by J. P. Grider
The band made the decision to begin playing together immediately, so we were heading down the shore this weekend. Today. I had just finished loading my car with my luggage, when Mara pulled up the drive. This was the part I was dreading. Saying Goodbye to Mara.
Mara and I had gotten close over the past two and a half months. Not only was she doing an awesome job training me (I was actually looking pretty ripped), but our friendship was beginning to deepen. We would take a morning jog together, everyday. We’d go for coffee after every run. And, we had been suddenly gaining insight to one another on a different level. She had become my best friend. So saying goodbye to her today was going to be piercingly painful.
“Mara, you didn’t have to come by. I told you I would swing by your house when I was done. I wouldn’t leave without seeing you.”
“I know, but I couldn’t just sit there. I thought I’d see if you needed any help.”
As Mara closed the space between us, I pulled her toward me with my hands on her waist and kissed her passionately. Her arms, outstretched, wrapped behind my neck as I moved my hands to both sides of her face. It was a poignant kiss. And she was crying. I felt the moisture beneath my hands. Using my thumbs, I ineffectively wiped her tears. She couldn’t stop. “Mara.” I felt a lump rise up into my throat, while embracing her with all my strength. I did not want to let her go. Evidently, my hug was too strong, because I heard Mara gasp beneath me. “I’m sorry.” I said as I loosened my hold around her.
“You’ve gotten pretty strong there, Tagg.” She playfully squeezed my bicep muscle.
“I know. What am I going to do without you?” I joked.
“You know what to do. Just keep up with the push-ups and pull-ups. Keep running. You’ll be fine. I have faith in you.” She actually took me seriously, when I really didn’t know how I’d get by emotionally without her. She had thought I’d be lost without her workouts.
My expression fell flat, my tone, serious. “I don’t think that’s what I meant, Mara. I mean, truly, what will I do without you? You have been my lifeline these past months. I think I’m afraid to be without you.” I took a dramatic pause. “You put the laughter back in my life. Without you, Mara, I’d still be sitting in that recliner everyday. Reliving that nightmare over and over and over. I’m not sure I’ll get by each day.”
Mara put her palm to my face. “Tagg, you’ll get through each day the same way you have been. With your head held high. I haven’t been your lifeline, sweetie, I just happened to be by your side while you started living again.” Mara tapped my chest with her fingertips. “In here… I will be with you. Besides, you can always call me.” Then she laughed, “Plus, you’re only going to be a few hours away. I love the Jersey Shore. I can’t wait to visit.”
Why didn’t I think of that? “You’re right. We won’t be rehearsing all the time. You can come down every weekend. Or, if you prefer, I can come back here on the weekends.” Then I had a sudden thought, one I didn’t really think through thoroughly, but wished for anyway. “Mara, why don’t you come with me now? Stay with me. I have plenty of room?”
“Tagg, I have my job here. Even if I could get coverage for my classes, my clients are counting on me. I can’t just cancel. I would let them down. Besides, what would I tell my mom?”
“Tell her you met the man of your dreams and you’re moving in with him.” I hoped, suddenly remembering she had recently pushed me away, not wanting to be my rebound person.
Mara started laughing. Not the reaction I was hoping for or expected. I thought, at least, she would let me down easily. “You know, Tagg, you always were the man of my dreams… when I was fourteen.” Bang. “Then I met Bradley.” Shot right through the heart.
I tried to keep the energy light, but still, I sighed. “And at that time I was no longer the object of your nightly wishes?”
“No. I guess not.” Mara gazed down at the ground. She seemed to do that whenever she seemed uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. That’s not really what I meant.”
“It’s okay, Mara. I was teasing. I know you love Brad. If he were still alive, I know you wouldn’t even dream of kissing me.”
Mara nodded. Then she sighed. “But… he’s not alive.”
She didn’t embellish, so I couldn’t really gather what she had meant. He’s not alive, so I do dream about you? He’s not alive, but I still dream about him? I figured I wouldn’t press the issue. I didn’t want to cause her stress; she had been so kind to me. “Mara, visit me when you can?” I took on a serious tone, now. “I cherish your friendship, I really do. And as soon as we’re settled with a rehearsal schedule, I’ll let you know so we can work out a schedule of our own. Promise me, Mara. Promise me this isn’t goodbye.”
“I promise you that.” I took her into my arms again and held her head against my chest. I stroked her silky, dark-brown hair with my hand and kissed the top of her head. She looked up at me and kissed my mouth. “I’ll see you soon.” We parted. And, as I was getting into my ‘Vette, I turned to her and blew her a kiss. She caught it.
Chapter Eleven
The long driveway leading to my Somers’ Point house was a haunting sight, as dark and dead as my life was before I’d met Mara. The property, like my heart, had been uncared for, for far too long. But unlike my rising sun in the form of a 5’2” brunette, this house would never be plenished with the warm, incandescent light that she provided. I drove up the jagged path that led to my abandoned home. For the last couple of months I had almost escaped my past. But it all came rushing back. Standing in the center of the deserted land, I felt my culpability thundering inside of me, reminding me that, sometimes, …it is too late to start over.
I was having a panic attack. I hadn’t had one in such a long time that I didn’t even think I had anymore Xanax left to take. For the past couple of years my alcohol abuse had been calming my anxiety. I had only needed my anti-depressant, not the Xanax I used to take with it. But now, my heart was racing, my throat was closing and I was beginning to feel the earth move beneath me. I was alone and I was scared. What was I doing? I was right back where all the pain began. This wasn’t starting over. This was charging straight into an on-coming train.
Running my hand through my hair, I remained in my car and closed my eyes. I needed to think. Mara. She’s what I thought about. I had remembered how she calmed me after my visit from Auggie. I thought back to that first day at Mara’s house when she’d disclosed her unfortunate loss. Mara was living life as a regular member of society. Why couldn’t I?
Thinking about Mara had helped to bring my heart rate to a moderate pace. My lungs were opening and I was breathing in Mara’s courage. She was only a phone call away. She’d said it herself. I pressed her number on my speed dial, but it went straight to voicemail. Damn! “Mara, It’s Tagg. I made it down here…I’m having a hard time.” I took a deep breath. “It’s overwhelming. Call me as soon as you can.” I left the message, then rested my head against the back of my seat. But not for too long.
The guys were going to be arriving for rehearsal, so I had to manage to rid myself of the doubt and confront my fears. I got out of the car and slowly stood. Once I got my bearings, I felt a little better. I was retrieving my stuff from the car when I heard a rustling in the trees. “Hey. Who’s there?” It stopped. Maybe I was crazy. It had to be an animal. But, then I heard the stirring again. As I ran my eyes across the wooded area beside my house, I caught a glimpse of long blond hair blowing through the trees. “Hey!” I called again and swept toward her. The blond disappeared. At first I was spooked, but then I remembered that some of the female fans used to sneak around trying to get a glance at me all the time when I lived here. I’m sure someone probably heard I was coming back. Of course. My private life was getting a little less private these days, and I should just expect a fan or two to resurface.
It was time I faced the dread before me and enter the house. I solicitously entered through the front door. When I had actually resided here, the garage was whe
re I’d have entered, but currently I had no idea where the garage door opener was. The table in the entryway was covered in dust so thick it had reminded me of my recent life. The beautiful wood, hidden by years of neglect. I threw my keys on it and took a step forward.
All of the memories of that baneful night came charging back. The look of hurt on Crystal’s face when she had opened our bedroom door. The panic that enveloped me. The fear and immediate regret for what I had been doing with that nameless woman. The particular moment in which I began to despise everything I stood for. I was ashamed and I was sorry. But apologies were far too little and much, much too late. If I had owned a gun that night, I would have taken my life after I’d received the phone call. I wasn’t so in love with Crystal that I couldn’t live without her, but the shame, the guilt, the disgrace, I knew, would be enough to drive me mad. No, I never really did love Crystal in the way a husband loves a wife. Nor did she love me, in that manner. It was a marriage of mutual respect and compatibility. Until I’d lost her respect. And much, much more that night.
I hadn’t realized that I had dropped to the floor with my back against the door, until the doorbell rang. I wasn’t ready for Ronnie, Matty or Johnny, but I couldn’t just let them stand there. I got up, took a deep breath and opened the door. I broke down and cried, because standing at my front door, with her arms stretched out to hug me, was the person I’d least expected, but needed most. “Mara?” She embraced me while I released seven year’s worth of tears on her shoulder. Her hands on my back radiated through me, melting my anxiety. I kissed her forehead, then thanked her.
“What. Are. You. Doing here?” I managed to ask, in between sobs, as I led her to the kitchen.
She gave an empathetic tilt of her head, before she said, “After I left your house, I thought about the first time I had walked into the home I shared with Brad. After he had died, I stayed with my mom for a few months. I wasn’t able to go back home without him there. When I finally did, I could never have done it alone. If my mom hadn’t been there… I don’t think I would have made it.” She sighed a tiny sigh. “I thought you could use a friend… so, about fifteen minutes after you left, I headed your way. Your mom gave me directions.”
“Thank you, Mara.”
“I heard the message you left. Are you okay?”
I stood against the large island centered in my kitchen and glanced around the room. My breathing became irregular again, but I needed to set free the secret that was being held prisoner in my mind. The secret Mom had sheltered from the media. “You know, Mara, I wasn’t in love with Crystal. Sure, I loved her, but in that best friend sort of way.”
I guess I had caught Mara by surprise, because suddenly, she was shaking her head and backing away. “You don’t have to tell me this, Tagg. It’s not my business.”
“But I do.” I inhaled as much air as I could, because I’d realized I was holding my breath, afraid to let go. “All this time, all this guilt. It’s not only been about Crystal.” I began to feel a bit dizzy. “The night Crystal died…” This was more difficult than I had thought. Never have I said these words aloud. For so long, I had tried to bury the thought so deep I would eventually forget it. Never. I could never forget it. “The night she died…” Oh, dear Lord this was hard. “She was…” My breathing became short, airless gasps. “She was… seven months pregnant… with our son.” I cried like I had never cried before. My knees buckled beneath me. Mara held me as I slid down to the floor. Again. I couldn’t stop the sobbing. My tears were for my son. I was finally mourning the son I never knew. The son I never got to hold or play guitar with. The son whose life was ended before it began… because of my reckless infidelity.
I held my head in my hands while Mara stroked my neck. But it didn’t help. I had killed my little boy and now I couldn’t breath. I didn’t deserve to breathe.
Only, I really couldn’t breathe and I began to gasp for air. I was hyperventilating.
I sensed Mara leaving my side. It sounded like she was searching the kitchen for something. After a few moments of opening and closing cabinet doors, Mara came back with a small, brown paper bag and put it in my hands. Bringing the bag to my face, I attempted to take deep breaths until my breathing slowed and I’d lost the urge to pass out.
Mara was sitting on the floor next to me. I squeezed her hand. “Thank you,” came out broken and raspy, but I’d needed to say it. We sat there for some time. Silently. Soberly. Before the insanity began.
“Yo, Tagg, man, we’re here.”
“Yea, man, let’s get ready to rock.”
“It’s been forever, guy.”
I wasn’t sure who exclaimed what, but Ronnie, Matty and Johnny came barreling through the front door, equipment in hand. They were ready to start over. I was not. I guess I was about to see how good of an actor I could be.
“Hey.” I motioned to the band, and the door, because they had left it open, but when I started to close it, something caught my eye. I took a double take. There she was again. The blonde. Running from the side of the house into the bushes. “Guys?” I had to at least ask, “Did any of you bring a blonde with you?”
A blank stare, from everyone, is what I got. “Uh, no.”
“I must be seeing things.” And, then I dropped it. I’m sure it was that same girl. Probably a crazy fan.
“Tagg,” Ronnie turned toward me and then back at the kitchen. “You brought your trainer?” Ronnie was visibly upset.
Mara had been prudently heading toward us. “Hello.” She’d directed her greeting at Matt and Johnny, having already had the pleasure of meeting Ronnie.
Matt and John were both pleasant with their responses, not seeming to mind her company. “Hey, I’m Matt.”
“I’m Johnny.”
Ronnie had continued with his contemptuous ascertainment of Mara’s presence. “What the Hell? Why did you bring her?”
“What’s it to you?” I countered.
Then Mara jumped in. “I have a friend in the neighborhood, so I helped to transport some of Tagg’s stuff down from Sparta.” She turned in my direction and addressed me. “If you’re good, I’ll get going.”
I followed her out the door. “Mara, you don’t have to leave. I rather enjoy your company. I feel… at ease when you’re around.” I held her hands, “Stay.”
“I won’t be far. You have work to do and I’d just be in the way. I won’t leave for home until tomorrow morning. Give me a call when you’re done. We can go to the boardwalk, if you’re up to it.”
“Where are you staying? Do you really have a friend around here?”
She chuckled. “No, but there are plenty of hotels. I’ll get a room. Call me.”
“Stay here tonight, don’t stay in a hotel.”
“Um…I just don’t think that’s a great idea.”
I heard Ronnie groaning inside the house. Obviously, Mara had heard him also. I saw the tiniest hint of an eye roll. “I’m sorry, Mara. You came all this way and…” I froze. There she was again. The blonde. Standing behind a tree, several yards away. This was crazy.
Mara noticed my gaze beyond her. From the corner of my eye, I could see her turn to look over her shoulder. “What is it Tagg?”
But the blonde disappeared.
“Um…I…uh…think I just…” Saw a ghost? “I…thought I saw something. Never mind.” I just shrugged.
“Tagg, C’mon, we’re waiting man?” Ronnie bellowed.
I rolled my eyes, then closed them.
“Call my cell if you need me, Tagg. I’m leaving in the morning. I have a client at two tomorrow.”
“Okay, Mara, thanks.”
I watched her get in her car, wishing I could just hop in and go with her, wanting to be with her and not here. In the past.
Chapter Twelve
Picking up my guitar again felt curiously satisfying. Invigorating. I plugged it in, turned on the amp and played my first chord. The chord turned into a riff; the riff into a song. I actually allowed the music to take
over while a current of electricity surged through me. The blood pumped rhythmically as my years’ worth of torment manifested euphoniously in my music. My crippling isolation was my punishment for an act so very immoral, but I could have never fathomed it would make me a better musician. My soul took over as conductor of my talent… and that is when I realized, I had evolved. I had grown. And not just in age. I may have done something dark and stupid, but maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t that person anymore. If I could feel my music deep down, I could heal my soul. There was hope after all. Maybe I could still make room for the performer I was, yet reach the man I wanted to be. Needed to be.
The guys and I called it quits for the night. It was a surprisingly awesome session and we’d rehearse again the next day. Since the guys didn’t live all that close, they would stay with me during the week and return to their homes on the weekend. However, it was almost nine-o’clock in the evening and I needed to see Mara before she left in the morning. I called her cell. She answered on the first ring.
“Hello?” Even though I knew she knew it was me, she still answered the phone with a question. As if caller id hadn’t existed.
“Hey Mara. It’s Tagg.” And even though I knew she knew it was me, I still told her so.
“Hi Tagg. How’d it go?”
“Great. Wonderfully, actually. Is it too late to see you?” I hoped not.
“No, of course not. I’m staying at The Impala on…”
“I know where it is.” I interrupted. “I’m in my car, already over the bridge. I’ll be there in five.”
“Okay. See you then.”
Five minutes later, I was at The Impala and Mara was standing outside in the parking lot. I pulled into an empty space on the street and put my change into the meter.
“Hey Mara.”
“Hey Tagg.”
I entwined my fingers in her’s and kissed her on the cheek. “So, you want to take a walk on the boardwalk?”
