by Sofia Grey
Tight, mud-spattered jeans clung to her ass, and she wore a long-sleeved sweater. A knit cap covered her hair. Her sweater had risen to expose a patch of delectable golden skin. I thought longingly about pressing a kiss to that very spot.
With muddy boots on her feet, she was a version of Kate I hadn’t seen before. Practical and vigorous. I liked it.
It wasn’t right to stay there watching though, so I cleared my throat, to get her attention. As she whirled around, I smiled at her pink cheeks and wide eyes.
“Hey.” I played it cool. “I was kinda passing, and you said I could drop by.”
“Jordan.” She stood frozen. “I wasn’t expecting you today. I mean, yes. Of course, you’re welcome. Where on earth were you going, if this was kinda passing?”
Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all. I managed a shrug. “I have a meeting in Manchester tomorrow.” Lie. “It wasn’t such a big diversion.”
Her lips curved in a smile. “I’m not so sure about that, but you must be thirsty. Would you like to come in for a drink?”
That was more promising. “I’d love to. Thank you.”
She abandoned her muddy boots and brightly patterned gardening gloves in the porch and led me inside the house. Padding across the tiled floor in fluffy pink socks, she glanced over her shoulder at me. “How soon do you have to leave?”
“I can stay a while if you’re not busy. I don’t wanna interrupt your plans.”
“No plans.” She opened the fridge and peered inside, then grabbed a bottle of milk. “Coffee? I’ve bottled water if you’d like a cold drink first.”
“Water is good. Thanks.”
She handed me a chilled bottle and waved toward the chairs at a long scrubbed wooden table. “Please, sit down.” She took off her hat, and her hair tumbled free.
“Your hair is long.”
She blushed. “I haven’t had it cut in months. I thought of having it restyled for the wedding, but I don’t trust the hairdressers around here. They’re more used to little old ladies.”
“Don’t cut it short again.” I spoke without thinking, and she gave me a questioning gaze
“I mean it suits you like that.” I changed the subject before I sounded like a pompous ass. “Before I forget. I found something you left behind.” I pulled the Oasis CD from my pocket and put it on the table, watching emotions fly across her face.
“The Masterplan. I’ve been looking for that everywhere. Thank you.” She picked it up, a brilliant smile on her face, and then frowned as she looked at me again. “You didn’t drive all this way, just to bring back my CD. Did you?”
What should I say? Ask her for another chance? Ask if she still felt anything for me? I agonized for a moment, then remembered the gift I bought her.
“There was something else.” I slipped a hand in my jacket pocket. “It’s an early Christmas present.” I held out the little velvet pouch and dropped it in her open hand when she approached.
Kate shook out the contents with care. Three silver charms. This time I’d picked a crescent moon, a glittering star, and an enameled butterfly. She examined them intently, and then looked at me with a beaming smile. “They’re beautiful. Thank you. I love them.”
“My meeting isn’t until tomorrow, so if you’re not busy we could spend some time together? It’s only a couple of hours to Manchester; I don’t need to leave right away.”
She frowned, and my heart sank. She was going to say she had plans already. But then she smiled, a little uncertainly. “If you like, you can stay here tonight and leave first thing tomorrow. The roads will be quiet then, and you should be able to get back in plenty of time.” She blushed furiously and looked away, seemingly unable to meet my gaze.
“Thanks. I’ll do that if you don’t mind the intrusion.” My mind whirled. I might still have a chance with her.
“You’ll be sleeping in the guest room, though.” There was a warning tone in her voice, but I was happy she’d asked me to stay at all. If she demanded I sleep on the lawn outside, I’d probably accept.
The air between us felt charged, and I was unsure what to do or say next. I took a long drink and glanced at my watch for inspiration. “Why don’t you take a shower, and I’ll see if I can sort out some dinner?”
“My fridge is almost empty. I need to get some groceries.”
“Do you wanna give me a list? I can go while you get cleaned up.”
She laughed. “I’ll have that shower, and then we can both go. I warn you, it’s not what you’re used to.”
I raised my eyebrows. “They don’t sell pastrami?”
“Maybe if you’re lucky.” Laughing again, she disappeared upstairs.
I wandered around, curious about her home, but not wanting to be too nosy. I stopped when I found a comfortable room with French windows that opened out to the garden. A worn but inviting sofa lay in the last rays of the late afternoon sunshine, and I sat down, for a minute. It was so quiet here. All I could hear was birds, a clock ticking, and the faint noise of the shower running upstairs. No traffic or people or planes. She had a peaceful spot here.
The sofa engulfed me, and I gazed out over the garden, noting the work she’d done, the freshly dug beds and young spiky plants. I felt strangely at home, and I yawned. The journey was long and tiring. I didn’t sleep much last night, and was up early.
My eyelids drooped, as I thought of Kate in the shower. How I’d love to be in there with her.
21.2 Kate
I hurried through my shower, my heart racing and my head spinning. Jordan was here. Just a couple of hours after calling. Was he really on his way to a meeting, or was that an excuse to see me? We didn’t talk much at the wedding, and I left feeling very confused. To have him here was amazing. And nerve wracking.
Of course he found me in the garden, filthy and probably stinking from working there. I was unable to resist the good weather and wanted to get some things done. I wanted my home to look nice.
And therein lay a dilemma. If I wanted any chance at a relationship with Jordan again, how could it possibly work? It was impossible when I lived in Manchester. This was even further away. Would I consider moving to his London apartment? Yes. But at the cost of losing this place? I loved it here. It was my home.
It would be chilly tonight, and I was glad I’d brought in firewood and laid the fire in the little living room. After the kitchen, it was my favourite downstairs room, and one I decided would become my library.
I was amused to see Jordan sprawled out in there, fast asleep, with Billy curled up on his stomach. I perched on the arm of the sofa and took a good look at my husband. His face was pale, with shadows under his eyes, as though he wasn’t sleeping properly. I reached out to stroke Billy, who arched his neck into my hand, purring.
Jordan’s cologne, a musky, woody scent, was achingly familiar. I longed to slip my fingers through his thick black hair. To caress his face. I held back. The scars from our separation ran deep.
He acted as though he wanted to reconcile with me, but it couldn’t be that easy.
He married me out of a misguided sense of obligation, but that wasn’t enough for me.
I was in love with him. Nothing less would do in return.
It was difficult to tear myself away. He’d haunted my dreams for so long, I felt like pinching myself to wake up. His lips were irresistible, the temptation to brush my mouth over his overwhelming. I moved closer and leaned over him.
Quickly, I swept my lips across his, a feather-light kiss that was enough to wake him. He opened his eyes, dark pools I could lose myself in, and stared into mine. I pulled back, our gazes still locked.
“Hi,” he said sleepily and stretched. Billy dug his claws in at the sudden movement, and Jordan glanced at him. “I found this guy in here. You didn’t tell me you had a cat.”
“You never asked.” The spell was broken, but I wasn’t ready to move yet. Instead, I slipped a hand to Billy again and tickled him under the chin.
His
loud rumbling purr returned, and Jordan stared at him, a smile growing on his face. “He’s cute. You had him long?”
“His name’s Billy, and he came with the house. I’ve never had a cat before, but he’s good company.”
Jordan yawned, shifting his position, and Billy jumped off and stalked over to the windows, where he sat and washed, ignoring us both.
My body gave me signals my brain was unable to follow, and I had to move before I did anything silly. I stood and went to close the curtains. It was completely dark now. I glanced back at Jordan. “Do you want to freshen up as well, before we go?”
He yawned again. “I’ll have a shower later if that’s okay.”
He said he’d drive, and as he started the car, his iPod began playing.
“Jordan, this is The Masterplan. I didn’t think you liked Oasis.”
He shrugged. “It kinda grows on you.”
It made me smile and lifted my mood further. We walked around the local supermarket like any other couple, with me grabbing the basics I needed while Jordan picked out cheese before browsing through the small wine selection. I bought large baking potatoes and a local specialty—lamb steaks in a mint marinade—for dinner.
Jordan followed my every movement. I longed to stand a little closer, hold his hand, or feel his arm around my waist, but at the same time it felt too intimate. I consoled myself with helping him to pack the groceries into bags and touching his fingers as we reached for the same item. I noted the curious glances of the other shoppers. This was a tightly knit community, and I was still an outsider. I’d never been seen with someone else.
While Jordan showered, I washed the potatoes and rubbed a little olive oil and salt onto the skins, to prepare them for the oven, the way I liked them. I had an hour or so before the steaks could be cooked, so I slipped upstairs, to make sure Jordan had everything he needed. I hesitated outside the bathroom door. I felt like the stranger now and was stricken with indecision.
The door opened, and Jordan stuck his head out. He looked taken aback to see me there, but he recovered quickly. “I wondered if you had a fresh towel? I didn’t bring one with me.”
My cheeks burned, and I turned away to hide my face. Jordan had one of my skimpy towels wrapped around his waist, and nothing else. I calmed myself while I got him another bath towel, but the sight of his near-naked body did strange things to me. I knocked, and then shoved the towel in through the door, noting his amused expression. I hurried downstairs again, and prowled around, while I waited for my face to stop burning.
Get a grip, I told myself. I never used to be so indecisive. I needed to ask him what his intentions were. Find out if he loved me.
21.3 Jenny
Cade took Monday afternoon off, to finish the security updates to the house. He and Dad installed a high-tech new alarm system. Unlike many infrared-based systems that were only triggered once an intruder gained entry, this one was based on perimeter monitoring.
Each window had a sensor that would set off the alarm if pried open or if the glass was smashed. Both front and back door had the same, and there were panic buttons in the kitchen and bedroom. All I had to remember was to set the alarm every night. It couldn’t be more secure.
I didn’t have much to move in. Kate left almost everything behind, and I still hadn’t picked up my stuff from Rob’s house, as I now thought of it. Cade was moving his gear across today. There was no reason to wait, since we’d made the decision.
It would be good.
When Marella asked if I had time for a coffee and a chat, I didn’t think twice about it. Since she broke up with Adam, we’d become our own little support group, united in our newly-single status.
She nudged at the foam on her cappuccino, and then gazed out the window. She looked troubled.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I feel awkward, saying this.” Marella dropped a couple of artificial sweeteners into the coffee and stirred.
I felt instantly anxious, a condition all too familiar.
She looked up and met my gaze. “I saw Rob at lunchtime. Your Rob.”
My throat tightened. “Here?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I called into the salad bar inside Sainsbury, and he was buying his lunch at the same time. He recognized me and said hello.”
I focused on the details. Apart from Rob buying salad for lunch, it was believable. The giant supermarket was less than a mile from here, and I’d shopped with him there many times. Enough reason for me not to visit it anytime soon.
“Thanks. I’ll stay away.” I’d warn Cade, too. We had plenty of supermarkets closer to Didsbury, and I’d pick somewhere else to buy lunch from. It was a good thing Marella saw him there.
“He looks a mess, Jenny. Really rough.”
I felt a ripple of satisfaction. I hated what he’d reduced me to and how I had to constantly look over my shoulder. If it made him sleep badly, I was glad. If that made me a nasty person, so be it.
“Thanks. I’m sorry you had to see him, but I don’t want to talk about Rob.”
She nodded, and the conversation was over.
21.4 Jordan
I heard soft, familiar music playing from the kitchen when I came downstairs. Oasis. Kate stood by the window, fussing over Billy, and I watched the scene transfixed. It was peaceful. The night beyond the window was pitch black, and that was a novelty for someone used to living in a major city.
“Would you like some wine? Dinner will be half an hour, more or less.” She plucked a couple of glasses from the counter. “I lit the fire in the library, where you sat before. It should be nice and cozy now.”
I followed her, and when she sat on the sofa, I claimed the space next to her. The open bottle of wine was on the coffee table, and I poured us a glass each. “The library? You plan to fill this with books?”
“Yup. I’ve got boxes of them upstairs.” She huffed a laugh. “When I moved from Manchester, I left behind my saucepans and cooking utensils, but I brought all my books. What can you tell about my priorities?”
“I didn’t realize you were such a reader.”
She sat up straight and turned to face me. “There’s probably a lot we don’t know about each other. I’m glad you came today. We need to talk.”
My first reaction was to back off, but common sense nudged me. She hadn’t told me to go to hell; she’d invited me to stay the night. I came here with the intention of having a serious conversation, and I wasn’t backing down now.
“You’re right.” I spoke softly and made sure my body language stayed relaxed and open.
Kate took a sip of her wine and nodded. “Good choice, by the way.” She took another drink, and then put her glass down. The anticipation was killing me. “In the ideal world, what would happen next? Between us? I guess I don’t know why you’re really here.”
I kept my gaze fixed on hers. Pain blossomed in her eyes. It would be easy to say I wanted us to be friends. To move on. But that wasn’t what I hoped for. “I’m here because I can’t stop thinking about you. Because, in the ideal world, you’d hear me out when I say I’m prepared to do anything, to make things between us work. Because I regret everything I did wrong and every second of pain I caused you.”
Kate opened her mouth to speak, but I shook my head and carried on. “I know I don’t deserve another chance. You have a dozen reasons not to forgive me.” I had to pause, to swallow the lump in my throat. “I can’t forgive myself, and if I could carry the burden of your pain as well, I would do so.”
Her eyes were huge, a myriad of emotions flitting across her face. I burned to kiss her, but it was too soon. “Can I speak now?” she asked, her voice a whisper.
I nodded.
“We married because you felt responsible, and now you feel guilty. Right?”
I nodded again. I was going to turn into a bobblehead soon.
She covered her mouth with her hand and turned away. “I can’t. It’s not enough.” She dropped her head and wouldn’t look at
me.
Not enough? What the fuck? Panic filled my chest and squeezed what was left of my heart. “What do you mean?”
She must have heard the bewilderment in my voice. She glanced at me, and tears sparkled in her eyes.
“Oh no. Please don’t cry, baby.” I’d fucked up again. My big speech about regretting the pain I caused had hurt her more. I had to get out.
I pushed to my feet, placed the glass carefully on the table, and tried to say something sensible. Something to redeem this completely un-fucking-redeemable day. I stared at the ceiling in desperation. “I love you, and I know it’s not enough. I’m sorry. I could tell you that every day, and it still wouldn’t be enough.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to hide the emotions that ran rampant inside me. Failed. “I’m sorry,” I said again.
“Yes,” Kate said. She looked shocked, as if I’d slapped her across the face. “Yes, it is.”
“What is?”
“It’s enough.”
This conversation made no sense. Hell, was I speaking English, or some weird made-up language that existed only inside my head? “I came here, hoping to persuade you to give me a second chance. I fucked up. Didn’t I?
“No, you didn’t.” Kate stood and reached for my hand. Linked our fingers together. “I think we need to start again. Start this conversation again. Please?”
I gazed at her in disbelief. “Go on.”
“The thing I felt was missing was love. It was all about obligation with you. Doing the right thing. At no time did you say you loved me, and I get that. I really do. We hardly knew each other, and suddenly we were married and… all that followed.” Her mouth twisted. “And now you’re back, and it’s the same. You feel guilty and want to make amends, but I need to know you love me, Jordan. That we’re together because we’re in love. It matters.”
Her words rang in my head on auto-repeat. Because we’re in love. “I love you, Kate. I thought you knew.”
“Not really.” She pressed our linked hands against her chest. “In here, maybe, but I need to hear it.”
