by Nikki Attree
So there he is, idly scrolling through the magazine, when something on the screen catches his eye. “What the f... I don’t believe this!” he thinks, sitting bolt upright in his chair. But there she is. Staring out at him from the ‘Celebrity Pets’ page: the woman with the big house in Hampstead. And there it is, behind her in the picture: the very same house that he’s spent the past couple of weeks gazing at, through a hole in her hedge.
And it’s not just her in the photo. The dog is in her arms, looking smugly at the camera almost as if it’s mocking him. Actually, thinks Jack, they’re both looking smugly at the camera, confident of their absolute right to be there, and challenging the very audacity of The Lad’s Cunning Plan.
The caption reads: ‘Executive producer, Elizabeth Parker-Smyth, at home in Hampstead with Doodle.’
He reads on and discovers that she’s not only rich, but clearly some kind of minor media celebrity. The article explains how her house was featured on Channel Four’s ‘Grand Designs’ just as her career as a film producer was taking off. Now, at the age of forty, with several BAFTA’s to her name, she is very much the happening face at Cutting Edge Films, and constantly in demand.
‘I’m taking a bit of time out to consider the options for our next project’ Jack reads, ‘and while I do, I’m hoping to spend some quality time with my daughter, and the new member of our little family: Doodle.’
A snort of laughter escapes from Jack as he reads how Elizabeth and her snotty teenage daughter have always loved dogs, and how Doodle is “very much part of our little family.” He thinks about how the dog is left alone in the house for hours; and how Cheryl, the bimbo they pay to take it for walks, treats the dog. He’s more inclined to believe the bit in the magazine about Doodle being a ‘designer dog’, and perfectly suited to Elizabeth’s ‘high profile lifestyle’.
He prints out the ‘Celebrity Pets’ page. Surely Harry will be convinced now. All Jack has to do is to show it to his partner, along with the photo of the dog and the house that he snapped on his phone. Even Harry can put two and two together when it involves making some dosh. All those hours of surveillance will be worth it. This might just be their Big Break.
4 ANNIE’S TALE
Annie never did show up in the internet cafe that Sunday, but a few days later they arranged to see a film together. It wasn’t really meant to be a date, more like two friends who had a lot in common sharing time together. Jack was taking things slowly with her, getting to know her as a friend, before things got too complicated. Slowly was new territory for The Lad. Normally he didn’t hang around with a woman, accelerating smoothly like an express train until he got her into bed. The relationship usually went off the rails shortly afterwards.
Things were somehow different with Annie, and he was hoping to avoid the usual derailment. The more he got to know her, the more different she seemed. Intriguingly different. She was the first female friend that he’d ever had, and she was also the first woman that he couldn’t read like a trashy chick-lit novelette. It wasn’t that she was actually evasive with him, more that she was a lot more complex than his previous girlfriends. Whereas they had been happy to tell him all about their lives, in mind-numbingly boring detail, Annie just let a few intriguing hints slip out gradually.
The truth was that she’d only just got over a fairly traumatic breakup. Her previous boyfriend had been her boss at the art college where she was teaching. It’s seldom a good idea to have a relationship with your boss, but this one had actually lasted three years. Not the happiest three years of her life, and it had only lasted that long because Annie was so trusting and forgiving.
Her ex was a very charming man, and very popular with the students. So charming and popular that he’d had numerous affairs with them. She‘d always forgiven him, and had repeatedly given this serial offender “one last chance.” Then she discovered that he’d got one of the students pregnant. That did it. She’d finally had enough. She quit her job, and told her cheating, scumbag boyfriend to “sling his hook”. The experience had left her emotionally bruised and nervous about trusting another man, but she was quite happy to be ‘just good friends’ with Jack.
In fact, quitting her teaching job and becoming free and single had turned out to be a turning point in her life. The decision had been made easier as she’d just inherited a three bedroomed terrace house in Hackney from her grand aunt. It meant she could survive on a bit less income, so she took a part-time job in a trendily ‘alternative’ health shop in the High Street, and rented out two of her rooms to students from the art college.
The owner of the shop had wondered if Annie might be rather over-qualified to be a sales assistant, but he was persuaded by her dreadlocks, naturally assuming that she was a fully paid-up member of the 'New Age’, vegan, compost-toilet fraternity. Admittedly, she did think of herself as quite ‘Alternative,' perhaps even a bit ‘New Age,' but she also enjoyed a steak occasionally, and she definitely preferred toilets that flushed. She kept these lifestyle choices to herself, along with her views about some of the products and philosophies on sale in the shop, not wanting to disappoint her boss.
Annie had started the dreadlocks as a student, and there was no need to change her style when she became a member of the teaching staff. They gave her a suitably arty look, and more credibility with her pupils. Her lecherous lecturer ex hated the dreads, but that only made her more determined to keep them. Ironically, one of the courses he taught was titled: ‘The Semiology of Post-Modern Feminism' and he bleated on to his female students about self identity, and the importance of being “happy with who you are, and how you look.”
"Yeah, right" Annie used to think, as he repeatedly criticised her appearance, and pursued his course as a serial lecher.
Sometimes people did judge her by her hair. She got funny looks, and occasionally abuse, but that was their problem, and she could live with it. She was, in fact, very happy with who she was, and how she looked.
While her parents had never been fans of the dreadlocks, their misgivings about her appearance had always been outweighed by their admiration for her academic achievements. But they definitely were not impressed with the new job.
They had been so proud of their daughter when she graduated and was offered the job as a lecturer. She tried to explain how stressful it had become, and how much happier she was now, but a shop assistant didn’t have quite the kudos of an academic career in their eyes. The truth was though, that although she was indeed happier, she was also increasingly bored at work, and quickly realised that her considerable intellectual capabilities weren’t exactly being stretched.
She also had a problem with some of the mumbo-jumbo she was expected to spout in the shop. She might cultivate something of an ‘alternative' image, but she found much of the pseudo hippy gibberish quite ridiculous. OK, she could happily recommend say an aloe vera gel, but when a customer expected to discuss aura enhancing crystals, for instance, she could only do so with so much irony that it amounted to taking the piss really:
Customer: “Oh look at these ‘Mystic Meg’s Magic Crystals. Guaranteed to refocus a damaged aura’. Do you think I should buy some?”
Annie: “Well, I haven’t seen your aura. Do you have a recent scan?”
Customer (puzzled): “Umm, no. How does that work, like?”
Annie: “Well, apparently you have to align the crystals with your personal ley lines to tap into the cosmic energy, and then they like boost your aura, and actually repair it, like.”
Customer (impressed): “Wow, that’s amazing. So, if I buy these crystals, they’d make my aura glow, so I can like show all my friends on Facebook? They’d like that, like.”
Annie: “Absolutely! All you need are the crystals and our ‘Cosmic Aura Cam', which is on special offer this week, and you’re sorted. It’s a wicked way to impress your friends. Even better than posting pics of you meditating. I mean, like everybody’s doing that now, aren’t they?”
A few we
eks of this kind of sales patter, along with similarly limited interaction with her colleagues in the shop, none of whom shared Annie’s sense of irony, and she was ready to move on. She had no real urge to return to academic shenanigans, and ideally she wanted to be her own boss, but doing what?
While she was pondering this dilemma, something happened which changed the direction of her life again: her elderly neighbour's parrot went missing!
* * *
That Saturday morning she was having brunch, looking forward to a relaxing weekend without the need to discuss her karma, when the doorbell rang. She opens the door to find a very distraught Edna.
"Annie, Gertrude’s disappeared! I‘ve looked everywhere, but I just can't find her" Edna splutters, through floods of tears.
The bird had been a present from Edna's late husband, Henry, who’d died twenty years earlier. Edna loved her parrot like a daughter. She’d lived alone since Henry passed away, and Gertrude was not only her feathery soulmate, but her last connection with Henry.
“That's terrible news, Edna” Annie replies. “Just give me a minute, and I‘ll help you look for her."
She locks up and follows her neighbour back to her house. They search for the best part of an hour, before Annie has to admit defeat. The cage is sitting on the dining table, empty. The cage door open. No sign of the parrot anywhere in the house.
She gently suggests that Gertrude must have flown out through an open window. Edna is heartbroken, but adamant that Gertrude has never done that in the thirty years that they’ve been together. She insists that there must be another explanation.
"Gertrude must have been stolen! I’m sure that’s what’s happened. She would never have just flown away.” Edna shakes her head sadly. “Now I’ll never see her again.” She’s sobbing again, and her whole body shakes with grief.
Annie puts her arm around her neighbour and hugs her. She‘s upset for Edna, and angry that someone might have callously preyed on the old lady. Then the problem-solving part of her brain kicks in. She’s always loved a good ‘who done it’ story, and she usually had a pretty good idea who the villain was. Now here was a real-life mystery, and she was confident that she could solve it. The realisation that she is the right person to solve this crime and find the stolen parrot, is the moment that her life takes the new direction.
"OK, let’s think this through Edna. Did anyone visit you this morning?"
"The postman delivered some letters first thing, but I didn't open the door for him."
"Anyone else?"
"Well, let’s see now ...Tommy came round to pick up a bag of clothes for his mum. You know, the lad from number twenty-four?”
Annie nods. She knows him, and she’s not a big fan of the teenager.
“His mum, Karen, collects for the homeless. But I didn't let him in the house. Anyway, he’s a good kid. He wouldn't steal Gertrude."
Annie isn’t so sure. “I’ve seen him hanging out with some of the older lads. You know, the gang that causes trouble around here?”
Edna nods. She knows them only too well. They hang around outside her house with music blasting at all hours, and laugh when she waves her stick at them. They spray graffiti on her wall, and chuck their empty cans in her front garden. She’d thought about moving out to a cottage in the country, but hey she’s lived in Stoke Newington all her life. It’s her manor. She survived the war here. Refused to be evacuated. And if the Nazi’s bombs couldn’t drive her away, she’s dammed if she’s going to let a bunch of hooligan kids drive her out of her home.
“I just wish my Henry was still alive. He’d soon sort them out. But I can’t believe that Tommy would ...” She lapses into a troubled silence. Now that she knows that he’s one of them, she’s not quite so sure. And she’s been so friendly to their family.
Annie coughs politely. “Anyway Edna, have you got a photo of Gertrude?”
Her neighbour nods. She’s got a whole album of parrot pics.
“OK. I’ll make some flyers and put them up around here. And I’ll show the photo to the local pet shops in case they get offered a parrot like yours.”
Annie also intended to look in the rubbish bins, but she keeps that thought to herself. Edna had stopped sobbing, and was looking a bit more cheerful now. No need to worry her unduly.
“Thank you so much for helping me, Annie. You’re such a sweet girl" Edna says, giving Annie a hug.
“Don’t worry Edna. It’s no problem.”
And indeed it isn’t. In fact, Annie is feeling more energised than she has since leaving her teaching job. “Solving the Mystery of the Missing Parrot has got to be more interesting than talking bollox about aura-enhancing crystals” she thinks to herself. “Maybe I need something like this to get my brain back into gear.” Besides, she knows how upset she would be if one of her own pets went missing, and on top of all this, she just believes in helping people in her community. As we’ve seen, she’s not really a hippy, but she does believe in communities.
* * *
Later that afternoon Annie is back home after putting up the flyers. Her older brother, Robert, arrives to drop off his daughter's three hamsters. His family are going on holiday, and Annie has promised to look after them.
Robert has done well for himself. He’s worked his way up through the police force ranks and now he’s an inspector in the Met. Their parents are very proud of him, often comparing his meteoric rise to his sister’s aborted academic career. Then there are the two lovely grandchildren that he’s produced. Not surprisingly Annie often has to put up with the predictable sniping: “why can’t you be more like your brother?”
She asks Robert if he has any tips for recovering a stolen parrot. Once her brother has stopped laughing, Annie asks him again: "sorry Rob, I’m serious. It’s for my neighbour. She absolutely adores this bird, and I promised to help her. She’ll completely go to pieces if I don’t find it. Maybe you can have a word at the station? See if anyone’s handed in a parrot?"
Robert smirks. "Sorry girl. We’re catching a plane in a few hours. I just don’t have time for this, and anyway, surely you know that I no longer work in the Missing Parrot Department - aka the ‘Squark Squad’?"
“Yeah yeah, very funny. Look, I’m doing you a favour, remember: hamsters? A bit of help would be appreciated."
Robert knows that when his sister is in this kind of mood, there’s no easy escape.
"OK, have another chat with Edna when she’s calmed down. Go through everything again, and see if she missed anything, however small. You never know, it might just point you in the right direction. The details are crucial. They’re your clues, and somewhere hidden in them is your solution. It’s dogged persistence that solves crimes, not rocket science.”
Annie considers this, and thanks her brother for the advice. Then she has a brainwave: Edna said that she didn’t let Tommy in the house when he came round to collect the bag of clothes, but did she hand it to him on the doorstep and watch him leave?
Now she’s thinking like a detective, Robert says. “Perhaps you’d like to join the met? Got to be better than wasting your time in that poxy hippy shop, surely? You know mum and dad so wanted it to work out for you in the college.”
Actually he’s only half joking. He’s long admired his sister’s ability to solve problems. She was always annoyingly better than him at any game that involved thinking out of the box. “Yes,” he thinks to himself, “she’d make a bloody good detective. Probably better than me in fact.”
With that thought, he plonks the hamster cage on the kitchen table and says that he’ll see her in a couple of weeks. Annie says goodbye distractedly, but her mind is occupied, mulling over the layout of Edna’s house; computing possibilities, probabilities; looking for clues that might become certainties.
* * *
A few hours later Annie rings Edna's doorbell. No answer, so she waves through the front window and manages to get her attention. The old lady opens the door.
Annie: 'hello again. I put the
flyers up ..."
Edna interrupts: "come in dearie. I haven't got my hearing aid in, so it's no use trying to talk to me."
Annie waits in the hall while Edna finds her hearing aid.
"I was just saying that I put some flyers up, but I need to ask you again about this morning. I hope you don't mind?"
"No, that's fine dear, but I’m not sure that I can tell you anything that I haven't already told you. Anyway, just a sec while I'll put the kettle on, and we’ll have a nice cup of tea."
Annie follows her through to the kitchen and sits down at the table. She’s keen to continue her inquiries, but she knows that she can’t rush things. She waits while Edna makes a pot of tea, and eventually the time is right to uncover some more clues.
"So, when Tommy came round to collect the bag of clothes for his mum, did you give it straight to him?”
Edna scratches her head. “Well, no. Not exactly. Let me think ... I had to get the bag from the kitchen, so I left Tommy standing on the doorstep.”
"How long do you think you took to find it in the kitchen, and give it to him?"
"Oh, well now, let’s see ... it must have been at least five minutes. I‘m not so quick on my feet these days, you know."
The cogs are turning in Annie’s brain4. “So, she left Tommy alone for five minutes” she thinks. “That’s plenty of time for him to nip into the front room and grab Gertrude from her cage. Even if the parrot started squawking Edna might not have heard it, if she didn’t have her hearing aid in.”
Edna: "you still think Tommy might have stolen Gertrude then?"
"Well, of course I don't know for sure, but he would have had enough time to bundle her into a rucksack before you came back from the kitchen.”
Edna looks appalled. "I think you might’ve been watching too many dramas on television, dear.” A pause, as she pats Annie on the arm. “There again, I was watching that ‘Crime Watch’ the other night, and it didn’t half scare me. There’s certainly a lot of bad people out there these days, aren’t there?”
