by Nicole Smith
We ran into the house. John grabbed hold of my mother’s waist and dragged her to the couch. He laid her down and I put a blanket over her. Luke went to grab a cold, wet cloth for her face. John and I began to pick up the glass as Luke curled up beside our mother and sobbed silently with her.
I boxed the remaining beer bottles that were scattered around the front porch. My mother would have been extremely embarrassed having the priest here, looking at this mess. She didn’t invite him over. He knew on his own that there is trouble in this house. I am sure the teachers at school were aware of it too. I could tell by the way they looked at me when I had been away for days at a time. The way they offered me food at lunch time when all I had was an apple or some green beans I had pulled from the garden. I could tell by the way they tried to make me talk, they would ask me numerous questions on days when I wouldn’t say a word to anyone.
A few days after this latest episode I bolted off the school bus, swearing to never return to school again. I began to try to come up with excuses to stay home as I walked slowly up the long driveway. I didn’t want to think about what had happened that day. I had cried all the way home.
I sat down on the edge of the driveway, in between the tall weeds taking over our front yard. I laid my head down and stared up at the blue sky and the white puffy clouds. I noticed my brothers walk past me. John glanced my way but kept going.
The afternoon’s nightmare played before me, as much as I tried to stop thinking about it I just couldn’t. I stood alone at the front of the classroom. I looked down at my cue cards then back up at all the expectant faces, staring at me, waiting for me to speak. Expressionless, they were waiting to be entertained. I worked hard on my speech. I wrote about my cats and how much I loved them. I even wrote about the kittens I lost to a male cat that bit the necks of each of them as they slept. I thought about Rocky, their mother, and how she cried for months afterward. I could hear her meowing everywhere she went, like she was trying to call her babies home. I left out the part about my mother crying as she buried them behind the shed as I watched solemnly with Luke.
I thought my speech was pretty good actually but I just couldn’t say it. I started to, but my cheeks began to burn when I spoke. Tears began to pour down my face. I shook uncontrollably. I vaguely remember the teacher encouraging me, ‘just read your speech Natalie’. I think the kids in the class were trying to encourage me too. My friend Jason kept smiling at me and nodding his head, like I was supposed to understand some subliminal language. I stared at him as I began to say my speech again but I made the mistake of looking away from him for just a second.
I caught a glimpse of my father, standing in the middle of the classroom. He looked so angry with me. He pointed his finger. “Sit down and shut up! Don’t make me come over there,” he shouted at me in front of my whole class. I froze. I began to tremble and cry. I put my head down and walked slowly to my seat. All I could do was sit down and shut up.
“Sorry daddy,” I whispered. In reality he wasn’t really there. By the time my heart rate slowed and my temperature cooled I realized this. I had felt so confused.
I heard a rumbling as I stretched out on my back in the tall grass. I sat up quickly to see what was making the noise. I couldn’t see over the tall grass so I ran up the hill towards the front porch. John took the lawn mower out and he had started to mow trails throughout the lawn. I waited on the top step and watched as the maze appeared before me. I smiled and laughed as he neared completion. He turned off the mower and looked up at me.
“Come on Nat! Try and get through it,” he shouted at me. I shrieked as I started out on the path before me. I threw my backpack off and ran in. Unable to see the end of the maze, I took a number of wrong turns, but I just laughed harder as I continued to make my way through. I wouldn’t stop, I didn’t want too. I eventually reached the exit. I ran excitedly out onto the wide open field. I smiled, feeling so happy that he made the exit facing the vast empty field. I tumbled onto the ground and looked up at the big sky. All I could think of is the freedom that one day would be mine. John smiled as he held his hand out to me. I grabbed it and he pulled me up. I hugged him quickly.
“Thank you John! This is so awesome,” I squealed. We both laughed as we ran back in, to try and find Luke.
Of course that joy had been quickly extinguished when my father arrived home and demanded John go out and ‘finish the job he had started’. It didn’t matter to him that it was almost midnight. I cried again.
~~~
“She’s laughing again,” Carlos shouted. Hayden just left the tent to retrieve some food. He rushed back in when he heard Carlos shout.
“What do you mean laughing again?” Clive asked, following Hayden back in to the tent.
“This is the second time we have heard her laughing, faintly of course, but still laughing,” Carlos said excitedly. Hayden bent down and listened. A tear drop fell onto his finger as he touched her cheek.
“She isn’t laughing Carlos, at least she isn’t anymore,” Hayden sighed.
“Luke is with her right?” Clive asked.
“I believe so. I brought him here. He saw Natalie. Once I told him what you suggested, about looking for a time instead of a place, he was gone,” he explained. Clive looked Natalie over.
“Come, eat, both of you,” Clive ushered them out.
~~~
When I opened my eyes Luke had vanished again. I looked around noticing the maze has been mowed down completely. It appeared as just a big lawn.
“Where am I supposed to go now?” I asked, wishing someone would reply with an answer.
“Hayden, I’m trying to get back to you. I miss you,” I spoke loudly wishing he would come find me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to go to the next place I thought of. I still don’t really understand what is going on, all I can do is just let go. I could be in a coma or I could be dead. I could be stuck in that in-between place the spirits have told me about, but the frustrating difference is that they could go between the actual living world and this one. They weren’t trapped here like I am.
“Luke!” I shouted. He is my only link to the living right now, I needed him. I laughed, thinking I am supposed to be the one helping him.
“You should try and find your body. It’s still in the woods.” I jumped when Luke appeared beside me.
“Ok, but I’m not sure where I left it. When I still remained in my body I didn’t know where I was, I had been running, not sure of the direction I headed in. Something had been chasing me,” I tried to remember what happened and where I was before all of this started happening to me.
“Death chased you Natalie. You have lived your life surrounded by it. You seek it. You creep around in dark places searching for it but you are afraid of it aren’t you?” Luke seemed different. He would never talk to me like this.
“You are mistaken. I am not afraid of dying. Why are you saying this to me? If death sought me out than I know I would not have been able to hide from it. No one can hide from death when it’s after you,” I told him as I looked away. My surroundings began to change again.
“Natalie, if I told you that you were dead you would be frightened, you would be sad. Admit it,” Luke continued.
“Of course I would be sad. I haven’t had a chance to say good bye to Hayden,” I tried to be honest with Luke.
“I still want to live. I want to experience life. I want to experience a life with Hayden,” I cried.
“You’re here. It won’t be long now. You will see Hayden again soon Natalie, just don’t give up. Don’t accept this as your fate,” he said.
The image of Luke in front of me transformed in to a woman I haven’t seen in a very long time. The last time I saw her I was in the hospital. She wheeled herself out front my door in a wheelchair. I saw her from my bed as she went past my open door. She had stopped to warn me about someone not being who they appeared to be and yet here she was, imitating my brother.
“Hi Elizabeth, have you come to g
ive me more confusing advice?” I asked bitterly. I didn’t like being tricked by her.
“Hello Natalie. I’m here to help you actually, as I said I always would. Do you remember that time in your room when you were little? I meant to tell you then that I will always protect you, I am your angel, whether you like me or not. I am going to help you get back to where you belong. The light inside you will lead you home, don’t you know that?” she smiled. I stared at her blankly, still not trusting her. For an angel, she never appeared when I needed her the most.
“It is time for you to stop listening to all the voices in your head. You have to close them out. You have to be silent and agree to be led. You have to be moved by the breeze Natalie, like you did when you were a little girl. Just let go of it all,” she spoke in such a calm voice. She made me feel calm and hopeful again. I did as she said, I stopped trying to think. I stopped fighting it. I allowed the light to shine out of me. I relaxed my muscles and let the warm familiar breeze take me away this time. I don’t think I have ever felt so relaxed, comfortable and at peace in my entire life. I slowly closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep. I was surrounded in darkness but I wasn’t afraid. I was safe. I was asleep, or so I thought.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“I think it may be time to bring her in to a hospital Hayden,” Clive said, without hiding the worry he felt. Hayden glanced from him to Carlos, looking tired and confused.
“Really Clive, I thought if we moved her she wouldn’t be able to find her body again. I think it’s still too soon. She still has a pulse. She hasn’t been gone more than seven days yet. Her vitals are still good,” Hayden questioned this suggestion but knew Clive was right.
“Hayden, it’s been four days since she’s eaten. She can only drink a small amount of water at a time. Her body will fade before she returns if we don’t get her help now,” Clive explained, he wouldn’t wait for any excuses. He left the tent and began to pack up the camp. He prepared a spot for Natalie in the truck. Hayden leaned over her and listened for her breath. He held her hands and sighed.
“You have to come back now darling, before it’s too late,” Hayden spoke with such a mix of anger and anguish. He stood up and began to pack the clothes and blankets in the tent. He picked up the bag and pulled the tent flap back. Hayden stepped out and passed the bag to Carlos. He stretched his hands over his head and looked up at the early morning sun rising over the trees.
“I love sunrises,” Hayden heard the voice he has been listening to in his sleep over the last few nights. He thought at first it might be just in his head, until he heard Carlos shout.
“Natalie!”
Hayden swung around. He reached out, afraid to touch me. I smiled and reached my arms out to hug him. I knew I was back, this isn’t a dream. Hayden couldn’t hold his tears back as they poured from his eyes.
“Natalie, are you ok? Are you hurt?” Hayden needed to be sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me.
“Well, actually I think I’m hungry,” I smiled as he held me close.
Clive looked me over, took my pulse, he listened to my heartbeat. When he felt confident there wasn’t anything physically wrong with me he sat back and stared at me. I sighed with relief, happy to be back in the apartment but it didn’t seem the same. It felt different somehow, the air, the light, the view from the living room window. Everything seemed a little bit different. I’m calm but there is something not quite right here. I took in a deep breath as I looked up at Clive, slowly breathing out.
“What can I tell you? What can I possibly say that would even come close to explaining where I have been? It seemed so far away, so unreal yet completely true. It’s like I existed somewhere close but still unreachable. I needed help but couldn’t call for it. I believe I lingered in a sort of limbo, not alive and not dead. I’ve been alone Clive, so alone,” I tried to explain but I just couldn’t get it right. He held my hand as a single tear rolled down my cheek.
“You’re not alone anymore Natalie. You have all of us and all the Seekers as your family now, you know this right? You will never be alone again. Hayden and Carlos never left your side the whole time you were gone, I just think you should know that too,” he smiled and squeezed my hand. Hayden came into the room, showered and changed. He looked so beautiful I just wanted to hold him and never be away from him again.
“I am starving Natalie and I know you must be too. I’m just going to run out and get us all something,” Hayden said as he kissed my cheek and walked toward the door. I panicked. I could barely make a sound as he placed his hand on the doorknob. My hands shook, I began to sweat. I tried to speak as a quite moan escaped from my lips.
“Hayden, let me go instead,” Clive interjected after witnessing my sudden panic attack.
“Um, how about we just order in, delivery ok with everyone? Let me take care of it Clive,” Hayden said, his voice sounding unsteady as he spoke. I think he has started to feel the unease in here too.
“Should we wake Carlos?” I asked. He had recently gone to take a nap in the den.
“No, we’ll wait till the food arrives. I have a feeling he may need his rest,” Clive is catching on quickly to the unsettledness surrounding us. I wanted to ask them to stay for a few days, until I knew that Abigail and Stella were gone too. I knew it’s something else though that’s causing this. I felt like I had changed somehow and I needed their help.
As I looked out over the city I began to understand why I felt so anxious since I arrived back here. I had to tell Clive and Hayden that I still had a foot in the other realm. A part of me is still there or I have somehow brought it back with me. When Hayden returned to the room he sat beside me on the sofa. Clive positioned himself opposite us. I tried to sit still, as the uncomfortable silence surrounded us. They wanted me to talk but didn’t know how to ask the questions they needed answers too. I tried to smile at both of them. I folded my hands and placed them on my lap. Hayden reached over and covered my hands with his.
“I am with you Natalie. We will get through this together and if we can’t get through it I will stay with you in it,” he squeezed my hands gently and then looked to Clive. He understands something isn’t right yet.
“I am with you too, but I have told you this already. Natalie, you have to be open with us. You can’t keep secrets. You have to tell us where you are at now. It’s the only way we can help,” he sighed as he sat back in his chair.
“I’m not sure how to explain this but I believe a part of me is still in that other place, in that other realm,” I paused, feeling a soft change in the air surround me.
“No, that’s not right either. It’s more like something from that realm has followed me here. I could see the dead before but now, now it’s more. It’s like they are in me, in my head. I am not safe from them here anymore either,” I knew I still wasn’t describing this right. Only time will tell how this changes my life, but what I did know is that life as I once knew it will never be the same again.
“Hey, were you guys going to let me sleep all night or what?” Carlos came bounding out of the room. I sighed in relief. I didn’t want to talk anymore.
I was ravenous as I ate dinner. I couldn’t get enough. Once I finished I just wanted to crawl into bed. Exhaustion came over me quickly. I said goodnight and left the room in what seemed like a dream. As I laid there on the bed I could hear the three of them talking, but I’m too tired to listen to them, I faded into sleep.
When I awoke I walked out of the room, wearing a long white nightgown. Hayden must have bought this for me. I touched the lace that ran from my neck down to my legs. I walked out onto the balcony through the open sliding doors. I stood looking out on to the city lights glowing in the darkness. I looked up at the night sky and bathed in the glow of the full moon. I didn’t notice that I had climbed up onto the railing and balanced on it with my bare feet until I felt Hayden’s hands gripping my waist. He grabbed me and carried me in to the apartment, placing me down on the couch. He closed the slidi
ng doors that led to the balcony and pulled the curtains closed, blocking out the night sky.
“Natalie, why were you out there?” Hayden gasped as he stood in front of me. I didn’t really know why I felt drawn to the balcony.
“I wish I knew Hayden. I actually don’t even remember climbing up on the railing either,” I told him, looking up, trying to hide the fear I felt consuming me. I looked down at the pajamas I now had on. The nightgown must have been part of a dream. I must have been sleepwalking, I thought.
Clive and Carlos were leaving today. They had to go back to Argentina. I really didn’t want them to be so far away. I felt like I needed them to stay, they were leaving too soon. I held Carlos close to me as we said our goodbyes. I reached for his hand and whispered in his ear. Hayden caught a glimpse of this and quickly turned away. Carlos seemed confused as he held my gaze. Just as he began to say something, Clive wrapped his arms around me and said goodbye. I held Carlos’s attention as I said good-bye to Clive. I reached for his hand again before he turned away from me, squeezing it hard.
“Please take care of your-self Natalie and if you need us, remember we are all here for you,” Clive said as he kissed my cheek then turned and walked out. I couldn’t handle this parting. I wished they would stay, I needed them to stay. Hayden will need them too, which is what I had whispered to Carlos. I told him it wasn’t over yet.
The next night I awoke at midnight and quietly snuck out of bed again. I walked out to the living room. With my arms out stretched I began to spin around the room. I wasn’t in the apartment anymore. I began twirling in a meadow filled with beautiful yellow, white and purple flowers, or so I thought. Actually I twirled violently around the living room, knocking books off the shelves, paintings fell off the walls and the black vase Hayden had once put my red roses in crashed into pieces on the floor. I danced over it all in my bare feet. I don’t know how long Hayden has been in the room with me, watching in fear. I could hear someone calling me, but it sounded so far away. As soon as I felt Hayden’s hands on my shoulders, holding me down, I snapped out of the trance. The field of flowers vanished. I understood then that I had never been in a field. I moaned as I went limp in Hayden’s arms. He picked me up out of the glass and held me close. I could feel him trembling as he stroked my cheek with his fingers.
