by C. J. Abedi
It was a feeling that stayed with me all day. Even though Caroline ended up staying over, and I wanted to enjoy the moment with her, I was distracted. Worried. And fearful.
Nevertheless, we found ourselves lounging on the couch and watching television. Trying to be as normal as possible. I didn’t want anything to ruin it. I asked her a million questions about her childhood. About her stepparents. About her dreams of going to college. The only thing I was surprised by was that she hadn’t given much thought to where she wanted to go to school. I had thought that she would have known since she was a little girl.
We were snuggled up on the couch, watching a documentary on ancient gods on the History Channel.
“So is the Fae race similar to a God race?” she asked as she looked up to see my reaction.
“Some Fae believe and act like they are Gods, and I guess to the humans we would be considered as such because of the powers we possess,” I explained as I traced my fingers up and down her hand. “But in our universe the Gods are the Great Mother Dana, the Fates, Odin, and others.”
“I’ve met Dana and Odin but not the Fates.”
“When did you meet Dana?” I asked in surprise.
Caroline shrugged. “She visited with me a little while after my memory was jogged.”
She was silent, staring down at our hands, not offering more, so I didn’t push. I wouldn’t push her. I wanted her to reveal things to me on her own. When she was ready.
“And so what’s it like?”
“Our world?”
“Yes.”
An image of the Light Kingdom came to my mind as I thought of the place I had once called my home.
“It is the most beautiful place you have ever seen. There are no words really that I can use to describe it. There is light everywhere and a forest that is so plush and vibrant, the colors will literally bring tears to your eyes. The light that shines from the sun in the kingdom is different from the one on earth. It permeates your soul. It gives you a sense of peace and healing. Everything that you come in contact with is pure. We have crystals that vibrate with power, the sound like a sweet call from the heavens. The flowers bloom with love. There is a respect for all that breathes with life. A true paradise.”
“It sounds magical,” Caroline said as she put her cheek down on my chest. “I wonder when I’ll see it.”
“When you’re ready.”
• • •
The day had been nothing like we’d ever experienced together. We shared a closeness that was nothing like our camping trip. Talking without concern for what the other would think or say. An honesty I hadn’t experienced with anyone. In my life I had always held back my true thoughts, but with Caroline, I could just be.
I could be myself.
Without judgment.
And when she looked at me I knew that I was her heart, just as she was mine.
Toward the end of the day, we talked about the upcoming Halloween party at a senior’s house. I had been invited because I was the quarterback on the football team, but I would have only entertained the idea if she was up for it. Caroline immediately lit up, excited to show off the fact that we were together. She insisted on dressing up as a Fae Queen, so naturally I thought if she would go dressed as what she really was, then so would I. The irony would not be lost on anyone, especially my sister or Rowan.
I wondered what her parents would have thought to know that the daughter who lived under their roof was royalty. A queen. She certainly had all of the makings, which came from her blood parents. And she had the sweet kindness that came from the ones Odin chose for her. I envied the relationship she had with them. Caroline shared a closeness with her mother that I never had, and one I craved, even if I said I didn’t. Odin had told me that all I needed to do was call out to her and she would arrive.
What harm could it bring?
I wouldn’t know unless I tried.
And so I did.
Mother.
I waited a few moments, wondering if Odin had been correct. If she was able to appear before me, or pull me to another realm to appear before her. The moments passed, and a sense of urgency grew within me. I wondered if she still wanted to see me. Perhaps I had been wrong.
And then she answered back.
Devilyn. Come to me.
Within a second I could see where she was. Right before my eyes, in a flash. Ireland. On the Hill of Tara. I didn’t hesitate. I went there. To her. After all this time.
She stood across from me on the glen, the sky cloudy, looking as if it would rain at any time. I hadn’t visited the Hill of Tara in years, which was strange considering I had loved it so much as a child.
Now I knew why.
My mother had kept me away.
I looked at her as a stranger would. Breathtaking. Beautiful in a way that was uncommon even among the Fae. It was no wonder my father was so obsessed with her. I tried to harden my heart against the softness I saw on her face, and the tears that were streaming, but it was hard.
“You are so handsome,” she said as she smiled proudly. “Such a gorgeous boy.”
Why had I come here? Why had I called out to her? Caroline. My feelings for her had clouded my better judgment. I couldn’t stay here. There was nothing to say. I turned to leave, but my mom was next to me holding on to my arm in a second. She stopped me with images. Images of me as a baby. Of the love she had for me. Holding me. Singing me to bed. Kissing me softly on my face. Then sobbing endlessly when she was left me. I saw her heartbreak from her decision. The years she had spent alone.
All alone.
Locked in an abyss of memories.
“I would have kept you safe,” I told her.
She leaned forward and kissed me on the arm. I could hear the sorrow in her voice when she spoke.
“You could have, and then your life would have been ruined. You needed Odin. You needed a true father—”
“What I needed was a mother!” I yelled as I turned to face her. “I needed you all those years! I needed to understand why. I needed to know that the part of you that made me, the Light, was so powerful, so pure that it could beat my darkness. Instead, I faced the battle alone. No one held my hand! No one could understand what torture I felt inside. Only a mother.”
She wept in front of me. I knew my words were devastating to her, but I couldn’t help it. She needed to know. Years of pent-up anger and loneliness erupted, and she had to know what was brewing inside me.
“I never meant to abandon you,” she cried. “I only thought I was doing what was right.”
Her body shook with the force of her tears. The sadness that she exuded permeated the air around her. She was a shell of the Fae she was before, and suddenly I was deflated.
“How could you love him?” I asked her even though I knew it was unfair of me.
She smiled through her tears. “If I did not love him, you would not be standing here, Devilyn. How can the sun love the moon? Or the moon love the stars? It just is.”
“Why now?” I asked. “Why are you here now?”
“Because it is time.”
“For what?”
“It has all begun. And it will all end soon,” she said. “Now is the right time. The only time. And know this, despite every thought that tells you otherwise—you are my son, and I love you. You are part of my soul. I see myself in you. I saw love from the moment I looked into your eyes. And I had—”
I couldn’t stop the depth of emotion that came over me at hearing her words.
“And I had to see you at least one more time,” she continued. “I love you, Devilyn. Forever and always.”
I don’t know how it happened. Or who made the first step. But I found myself enveloped in the very arms that I had sworn to hate. Her warmth soothed my soul. Every ounce of her felt so familiar.
She was my mother.
And there would be no other.
Chapter Sixteen
“Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the
streets trying to find you.”
—Hafiz
C
“Caroline.”
I could hear a voice in the distance call out to me.
“Open your eyes, my dear, dear Caroline.”
I felt like I was in a meadow of flowers, wrapped in love. I wanted to stay as I was, relaxing lazily, enjoying the sunny feeling all around my body, but I answered the call and slowly opened my eyes. When I did, the light from the sun practically blinded me.
Only I wasn’t in my bed, or my house. I had gone to bed and fallen asleep easily. I never remembered waking up. And I never remember leaving. But here I was, back to the most familiar place I had known.
The Elizabethan Gardens.
Even though I knew it had to be some sort of dream or alternate universe, it didn’t feel like it.
It felt so real.
I sat up and looked around. I was lying right in front of the statue of Virginia Dare, and I was all alone.
“Who’s there?” I called out.
“I am.”
I looked up and watched as the statue began to move and change into a human form. Virginia Dare’s stone face went from its perpetual gaze of staring out straight at the horizon to staring directly at me, the smooth stone morphing into what was an almost human figure. Within a second her eyes turned from cold and lifeless to a crystal, human gray.
Eerily similar to my own.
I slowly stood and stared up at her face in awe.
“Do I know you?”
“Who is it that you believe me to be?”
“Are you my grandmother?”
She smiled in pleasure as she bent down toward me. “Yes, my love, I am.”
The garden seemed so vibrant. The colors were so bright they couldn’t be from this world, reminding me of the conversation I had had with Devilyn. It had to be some sort of magik.
“How is this possible? How can you even be talking to me? Aren’t you—” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.
“No more? My human body has been gone from this earth for a very long time. So I am no more in the physical sense. But my soul roamed the lands, waiting for my beloved, Arthur, your grandfather, to finally be released. And now he is.”
“Is he here, too? My grandfather?” I asked as I looked around the garden, anxiously hoping to see him. I remembered his face from the last time I saw him, then a prisoner, trying desperately to save me and remove any fear I had. But he couldn’t. He was a broken man. I had never seen such defeat before.
“Your grandfather is not here,” she told me. “I came alone. His anger is all too powerful now.”
“He hates Devilyn?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“There is no love lost. But what upsets him more than anything is what will come of you if you follow this path.” Her voice suddenly changed and sadness overtook her.
“But how can he feel that way?” I said. “He should know, above all, about love. And I love Devilyn.”
“Dear child, you come before anyone. You must always love yourself more.”
She waved her hand in the air, releasing a strange kind of light before I saw fleeting images of the destruction Alderon brought to The Lost Colony.
“Why are you showing me this?” I was horrified. The death and horror the people from The Lost Colony faced were too much to bear, and I almost had to look away.
“I show you a chain of events that began a long time ago, that led us to this very moment,” she said. “If Devilyn doesn’t kill you, rest assured, his father will. That is your great destiny. It was written in Voynich a long, long time ago by the Fates.”
Her face was etched with anguish, and I knew it couldn’t be easy for her to have this conversation with me. I hated that this was the first conversation we were having. The very first time we spoke. It was staggering to hear her say these things.
I took a step back away from her.
“I don-don’t understand,” I stuttered as I tried to figure out why she was even sharing this with me. What good would it do for me to know this now?
“I don’t have much time, Caroline. And unfortunately, I cannot sweeten the message I am about to give you.”
My stomach sunk in dread.
“Your destiny is to live a short life,” she continued. “There is no way around it. The Fates do not change what is written and what they have deemed to be. Arthur’s own existence is a testament to that.”
The enormity of her words hit me hard.
So what was she saying? My destiny was to die young?
“So why did Devilyn fight so hard to stay away from me when the end can’t be changed?” My voice sounded small. “What was the point of him keeping his distance?”
“I don’t know what or how much he is aware of,” she went on. “He believed that by denying his feelings, your feelings, he could keep you safe. Or at least safe from him. And then, I’m sure he believed he could deal with his father.”
I felt as though my legs couldn’t hold my body up any longer. I sunk to the ground and held on to the grass, the dirt, anything tangible. Tears threatened to spill, but I tried to remain strong and took deep breaths as it all sunk in.
“Why are you telling me this?” I finally asked my grandmother.
“I tell you so that you will know,” she replied. “I tell you so that you will fight. Not against Alderon or Devilyn. They will take care of each other. But against the Fates.”
“The Fates?”
I watched as her body moved back to its previous position and her face began to change back to stone.
“But I thought no one could speak to them?” I asked her quickly, knowing my time was almost up.
“The Light Queen can.”
• • •
I couldn’t shake the feeling of hopelessness that had fallen over me. My grandmother’s words would never leave me. How could I move forward when there was nothing to move forward to? I had been given a glimpse of my future. One minute I had been on top of the world, and now I was back in the pits. I didn’t even know how long I had left. It was like having a terminal illness but having nowhere to go.
No doctor.
No potential cure.
No hope.
Not even a diagnosis.
Just a cryptic puzzle to decipher and no time to solve it. I was staring out of my bedroom window thinking about all the impending possibilities that faced me.
Famous growled beside me, and I looked down to see him sitting on his hind legs staring up at me with that soulful look of his. He looked serious.
“What are we going to do?” I asked as I leaned down and lifted him into my arms.
He nuzzled his head into my chest and gave me a dose of affection I desperately needed.
“You don’t know either, do you?”
I didn’t expect him to answer.
The chimes on my phone went off, and I reached into my pocket to grab it to see who was texting me.
TEDDY: What are you doing?
CAROLINE: Nothing.
TEDDY: Wanna go grab a bite? Ice cream?
I thought about it for half a second. Teddy was the perfect antidote for my pain right now. He would take my mind off this craziness.
CAROLINE: Are you picking me up?
TEDDY: Obviously.
Famous barked at me.
“Of course I’ll ask,” I told him.
CAROLINE: Can I bring Famous?
TEDDY: My nephew? He’s always invited.
I laughed. I guess if I was Famous’s mom, Teddy was definitely his uncle.
CAROLINE: All right. Pick me up in ten.
Twenty minutes later we were at Olde Towne Creamery, a favorite of ours, and I was beyond grateful to Teddy for the suggestion. Ice cream always made me feel better. We sat at a table outside, and for once I appreciated the chill. The cool air took some of the burning pain away from what my grandmother had just revealed to me.
“What’s going on with you?” Teddy asked as he leaned back in his chair
and put a spoonful of sundae in his mouth.
“Nothing,” I lied. “I’m totally fine.”
“Nope. Not getting away with that answer.” Teddy shook his head. “You’ve been acting so weird since the camping trip. At first I figured it was a Devilyn thing, but now it seems like something else. You feel different to me.”
“I feel different?” I tried to laugh off his comment.
Teddy nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah. You feel more mature almost, but sad.”
He rarely missed anything with me. But I guess it worked both ways.
“What are you, psychic or something?” I asked after a moment. I was mulling over what I could possibly tell him.
“No, I just know you. Actually, that’s why we’re here. I wanted to see what was going on with you.”
“You’re an amazing friend. And you’re right—a lot is going on. I don’t want to talk about it all, but there’s stuff with Devilyn—”
“Are you guys official?” Teddy interrupted.
“Official?”
“Yeah, dating?”
“I guess you’d call it that,” I admitted nervously. “He’s … I’m his … we’re … boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“Holy cow!” Teddy’s mouth was hanging open. “That’s so fast! I knew it! I knew he liked you.”
I rolled my eyes.
“So you should be happy!”
“I am happy about that,” I answered quickly.
“Then what’s with the sad eyes?”
Oh, I don’t know. I just found out my life expectancy isn’t that long.
“I’m adopted,” I blurted out instead.
Teddy’s jaw dropped again.
“My parents don’t know I found out. But I am, and I guess it’s not a surprise, considering my mom and I are so different, but it’s seriously insane.”
“My mom and I are nothing alike, either. Maybe I’m adopted, too.” Teddy tried and succeeded in making me laugh.
“This is huge,” he said. “Tell me how you found out.”
I spent the next forty-five minutes giving Teddy a much-edited version of the story. I swore him to secrecy and I knew he’d never betray my trust. At least it was one thing I could share with him. It felt like a little bit of the weight resting on my chest had been lifted. Even if it wasn’t what was really occupying my mind, it was still nice to talk to someone.
