I'm not sure about this. I look to Suki. "What's she going to do?"
"She'll just suss out what's happening." Suki's watching her mum and I can tell she's not sure either. But she's stands up like a moth to a flame. "Come on," she says.
I can't work it out. The friction between them freaks me out. I feel as if there's some sort of double bluff going on. But the one thing I don't doubt for a moment is that Anna knows about this stuff. It's like Jess said; people are getting hurt. If there's a chance Anna can help then I need to take that chance.
Suddenly I wish I'd told Suki all of it, but it's too late to back out now. Things are moving with their own momentum, or perhaps it's Anna driving us forward. I don't know but it's not something I can control.
I go with Suki through to a parlour at the back of the house. Anna pulls the curtains closed before I get a good look at the room but I catch a glimpse and see sofas covered in tatty cushions and bright throws. A round table in one corner. There's a grandfather clock. I see candles lined along the mantelpiece and the air is heavy with the scent of sandalwood. I stare around looking for anything strange but it seems an ordinary enough room. Anna sits down at the table. She gestures for me to sit opposite. As soon as I sit down, her hands reach for mine across the green velvet cloth.
I hesitate and look round for Suki. She's standing by the door.
"It's all right, Tommy," she says. "Anna will just get a feel for what's going on." She doesn't take her eyes off her mum.
I put my hands on the table and Anna reaches out and takes hold of them. Her touch is firm and cold. Her fingers grip my hands lightly. I wait for her to tell me to do something but she just stares at me.
The clock ticks the seconds away. Nothing happens. I relax a little. The clock keeps ticking the minutes away. I don't feel anything. I'm thinking nothing dramatic is going to happen and I'm glad. I feel a bit silly and want to stop. She must have what she wants by now, but Anna keeps hold of my hands. Her grip tightens like she knows what I'm thinking. I don't feel I can pull away.
Her hands are cold and I shiver. I think the room feels colder but I tell myself that is just my imagination. I want to look round for Suki but somehow I can't look away from Anna. And then it happens.
This time I can't see the ghost but I know it's there.
Anna moves her head a fraction and something about her changes ever so slightly. She says, "It should have been you, Tom." It's her voice but I know at once. There's a horrible moment of silence. Then the ghost says, "You know that don't you, Tom?"
Anna's staring at me, waiting for an answer. I try to jerk my hands away but her fingers lock tight.
I can't bear the silence. I have to answer. "It was an accident." I've said it to myself so many times and it still doesn't sound right.
"An accident." Anna's lips change so her mouth's a different shape. She laughs. It's Danny's laugh but bitter and angry. "It's an accident when you spill your coffee. It's an accident when you dent your car, Tom." They laugh again. "You don't really believe it was an accident."
I can feel his anger. It's worse than any of the ghosts, worse than the night on the bridge. I have to stop this but I don't know how. I try to break free but Anna's nails dig into my flesh hard enough to break the skin. The clock ticks and a drop of blood drips on to the velvet.
I can feel Suki's hands on my shoulders but I'm trapped by Anna's stare.
"It should've been you, Tom. Out of your head, too pigheaded and stubborn to listen to good advice. It should've been you. We both know that." It's Anna's voice but it's not. In my head it's Danny's voice. I know it really well. But not like this. "You always were a selfish fuck. Just admit it, Tom. It should've been you."
Another silence, my throat aches. I try to swallow. The clock ticks like a broken heart.
"I'm sorry," I say and the words come out as a whisper. "It should've been me."
Anna's grip loosens.
"No, Danny, don't go please." But just as I speak our hands slip apart. I don't know why it happens. Anna gives a little gasp and leans back in her chair. I don't move. I'm not sure if I can.
A moment later Suki pulls the curtains open. She's the colour of milk but with bright red spots high on her cheeks.
Anna sits up. Her mouth is pinched tight. Her eyes are heavy as if she has a killer headache but she looks sort of triumphant. I flinch from her stare and put my hands under the table. We just sit there until Suki touches my shoulder. "Come on, Tommy."
I push the chair back and stand up. I feel fragile as glass. It's not as if I didn't know. Just that I didn't know for sure. Now I know.
Anna says, "That was what you wanted." I don't know who she's talking to.
Suki pushes me towards the door. She says, "I won't be a moment, Tommy."
I go to the door and turn to look at Anna. She stares back, and I know she's not giving me anything but I have to ask.
"What can I do?"
"Nothing. It's not your choice anymore." She stares at me and shrugs. "Thanks to your friend," she says the word real nasty and I wonder how much she knows. "You're a taxi service for ghosts, get used to it."
"That's enough," Suki snarls the words at her.
"I warned you he had bad stuff going on. You've seen it for yourself. None of this is my fault," Anna says.
"Go and get in the car, Tommy." Suki's staring at her mother as if it could all kick off between them. But Anna's right. It's not her fault. I want to ask her about Danny, but Suki waves me away. She looks like she's going to cry so I go.
I get in the car. I feel so cold I grab the car rug from the back seat. Even with the rug I'm shivering. Suki comes out of the house and gets in the car. She slams the door and starts the engine without looking at me. Gravel sprays as she guns the car down the drive. I watch her hands, white on the steering wheel. I steal a glance at her face and I keep quiet. I guess we've gone five miles before she says anything.
"I'm sorry, Tommy. I never thought she would do something like that," she shakes her head like she's too mad to find the words. "I can't believe she did that to you."
"She didn't do it to me." It's hard to admit, after so long. "This thing with Danny, that isn't your mum's fault."
She glances at me and shakes her head. "You don't get it. She made that happen. She'll do anything to get what she wants. To keep me away from stuff."
"Don't you think, perhaps she's right?"
"No!" She pounds the steering wheel. "Shut the fuck up, Tommy. Can you try not to be a jerk just once?" She hits the steering wheel again. I shut up.
After a bit she says, "You don't understand. You don't know how ruthless she can be. You don't know anything about her."
There's an obvious answer to that, but I don't say anything. Instead I sit for a while and then get out my cell phone. I've missed visiting Mickey at the hospital and I want to call and see how he's doing. I realise I don't have the number in my phone.
Suki glances over. "Use mine, the number's in it." She nods to her bag in the back seat.
I fish it out and flip through the list of numbers. When I get through to the hospital the woman won't tell me much. She says Mick's still in the AICU, which means he wasn't well enough to move. I guess she hears how freaked I am by that and she's more reassuring. Says he might be well enough to be moved in the morning. I drop the phone back in Suki's bag. She shoots me a glance but doesn't say anything.
Trees flash by. It's that horrible time between light and dark. We're driving through woods, an old winding road. The car plunges through the twists and turns. She's a good driver but she's driving too fast. From the look on her face, I don't think it's a good moment to suggest she slows down.
A sign for a lay-by looms up. Suki doesn't seem to notice but when the actual lay-by appears she brakes and swerves off the road. We're going too fast and it's a rough surface. Simon's car takes a pounding through the potholes and we nearly hit a waste bin before we skid to a halt at the far end, inches from the grass. Her bag flie
s off the back seat and everything spills out over the floor.
"Bloody hell." She unsnaps her seatbelt and scoots round to start throwing stuff back into the bag, like it's the only thing in her head. When she's done we just sit there for a while.
"Who's Danny?" she asks. "What happened?"
I tell her about Danny. I tell it fast and I don't make excuses. I don't call it an accident. I'll never use that word for it, not again, not even in my head.
"You should've told me." It's all she says.
"I know."
I wait for her to speak. To explain. But if there's anything she wants to say, she can't seem to get it out.
After a bit I say, "I have to get back." I don't say why but she turns to stare at me, and I know she's worked it out.
Chapter Seventeen
We don't talk. Suki drives too fast. I guess she wants rid of me. I can't think of anything to say that would make it better, so I just sit there thinking how everything's fucked up. I wish I could at least go and see Mickey. But the ghosts' pull is strong. If I try to avoid them the ghosts will rip me up.
I glance at Suki but she's got her gaze fixed on the road ahead; it's as if she's pretending I'm not here. It seems like I'm not even a worthy project anymore, now she knows what I did to Danny. I can't really blame her. But I wish she'd just talk to me.
When we get to town she asks where to go. I give her vague directions. When we get close I say, "Just drop me here."
She slows down, looking around. "Where's the house."
"Close," I say. "I can walk from here." I've got my hand on the door, waiting for her to stop, waiting for the moment when it's done for good. I want to get it over quick.
"Where exactly is it?" she asks.
"What does that matter?"
"I want to come with you."
That knocks me back. I didn't see it coming. She's not dumping me. I feel good for a moment but it doesn't last. What she's suggesting is such a fucking insane idea. "No!"
"At least let me see where the house is."
"No."
"Why not? Perhaps I can do something to help."
"Suki, I don't even know who I'll be when the ghosts come." I don't think she gets it. "I could be any sort of nutter. It's not safe."
"From what you say, the ghosts aren't nutters, just sad. I can watch out for you."
"No." She's freaking me out. I keep thinking of Anna, this is what she was on about. This is why she was so mad.
It's getting late. The ghosts are tugging at me. It's so messed up. I want to be glad that Suki's not done with me, but the smack of guilt and doubt is too hard. Maybe Anna's right. I don't really know what's going on with Suki or why she wants to come. But I can't let her. If something happened to her. The thought makes me feel desperate. "This isn't a fucking game, a way to piss your mum off. Bad shit happens. Do you want to end up like Mickey?"
It's quiet for a bit, then she says, "No, and I don't want you to either."
Just a few words but she knocks all the anger out of me. "I'll be fine. The ghosts need me."
"Yes, I've seen how that works out."
"Suki, you're not fucking listening. I want you to go."
"OK." She sort of sighs and gives in. "Take the sandwiches. Have you got enough money?"
"Yeah." I don't think she means to, but she's really messing with my head. This is worse, much worse, than being on my own and there's other stuff crowding in too. Most of it will have to wait but there's one thing. "Will you keep an eye out for Mick? I don't know how long…." I feel bad asking after being such a jerk to her.
She just says, "Of course I will."
I can't tell if she's mad with me. "Will you think of something to tell him." I know I sound like a whiney jerk. "So he doesn't think there's anything up with me?"
"No more than usual, you mean?"
"No more than usual," I agree. I'm thinking maybe she's not too mad with me.
She leans across and kisses me. When she stops her eyes are bright and scared. I know she felt the ghosts. I get the car door open but I can't think of anything to say. I start to get out.
"Sandwiches," she says, as if it's the most important thing.
I take the carrier bag and stand on the kerb to watch her drive off.
Now she's gone I have time to think about what's coming. It doesn't help. I double back down the road a bit and cut across a building site to get to the street where the house is. I don't want Suki to have any chance if she tries to come back and follow me.
The house is waiting in the dark. I stop for a moment by the gate, thinking about Danny. I can hear his angry voice in my head. Part of me wants it to be him tonight. Part of me is scared to death it might be.
The ghosts are impatient. I'm crawling under the door before I even realise it.
The room stinks of damp and piss. It gets worse every time. Or I notice it more. I don't have to wait long. When the ghosts come, I try to stay calm and let it happen. It doesn't help. Too late I remember it's better if you're already close to the floor before you fall down.
I wake up and there are chinks of light through the boarded windows. I must've been out for a while. We don't move but I feel the ghost, just one as far as I can tell.
So that's not too bad. Maybe it'll just take the morning. I start to think of what I need to do when the ghost is gone. Then I feel the ghost stir.
There's more than the usual hint of confusion from the ghost and a mess of bottled up emotions. There's fear, but pushed way down. The ghost feels jammed up like there's a load of stuff the ghost won't even think about.
We sit up, slow and careful. I get the feeling it's a guy. The ghost looks round, taking his time, cautious, like he needs to know exactly what's going on around him. The ghost doesn't seem freaked by the dark, filthy room the way the lady ghosts sometimes are. We stand up, testing each movement out first. I don't think this is a young guy. The ghost gets his balance right and then does a one eighty turn. We stare round for a minute then complete the turn so we're back looking at the half open door. The carrier bag hangs off the handle. Shimmering white in the darkness.
The ghost goes to look in the bag. He takes it off the door and I wonder if I'll get brownie points for bringing breakfast. The ghost puts his hand on the door and jerks it all the way open. It's definitely a man: he's not fussed about splinters and he's used to having that sort of strength. We go downstairs, still cautious. The ghost is watching everything. When we get to the front door we hesitate. The ghost takes a deep breath, and we crawl out as if we're waiting for an armed attack force to ambush us.
The ghost stands on the porch breathing hard and shivering. He's not scared like the kids but somehow being in the open is a big deal for him. I wonder if it's because he's been gone for a long time.
It's a grey, cold dawn. The ghost stares out into the world and beneath all the caution I feel the first stir of anger, the ghost's anger. It's not a hot anger. It's slow, dark and bitter, sort of well matured. Somehow, with the anger the ghost feels more confident, determined. Like he remembers why he's here.
He digs in my pockets, pulling out my phone and the bit of cash I have and sorting through it. The ghost checks out what we're wearing and looks down at my trainers. He looks round at the house. I feel him weigh it all up.
"Junkie scum," he says.
I really feel his contempt, so strong it burns. Along with his anger it's really not nice. Already I want this guy gone.
But he doesn't seem in any hurry. Or maybe he doesn't know what to do, but that's weird, the ghosts always do something. We sit down on the porch. He just sits there staring off into the distance. I don't know what's going on with him. But he's distracted. I get the feeling he is planning something.
After a bit the ghost sort of comes back to himself. He digs in the carrier bag. He gets out a can of Pepsi and pulls the tab. Then he gets a pack of sandwiches and starts eating. The sandwiches are cheese and pickle. I love cheese and pickle. I'm thinking Suki made che
ese and pickle sandwiches for me. Even when she was mad she remembered what I like. It's sort of stupid but it's a big deal to me.
The ghost chomps through most of the sandwiches, finishes the Pepsi, and burps loud enough to wake the neighbours, if there were any.
The ghost tidies the wrappers and cans into the carrier bag and stands up. We go down the path and step through the gate. We pause and it feels as if the ghost expects a drum roll. Or maybe it's a moment of nerves. He gets over it and we head off down the road, keeping watch all round.
It feels like this is another big deal to the ghost, walking down the road, choosing where he wants to go. I find that pretty ironic. He seems to know his way around the town, even out here but then it's not that hard. It's all laid out down the hill.
We get to the main road and the ghost turns towards town. He's got a rhythm to his stride that's close enough to how I walk to screw with my head. The other ghosts, most of them were different, visitors. There's something stronger about this guy.
He even starts whistling.
A car toots and pulls over. The ghost freezes. It feels like he might run for it. I see it's a Ride in Style cab and I'm freaked too.
"Hey, Tommy, want a ride into town?"
It's the same guy from the other day. I still don't remember his name. The ghost hasn't got a clue who Cab guy is or what's going on, but he gets over his panic real quick.
"Yes, thanks for stopping." The ghost climbs in the car, and I'm thinking, what the fuck. This isn't right. How can he hope to pull this off? The ghost doesn't seem bothered, he just settles back in the seat.
"You going to the garage?" Cab guy asks.
"Yes."
Cab guy glances sideways. I can tell he's bursting to ask. "Is your friend OK? After the stabbing the other night."
The ghost just grunts in a fuck off don't bother me way, and Cab guy shuts up. The traffic is terrible and it's a long slow ride. But something about the ghost keeps Cab guy quiet. When we get to the garage Cab guy parks up and heads off. I don't think he'll be offering me any more rides. I expect the ghost to head off down the alley. The ghost walks into the garage.
Soul Mate (Book One) Page 17
