by Trey Martini
“Right on!” Jon laughs. “Gramps showed us your old water polo team tapes, Dads. You two can put that snot in the penalty box. ESPN: Jesuit v. Jesuit action–maybe they’ll throw in some over-priced season tickets.”
Tony laughs out loud at the enthusiastic responses. “Remember what Nana taught us–you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. We’re supposed to be the civilized side. Of course I’m worried about Roe. The attacks on Planned Parenthood should scare all of us. Opposition to abortion rights has fueled evangelical fires for decades. There are several pro-life cases that are working their way through the courts now, and I know the religious right wants to challenge the ruling, maybe as soon as the next session.” Tony’s expression shows that he’s worried. He takes a long pull on his glass of wine.
“Justice Kennedy was really the swing voice of reason in the culture wars these last few terms,” Meryl chimes in with her thoughts, “we know that jelqing Jesuit will swing the court as far right as he can.”
“Jelqing Jesuit!” Tony laughs so hard a bit of the wine comes back up his nose.
Liam lovingly pats away Tony’s spill and carries on. “Now, do you see why Marie is so concerned about all these culture wars? We’re all in real danger. And by ‘all’ I mean all Americans.”
Marie pushes on. “As I said before the boys side-tracked me, we women mobilized fast, we made a lot of progress in the mid-terms and bought ourselves some time and influence to fight for Roe when the issue comes up again. We all need to be prepared if marriage equality needs support this session or next.”
"We have three lawyers in the room–think!” Jon joins in. “Think how inspiring it would be if you found a loophole to save marriage equality–a way to put the dispute to bed for good–a solution that lets both sides of the culture war win this time.”
Tony speaks frankly. "I don’t see a win-win solution–not any time soon. Why should I put up with some second-class marriage that’s respected in some states and still under siege in others? Even if we get married in California, we still can't hold hands everywhere in the country. I'll say 'I do' when everyone in America has free choice and the public goodwill to go along with it.”
Luke pipes up. "You should have been a nun if you're that into being a martyr. Man-up. Get hitched, Dude."
Tony gives Luke a quick hug. "You want my opinion? In some ways, and in some places, the legalization of gay marriage may have created more divisiveness, and not more equality. Gay marriage has been a part of the polarization of the country. You’re not going to like what I have to say on the issue.”
“So what’s new, Dad? Just tell us. Man-up, I said.” Luke reaches over and steals a gulp from Tony’s glass of wine.
Tony finishes the glass and starts: “I honestly don’t think the evangelicals and conservatives should be forced by a majority of strangers or even the Supreme Court to share the word marriage. The word is as important to the conservatives as it is to us. Besides, some things are just private."
Liam puts down his spoon and puts his arms around Tony's waist. "This isn’t private. Looks like the majority of family here would like us to get married."
Tony looks at Luke tenderly. "We all need to learn from Mandela and Gandhi. Yes, the majority can rule, but respect needs to be given to those who disagree. They're Americans too.”
“Don’t remind me,” Marie couldn’t hold the comment in but lets her father continue.
“We don't want to rub their faces in a narrow judicial or ballot-box victory. Justice comes when you get your issue supported by the people and then made into law. In order for that law to really be settled, you need to convince the opposition that the law is just. That can be the most difficult part. If the other side doesn’t accept the solution, you have what we have now–culture wars.”
Liam continues where Tony has left off. “OK. I’ve known you half my life and recognize your stubborn streak. Let’s see if the rest of us can get you on board with a plan. You’re as obstinate on the left as Joe Six-pack on the right. I agree that we need to begin by being gracious and respectful to those who are upset because they’ve lost a round in court. I can also agree that it’s time for the LGBT community to reach out in peace to those who still aren’t happy with our win. We do seem to be in a position of strength on the issue today and our position may weaken quickly with recent court appointees. One way to defuse the agenda of the White House and their puppets on the Supreme Court would be to calm the anger in their power base. We need to reach out to the other side–to that 30%–so our win is a win for everybody. The happier everyone is, the more we can enjoy our own equal status."
Anthony Morrelli speaks up now. The older man stands tall and shows the wisdom that has earned him respect in his long career. "Finally, you got it right. I was worried about you guys for a minute there. Nana had exactly the same opinion twenty years ago on this very same issue. And she also had an idea about how to deal with this same problem. Her idea twenty years ago makes a lot of sense today." Anthony scans the family. "I hope you kids remember how much she hated to see people fighting. She’d always look for a compromise to try and keep everyone happy."
Luke interrupts. "I remember how she made our birthday cake half chocolate for me and half pink for Baby Jonny."
Jon tweaks his brother's ear. "Strawberry, asshole."
Anthony smiles. "I’d forgotten about that. But it’s a good example, Luke. You two scoundrels would fight over anything and Nana found her way to make peace through that crazy cake. That was the way she lived her life." Anthony sniffles without undermining the wisdom in his voice. "We were on the only vacation we ever took overseas–to England and Italy–when Nana had what she always called her ‘inspiration’."
Tony smiles. "I remember–you and Momma stopped in New York on the way there to visit me." Tony turns to Liam and corrects himself. "To visit us."
"When we saw you and Bill in your little apartment, Nana knew what was going on the minute she looked in your eyes."
Tony is surprised. "I remember her crying. I thought she was ashamed."
Anthony’s look is stern. "This is your mother you're talking about. Never ever underestimate her intelligence or kindness. Especially now that she's gone." Anthony softens again. "She was crying because you looked so happy. And because she was so worried about what you’d have to go through to keep that happiness.”
Meryl reaches over to tenderly wipe a tear from Anthony’s eye.
Anthony continues, “As an English teacher, Nana always looked into words–more deeply than people like me."
Meryl hands Anthony a marker as he moves to the whiteboard mounted on the refrigerator. He writes two words and moves aside so everyone can see them: "Look. Marry and Merry. They sound the same. In your mother's mind, they meant the same thing–exactly the same thing. This crazy country has been fixated on who has the right to use one word–marriage–like the word is so holy only God’s chosen people can use it. Nana went to mass every day of her life and nobody had more respect for the word marriage than she did. But she also lived by a Bill of Rights that gave everyone a right to be free."
The room is quiet. Tony reaches over to turn off the oven and listens closely, his arm wrapped around Liam.
Anthony goes on. "In the single word, marriage, Nana saw the potential for two words different by only one vowel: marriage with an ‘A’ and marriage with an ‘E’. Pronounce them the same. We have English words spelled the American way and the British way. We can have a word spelled a liberal way and the conservative way. You lawyers can get creative and call that a precedent."
“Like our birthday cakes!” Luke likes the idea.
Anthony looks around to make sure he has the support and understanding of the group. "Nana's idea. The idea of a devout Catholic and English teacher 20 years ago, was to make peace through that word–with the word. Spell ‘marriage’ like it is for the more conservative Americans who like things the way they have always been. With that, the Bible Belt thinks
they won. But also allow the word ‘merriage’ to be spelled with an E for those who want the same rights and want to use the spirit of the word themselves. Since the liberals pride themselves in being just that–a little more willing to bend–let them take the rights to be married with an E. Make the process simple. When you take out a marriage license–or whatever–why not have both marriage with an A and merriage with an E as choices. Separate but equal definitions of matrimony. Two boxes. Two choices. Check one.”
"So where does that get us?" Luke is listening but confused.
Anthony smiles indulgently at his grandson. "On the marriage license, a very private document, check the box you want. Both have the same rights–including inheritance, adoption–all that small print. You check that box just one time on your marriage license and that’s the only time the word, the issue, will ever come up."
Luke resists, “I still don’t get it.
Marie helps explain. "Luke, you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. All the tight-asses check marriage with an A on their license. That’s the sacred one man, one-woman marriage in the Bible or wherever. Gays get to check merriage with an E and merry a member of the same sex. Anyone sick of all the anti-gay BS gets merried with an E if they want. The more the merrier."
Jon gets with the program. "Makes sense. Let’s face it, marriage–with an A–has become a dirty word to lots of us. I like Nana’s idea. Let the rednecks have marriage with the A. A for 'Assholes'. "
Anthony scolds. "I don't think that was actually the spirit of Nana's idea, Jon. But, you're right in a way. Rather than fight for an old word that has gotten so bloodied over the years, why not fight for a new word, a word that means tolerance? Gay activists may want to keep fighting to use the sacred word marriage, with the original spelling. That’s their right and we respect it. But we also believe our proposal will bring peace faster to a wider population. Our cause has such a simple solution–everybody can get behind it." Maybe just have both spellings on the license with a slash between them ‘marry/merry’. Whatever. There just needs to be a compromise–somehow.
Anthony turns to Tony and speaks tenderly. "When Nana saw you and Bill–Liam together she knew–we knew then what was going on in your life. More than anything, we wanted you to be happy. When we left New York for Rome we went through London and stayed in the West End to see a few shows.
One night Nana went to an old church in London and I went to a pub. That’s where Nana had her little miracle–the idea of the two spellings for marriage. I liked it right off too. A compromise. We always taught all of you that all God's children deserved his love."
Marie hugs her grandfather. "Instead of the government, the states, whatever, and both sides spending a billion dollars on this fight and clogging the courts forever, everybody just gets over this and accepts the power of the vowel."
Luke disagrees. "Tight asses will still bitch. The Mormons will keep funding the spirit of the war in the bakeries and in the red states. They’ll argue that this is about religious freedom–just like they fought Proposition 8."
Marie likes the discussion. "The Mormons get to keep their marriage with an A. Todd, do you think the Marriotts will still bitch?"
Todd laughs at the reference. "The Marriotts lost lots of money when they fought Proposition 8 a few years back. They want a Mormon in the White House and in order to get one, they need to behave. There’s a deep divide at the core of the church."
Jon sees a chance for a joke. "So I heard. Conservative Mormons say Jesus drove to Utah in a covered wagon but the liberals say it was a Rambler with Michigan plates."
Marie surprises them all. "Show some respect."
Luke doesn't get it. "Respect? Respect for what?"
Tony answers calmly. "Diversity."
Liam gives Tony a hug. "Nice one."
Todd takes over, his eyes fixed on the show of affection between Tony and Liam. "Mormons plan far ahead as a group. This could open the door to legalizing plural marriages, which conservative Mormons still want. I think they’ll leave us alone on this one. Any man who would want to have more than one wife sounds way insane to me but it’s really none of my business. I vote for whatever."
Anthony remembers something else. "I have another Nana story." He has a wistful look in his eyes. "We were in Italy. DaVinci's art and inventions were everywhere–and they are breathtaking. I'll never forget the moment. We were at Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel. Nana was clearly moved by the beauty but her mind was still on Tony and Bill. As we left the room she made a great joke. Something like 'a straight man would have just painted the ceiling white'. I laughed so loud they almost threw us out of there. More than a thousand years ago, two of the greatest minds, greatest artistic talents in history, were so respected for their achievements that what they did in their private lives was ignored by society. I'd rather not even be talking about this personal issue. But since we are, let’s just go for the easy compromise with the vowels and have another drink."
Liam reaches over and gives Anthony a hug. "Thank you for sharing that with us, Pops." Liam grins tenderly at Tony and goes on to lecture a bit himself. "I've had a lot of time to think about this issue. People all over the world value two things above all, freedom and love. Personally, I agree that everybody is entitled to marriage with an "A". But, more than this, as a psychiatrist and therapist, I’ve always been interested in trying to figure out why people are so reluctant to love and so willing to hate. Love is a pure emotion–sometimes it happens at first sight,” Liam winks at Tony, “but hate is complex. We hate for many different reasons, usually because someone has taught us how or why to hate. I think we need to understand that the haters in society are fragile and wounded individuals who are working hard to repress their natural instinct to love.”
“Whoa,” Jon laughs, “don’t go all Dr. Phil on those haters. Show us some Judge Judy.”
Liam laughs out loud at Jon’s interruption. “Maybe later. But now I’d like to share my professional diagnosis of those conservative leaders. They deserve our understanding–and even our love.”
“Go ahead, this ought to be interesting.” Jon speaks for everyone.
“I’ll keep it simple. I’ll try not to be mean spirited. But, I think certain people just won’t admit they had help becoming successful. They’ve convinced themselves they’re self-made and don’t owe anyone else a thing.”
“Like Goldilocks claiming he inherited very little and worked hard for his money, even though he inherited almost half a billion bucks and destroyed the Jersey shore with his casino bankruptcies.” Marie makes a reference everyone understands.
“Yes,” Liam continues, “that sort of person seems to have a deep inferiority complex. They need to inflate their self-worth and accomplishments. By itself, their need for self-aggrandizement is generally harmless. But, these people often want to downgrade the achievements of others in order to make themselves look better.”
“Like those who call others ‘low IQ’ because they want to make themselves seem smarter,” Marie suggests.
“Or those who praise white supremacists so they can dump on everyone else,” Jon adds.
“Those are both good examples,” Liam agrees. “But my main point is that the people who are so strongly opposed to marriage equality and other culture-war issues are sensitive themselves. They have personality problems–and we need to recognize that and treat them carefully. Some of them are so filled with rage now that they can explode at any time. The last thing we need is to upset them even more. They have very vocal leaders who take every opportunity to stoke their fire.” Liam is clearly worried about the future.
Tony shakes his head in agreement with Liam and adds his own: “Exactly. We need to work carefully to change the minds of those who are still bitter. We need to avoid confrontation and any sign of past disagreements–we need to find a common ground. Make everybody think they're the winner.”
Liam speaks again: “The more I think about it, the more I like the com
promise of the two vowels. That could move the conservatives to acceptance faster than nationwide demonstrations or years fighting bakers in court. I think Nana got that compromise just right." Liam points his finger at Tony. "Now, cowboy, it's your job to sell the idea to the courts so we can get hitched."
Marie doesn't even bother to slam Liam for his cornball proposal to her father. She's the expert now. "It’s the best conciliation I can see. A way to put the cost of fighting the lingering resistance over wedding cakes and religious rights and all the other stuff people keep dredging up. Go for a compromise so everybody can just move on. It’s a way for millions to save face and millions more to get a life. It’s not perfect, but it may be a way to chill one of the hot buttons in this culture war.”
Meryl adds more background. "Actually Tony, several of us have been talking about Nana’s idea quite a bit the last few months. A lot of very influential people are excited about the potential for this out-of-the-box solution.” Meryl gives Anthony a hug. Tony's eyes light up. "Tony, history may show that your mother had a great legal mind of her own." Anthony and Tony smile broadly.
Meryl continues, her hand dropping to hold Anthony's. "We’re willing to pay for the costs of any legal action you may take. And by “we” I mean several retired colleagues of my father. They are former judges themselves–men of wisdom and vision. Frankly, we’re not even sure if or how the courts will want to consider what is essentially a spelling issue. But the spelling part of the issue here is vital–because it could conceivably settle the issue. In recent years, the courts have been promoting mediation in difficult cases and that’s really at the core of what we’re trying to do here.” Meryl stops to tousle Luke’s hair while Marie continues.
"We want to keep this low key. Try to head off the conservatives trying to amend state constitutions or whatever to undo what the Feds have done. Just shoot for a dual spelling of the word marriage. Maybe just go for a forward slash." Marie goes to the backboard and writes ‘marriage/merriage’.
