Ridcully noted his wooden expression. ‘Would it be an accident like a particular page being torn out leaving only a lingering bananary aroma?’
‘Lucky guess, Archchancellor.’
Ridcully scratched his chin. ‘A pattern emerges,’ he said.
‘You see, he’s always been dead set against anyone finding out his name,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘He’s afraid we’ll try to turn him back into a human.’ He looked meaningfully at the Dean, who put on an offended expression. ‘Some people have been going around saying that an ape as Librarian is unsuitable.’
‘I merely expressed the view that it is against the traditions of the University—’ the Dean began.
‘Which consist largely of niggling, big dinners and shouting damnfool things about keys in the middle of the night,’ said Ridcully. ‘So I don’t think we—’
The expressions on the faces of the other wizards made him turn around.
The Librarian had entered the hall. He walked very slowly, because of the amount of clothing he’d put on; the sheer volume of coats and sweaters meant that his arms, instead of being used as extra feet, were sticking out very nearly horizontally on either side of his body. But the most horrifying aspect of the shuffling apparition was the red woolly hat.
It was jolly. It had a bobble on it. It had been knitted by Mrs Whitlow, who was technically an extremely good needlewoman, but if she had a fault it lay in failing to take into account the precise dimensions of the intended recipient. Several wizards had on occasion been presented with one of her creations, which often assumed they had three ankles or a neck two metres across. Most of the things were surreptitiously given away to charitable institutions. You can say this about Ankh-Morpork – no matter how misshapen a garment, there will always be someone somewhere it would fit.
Mrs Whitlow’s mistake here was the assumption that the Librarian, for whom she had considerable respect, would like a red bobble hat with side flaps that tied under his chin. Given that this would technically require that they be tied under his groin, he’d opted to let them flap loose.
He turned a sad face towards the wizards as he stopped outside the Library door. He reached for the handle. He said, in a very weak voice, ‘’k,’ and then sneezed.
The pile of clothing settled. When the wizards pulled it away, they found underneath a very large, thick book bound in hairy red leather.
‘Says Ook on the cover,’ said the Senior Wrangler after a while, in a rather strained voice.
‘Does it say who it’s by?’ said the Dean.
‘Bad taste, that man.’
‘I meant that maybe it’d be his real name.’
‘Can we look inside?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. ‘There may be an index.’
‘Any volunteers to look inside the Librarian?’ said Ridcully. ‘Don’t all shout.’
‘The morphic instability responds to the environment,’ said Ponder. ‘Isn’t that interesting? He’s near the Library, so it turns him into a book. Sort of . . . protective camouflage, you could say. It’s as if he evolves to fit in with—’
‘Thank you, Mister Stibbons. And is there a point to this?’
‘Well, I assume we can look inside,’ said Ponder. ‘A book is meant to be opened. There’s even a black leather bookmark, see?’
‘Oh, that’s a bookmark, is it?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, who had been watching it nervously.
Ponder touched the book. It was warm. And it opened easily enough.
Every page was covered with ‘ook’.
‘Good dialogue, but the plot is a little dull.’
‘Dean! I’d be obliged if you’d take this seriously, please!’ said Ridcully. He tapped his foot once or twice. ‘Anyone got any more ideas?’
The wizards stared at one another and shrugged.
‘I suppose . . .’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
‘Yes, Runes . . . Arnold, isn’t it?’
‘No, Archchancellor . . .’
‘Well, out with it anyway.’
‘I suppose . . . I know this sounds ridiculous, but . . .’
‘Go on, man. We’re almost all agog.’
‘I suppose there’s always . . . Rincewind.’
Ridcully stared at him for a moment. ‘Skinny fella? Scruffy beard? Bloody useless wizard? Got that box on legs thingy?’
‘That’s right, Archchancellor. Well done. Er . . . he was the Deputy Librarian for a while, as I expect you remember.’
‘Not really, but do go on,’ he said.
‘In fact he was here when the Librarian . . . became the Librarian. And I remember once, when we were watching the Librarian stamping four books all at the same time, he said, “Amazing, really, when you think he was born in Ankh-Morpork.” I’m sure if anyone knows the name of the Librarian it’s Rincewind.’
‘Well, go and fetch him, then! I suppose you do know where he is, do you?’
‘Technically, yes, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder quickly. ‘But we’re not sure quite where the place where he is is, if you follow me.’
Ridcully gave him another stare.
‘You see, we think he’s on EcksEcksEcksEcks, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder.
‘EcksEcks—’
‘—EcksEcks, Archchancellor.’
‘I thought no one knew where that place was,’ said Ridcully.
‘Exactly, Archchancellor,’ said Ponder. Sometimes you had to turn facts in several directions until you found the right way to fit them into Ridcully’s head.8
‘What’s he doing there?’
‘We don’t really know, Archchancellor. If you remember, we believe he ended up there after that Agatean business . . .’
‘What did he want to go there for?’
‘I don’t think he exactly wanted to,’ said Ponder. ‘Er . . . we sent him. It was a trivial error in bi-locational thaumaturgy that anyone could make.’
‘But you made it, as I recall,’ said Ridcully, whose memory could spring nasty surprises like that.
‘I am a member of the team, sir,’ said Ponder, pointedly.
‘Well, if he doesn’t want to be there, and we need him here, let’s bring him b—’
The rest of the sentence was drowned out not by a noise but by a sort of bloom of quietness, which rolled over the wizards and was so oppressive and soft that they couldn’t even hear their own heartbeats. Old Tom, the University’s magical and tongueless bell, tolled out 2 a.m. by striking the silences.
‘Er—’ said Ponder. ‘It’s not as simple as that.’
Ridcully blinked. ‘Why not?’ he said. ‘Bring him back by magic. We sent him there, we can bring him back.’
‘Er . . . it’d take months to set it up properly, if you want him back right here,’ said Ponder. ‘If we get it wrong he’ll end up arriving in a circle fifty feet wide.’
‘That’s not a problem, is it? If we keep out of it he can land anywhere.’
‘I don’t think you quite understand, sir. The signal to noise ratio of any thaumic transfer over an uncertain distance, coupled with the Disc’s own spin, will almost certainly result in a practical averaging of the arriving subject over an area of a couple of thousand square feet at least, sir.’
‘Say again?’
Ponder took a deep breath. ‘I mean he’ll end up arriving as a circle. Fifty feet wide.’
‘Ah. So he probably wouldn’t be very good in the Library after that, then.’
‘Only as a very large bookmark, sir.’
‘All right, then, it’s down to sheer geography. Who’ve we got who knows anything about geography?’
The miners emerged from the vertical shaft like ants leaving a burning nest. There were thumps and thuds from below, and at one point Strewth’s hat shot up into the air, turned over a few times and dropped back.
There was silence for a while and then, bits cracking off it like errant pieces of shell on a newly hatched chick, the thing pulled itself out of the shaft and . . .
. . . looked around it
.
The miners, crouched behind various bushes and sheds, were quite certain of this, even though the monster had no visible eyes.
It turned, its hundreds of little legs moving rather stiffly, as if they’d spent too much time buried in the ground.
Then, weaving slightly, it set off.
And far away in the shimmering red desert, the man in the pointy hat climbed carefully out of his hole. He held in both hands a bowl made of bark. It contained . . . lots of vitamins, valuable protein and essential fats. See? No mention of wriggling at all.
A fire was smouldering a little way away. He put the bowl down carefully and picked up a large stick, stood quietly for a moment and then suddenly began to hop around the fire, smacking the ground with the stick and shouting, ‘Hah!’ When the ground had been subdued to his apparent satisfaction he whacked at the bushes as if they had personally offended him, and bashed a couple of trees as well.
Finally he advanced on a couple of flat rocks, lifted up each one in turn, averted his eyes, shouted, ‘Hah!’ again and flailed blindly at the ground beneath.
The landscape having been acceptably pacified, he sat down to eat his supper before it escaped.
It tasted a little like chicken. When you are hungry enough, practically anything can.
And eyes watched him from the nearby waterhole. They were not the tiny eyes of the swarming beetles and tadpoles that made a careful examination of every handful he drank a vital gastronomic precaution. These were far older eyes, and currently without any physical component.
For weeks a man whose ability to find water was limited to checking if his feet were wet had survived in this oven-ready country by falling into waterholes. A man who thought of spiders as harmless little creatures had experienced only a couple of nasty shocks when, by now, this approach should have left him with arms the size of beer barrels that glowed in the dark. The man had even hit the seashore once and paddled in a little way to look at the pretty blue jellyfish, and it was all the watcher could do to see that he got a mere light sting which ceased to be agonizing after only a few days.
The waterhole bubbled and the ground trembled as if, despite the cloudless sky, there was a storm somewhere.
Now it was three o’clock in the morning. Ridcully was good at doing without other people’s sleep.
Unseen University was much bigger on the inside. Thousands of years as the leading establishment of practical magic in a world where dimensions were largely a matter of chance in any case had left it bulging in places where it shouldn’t have places. There were rooms containing rooms which, if you entered them, turned out to contain the room you’d started with, which can be a problem if you are in a conga line.
And because it was so big it could afford to have an almost unlimited number of staff on the premises. Tenure was automatic or, more accurately, non-existent. You found an empty room, turned up for meals as usual, and generally no one noticed, although if you were unfortunate you might attract students. And if you looked hard enough in some of the outlying regions of the University, you could find an expert on anything.
You could even find an expert on finding an expert. The Professor of Recondite Architecture and Origami Map Folding had been woken up, been introduced to the Archchancellor, who had never set eyes on him before, and had produced a map of the University which would probably be accurate for the next few days and looked rather like a chrysanthemum in the act of exploding.
Finally, the wizards reached a door and Ridcully glared at the brass plate on it as if it had just been cheeky to him.
‘“Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography”,’ he said. ‘This looks like the one.’
‘We must have walked miles,’ said the Dean, leaning against the wall. ‘I don’t recognize any of this.’
Ridcully glanced around. The walls were stone but had at some time been painted in that very special institutional green that you get when an almost-finished cup of coffee is left standing for a couple of weeks. There was a board covered in balding and darker green felt on which had been optimistically thumbtacked the word ‘Notices’. But from the looks of it there had never been any notices and never would be, ever. There was a smell of ancient dinners.
Ridcully shrugged, and knocked on the door.
‘I don’t remember him,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
‘I think I do,’ said the Dean. ‘Not a very promising boy. Had ears. Don’t often see him around, though. Always has a suntan. Odd, that.’
‘He’s on the staff. If anyone knows anything about geography, he’s our man.’ Ridcully knocked again.
‘Perhaps he’s out,’ said the Dean. ‘That’s where you mostly get geography, outside.’
Ridcully pointed to a little wooden device by the door. There was one outside every wizard’s study. It consisted of a little sliding panel in a frame. Currently it was revealing the word ‘IN’ and, presumably, was covering the word ‘OUT’, although you could never be sure with some wizards.9
The Dean tried to slide the panel. It refused to budge.
‘He must come out sometimes,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘Besides, sensible men should be in bed at three a.m.’
‘Yes, indeed,’ said the Dean meaningfully.
Ridcully thumped on the door. ‘I demand that you open up!’ he shouted. ‘I am the Master of this College!’
The door moved under the blow, but not very much. It was blocked by what turned out to be, after some strenuous shoving by all the wizards, an enormous pile of paperwork. The Dean picked up a yellowing piece of paper.
‘This is the memo saying I’ve been appointed as Dean!’ he said. ‘That was years ago!’
‘Surely he must come out somet—’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘Oh dear . . .’
The same thought had occurred to the other wizards, too.
‘Remember poor old Wally Sluvver?’ murmured the Chair of Indefinite Studies, looking around in some trepidation. ‘Three years of tutorials post mortem.’
‘Well, the students did say he was a bit quiet,’ said Ridcully. He sniffed. ‘Doesn’t smell bad in here. Quite fresh, really. Pleasantly salty. Aha . . .’
There was bright light under a door at the other end of the crowded and dusty room, and the wizards could hear a gentle splashing.
‘Bath night. Good man,’ said Ridcully. ‘Well, we don’t have to disturb him.’
He peered at the titles of the books that lined the room.
‘Bound to be a lot about EcksEcksEcksEcks somewhere here,’ he added, pulling out a volume at random. ‘Come along. One man, one book each.’
‘Can we at least send out for some breakfast?’ grumbled the Dean.
‘Far too early for breakfast,’ said Ridcully.
‘Well, some supper, then?’
‘Too late for supper.’
The Chair of Indefinite Studies took in the rest of the room. A lizard scuttled across the wall and disappeared.
‘Bit of a mess in here, isn’t there?’ he said, glaring at the place where the lizard had been. ‘Everything’s very dusty. What’s in all those boxes?’
‘Says “Rocks” on this side,’ said the Dean. ‘Makes sense. If you’re going to study the outdoors, do it in the warm.’
‘But what about all the fishing nets and coconuts?’
The Dean had to agree the point. The study was a mess, even by the extremely expansive standards of wizardry. Boxes of dusty rocks occupied the little space that wasn’t covered with books and paper. They had been variously labelled, with inscriptions like ‘Rocks from Lower Down’, ‘Other Rocks’, ‘Curious Rocks’ and ‘Probably Not Rocks’. Further boxes, to Ponder’s rising interest, were marked ‘Remarkable Bones’, ‘Bones’ and ‘Dull Bones’.
‘One of those people who pokes his nose where it doesn’t belong, I fancy,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, and sniffed. He sniffed again, and looked down at the book he’d picked at random.
‘This is a pressed squid collection,’ he
said.
‘Oh, is it any good? I used to collect starfish when I was a boy,’ said Ponder.
The Lecturer in Recent Runes shut the book and frowned at him over the top of it. ‘I daresay you did, young man. And old fossils too, I expect.’
‘I always thought that old fossils might have a lot to teach us,’ said Ponder. ‘Perhaps I was wrong,’ he added darkly.
‘Well, I for one have never believed all that business about dead animals turning into stone,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘It’s against all reason. What’s in it for them?’
‘So how do you explain fossils, then?’ said Ponder.
‘Ah, you see, I don’t,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, with a triumphant smile. ‘It saves so much trouble in the long run. How do skinless sausages hold together, Mister Stibbons?’
‘What? Eh? How should I know something like that?’
‘Really? You don’t know that but you think you’re entirely qualified to know how the whole universe was put together, do you? Anyway, you don’t have to explain fossils. They’re there. Why try to turn everything into a big mystery? If you go around asking questions the whole time you’ll never get anything done.’
‘Well, what are we put here for?’ said Ponder.
‘There you go again,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
‘Says here it’s girt by sea,’ said the Senior Wrangler.
He looked up at their stares.
‘This continent EcksEcksEcksEcks,’ he added, pointing at a page. ‘Says here “Little is known about it save that it is girt by sea.”’
‘I’m glad to see someone has their mind on the task in hand,’ said Ridcully. ‘You two get on with some studyin’, please. Right, then, Senior Wrangler . . . girt by sea, is it?’
‘Apparently.’
‘Well . . . it would be, wouldn’t it,’ said Ridcully. ‘Anything else?’
‘I used to know a Gert,’ said the Bursar. The terror of the Library had sent his somewhat erratic sanity on a downward slide into the calm pink clouds again.
‘Not . . . very much,’ said the Senior Wrangler, flicking through the pages. ‘Sir Roderick Purdeigh spent many years looking for the alleged continent and was very emphatic that it didn’t exist.’
Last Continent Page 3
