A familiar voice appeared on the other end of the line.
“Alright Mack? What’s happening mate?”
“Alright Sumo?” Mack said. “You sound a bit wrecked mate. Been up all night, eh?”
“Bit of a party here last night mate,” Sumo said. “Know what I mean? A shitload of vodka and Tegz’s weed, that’s all I remember. Bad combo.”
Mack smiled. “Nice one,” he said.
“So you coming round?”
“Actually I am, aye.”
“Where you at then? Home?”
“York.”
There was a brief silence on the other end.
“York? What like, in…”
“Yorkshire, aye. They caught me coming in last night. There was a suitcase and a train ticket to Edinburgh waiting.”
“Bloody hell mate. You’re going home? When?”
“Today. I was, but not anymore. I’m coming back.”
“What about your folks? They’ll just send you back, won’t they?”
“I’m not going to their place mate. I was thinking about coming to the church and staying there until Piccadilly. If that’s cool?”
Sumo Dave perked up at that. “That’s my boy!”
“So it’s cool?”
“Yeah of course. Get down here bro. We’ll find you a sleeping bag or a blanket or something. You won’t be stuck for a place to sleep, I’ll make sure of it.”
“I’m on my way. Cheers Sumo.”
“Alright mate. See ya.”
Mack hung up and put the phone down on the table. Glancing over at the TV, he noticed that Sadie Hobbs was talking about lynch mobs again. She was in the middle of yet another rant, calling on the so-called ‘ordinary people’ in Britain to stand up and take over from the police and the army, in other words to do their job for them.
To flush out ‘the rats’ who’d taken over London.
Chapter 33
23rd August 2011
* * *
SKAM News Channel
* * *
In the SKAM News studios in Central London, veteran anchorman, ‘Slick’ Hugh Stanton, is all business as the camera zooms in.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: The number of people occupying the streets of London has continued to increase today in anticipation of an appearance by Chester George in Piccadilly Circus on the first of September. Our reporter, Poppy Baskerville, is in Peckham this afternoon. Poppy, what’s going on down there?
* * *
The camera cuts to a young woman of about thirty with long blonde hair. She’s standing in an inner city street where large crowds have gathered behind her.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: Thank you Hugh. Well here in Peckham, all roads lead to Piccadilly, which is just over four miles across the river from where I’m standing. Next Thursday, thousands of people are expected to march west from here in order to hear the mysterious Chester George give his first public speech.
* * *
The camera zooms out to reveal a tall black man standing beside Poppy. Dressed in a jet-black hoodie and khaki combat trousers, the young man’s eyes are glued to the camera as he’s introduced.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: Well you might remember Michael King from his recent appearance on The Paxton Show a couple of weeks ago. Michael, who played a large part in coordinating the London riots, is joining us live here in Peckham. Michael, thank you for your time.
* * *
MICHAEL KING: My pleasure.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: There are literally thousands of people standing out here on the street today, and elsewhere across London. What exactly is going?
* * *
MICHAEL KING: This is Phase Two. This is the occupation. It’s a true demonstration of people power.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: Has the rioting stopped altogether then?
* * *
MICHAEL KING: There were never any riots. What you saw was an insurrection. Phase One.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: Okay. So there’s no more looting then?
* * *
MICHAEL KING: The looting was just a symptom of hopelessness. Now we have hope. There’s no need to loot or burn anything else down. Chester George has asked us to be peaceful and we will comply with his wishes.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: But will there be violence at Piccadilly?
* * *
MICHAEL KING: The Good and Honest Citizens used violence to make people listen. You don’t listen to petitions, but when you hear the sound of a shop window being smashed in, by God, you’ll take notice.
* * *
With a nervous smile, Poppy Baskerville turns back to the camera.
* * *
POPPY BASKERVILLE: Michael King, thank you. Hugh, it’s back to you in the studio.
HUGH STANTON: (Smiling) Thank you Poppy. Well, it’s been a remarkable few weeks here in London. And what’s even more remarkable is that a reality TV star and an unknown man dressed up like a skeleton are now more influential than the British government. Well, joining me now is the woman of the hour - Sadie Hobbs.
* * *
The camera pans right to reveal Sadie Hobbs sitting next to Hugh. She’s wearing a short gold dress, which matches her orange skin and crimped blonde hair. As she’s introduced, her lips ease into a relaxed smile.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: Sadie, thank you for joining us. Piccadilly – September 1st. What’s your take on this?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Hugh. It’s going to be the GREATEST day in the history of this city. It’s going to be remembered as the day we took our city back.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: (To camera) Did you hear that London?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: You see it’s like this Hugh. I want people to stop hiding from these yobs. I want them to stop sitting in front of their TVs, cowering behind the curtains and gawking as all our buildings burn and shops get their windows smashed in.
* * *
Sadie turns to the camera.
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Seriously! Why so PASSIVE Britain? We have strength in numbers. Forget the police, the army, the politicians – they had their chance and the truth is, they blew it. It’s up to us to put a stop to this. US.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: So what exactly are you proposing?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: I’m proposing that we have our own march to Piccadilly in September. That we get everyone out onto the streets and show Chester George and his pet rats who has the real power.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: Are you encouraging people to become vigilantes?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: (Nodding) YES! And I’ll tell you something Hugh - if we’d done this earlier and stood up to the rioters - poor old London could have been spared a lot of hassle. But we trusted in our police force and our politicians to protect us. And they FAILED!
* * *
HUGH STANTON: And I hear you have a documentary crew following you around as you prepare for this counter-march to Piccadilly?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: (Smiling) Yes, well with my reality TV background it seemed like a no-brainer Hugh. So yes we’re filming my attempt to save the city and the show is called Sadie Hobbs: Riot Hunter. Basically I’ll be going around knocking on doors around Britain, recruiting people for our march to Piccadilly.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: And where can viewers watch your show?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Right here on SKAM of course! (Gives him a playful wink) How could you even ask me such a question?
* * *
HUGH STANTON: I’m sorry darling.
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: SKAM One at 8.30pm, starting tomorrow night.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: So you’re recruiting an army?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: ABSOLUTELY
! And we’re going to exterminate these feral rats once and for all.
* * *
HUGH STANTON: (Smiling) Sadie Hobbs, thank you very much.
* * *
Sadie turns to the camera.
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Remember! – Sadie Hobbs: Riot Hunter - 8.30pm tomorrow night. See you there!
Chapter 34
24th August 2011
* * *
Mack stood outside the Christ Apostolic Church on Tottenham High Road. He pressed the phone up against his ear, while surveying the crowds around him.
“Hello?” said a voice on the other end of the line.
“Mum, it’s me,” Mack said. “I’m back in London.”
“Mack!” Isabella’s voice was full of relief. “Are you alright?”
“I’m alright,” he said.
“Your gran phoned us yesterday. She said you never arrived at the station. We’ve heard nothing since – what the hell is going on with you?”
Mack was looking over to the other side of the High Road, where a woman was sitting on the burned out shell of a police car. A young boy was sitting next to her on the roof. They were pointing at the sky, looking up at the stars.
Mack wondered if that was one of two police cars he’d seen burned on the first night of rioting.
“I’m fine,” he said.
“Where are you?”
“I told you. Back in London.”
“Where in London?”
A part of him wanted to tell her he was close. Real close. She was his mother and he owed her that much.
“I can’t say,” he said.
“Mack,” Isabella said. “London isn’t safe.”
“Edinburgh isn’t safe either Mum,” he said. “Not for me.”
He could hear his dad’s voice in the background. Asking her to ask Mack questions.
“We’re going back,” Isabella said. “You have to come with us. I promise you, nothing bad will happen.”
“I can’t Mum.”
“Are you at Sumo Dave’s?” Isabella asked.
Mack smiled. “I know that’s the first place you’d look.”
“What are you going to do Mack?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m going to Piccadilly Mum.”
“With your friends from the Broadwater Farm Estate?” she said. “God Mack, you really know how to pick them don’t you?”
“What?”
“Your friends.”
“Friends?” Mack said. He turned around and looked back up at the second floor window of the church. “I can count my friends on one finger Mum.”
Isabella was quiet for a moment. Then she said in flat voice:
“Don’t make me call the police Mack.”
But Mack wasn’t fooled. He stole a glance to his left, towards the police station, where the authorities were still surrounded by the Good and Honest Citizens. “The police are a bit busy Mum.”
He heard her sigh down the phone. One of those deep, pitiful sighs of Isabella’s that never seemed to end. He knew he was causing his mother even more sleepless nights, which ate away at his guts. But at that moment in time, there was nothing more important for Mack Walker than getting to Piccadilly. And if he went back to the house on Stanmore Road, he’d never get there.
“He’s just a loony in a skull hoodie Mack,” Isabella said. “Just another screwball on the Internet. And you lot think he’s Jesus. He’s got you brainwashed.”
“I’m going Mum.”
“And then what?”
“Then we can talk, okay? I’ve got to go now.”
“Mack! Don’t you dare put that phone down on me…MACK? Are you still there? “MACK!”
Click.
Chapter 35
25th August 2011
* * *
Sadie Hobbs: I’m a Celebrity Riot Hunter!
* * *
Viewer discretion: this show is live and may contain some offensive language.
(Opening sequence)
* * *
The intro begins with a montage of images from the riots: burning buildings, mass lootings and vicious beatings.
* * *
The camera then zooms in on an imaginary inner city street, with buildings that are clearly made out of huge blocks of cardboard. Some of them have bright orange triangles attached to the top, supposedly signifying that the building is ablaze.
* * *
A group of actors dressed up in hoodies and wearing paper rat masks over their faces are attacking a row of cardboard shops with plastic baseball bats – swatting the fake buildings with a barrage of feeble blows.
* * *
Suddenly a lone figure appears at the far end of the street.
* * *
Sadie Hobbs.
* * *
The rioters stop what they’re doing and turn towards her.
* * *
The camera zooms in on Sadie, who swaggers slowly up the street. She’s wearing a bright orange pest exterminator suit with ‘RIOT HUNTER’ printed in capital letters on the left breast.
* * *
The fake rioters charge at Sadie, one by one. Clumsily, they swing at her with their fake bats and Sadie swats them away like flies with her bare hands. The vanquished rioters fall in a heap at her feet.
* * *
Sadie approaches the camera, stops and breaks out into a broad smile.
* * *
The title appears onscreen:
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: I’M A CELEBRITY RIOT HUNTER!
Sadie Hobbs - dressed in her orange pest exterminator outfit - is walking down Old Church Street in Chelsea. She stops outside an attractive house, which is clad in red brick and has a sparkling pink and white Mini-Cooper parked out front.
* * *
Sadie turns to the camera:
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Hello and welcome to Sadie Hobbs: I’m a Celebrity Riot Hunter! This is the only show out there GUARANTEED to exterminate the pests who’ve been taking the ‘Great’ out of Great Britain.
* * *
Sadie turns around and pushes open the small gate. She starts walking up the path towards the door, turning back to the camera as she does so.
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: This show is all about YOU – the great people of Britain. I’m here to recruit you to join my march to Piccadilly in September. Okay let’s start recruiting shall we?
* * *
She knocks on the door.
* * *
A few seconds later, a young woman in her mid thirties answers the door. What is immediately apparent to the viewer is how similar in appearance she is to Sadie, albeit a slightly younger version. Her blonde hair is also crimped and her skin glows the same shade of deep orange. Upon seeing Sadie at the door, she clasps a hand over her mouth.
* * *
WOMAN: OOOH MA GAWWD!! Sadie Hobbs! I’ve just been watching you on the telly! I didn’t realise that was my street you were on. I didn’t even realise that was my house you were standing outside – or my pink and white car! OOOH MA GAWWD! What am I like?
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: (Beaming) Hello my dear, what’s your name?
* * *
WOMAN: SADIE HOBBS! No that’s not my name, that’s your name. I just can’t believe it! You’re my hero, standing on my doorstep. I LOVE YOU!
* * *
The woman throws her arms around Sadie.
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Woah there! Easy tiger.
* * *
WOMAN: Ooh! I’ve read everything you’ve ever written. I love your blog. You’re like the best writer ever that’s ever written anything. PHIL, PHIL – Sadie Hobbs is at the door! I think you’re one of them geniuses! You’re a genius aren’t you?
* * *
Sadie wriggles free of the woman’s grip.
* * *
SADIE HOBBS: Okay darling, calm down. I just need a quick answer. Are you #teamSadie or #teamwhatshisname? Can I count on YOU to join me on
my march to Piccadilly in September?
* * *
The woman walks forward slowly, like a zombie chasing brains.
* * *
WOMAN: I’ll do whatever you want me to do. ANYTHING!
* * *
L-2011 Page 18
