I longed to feel clean and to sleep in a real bed after months spent passing barely restful nights on a pallet made of quilts I brought from home. I was beginning to loosen my dress, ready to prepare myself for bed even though it was still only afternoon, when I heard knocking on the door.
"It is Hannah," a voice called through the door.
"Please come in," I said.
The door opened and she came in with a large bucket of water. I could see steam rising off of it and I gave an involuntary sigh.
"Thank you so much," I said before she could even explain the water.
"I remember how desperately I wanted a bath when I first arrived. Supper will be served in the dining room in two hours." She turned to the door and then back to me, "When will you be meeting Mr. Gaines?"
"He will be meeting me here for breakfast in the morning."
Hannah smiled and nodded, the look in her eyes knowing in some way that I couldn't quite place.
Chapter 8
August 1863
Dear Diary,
It is my first night in Bannack. I hesitate to admit this, but I am not homesick. I thought that I would be so lonely and want so much to be back home in the same house where I have lived my entire life, but as I sit here overlooking the main street listening the sounds of the summer night, I realize that I am so happy to be here.
Of course, I miss my family, especially Lily, but there is something so tremendously freeing about being completely on my own for the first night in my life. Even during the journey here, I was surrounded by the people on the wagon train. There was never a moment of privacy or of quiet. Now I am in this beautiful room by myself and I can breathe.
I look forward to meeting Chad tomorrow morning. It still seems odd to refer to him that way. At home, I have heard even wives refer to their husbands by their formal titles. I have never even met this man and already he insists that I call him by his given name. I have to confess that as unusual as it feels, I like it. It feels far more comfortable. I may not love my future husband, but at least this way I can feel that we are friends.
Emily
Chapter 9
"Emily?"
I looked up from the newspaper spread across the table in front of me and saw a smile that made my heart skip a beat.
"Good morning," I said, not knowing if I should stand or stay where I was.
I was just starting to get out of my seat when he came around to sit across from me.
"I am so happy that you are finally here. I was worried when the wagon train was late."
"I would have written if I thought that the letter would have gotten here before I did."
Chad laughed and I felt myself relax. Part of me had worried that the man who I had started to get to know through our letters would not be the man who I would meet when I arrived.
"Good morning, Emily," Hannah said as she walked up to the table.
I looked up at her and smiled.
"Good morning, Hannah."
"Did you sleep well?"
"Incredibly. Thank you so much."
She smiled, and then her eyes fell on the newspaper.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was still sitting here. Let me take it for you."
I put my hand in the middle of the paper and shook my head.
"Actually, if it is alright with you, I would like to keep it. I haven't quite finished reading it yet."
I saw Chad look at me suddenly, but I couldn't quite decipher the expression in his eyes.
"Anything interesting?" he asked when Hannah left the table to go back into the kitchen and get our breakfasts.
"Well, there are a few interesting things about this new sheriff of yours," I told him, thinking of the rather scathing editorial I had read about Plummer and the less than exemplary behavior he had been demonstrating even before his election.
Before he could respond, Hannah returned and placed plates in front of each of us. We fell into a gradual conversation, offering small bits of information about ourselves and our lives leading up to this moment.
By the time we finished eating, I felt comfortable enough to take Chad's hand when he offered it to me. We walked out of the hotel and into the sun flooding the main street. I looped my arm through his and allowed him to guide me along the elevated walkway that ran in front of the stores and buildings on either side of the street.
I listened as he described each of the businesses and their owners to me as if he was introducing me to the town that was now my home.
"This is my store," he said, pausing in front of a large store with a curved display window that had his name painted on the glass.
"Shouldn't you be working in there rather than taking a walk with me?" I teased.
"I have a clerk," he said, pulling me slightly closer, "and I do not think that there is anything else that I should be doing right now."
I couldn't help but smile at his words. They were perfectly chosen, but they didn't have the appeasing, cajoling tone that they would have had if they had been spoken by Edmond or by any of the young gentlemen who I had known back home. Those men always spoke in a way that always seemed like they were trying to say more than the words actually meant, and they never felt genuine. When Chad spoke, however, it felt completely honest.
I held his arm more tightly and walked along comfortably, feeling confident and validated that this was, in fact, the path that I was meant to take.
Chapter 10
September 1863
Dear Diary,
I do not even know how to begin to understand what just happened. What was meant to be one of the most important days of my life changed to one of the most painful and confusing—so quickly that I am still reeling.
I have been in Bannack for just ten days and today was meant to be my wedding day. Though it would have been nowhere near as elaborate or impressive as the wedding that my parents would have thrown for me at home had I stayed and married Edmond, it would nonetheless be the start of my marriage and I was feeling genuinely excited about it.
In the days since I arrived, Chad and I have spent a considerable amount of time together getting to know one another and forming a relationship that convinced me that our marriage would be successful and happy. Even though I already knew that it was coming, when he formally proposed, I was delighted. I felt so blessed to have found a man who I am compatible with and who I can see myself becoming quite fond of through the years.
Last night was meant to be my final night at the hotel. We planned to meet this morning for breakfast and then go to a little place right outside of town with the preacher so that we could marry. There were three other couples waiting for the preacher to return from his rounds so that they could also get married, so it would have to be a quick event, but that did not matter so much to me.
It was after breakfast, however, that the day fell apart. We were walking through town, ready to meet the carriage that would bring us to the ceremony, when I happened to look up and see Chad's grocery store.
"It is such a perfect place for your store," I told him happily, starting to feel proud of this man who would soon be my husband, "I can only hope that I find a place just as perfect for the school."
Chad stopped walking and pulled away from me at that moment.
"School?" he asked with the same strange expression he had carried when he first saw me reading the newspaper.
"Yes," I said, not sure of what was happening. "I came out here to start a school and to be a teacher. I told you that in my letters."
"I thought you came out here to marry me," he said, the anger in his voice so uncharacteristic that it made me take a step back away from him.
"Getting married was the only way that I would be able to come out here."
"So I am just a pawn."
"No, Chad," I said, feeling more nervous by the minute, "I am very, very glad that I found your advertisement."
"But you would have responded to anyone who suited you wanting to get out here and teac
h."
That angered me and I felt my spine straighten defensively.
"Just as you would have corresponded with any woman who suited you wanting a woman to come out here and marry you. It did not matter that it was me."
"But it was you, you are here now, and there is no need for you to start this school. I can take care of you just fine with the store."
"It isn't about the money, Chad," I said, trying to lower my voice so that the people who were milling around us and obviously trying to listen to our conversation would leave, "I want to teach the children. Education is important and I want to be a teacher."
He stared at me for a long, tense moment, and then walked away, stomping down the walkway and disappearing into the store. I have never felt as alone as I did in that moment. I did not know what else to do, so I simply crossed the street and went back to the hotel. Now I am sitting here, my tears blurring the words on the page, and I am still unsure of what I should do next. What could have happened? How did he change so quickly and what does it mean for my future in Bannack?
Emily
Chapter 11
I remained in my hotel room for the rest of the day after my argument with Chad. I didn't go down to the dining room for lunch or dinner, and the next morning I heard Hannah's voice coming to me through the door.
"Emily?" she called, "May I come in?"
"Yes," I called back, resigned that I could not stay alone in that room forever.
She walked in carrying a plate of food and placed it on the small table beside me.
"I have been worried about you," she told me. "Do you want to talk?"
In all honesty, I didn't want to talk to her, but when I looked into her eyes, I suddenly remembered Charlotte and how I had told her to remember that what she was doing was very brave. I had seen her several times in the days since our arrival, and though I knew she was not having an easy time with her new husband, each time she looked into my eyes I could see that she was doing all that she could to heed my advice. Now I felt that it was my turn to do the same.
I broke a piece off of the cold biscuit on the plate and gestured for Hannah to sit down. As I told her what happened, she listened silently, nodding occasionally, seeming to think deeply about the situation. Finally, I stopped talking and she let out a soft sigh.
"I do not know what he was thinking, but what I can tell you is this. If I have learned anything from my journey here and my time in Bannack, I have learned that things happen that we do not understand, and that men are often at their angriest when they are afraid."
Before I was able to respond, there was another soft knock on the door.
"Miss Barlow? Hannah?"
"Come in," Hannah called and the hotel owner came into the room.
I saw a flicker of affection in Hannah's eyes and wondered as I had many times what was happening between them. I hoped that soon I would be able to ask her about her journey to Bannack and her time here.
"Chad Gaines is downstairs and he is asking to speak with you, Miss Barlow."
I glanced over at Hannah and she nodded at me. I was nervous to walk down those stairs and see him. I didn't know what to say to him, or what else he may have to say to me. Perhaps he was coming to tell me that this arrangement was not going to work out and that he thought that I should go back home in the spring.
My jaw tightened at that thought and I squared my shoulders in preparation of the conversation. If that was what he had to say to me, then he was going to be sorely disappointed. I had come out here for a reason, and he was not going to make me leave. Even if I had to figure out life in Bannack on my own, I would start a school and be a teacher. I had not allowed my father to stop me from coming out here, and I would not allow Chad to stop me from staying.
"Hello, Emily," Chad said as I approached.
"Good morning."
"May we take a walk?"
"I don't know. Our last walk was not a pleasant experience."
"I know. Please, just come with me."
I nodded my agreement and we walked out of the hotel together. I was not holding his arm as I had during all of our other walks, and I could feel the sense of distance between us.
"I want you to know that I am not going to give up on wanting to start a school," I started.
"Emily, I am sorry for the things that I said to you yesterday and for walking away from you," he said at the same time.
"Go ahead," I said quietly, wanting to hear more of what he had to say.
"I did not mean to treat you that way. It simply surprised me when you mentioned starting the school."
"I don't understand why it would surprise you. I mentioned it to you in the first letter that I wrote to you. I told you that was why I wanted to come out to the Frontier. You even made a point of telling me that there are no schools in Bannack, but that there are children who are in need of an education."
Chad lowered his eyes and I could see his hands flexing and relaxing as if he was trying to work his way up to telling me something. He didn't say anything else, but led me into a blacksmith shop at the end of the road.
"Hello, Chad," the blacksmith said from behind his roaring oven.
"Hello, George. Do you have those horseshoes for me?"
"I do." George came around to the front of the shop and gestured toward a box on the table, "If you could just put your mark on the receipt."
Chad glanced over at me and then back to George. I watched as he uncertainly took the pencil George offered and made a coarse "X" on the line at the bottom of the page.
"Thank you," George said, obviously unconcerned by the gesture that impacted me so deeply I felt like I couldn't breathe, "You have a good rest of your day."
"You cannot write," I said as Chad took the box under his arm and started toward the door.
I could see George looking at us from the back of the shop, the look on his face saying that he had heard the rumors swirling about us and he wanted to get a little more insight into the incident so he would have something to share over a couple of pints of beer at the saloon that night. More delicate ladies would have been embarrassed, but I was simply frustrated and shocked. I glared at the grimy blacksmith until he turned away, and then looked back at Chad.
Chad was already walking out of the shop and I rushed after him.
"You cannot write," I repeated, stepping up to walk beside him.
"I know," he said gruffly, not looking at me.
"Then how…"
"I had a friend read your letters to me and then write down what I wanted to say. Apparently, he took some liberties that I didn't know about."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was going to," he said, "but I really started to care for you through those letters, and then when I saw you reading the newspaper…" he paused, turning toward me, "it reminded me of how intelligent you are and it made me worry that you would not want to marry a man who never learned to read or write."
"How do you run your store if you cannot write orders or read the labels?"
"I know my numbers and I can recognize some words. The rest I either figure out or have the clerk help me. I get by."
"I wish you had told me," I said, feeling a rush of emotion wash over me.
Hannah had been right. Chad was afraid.
"Why?" he said, suddenly starting to walk again, "So that you could have decided not to come out here? So that you could have looked for another advertisement from some other man in some other town?"
I reached out and took Chad by his shoulder so that he would stop and look at me. I could see the pain and embarrassment in his eyes and I shook my head, reaching up to brush a strand of his hair away from his cheek.
"No," I said, feeling the affection for him welling up inside me, "because I can teach you."
Chapter 12
December 1863
Dear Diary,
It has been one year since I made the decision to come out West to start a school. When I told you about my decision and shared
that I believed it was the Lord's will for me, I could not have imagined what He truly had planned for me.
I thought my purpose would be to find a man who was nice enough to marry, but that I would devote my life to enriching my students’ lives. I would not have believed it would be that man to whom I would devote my life, and that it would be through him that I would truly learn the joy of teaching. Rather than it being my teaching enriching the lives of the children of Bannack, it has been Chad who has enriched everything about my life.
When I discovered it was his inability to read or write, and the fear that it created in him, my heart broke. It was not until later that I realized it was not just breaking for the difficulties he had faced throughout life, but for him and how close I had come to no longer having him in my life.
Since then, he and I have spent our time continuing to get to know each other with a greater sense of honesty. He has apologized again and again for his deception about the letters, even though I have long since forgiven him.
His reading and writing are coming along very nicely. It is amazing to watch his excitement as the concepts form in his mind and he is able to master them. It is not like the children who I taught on the wagon train. This is not molding a young mind, but rather feeding an intelligent and eager mind that continues to grow and build with each day. There is a sense about him now that is more confident and strong.
Chad and I have not talked about marriage again. My parents sent me with more than enough money to continue paying for my time in the hotel, but it is getting lonely. I do not care how the people look at me, or about the things they might say. None of them are true anyway. I do care about how much I miss Chad when we are apart.
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