“Not stupid, but perhaps too trusting. You were not to know that some men have no honor.” He could not see, but he thought she was crying as she swiped something off her cheek. “You have to let go of this inner anger. As protected as you were, at seventeen you were never equipped to deal with a man like Carmichael. There is no shame in that. You are far too hard on yourself and if you hold on to the anger it will ruin the rest of your life.”
She did not respond but merely kept looking out the window. The carriage rolled on and silence reigned. He closed his eyes and began to catalog in his head all the people he’d met today. Who might be hiding secrets? He already knew they had to start by talking with Travis, and then they would make their way to the gentlemen’s boxing club where Jamie had been repeatedly seen over the past few weeks.
A soft voice broke his train of thought. “I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had obeyed my father and married the Prussian prince. But now that I have my freedom, I’m thankful I had the courage to follow my heart and elope with Carmichael. I have heard the prince is still alive and well, so I would not have my freedom right now and I relish it completely. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No. However, I think you relish your freedom because your life up to now has been—horrid, to say the least. You may have had a better life married to your prince.”
She sighed and closed her eyes. “I think that is what will always haunt me, the ‘what if.’ What if I’d chosen a better man? What if I’d married the prince? What if Carmichael had not died?”
He reached for her hand and gripped it tightly. “Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself. I know what that is like. What if I wasn’t going blind? What if my father had not killed himself?” Her beautiful blue eyes flashed open and he saw how haunted she was. “We cannot change the past so why give it any of our energy? We must decide how to move forward. Decide what it is we want from life and hope that we can achieve it.”
“Well said for a man who is thinking of giving up on life all because he cannot see.”
He dropped her hand and sat back, speechless. There was nothing to say because he could not deny the truth. He had been thinking exactly that. His heart stuttered in his chest. Had been thinking?
“Life is complicated, is it not?” she said with a knowing smirk on her face. “Our lives change so quickly that sometimes the plan we once had for ourselves has to be adjusted.”
To his consternation, meeting Penelope was changing his life, or more precisely changing him. At the moment he wanted to deny her words but like sipping a fine French brandy, she was slowly intoxicating him.
How ironic that just as his sight was the worst it had ever been, he met a woman who, for the first time in his life, made him doubt his plan. Penelope made him wish like hell he could be the man she needed. A man who could give her what she desired most in the world—a child. But even though he had no control over his traitorous heart, he vowed deep in his soul never to father a child. He would never go back on his word. He would be selfish beyond measure to think of his own desires when any child he bore could face a life of blindness. Could he do that? Have everything at such a cost?
He looked at the beautiful, kind, intelligent woman sitting opposite him and decided he would do everything in his power to show her what she would miss if she remained a widow spinster. She was still young. She should have children and find the love of a good husband. He would help her with her fear of passion and teach her about desire and show her what she deserved in her life. Then he would help her find a man who could give her his heart and everything else she deserved.
He would find her a husband.
Chapter 11
After dinner Dorothea asked Stephen to take her for a walk around the garden. The evening was mild and with a shawl around her shoulders, Dorothea slipped her arm in his and they strolled toward the rose gardens at the front of the house.
“Is everything all right, Dor?” He was concerned since it was obvious Dor wanted to talk to him alone.
“Everything is perfect. I’m so happy. Jonathan is wonderful and I count my blessings that I met a man like him.” She hugged his arm. “He reminds me a lot of you.”
Stephen laughed. “Me? I don’t think so. He’s not nearly as handsome.”
“Stop. He is to me.” She slapped his arm with her hand. “He might not be the rake that you were, but he is kind, honorable, intelligent, and has a big heart.”
They started walking again. “I would never have let you marry him if he was not good enough for you.”
“I haven’t told Mother yet but I just had to share my news. I’m with child, and I am so excited. You’re going to be an uncle.”
He stopped and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. “You’ll make a wonderful mother. I’m so proud and happy for you.”
She rested her head on his chest and sighed. “I just wish you’d stop gallivanting around and find someone to love.” She looked up at him. “I hate seeing you all alone.”
“I’m rarely alone, Dor. I have friends, family—”
“Lovers? It’s not the same as finding that special person to build a life with. You do want to build a life? I know you have to marry to provide the next heir, but please don’t simply marry for duty. A lifetime is a long time with the wrong person.”
He remained silent. What could he say? “I’m never marrying”? He’d have to say why and he did not wish to frighten her by telling her the truth.
He pushed her gently out of his arms and they continued walking.
“I was hoping this interest in Lady Penelope was a sign of you finally settling down, but Jonathan explained that you are simply helping her.” His sister paused before adding, “But she is perfect for you. I watched you over dinner. You could not take your eyes off her nor she you. She’s beautiful, kind, and intelligent. Jonathan’s told me what she has done for the villagers and about her awful husband. She deserves to have a family, and I just know you’d be perfect for each other. She needs you. She needs someone to love her, just as you need someone to love you.”
How did he tell Dorothea that the villagers were her family? This was why Pen had thrown herself into making their lives better. She had no one else. She wouldn’t risk having her own family because that required her to trust. She had a ready-made family in her village. Being Lady Penelope, she could control her family as the head of it. She would not be in control if she remarried; her husband would.
“Lady Penelope is a wonderful woman but she has her reasons why she does not wish to remarry.”
Dor looked at him. “So you would consider marriage to her if she was interested?”
“I didn’t say that. I was merely pointing out that Penelope is a complicated woman. She has good reasons for not wishing to remarry.”
“Tosh. She wants a babe. She guessed right away that I was with child when I had a slight fainting fit. Yes, I’m fine. I just get a bit light-headed if I don’t eat. Anyway, the look on her face, I’ll never forget it. Such longing. Any woman who craves a child of her own, who also meets the right man, would remarry, if asked.” She dug him in the ribs. “You should ask her. I’ve seen the way you look at her. You want her.”
“Want and marriage are two different things.”
She eyed him cheekily. “They don’t have to be. You are comfortable with each other. I’d even say friends. Why are you not even considering the idea?”
He stopped and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sometimes life is complicated, Dor.”
“Life might be but love isn’t. Either you do or you don’t love someone, and if you do, nothing will stand in your way. I think you could love this woman and she you. What are you so afraid of?”
He was afraid. Dor was right. He could love her. But would she love him—a man going blind? And even if she did, he couldn’t give her the one thing she craved—
a child of her own. Would she want a child with him, knowing it could go blind?
His sister must have seen the look on his face. “What are you not telling me?” She eyed him warily. “Is this about Father and his blindness?”
His head jerked up. “Why would it be about that?”
“I talked to Jonathan about Father before we married. I didn’t want there to be any secrets. We spoke to Father’s eye surgeon. Apparently, Father’s condition can be passed to children.” He started beside her. Her mouth dropped open. “Oh, my God, you knew. Is this why you have not married?”
“Jonathan knew about Father and the chance it could be passed on, and he still married you?”
“I’m not going blind and we both decided we would leave it in God’s hands as to whether any child or children we have might go blind. Often the children are fine, like me.”
“And Jonathan accepted this?”
She rose up on tiptoes to cup his cheek. “When you love someone you love everything about them, faults and all. He loves me.”
Stephen choked up and had to look away.
“Stephen Cameron Hornsby, you would tell me if you have something wrong with your sight?”
When he said nothing, she stepped in close and hugged him again. “I’m so sorry. When did the problems with your eyes start?”
“When I was fighting the Turks.”
“That’s ten years ago. Why have you not said anything? Probably because you did not wish to worry us. You always put us first and I love you for that, but everyone needs someone. If not your family, who?” She sighed. “Silly man. We love you. We will be here to help you.”
“I don’t want everyone’s pity or help. Can you imagine what it will be like to be in total darkness? I don’t know if I can…”
“You can. You’re the strongest man I know. You shouldered responsibilities way above your years the day Father died. And you fought for your country and you help everyone. Look what you are doing for Lady Penelope. For once let others help you.” But her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared. “Does Mother know?”
He shook his head.
“Does anyone know?” She buried her face in his chest, obviously to hide her pity and fear. As he shook his head she gave a sob.
“Only Penelope. She guessed. I’m finding it difficult to hide my condition all the time.” He looked down at her head as it lay on his chest. “Now you understand why marriage for me is not a possibility.”
His sister pulled back in his arms and looked up at him in disbelief. “I don’t understand. Why can you not marry?”
“Don’t be obtuse. Who would want to marry a man destined to go blind? And I refuse to marry a woman simply after my title and money.”
“A woman who loves you, and if you say one word about no woman being able to love a blind man I’ll kick you in the shins.”
He wasn’t going to argue with her. She was so in love and happily with child that there was no point arguing the harsh realities of life.
“Let’s have no more talk of love or blindness. Please don’t tell anyone. I want to tell Mother myself in person and I am waiting for Chloe to find a match. I do not wish to damage her chances.”
Dorothea nodded. “I can understand that reasoning. But if any man was put off by your condition, he does not love Chloe enough, and therefore does not deserve her.”
“I had not thought of it like that but not everyone is lucky enough to find love in a match.”
“All of us have so far.”
“Really? Even Claire and Frances?”
She nodded. “We would not have married without it and we knew you would never force us to marry. You love us too much.”
That he did. As a young lad he used to curse having sisters and no brothers, but he loved them and would give his life for them.
“And we love you too,” she whispered. “Don’t you dare do what Father did and leave us. That would be selfish in the extreme. I’m still so angry with him for leaving Mother and us. I can’t lose you too.” She patted her stomach. “My child won’t have a grandfather but it will need its uncle.”
He could not get a promise to leave his lips. “I can’t wait to meet him or her. I’m sure you’ll give Jonathan a son.” He really hoped he would be able to see the child. His sight had worsened the past six months. His field of vision was getting narrower. He was worse in the dark. They needed to return to the house.
As they strolled back he watched as Dorothea tried to get the emotions of their conversation under control. She kept squeezing his hand as they walked. Her grip tight. They stopped on the veranda. “I like her, Stephen. I hope you think about what I have said. Your eyes may be damaged or broken but you are still the most honorable and loving man I know. You deserve so much more and so does she.”
Once back in the drawing room Dorothea announced, “I’m tired and shall go up to my room.” Jonathan rose to go with her and the look of love that passed between them stirred Stephen’s soul. For the first time since he learned his eyes were broken as Dorothea mentioned, he wished for a different life, and the anger at all he would miss almost overcame him.
Once they had left he realized he was still standing in the middle of the drawing room.
Penelope was sitting by the fire. “Did your sister tell you her exciting news?”
He moved to sit opposite her and said, “What would you say now if I said no?”
She laughed. “I would have said she was going on a trip to Italy.”
“Is she?”
“Apparently they were, until Jonathan learned he was to be a father.”
He nodded. “Yes, she told me.”
She watched him like a bird of prey watched a running field mouse. “I did wonder what you thought of her news. I hope you were happy for her.”
“I am happy for both of them. She is not having any problems with her eyes so I doubt her child will.”
She sat up. “You told her?”
“She guessed.”
“And?”
He shrugged. “She reacted as I suspected all my family would. She is upset but didn’t want me to know. She told me they would look after me. Look after me!” He shook his head. “I couldn’t bear that.”
“For goodness’ sake. You look after them and more. Why is that all right?”
The anger in her tone surprised him. “I’m a man. That is my role.”
“It can still be your role. You will be blind not unconscious.”
He stormed to his feet. “You have no understanding of what I will lose.”
“Perhaps, and I know that the thought of not being able to see would scare me silly. But I suspect we would fear it for different reasons.” She paused. “What will you miss the most and why?”
He stood, looking down at her. “There are so many things. I don’t know where to start.”
“Tell me one thing, then.”
He came to stand over her. In a whisper he said, “I am scared that I will lose my manhood. That because I cannot see I will never experience the rush of desire that I feel when I see a beautiful woman, like I got when I first laid eyes on you at Sotheby’s.” He swallowed hard. “I know that makes me shallow but—”
“Your reputation with women is legendary. You are an extremely handsome man and most likely have had your pick of the most beautiful women in the world.” She reached out and touched his arm. “You will still be the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. Women will still want you.”
“But how will I know if I want them? Will I even feel desire if I cannot see?”
“Close your eyes.”
He stood, looking at her.
“Go on, close your eyes.”
He obeyed. “It’s not the same. I know what you look like. All I have to do is remember the image of you naked on that bed and I desire you.�
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“Keep your eyes closed.” He felt her silk shawl being wrapped around his eyes and tied so they could not open.
He heard her walk across the room and he heard the click of the lock on the door. Then she was back, standing in front of him because he could smell her scent and it stirred his senses.
She slipped her hands inside his jacket and pushed it off his shoulders. She began to undo his cravat and he had to clench his fists to stop himself from reaching up and ripping off the blindfold. He wanted to watch her as she undressed him. Then he would be able to see what she was thinking, feeling.
Just then he heard her voice. “I have wanted to slowly strip the clothes from you since I saw you walking down the aisle at the auction house. All that masculinity arrogantly on display as if you knew the world was blessed because you were in it.”
As she pulled his shirt up and over his head his groin began to throb.
She ran her hands over his chest. “You really are a fine specimen.”
Then her lips replaced her hands. She kissed his Adam’s apple before running her tongue slowly over the skin of his chest down toward the placket of his trousers. His body tensed as her hands undid the placket and slid inside.
“Do you know I have never wanted to see a naked man before? I tried not to see Carmichael but you…” Her hot breath hit the head of his very erect penis as she pushed his trousers down as far as the top of his boots. “I didn’t think this through properly,” she laughed. “I should have taken your boots off first.”
He could barely think.
She took his hand and pushed him down onto the chair she’d recently vacated and began to remove his boots.
“Tell me what you are looking at,” he almost begged.
“I’m looking at your manhood. It’s a tad frightening as it’s so thick and long and engorged.” He almost groaned out loud. “I am wondering what it will feel like to have you deep inside me. I’m nervous and excited at the same time.”
Soon his trousers were pulled off his legs and he was sitting completely naked. Unable to see her or what she was looking at or doing heightened his other senses. Then slowly he heard a rustling.
Drawn to the Marquess Page 12
