“Sorry, Kevin, can you answer with a yes or no.”
“I, uh. Yes, but no. I was a kid. I didn’t want to. My friend made me, we had a pellet gun. It was a small rabbit. I don’t know if I … I don’t know if I hit it.”
“That’s okay, Kevin. We can move on to our next set of questions.”
The pain in Kevin’s stomach was beginning to deafen him.
“Did you ever make any unwanted sexual advances toward a fellow employee?”
Kevin leaned forward holding his stomach. He rushed out of the room without responding.
///
Kevin lay on the bathroom floor for over an hour. After the pain subsided, he sat on the toilet and imagined he was in a cabin, deep in the forest. The cabin was small, but it was filled with soymilk and a treadmill that didn’t click when he ran on it, and there was that guy, telling him how nice his shorts were. Kevin asked him, “Do you really like my shorts?”
Brodude: “Yeah, man, those shorts are super rad.”
Kevin: “Even the way I folded them up twice?”
Brodude: “They make you look incredibly sexy and relaxed.”
Kevin: “What about me?”
Brodude: “You are so relaxed and chill. I am totally straight, but when I’m around you, I’m very, very gay.”
There was a heavy knock on the door.
“Kevin, are you okay? Everyone is worried that you passed out.”
It was Stevie. Kevin slowly crept up off the floor to open the door.
“What do you want?” Kevin asked.
“Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Right, except for reporting me to the managers.”
“I never told them about the emails. Any email with swearwords is automatically sent to head office.”
He didn’t trust Stevie. He knew what a bitch she could be. Stevie was out to get him. He knew it. He remembered all the times she didn’t respond to his questions.
///
The managers left Kevin alone for the next couple of days, but he knew they would be letting him go. He took more coffee breaks than normal, lurking around the coffee shop to see if Brodude would be there. He was working through the plan. He would go up to him and curtly say, “Nice shorts, bro.” He would be really cold about it. Just “Nice shorts bro” and then walk away, as if it meant nothing. It was sooner than he expected when Brodude walked up to him at the coffee shop and said hello. All Kevin could do was mumble, “Nice shorts bro.”
“Sorry, what?”
“Nothing.” Kevin went quiet.
“No, you said something. I just couldn’t hear you.”
“I just, I was saying, I was wearing shorts one day.”
“Sorry, what?”
“Sometimes I wear shorts, and they’re nice, I guess.”
“Oh, yeah, you had those nice shorts.”
“You remember?”
“Yeah, they were yellow or something?”
“Blue.”
“Right, blue! Plus your legs looked really good in them.”
“Oh.” Kevin looked at the ground.
“This is probably weird, and I’m not even sure if you’re gay, but if you are, would you want to go grab a drink some time?”
Kevin stared blankly for what felt like several minutes. He slowly let a “yes” slip out of his mouth.
“Cool. Well, I’m off work later, so catch me then and we can go from there.”
Kevin nodded without being able to get a word out. His latte was put on the counter. Kevin grabbed the latte, took a sip, and tasted the dairy. He felt something bubble up inside him that he’d never felt before.
Click.
“I am lactose intolerant. I am fucking lactose intolerant! This makes me instantly shit!” He threw the coffee against the window. The moment the cup left his hands, his rage dissipated. He looked over to Brodude, then ran back toward the office. He sat back in his chair and took deep breaths. There was a post-it note on his screen with “goodbye” and a sad face written on it. He ripped it off in a rage, then began to type.
To whom it may concern:
It pains me to report that I will no longer be working here. I don’t feel safe here. I don’t feel respected. I work VERY hard, and I can tell you all want me to go.
Kevin
Kevin turned off his computer. He ran past the desks, noticing brightly coloured post-it notes on all of the computer screens. He imagined that all of the notes said something terrible about him. Each one would reveal his secrets. Each flashed in his head. Click. The moments collapsed on him. Click. He thought of the dead rabbit. Click. He followed the post-it notes into the copy room. Hundreds of pages had come out of the copier. “I feel weird” was typed on each page. He collapsed to the ground.
“Kevin, are you okay?” He could hear Stevie behind him.
“I feel weird,” he replied.
///
The door opened; he could hear the lock click afterward. The familiar sound of thick, hard boots dampened by carpet as they came up the steps. His bedroom door opened. He felt nails scratch hard down his back.
“What do you want me to do with these little blue shorts?”
“I need you to rip them off me.”
DATE: HARLEYQUEEN
Ryan walked him home; it was pouring rain and both of them had forgotten an umbrella. HarleyQueen invited him in, and they sat on two small sofas. HarleyQueen poured them water, and Ryan gulped it down, hoping it would sober him up. Ryan looked around and noticed all of the comic-book character figurines.
“You like comic books?”
HarleyQueen laughed. “Yeah, obviously.”
Ryan got up to look at one of the display cases; it had figurines of a female character wearing a jester outfit and a wide smile. “Who is this?”
“Oh, that’s Harley Quinn.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of her before. Is she some sort of superhero?”
“Well, yes and no.”
HarleyQueen motioned for Ryan to sit on the sofa with him. It was too small for both of them, so Ryan was forced to sit on his lap. The warmth of HarleyQueen’s body made him feel at ease and a little sleepy.
“Harley is most famous for being Joker’s girlfriend, but I really like the character. She was originally an intern at the insane asylum that Joker was in, and she became his psychiatrist. She quickly falls in love with him because he’s actually really charming. He’s really manipulative, too, so she becomes infatuated with him and helps him escape. Then it becomes clear that he’s just using her, and so she goes insane.”
Ryan’s head was now lying in HarleyQueen’s lap. He was having trouble breathing, and tears were quickly welling up. He asked HarleyQueen for another glass of water. While he was in the kitchen, Ryan wiped away the tears and calmed down with his breathing techniques. HarleyQueen was smiling when he came back; he leaned over and kissed Ryan. The two were pressed against the small couch. As Ryan began to pull his clothes off and they continued to kiss, HarleyQueen pushed back hard and aggressively. Ryan felt the room shake. They moved off the couch and slammed against a wall. He could see and hear picture frames dropping to the floor. Ryan felt someone else grip his neck, but the room was empty except for the two of them. His rage made him focus harder on HarleyQueen. He pushed his hands down his pants and in that moment, he experienced a wave a pleasure rise in him. The furniture was floating, the doors and cabinet doors were slamming open and closed, and comic books were flying off the shelves.
“Stop!” HarleyQueen pushed Ryan back. He looked around the room, now covered in comic books and strewn clothing. “I should be good. You need to go.”
Ryan stared at him awkwardly but nodded.
“Quickly. You have to leave right away. I’m sorry.”
Ryan looked outside and noticed the downpour. He looked back as the door closed on him and walked into the rain.
THE BREAK
We see a blurry shot of a man with his head down; he is crying. The image
flips and there is a flash of Jacob crying as well. The scene changes—it’s Jacob walking down Church Street with papers in his hand, while soft indie rock plays as the soundtrack. Jacob enters a small bar, and a few friends wave at him. He turns to the camera, laughs, and pushes it away from him. The screen fades to white and opens over a Los Angeles street with palm trees and muscle men working out on a beach. The screen fades to white and the words, “The Break” appear. The screen again fades to white.
Jacob enters a small apartment with white furniture, overlooking a beach. Palm trees are seen in the distance from the window.
“So, they brought me to L.A. to do some auditions. This is the first time I’ve been to L.A. for work. My agent has been booking me auditions steadily since my video went viral on YouTube. We’re here for pilot week, and today is a big day for that. I am in auditions all week long, so I better get ready because I really have a good feeling about this.”
The camera spins rapidly away and spins back to Jacob sitting in the back of a car, going over his lines. He mumbles to himself, then looks at the camera, smiles nervously, then continues to whisper lines to himself. The camera spins again to show him sitting in an audition waiting room where there are several handsome men in tight shirts that reveal their muscles. Jacob is considerably smaller than the other men.
“Guess I better get back to the gym,” Jacob laughs. He continues to look over his lines and shakes his hands out, nervously. He shakes them out over and over again and begins to pace back and forth.
Fade to white.
Jacob is sitting in a cab, wiping sweat from his forehead. “So, I think I did really well at that audition. I’ve always been very good at auditions, but I can guess that I won’t get the part. They were looking for someone much bigger than me, but that’s okay. I’m not meant to get those parts. I’ll need time to bulk up like that, and I’m not even sure if I want to. Like, maybe I am just not that kind of guy, maybe that’s not my brand.”
Palm trees speed by as the sun flickers through them.
Jacob is now walking into an office with his agent. She has long black hair; it reaches all the way down her back and is coloured with pastel-blue streaks. Her suit is grey, and the sound of her heels overwhelms the office as they step up to the receptionist. Then we hear Jacob’s voiceover: “They had a special surprise for me. I actually have a role already settled today, so we are quickly going into the sound room for that. We’ll be recording my voice for a commercial. I play a wrench who is helping to fix a car. It’s very cute. It’ll be my first commercial since that tragic marshmallow commercial I did a couple years ago.”
Cut to a slightly younger Jacob slamming marshmallow after marshmallow into his mouth. Camera cuts back to Jacob with an irritated look on his face. “Please do not play that commercial for the show.” Off-camera, we hear the agent and the producer laugh.
The camera follows Jacob and his agent into a recording room. A bearded older man sits behind the control board. He asks Jacob to try to make his best “wrench” voice. Jacob tries several voices, but the guy in the sound booth shakes his head at each one. After several attempts, Jacob uses his normal voice and improvises statements: “I’m a wrench, so let me grip your nuts!” The room erupts in laughter.
The camera quickly scans over palm trees. The sun sets at an accelerated pace, the moon rises quickly, and the street lights turn on. Jacob is putting on a collared shirt and gelling his hair. “I figure, since I haven’t gone out yet, it would be cool to see what the nightlife is here in L.A. I’d love to go out and have some drinks, and my agent has invited over some of her friends who I might get along with.” There is the sound of knocking at the door. “Well, how’s that for timing?” Jacob looks in the mirror, fixes a strand of hair, and walks into the living room. The agent opens the door. Some of the men who come in are those who tried out for the audition, and Jacob laughs in recognition. He greets each man, and they exchange names. The agent and her friends sit on a long white leather couch that stretches the length of the room. They’re drinking a lot, and Jacob hands out shots. They all take a shot.
The camera focuses in close on Jacob and a blond man talking. “So, what do you do?” Jacob asks.
“I work in modelling. I’ve been trying to switch into acting, but it’s not been an easy transition.”
“Cool,” Jacob smiles and touches the man’s arm. Jacob stands up and speaks loudly to everyone in the room. “There’s a limo outside waiting for us—should we head out on the town?” The men all cheer and take a shot before they pour out of the apartment and pack into the limo.
The camera spins over a night club scene; it’s too loud for conversation, and the men have all split up. Jacob is sitting alone on a plush couch. A server comes by. The words “Do you want another drink?” appear onscreen. The sound of music makes it impossible to hear his response. The server walks away.
A few women dance in front of him. The server returns with his drink, and Jacob downs it fast. The server comes back and he nods. Another drink is placed on the table next to him.
The scene changes to Jacob dancing with strangers, slowly grinding against someone who looks uncomfortable, then walks away. He goes to the bar, orders a shot. He takes the shot with the bartender.
The scene changes to later in the night. Jacob is dancing on stage next to a go-go boy dancer who’s trying to push him off the stage.
The camera follows Jacob as he suddenly leaves the bar. He yells at the producer to turn the camera off, then runs behind a large garbage container. The producer walks into the shot. The conversation is muffled. The words “I don’t want to do this anymore” appear on the screen.
Producer: “Let’s just get you home.”
Jacob: “I want to go home.”
Producer: “You just drank too much.”
Jacob: “No, I f***ing want to go home.”
The scene fades to white.
The scene opens on Jacob’s apartment. His clothes are scattered around the room. Wearing only his underwear, Jacob lies on his bed. His voice is heard: “So, I probably had too much to drink last night, and I talked to the producers. We worked everything out. I can sometimes be a total drama queen. But I just need to get myself together today because I have a few more auditions for pilot season. But more exciting than that, my agent has also decided to set me up on a couple of dates! I haven’t really been dating lately because I have been so focused on my career, but I figure this would be a nice way to break up my day full of auditions. My first date is with Kieran, the nice blond guy I met last night, and I couldn’t be more excited.”
The scene spins to a coffee shop. Kieran is sitting with a coffee. Jacob walks up and gives Kieran a hug. The scene awkwardly cuts to mid-conversation.
“What happened last night?” Kieran asks.
“Oh, I drank a little too much. Where did you head off to?”
“I had an early audition, so I had to leave early.”
The camera focuses in on Jacob’s hands; he’s clutching his fingers tightly in one of his palms.
“So, Kieran, what brought you to Hollywood?”
“I was working in New York. I’d been modelling for some time. My family grew up in Brooklyn, so I wasn’t far away from home at all. Well, about a couple years ago I came out to my family. My mom took it really bad and my father stopped talking to me.” Light but somber music begins to play. “My mom was always my number-one fan, and she told me I could do anything I wanted. I realized that I wanted to get into acting and not just model, so I booked a flight, sold all of my belongings, and came here. My mom still keeps in touch, and we’re doing better now. My dad still hasn’t really talked to me since.”
Jacob reaches for Kieran’s hand and the camera zooms in on their clasped hands. Kieran wipes away tears from his left eye, then perks up. “So, what brought you to L.A.?”
Jacob smiles. “I’ve been acting in Canada for so long and really hit a glass ceiling, so my agent thought it would be great to send
me to L.A. You know, after my YouTube video went viral.”
“That’s right!” Kieran laughs excitedly. “I remember watching that video all the time. It was totally crazy. Rumours are going around that it’s fake.”
“I mean, it was a little set-up, I guess. But mostly real.”
“That’s f------ wild. I mean, I could never do that, but you really went for it, and it totally paid off.”
Jacob and Kieran continue to talk and indie-rock music plays over the scene until the two get up and walk outside. They hug and wave goodbye.
“We should do this again,” Kieran says.
The scene spins quickly to Jacob in a cab. “I’m really happy about that date. Kieran seems like a really nice and cool guy, and it was cool that he could talk about his mother with me. I really respect that.” Jacob looks out the window.
The scene cuts to an office building. Jacob says in voiceover: “I’m stopping by a quick audition for a new show about teenagers who’ve just graduated high school. I’m pretty hopeful about this one because I think I can really pull off a teenager—I’ve always had a youthful look.” The camera spins away and back to show Jacob walk out of the office building and give the camera a thumbs up.
The camera pans over Los Angeles and cuts back to Jacob’s apartment. Jacob is dressing up. “There is apparently one more surprise for me tonight. I have had such a full day of work, and I had a great time with Kieran, so I’m a little exhausted, but I can’t wait to see who I get to meet for dinner. It’s a special blind date.” Kieran looks at the mirror one last time and then walks toward the apartment door.
The camera cuts to a small restaurant. Jacob is rubbing his arms. He looks at the menu and looks at the front entrance. He does this several times until Dave is seen outside, walking up to the restaurant. Dave walks through the restaurant and sits at Jacob’s table. Jacob appears uncomfortable; he continues to rub his hands and arms under the table. He looks at the camera, then just past the camera, and mouths the words “what the fuck?”
Everything Is Awful and You're a Terrible Person Page 10
