its Gabe that’s upset her, not me.”
We spend the rest of the evening talking girl talk, Jo doing most of the talking, filling us in on the amazing sexploits she is enjoying with Jake; it would appear he is as kinky as she is.
“Aside from the sex, how’s it going?” I ask her; she looks from me to Jemma and shrugs.
“Josephine Elizabeth Myer. No way, you like him, don’t you? Wow, I’m shocked.”
She shrugs again. “Look, he might not be Mr Right but he is definitely Mr Right Now and we are both enjoying the ride.”
“Have you got a picture, I want to see what this man looks like who’s stolen my friend away and swapped her for someone…well someone else, someone who’s not a complete commitment-phobe,” Jemma makes a grab for Jo’s phone but she snatches it away and she actually blushes.
“I have pics, but none that I can show you, they’re a bit, well, they’re all a bit naked.”
We all scream and giggle like school girls, Jemma and I both begging Jo to show us the aforementioned photo’s, she eventually relents, and we scream some more.
By the time the girls leave, I am showered, my hair has been washed, dried and GHD’d to within an inch of its life and I am sitting in my bed in my sexy new PJ’s. I check my phone that Jo dropped off and read all of the lovely messages left by friends and family whilst I have been unwell. I call Gabe’s number, it’s getting late and visiting will end soon and I want to see him and explain what was going on with Jay when he walked in earlier, I have a horrible feeling gnawing away in the pit of my stomach, he is under enough stress, I really don’t want him upset anymore, it goes straight to voicemail, which if he is still with Ava is understandable, I send him a text asking how Ava is doing and if he will be back here tonight, I get no reply.
The girls bought me a gourmet burger earlier so I send my evening meal away when it arrives later; I have a bit of a headache and am feeling quiet tired after my eventful day. Andrea must have gone home as a different nurse, Megan, comes to take my blood pressure and the rest of my observations.
“Well your BP is coming down nicely, how’s your head feeling?”
“Actually it aches a little bit, can I have something for it please?”
“Yep, no worries, Dr Anderson has said you can have a valium if you feel the need, it might help relax you and help you sleep, it’s up to you?”
“Sounds perfect, I will take whatever is on offer.”
By the time the drugs kick in Gabe’s still not arrived, nor has he returned my call or replied to my text and I’m suddenly feeling tearful and just a little bit alone as I drift off to sleep.
CHAPTER 15
“I’m telling you now, if you take them, I will call the nurse and tell her what you have done.”
“Oh shut up, look, there’s loads, they won’t miss them and I might have some of them wipes as well, you can’t buy surgical spirit here you know, so them wipes are good, or Germoline, can’t buy Germoline either.”
“God, Germoline, the pink stuff right? I remember that, anyway, you’re still not nicking the gloves, or the wipes put them back, Lauren will go mad.”
“I can hear you know. Whatever you’re thieving mother, put it back.”
I open my eyes to my Mum and my sister arguing and my Mum emptying my room’s medical supplies into her handbag.
“Well that bang on the head hasn’t changed you much th
en; you never did miss a trick.”
My Mum stands from her chair and brushes my fringe off my forehead and kisses it; she sits as my sister stands and gives me the biggest hug, saying into my ear, “Sorry, I tried to talk her out of coming but she was having none of it.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll just ask for more drugs while you’re here,” I reply.
“I can hear ya, you pair of bitches.”
Vickie and I both laugh, my Mum knows we’re joking, it’s a tradition that we gang up on her whenever we are together but she knows we love her, don’t always like her but she’s our Mum so our love is unconditional.
“You don’t look very sick Lauren, I thought you would have had your head all bandaged and look at ya, you look like you’ve just stepped out of a beauty parlour, not just had a near death experience, look at ya, hair all nice and sexy pyjamas on; who’s all this in aid of, is the doctor good looking or is it your new fella, the one with the gay name.”
My sister and I try to contain our smiles as my mother rambles on.
“You do actually look great Lauren, how are you feeling, what have they said?” My sister asks.
“I feel okay, the knock was to my temple, there’s not really even a bump, it’s just the Jet Ski caught me in the wrong place and rattled my brain in my head, apparently the body’s response to this is to shut down your brain until it has recovered.”
“Oi Mum, you must have had a knock to the head at some stage, coz your brains been shut down for years.”
My sister and I burst into laughter at my sisters observation, my Mum flips us her middle finger.
“What were you doing on a Jet Ski anyway Lauren, ain’t you a bit old for all that malarkey now?”
I glare at my Mum but inwardly smile; I love the sound of her cockney accent, it’s just as strong as the day we arrived, it tugs at my heart, reminding me of happy times, family times, we used to be such a close family, my Mum and Dad, my sister and my two brothers, we were close in England but grew even closer when we moved here, we had to, we didn’t know anybody else. My brothers had both messaged since I had been in the hospital and so had all my nieces and nephews, it would be so nice to see them all, just to have one day, where all of us could be together; I can feel tears threatening at the backs of my eyes and I swallow down the lump in my throat.
Vickie and my Mum stay until after lunch and then go off to do some shopping, Gabe has arranged for them to stay at a nearby hotel and has apparently paid for everything up front, he has done all this for me, for my family, but he hadn’t even called to say goodnight or good morning and I can’t help the tears once I am alone and they start to fall just as Andrea walks in, she stops in her approach.
“You ok darl? It’s the meds, they make everyone teary after a couple of days, plus all that’s happened, you have a good cry, it’ll do you good, doctors about to come and see you though, so you might want to hold off for a minute.”
I smile at her weakly, I really wanted Gabe here when I got these results, what if there’s something wrong.
“Has Gabe called?” I ask hopefully, he hasn’t called or text my mobile so perhaps he has called the ward.
“Yes, he called last night and this morning but you were sleeping both times and he said not to wake you.”
Well that’s something I suppose. Dr Anderson breezes in with his doctor posse in tow.
“Good afternoon Lauren, my you are looking much better, all good news, nothing to worry about with the MRI scan and your blood pressure has come down nicely, I think we can let you go home tomorrow if all is well in the morning.”
He shines his torch in my eyes and takes my blood pressure as he talks, “Perfect, I’ll make arrangements and you can go in the morning.”
I don’t even get chance to speak and he breezes out again, Sam comes through the door minutes after, she looks almost as tired as Gabe. Without saying a word she comes towards the bed and hugs me.
“Thank god you’re okay Lauren, this, all of this has just been too fucking awful.”
“I know, it’s surreal; How is everyone, how’s CJ, what’s the latest on Ava?”
She frowns at me, “Have you not spoken to Gabe?”
I chew the skin on the inside of my lip as I shake my head and try not to cry.
“CJ’s fine, he’s upset about you and Ava and obviously devastated about his pops but physically he’s fine. Ava’s okay, they were going to start bringing her around but she’s had a reaction to one of the drugs she’s on and her temperature shot up last night, causing a bit of panic, she needs more tests today, I can’t believe Gabe hasn’t been in touch to tell you all this, has he not been to see you?”
I let out a long breath that I had been holding while Sam spoke, “He came yesterday, Jay was here, he walked in just as Jay kissed me, he walked out and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah shit,” I actually couldn’t think of anything else to add to that.
Sam told me Charlie’s cause of death was a massive heart attack; the funeral was being delayed until the following week because of mine and Ava’s conditions, Jackie had spent a couple of days in the hospital and was parading about in a neck brace, despite being told to only wear it if she was in pain. We chatted about me being allowed home, I asked Sam if she would come and collect me in the morning and take me to Ava’s hospital, which she agreed to do. My Mum and sister returned and I made the introductions, we sat and chatted for a while before Sam left, my family leaving a couple of hours later. They were leaving in the morning to go back to their own lives; I thanked them for coming, disappointed that they hadn’t got to meet Gabe.
I still hadn’t heard a word from him, so I sent a message telling him I was good to come home in the morning, he’s reply came straight back:
That’s nice, I’m glad there was nothing else wrong x
That was it, nothing else; it hurts more than being ignored yesterday. I curled up on my side and wrap my arms around myself, if I squeeze really tight, it doesn’t hurt quite so bad, the drugs are wearing off and I have a bit of a belly ache, a horrible dragging sensation like I am going to get a period, I never had gone to the doctors to get myself checked out, I will put an alarm on my phone to remind me to make yet another appointment and will try to keep it this time.
I climb out of bed to go to the bathroom just as Megan the nurse from last night walks in, she gives me a big smile, “Well look at you, you are looking much…Oh Lauren, sorry, have you got your period? I think you’ve leaked, do you have something? I can go and find you some pads?”
Shit, just what I needed and all over my nice new pyjamas. “God, thanks, I have nothing with me, I’ll just jump in the shower and change my clothes, how embarrassing.”
“Lauren, really, we see much worse, I’ll go see what I can find for you, if not I will pop down to the shop.”
I jump into the shower and rinse the blood out of my pyjama bottoms, pulling on my yoga pants when I get out, the cramps were cranking up now so I ask Megan for some pain relief when she comes back with a box of tampons for me.
I take my drugs and send a text message off to Gabe:
Plz talk to me Gabe, I feel so alone, I miss you, I hope Ava is doing okay and that you are too. I luv u xxx
I try to stay awake to see if I get a reply but I must last a whole three minutes before I can no longer fight my eyelids.
I feel something gently brush my lips and I take a deep breath in, I can smell him, I can feel him and I want to taste him, my hands reach up to his hair so I can I pull him further into me but he’s gone, he was never there, I was dreaming, I check my phone, it’s three in the morning and he hasn’t replied to my text or called me. I curl into a ball and cry until I must fall back to sleep.
I wake the next morning feeling like shit, my head aches and my belly aches, although luckily, the bleeding has stopped, I have a one armed shower and dress myself so that I am ready and waiting to leave as soon as the nurse talks through
my discharge notes and what to do if I feel unwell – blah, blah, blah.
Sam arrives at exactly the moment I am told I can leave and we head to her car, “Has Gabe been in touch?”
I shake my head, if I talk, I will cry; we get into her car in silence and start the drive to see Ava, I have no idea if Gabe will be there but I want to see her regardless. Sam’s phone rings and the console lights up with ‘Jen’.
“Hey Sam.”
“Morning Sam, look are you going to the hospital today to see Lauren?”
“No, they’ve let her home, Laurens here in the car with me now.”
“Hi Jen, I’ve escaped.”
“Lauren, so good to hear your voice, I’m so glad they’ve let you home, sorry I didn’t come visit, but, well what with everything.”
“Jen, honestly, I had so many visitors, its fine, really and you know, with everything else, I’m really not top priority right now, I’m fine, other people aren’t doing so well.”
Shit, did I make that sound like a ‘Oh don’t any one worry about me’ type of speech? It goes quiet for a second too long, “Jen, you ok?”
“Lauren, Ava took a bit of a turn for the worse this morning, she’s having all sorts of adverse reactions to some of the drugs she’s being given, Gabe is in a terrible state, could you go to the hospital rather than going home?”
“I’m on my way there Jen; I wasn’t going home, what have they said? Is there someone there with Gabe now? This can’t be happening.”
I look over at Sam, she’s trying to concentrate on the early morning traffic and listen to the phone conversation, “Nina has been with Gabe all night but she has had to go home to sort the kids out, she will be back there shortly, Gabe hasn’t left her side for almost two days, he really needs you there Lauren.”
