Now, he was back, and Allison was gone. Just the idea that I could still have a crush on him made my stomach revolt slightly.
Because it didn’t matter that it had been almost a decade since Allison and Aiden were together. He had been hers.
He wasn’t mine. He couldn’t be mine.
And now, every time I looked at him, I would think about the fact that he had been hurt because of me, and it complicated things. Because I hadn’t been strong enough to protect myself, and he had been forced to come to the rescue.
“Are you going to just stare at that bone?” Violet asked. “Do you want to go home, Sienna? We can just go home and forget all about this.”
“I’m fine. I promise.” I set down my chicken wing bone and picked up my appetizer plate so I could pile it with nachos. “I’m starving. And the food’s amazing.”
“Dillon did great,” Harmony agreed. “Brendon said that he’s really taken to cooking and all the other aspects of it. And Aiden’s been helping. Even when he’s growling about his hand.”
I held back a wince, but I was pretty sure Violet saw it anyway. My sister was far too good at reading my moods, and I hated that sometimes.
Meadow moaned. “I think I’m in love with this salad, is there crab in it?”
“Yes, it’s like a fish salad but not as gross as it sounds.”
“How does a fish salad sound gross?” I asked, piling another plate with both of the salads. I was apparently starving. And Aiden was an amazing cook. Even if he was just showing Dillon how to make it happen.
“I don’t know, it just sounds weird to me. But Aiden knows what he’s doing.”
“Yes, he does,” Brendon said, winking at us as he came forward with another tray.
“This time, he’s made you a cheese plate. So, he didn’t actually do any cooking with this, but there are some jams and honeys that he got from locally-sourced areas, and all the cheese is locally-sourced, as well.” He set it down in front of us, and I swore I drooled.
“I’m going to gain so much weight, but I don’t care. Oh my God, is that brie?”
“Try it with the honey on this bread that Aiden baked earlier.”
I looked up. “He baked the bread?”
“He did everything except for the kneading. Dillon did that while Aiden just glowered over him.”
“Aiden does glower a lot,” Meadow said quickly. “But I think that’s just his resting face.”
That made Brendon throw his head back and laugh. “Oh my God, I have to tell him that. Instead of resting bitch face, he has a resting glower face.”
“RGF?” Harmony asked. “I kind of like that. Of course, I think all of you Connollys sometimes get it. He just happens to have the worst of it.” Brendon leaned forward and kissed Harmony softly, a gentle, lingering kiss that sent shivers down my spine. “He just needs a woman.”
Brendon gave me a look before he stood back up again, and I pointedly ignored him.
I knew the others thought that there had to be something between us considering how much we fought, but there wasn’t.
And there wasn’t going to be.
Despite that night.
No, I wasn’t going to think about that.
“I didn’t think I was starving before this, but I’m going to help finish everything on this table. I hope that’s okay,” I said to Brendon, shaking my head. “Because this looks amazing.”
“It is amazing. I taste-tested everything while he was making it in the back.” He patted his belly. “I’m having to work out twice as hard just to get over the fact that my little brother is an amazing chef and trying out new recipes here.”
Harmony narrowed her eyes and licked her lips. “Oh, I’m sure we can find ways for you to work out.”
I snorted, quickly filling my mouth with food so I wouldn’t say something inappropriate. Harmony was usually a little prim, a bit proper. But ever since she and Brendon had declared their love for each other, some of my own antics were coming out of her. Or maybe it was just her inner thoughts. Brendon was a bit more upper-crust than the rest of his brothers, even though he had come from the same streets that they had. He just tended to be a little more business-like. Brendon and my friend worked well together, but from the looks exchanged between them, I was afraid I was going to get pregnant just watching the two of them. Sheesh.
Brendon left us alone, and Meadow left the table for a moment to go up to the bar and talk to the female bartender that the brothers had hired.
Not Beckham.
Interesting. I didn’t know what was said, but it looked like the two women knew each other before Meadow came back to the table, smiling. “Sorry, I know her son. I tutored him a few times. I was just wondering how she was doing.”
I looked up at Jersey and nodded. “Oh, yeah, I forgot she has a teenage son. You tutor?” I asked.
“Not often. But that was a special case. Anyway, I really don’t think I can eat another bite.”
“I don’t think I can either,” I said. I pushed my plate away, even though it was completely clean. “Okay, I think I ate half of what was on this table.”
“Well, you haven’t really been eating for the past week. I’m glad that you stuffed your face.”
I looked up. “Well, Violet, I’m not going to pass up wings, nachos, and the best salads ever,” I said, laughing.
“Hell no, you’re not,” Violet said, leaning back as she patted her stomach.
I stood up from the table and stretched, ignoring the way my skin hurt. My whole body still hurt, and I was grateful that it hadn’t been worse, but it still wasn’t the best.
“I’m going to use the restroom, I’ll be right back.”
Violet stood up too, and I shook my head. “I can go by myself. I’m safe here.”
“You can go by yourself, yes, but I thought girls traveled in packs to the bathroom.”
“Just let me go by myself. I promise I’ll be good. I’ll be quick.”
Violet gave me a long look but then nodded before sitting back down.
It didn’t matter that I figured that Violet actually did have to use the restroom, I just wanted to do one thing on my own and prove that I could. I was probably being an idiot, but I couldn’t help it. Inside, I was shaking, trying to get back to my old self. It wasn’t going to be easy.
I turned the corner down the hall and smacked right into a very hard chest.
A hard chest that I knew. Intimately.
My hands went to Aiden’s pecs, and I looked up, blinking.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice soft.
“I’m fine. Sorry for bumping into you.”
“I’m sorry, too.” He took a step back, and I missed the warmth, but I told myself that was fine. “The guys told me you were here.”
“The food was amazing.” I looked down at his bandaged hand and swallowed hard. My eyes burned, but I ignored it. I would not cry. I would not.
“You and Dillon did a great job.”
He looked down at his hand and snorted. “Dillon did a great job. I just ordered him around.”
“I guess you’re good at that.” I winced, annoyed at myself for saying it like that. But Aiden just smiled. The action brightened his face. I’d missed that smile. But I told myself it was fine. I didn’t deserve that expression. Because he had been hurt because of me.
“We should talk. Soon. We need to.”
I met his gaze and shook my head. “No. We can’t. We don’t need to.”
I turned away. I couldn’t stand to look at him. Not because he had done anything wrong. But because every time I saw him, I remembered what had happened in that alley, and I remembered that it was my fault that he was hurt. I just needed some time apart.
We had already needed time apart before the attack, and this just solidified it.
He reached for me, but I quickly took a step back.
When he cursed under his breath, I just sighed.
“I’m not going to hurt you.”
&nb
sp; “I know you won’t. But I need to go.”
“Sienna.”
“I need to go,” I repeated. I practically ran towards the table and picked up my purse. The others looked at me, worry clear in their gazes.
“I need to go, I’m not feeling well.”
“I’ll go with you,” Violet said. “You shouldn’t go out alone.”
“I need to.”
“I’m walking that way anyway,” Meadow said softly. “My car’s parked right next to yours. We’ll just go. We don’t even have to talk. But don’t walk alone tonight, at least for everyone else’s peace of mind.”
I looked at my friends and nodded.
“Fine.”
I said my goodbyes and tried to act like everything was casual. But it wasn’t.
Nothing was casual about this.
I had parked closer to the bar tonight, and for that I was grateful. Everything was lit up, everything was safe, and I was very much aware that Aiden and Cameron were outside, watching us walk to our cars.
I was never alone these days, and I didn’t think I was going to be truly alone like I had been that night again.
My friends wouldn’t let me.
I said goodbye to Meadow, waved at the guys near the bar, and got into my car, driving home even as I shook.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
Yeah, I was trying to deal with the attack, but it was more that every time I saw Aiden, everything just came back to the surface, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I was just exhausted and full. And I really needed to pee.
This was my life now, one never-ending weirdness after another.
I pulled into my driveway, got out, and checked my mail. There was no one around. It was a relatively quiet street, and I was grateful.
I pulled out my bills and whatever junk mail they had given me, and then pulled out a single red rose.
I froze, wondering why that would be in my mailbox. Maybe it had been one of my neighbors. The couple next door, Jeff and Dave, were wonderful and had been so supportive after the attack. They, along with my sister, had baked and cooked for me so I wouldn’t even have to make dinner. It had probably been them, wanting to make sure that I was taken care of and knew I was loved.
But I still looked at the rose, wondering how and why it could be there.
For an instant, I thought maybe it could be from Aiden, but that would never be.
He wasn’t the roses type.
And, anyway, it didn’t matter. Because he wasn’t mine.
Nothing was mine.
Never again.
Chapter Four
Aiden
I hadn’t been here in over a month. I probably should have come before this, but it wasn’t the easiest thing for me. Hell, it shouldn’t be easy, and I guess that’s why I was here at all.
I lowered myself to the ground and set the single tulip on Allison’s grave.
“Sorry it took me so long to get here. Wasn’t sure what to say. What I needed to say. Or even if you wanted me here.” I shrugged, knowing no one was around to listen to me, and hell, I didn’t even know if Allison could hear me.
Throughout my life, I’d thought a lot about death, mostly because it was something that I figured a lot of people did. At first, it had been because I was afraid I was going to die when I was a kid. Not because of some illness or sickness I couldn’t control, but because my mother was just that bad of a parent. I didn’t even know who my father was, only that I shared him with Cameron. I didn’t share my father with Dillon. No one knew who Dillon’s father was.
And then when I had gone into the foster system, for some reason, I had always thought death was lurking, just waiting to take me away. Maybe that was easier than trying to figure out how to grow up without a family or even a pillow to call your own.
I hadn’t thought about death as much when I moved in with Jack and Rose. When they took me in and called me a Connolly. When they did the same with my twin and then with Brendon.
It was easier to grow up thinking that maybe you were invincible when you actually had someone to rely on. When you figured out that perhaps someone would be there to kiss your wounds or take you to the hospital if you actually hurt yourself worse than just a scrape from a fall off your bike.
So, I hadn’t thought about death as much until I got older when I learned how to drive.
I thought about going too fast on curves, or what would happen if I accidentally went off a bridge.
Little things that were actually more commonplace than most people thought.
Just little instances in your life where you thought about death, and then you forgot about it because you were alive. You weren’t sick. You were whole.
I hadn’t really thought about death when I was in college, other than just trying not to make the mistake of accidentally hurting myself by drinking too much or driving too fast.
I had thought about death right at the end of my relationship with Allison, though.
Not because either of us was sick or because I’d thought I wanted to die.
Because we had held death between us.
And then I had moved on. I became an adult and learned how to be a real grownup that actually had to deal with a job and health insurance and a 401K.
I’d only thought about death in the abstract because it was something that came for all of us. I just figured it’d be when I was older. Because I had been lucky that I wasn’t sick. Lucky that I’d lived through all the things that could’ve taken someone out quickly.
I hadn’t thought about death again until I’d gotten the call that the first person I ever loved wasn’t here anymore.
“I hate the fact that I’m angry, Allison.” I swallowed hard and traced my finger across her name in the cold stone. I expected it to cut like a blade, not to feel smooth under my skin. “I’m always angry these days. And I hate the fact that I’m angry with you. You weren’t supposed to die, Allison. You were supposed to outlive all of us because you smiled. Because you were so damn happy about everything. But it’d been a while since I’d seen you, right? Maybe I was only thinking about the girl you had been. The girl I loved.”
I didn’t cry, but I did pinch the bridge of my nose, forcing the emotion back. I was too angry to think about anything else. Too upset to feel sad, to feel the overwhelming urge to just weep about the fact that Allison was gone.
No, I was too angry for that.
“I don’t know why you had to do that. I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew why or would’ve seen it. I wish I would’ve actually been in your life more than I was. But I wasn’t there. And I’m not asshole enough to think I would’ve been able to stop it. I don’t know why you did it, Allison. And I hate myself more every day for the fact that I wasn’t there.”
I shook my head and let my eyes close, the sun warm on my face.
“That makes me a selfish asshole, doesn’t it? Because what you did had nothing to do with me. We had nothing to do with each other for long enough that I don’t even know why you did it. But your friends don’t either, Allison. I look at Violet, Sienna, and Harmony. I look at them, and I see the same confusion that I have. And I hate the fact that we don’t have answers. And that we might not ever. But maybe that’s on us. Maybe we should’ve been able to see.” I let out a shaky breath and opened my eyes, trailing my fingers across her name again.
“I hope you’re with her.” I whispered the words, this time my throat closing as I forced myself not to cry. “I hope to God that isn’t why you’re here. But…I just hope you’re with her. I loved you, Allison. I still do. And I hate the fact that you’re gone. And sometimes…sometimes, I just hate the fact that I’m here.”
I wiped away the fallen leaves and stray pieces of grass that dared to venture onto the new mound of soil that was Allison’s grave and just tried to soak in the sun. I tried not to feel the overwhelming sense that I was doing something wrong.
My hand hurt, even though it was healin
g, and everything else hurt just because I wasn’t sleeping enough and wasn’t doing anything that was normally on my schedule.
I really hated the fact that Allison was here. I remembered once when we were talking about what we wanted if one of us died, long before we had thought it’d be an issue. But we each talked about cremation and having our ashes thrown to the wind. Maybe in a place that we both loved, or somewhere that one of us wanted to visit. Just somewhere. But she hadn’t made a will—none of us had. And her parents had done what they thought was best.
That meant no organ donation and no cremation. She’d been buried in a dress to match her eyes. Eyes that would never be open again. And now, she was here, taking up space.
Her words, not mine. Because I never thought Allison could take up space. Not in any way. But what did I know? I was just the guy who had once loved her. The guy who still loved her, only not in the same way that I had when we were in love.
So, I sat there for a little bit longer and then I made my way back to my car, saying goodbye one more time.
I didn’t know if I would be back. Didn’t know if it would help anything. I was just feeling out of sorts lately, not able to do what I normally did. I couldn’t work out the way I wanted, couldn’t cook the way I wanted. Couldn’t do anything the way I wanted. So, I had been feeling a little petulant and, because of that, I needed to center myself.
Though seeing the place where Allison had been laid to rest hadn’t really helped like I thought it would.
Nothing helped these days.
I got home, anger still coursing in my veins just because I felt useless. But I would go to work later, and maybe things would fall into place.
I liked living in Denver, well at least in the suburbs. I wasn’t really a downtown guy, though I worked there. I had worked there before I started at the bar, although it had been at a Michelin-starred restaurant where I never would’ve moved up because of the nepotism.
It hadn’t mattered that I was a better chef than any of the people in there. Hadn’t mattered that I could run the place better than anyone I worked with. I hadn’t been blood, so I hadn’t been wanted.
Falling With You: A Fractured Connections Novel Page 4
