by Cas Lester
It was at this point that something small and fluffy waddled across the deck, wagging its little nappy-clad bottom merrily.
‘GORDON!’ exclaimed Harvey. ‘Noooooo!’
Too late! The skunks pounced towards the baby Gordonzola!
Baring his shark-like teeth in a ferocious snarl, Snuffles sprang across the galley to protect him,
GRRRRR, WOOOF!
But he and Gordon were instantly surrounded!
Harvey’s rubbish idea
An outstanding rubbish idea suddenly struck Harvey.
Bravely brandishing his non-stick frying pan, he yelled to Nerdie, ‘Drive the skunks into the corner – to the garbage chute!’
‘Stand back, Captain,’ rasped the Nerdbot 1000, rapidly unclipping cleaning attachments with all of its six metal claws at once. Then it charged at the Junk Skunks ferociously wielding, with awesome accuracy, its:
• telescopic cobweb brush,
• litter grabber,
• long-handled broom,
• matching dustpan and brush, and
• fluffy pink feather duster.
And within moments the droid had rounded the stinky little aliens up and herded them backwards and onto the trap door to the rubbish shaft. Calmly, Harvey pulled the lever to OPEN and the pongy little pests tumbled harmlessly down into the cargo hold, landing on the pile of garbage the Toxic Spew had emptied from Waitless. Then he pulled the lever to SHUT, trapping the troublesome cosmic critters in the garbage hold.
‘Yahoo!’ cried Harvey, doing a high-five with Nerdie.
CLANG!
‘OWW!’ yelped Harvey, doubling over in agony.
(Seriously?!
Look, I don’t mean to be rude and I know you don’t have a lot of domestic robots on your little planet, do you, but I would’ve thought that even someone from Earth would be smart enough to work out that high-fiving metal body parts really, really hurts!)
Harvey clamped his throbbing hand under his armpit, eyes watering and screaming silently under his breath.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ croaked Nerdie rustily. ‘Are you all right?’
Harvey took a deep breath and held it. ‘I’m fine,’ he finally managed to squeak. ‘Apart from the fact I think I’ve broken my hand!’
‘I know! How about a refreshing squirt of SmelloGel?’ suggested Nerdie, spraying Harvey all over with a fine mist of beeswax and vanilla-scented multi-surface polish.
‘How’s that supposed to help?’ cried Harvey coughing and spluttering.
‘It says it “Shines and restores as good as new”!’ said the cleaning robot, reading the label on the tin.
‘That’s for things, not humans!’
‘Is there a big difference?’ asked Nerdie.
‘Yes!’ cried Harvey.
‘Ah,’ rasped Nerdie, and his six metal extending arms drooped sadly.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Harvey to the bridge
Harvey ordered Snuffles to stay and look after Gordon. Then he suggested Nerdie clean up the disgusting mess the Junk Skunks had made all over the Toxic Spew – starting with the galley. The Nerdbot 1000 cheered up immediately.
‘It’ll be my pleasure, sir!’ he said, efficiently reeling out his VoltaVacuum attachment and taking out an industrial-sized, pump-action, plastic tub of Mountain Breeze and Wild Cherry air freshener.
Harvey belted back up to the bridge to tell Maxie and Gizmo it was all clear. Knowing that the toxic stench of the skunks would hang around the ship for some time yet, he left Yargal’s grubby bandage over his nose and mouth until he got to the safety of the bridge.
As he pelted along the last straight of corridor, his space boots squelching and sticking to the filthy deck as he ran, he allowed himself to feel a bit pleased with himself for having dealt with the Junk Skunks.
Like a lot of people who are outstandingly good at something (football, in his case), Harvey was usually pretty modest about it. But then, let’s face it, when the rest of your team are clapping you on the back and voting you ‘Man of the Match’, and you’ve just scored your third hat-trick of the season, you don’t need to brag about it, do you?
But on this occasion, to be honest, Harvey was looking forward to seeing the look on Maxie’s face when he burst onto the bridge to say it was safe.
It was a shame he wasn’t also looking forward at where he was going.
SLAM!
DOOOOF!
Harvey ran slap bang into the bridge doors and poleaxed painfully onto the deck. He’d expected them to open automatically, like they always did, promptly and with a satisfying
SCHWOOOSH …
They hadn’t.
Harvey staggered to his feet and pounded on the doors. ‘Maxie? Gizmo?’ he shouted. ‘Open up!’ There was no reply.
Harvey to the rescue
He ran to the nearest ship intercom (which turned out to be the one just outside the toilets).
‘Harvey to the command bridge. Are you there?’ he cried.
(I hate to interrupt at this exciting moment, but is it me, or does that seem a completely absurd question?
I mean:
a) Where did he think the command bridge would be? Wandering around the ship on its own? Gone out for a pizza? In a parallel universe having crossed the time space portal wotsit thingy to another world?
And
b) Even if it was where he had left it (which it was) how did he think the command bridge could actually answer him? Huh? It’s just a room full of technical kit and other cosmic clutter and a handful of tatty old seats, for crying out loud.)
Since there was no reply, Harvey tried the computer.
‘Captain Harvey!’ it replied in its digital voice. ‘Is that really you? What a lovely surprise! I thought you’d died. Like the bridge crew,’ it finished casually.
‘What?!’ exclaimed Harvey.
‘At least, I think they’re dead. They look pretty dead to me,’ it announced cheerfully. ‘They’ve gone all limp and they haven’t moved for ages.’
‘Open the bridge doors!’ barked Harvey.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes!’
‘Don’t you think you’re a teeny, tiny bit young to go onto the command bridge all on your own and discover your crew mates slumped dead and lifeless in their seats?
‘No, now OPEN THE DOORS!’ yelled Harvey.
‘Is that OPEN THE DOORS, please?’ snipped the computer.
‘NO! It’s OPEN-THE-DOORS-AND-THAT’S-AN-ORDER!’ bawled Harvey.
‘Tut, tut! Manners!’ sniffed the computer.
Harvey tore along the filthy corridor and onto the bridge.
SCHWOOOOSH …
Maxie and Gizmo were both collapsed at their desks. The skunk stink had seeped onto the bridge through the air vents.
‘Maxie!’ cried Harvey, rushing over to the pilot. To his enormous relief she was alive and breathing, and to be accurate, dribbling a bit. He tried shaking her, but he couldn’t wake her. She was out cold. And so was Gizmo.
And worse …
The Toxic Spew was hurtling through space, completely out of control!
And even worse …
Glancing out of the front vision screen, Harvey’s blood froze … and his heart leapt into the back of his throat.
A colossal spaceberg was looming towards them. It was so close Harvey could clearly see a snow-covered mountain spewing out enormous lava balls. You know, those mega-terrifying, blubblering-blue, ice-cold, freeze-exterminating intergalactic type ones.
And much, much worse … they were ALL GOING TO DIE!
Chapter Twenty-Five
Spaceberg!
Harvey hauled Maxie out of her seat and into the captain’s chair. Then he radioed Yargal and ordered her to come to the bridge – immediately.
(Good luck with that, Captain!
With a top speed of a JelloNovian Racing Snail, you might not want to hold your breath until she gets there.)
Harvey was desperately worried about h
is crew, but he had to focus on saving the ship. He took over the pilot’s seat, forced himself to stay calm, and scanned the flight controls.
(Why? He’s no idea what any of them do!)
‘Computer, help!’ he ordered.
‘Well, this is fun!’ announced the computer chirpily. ‘Thundering towards a humungous spaceberg at a thrilling Cosmic Speed 8! Wheeeee! Unfortunately, there will be a tremendous explosion blowing the ship into a gazillion little pieces.
‘But, on the upside, it will
a) be spectacular,
b) all be over very quickly, and
c) you won’t feel a thing!’
Battling to keep his temper, Harvey asked the computer if it could actually do anything to help, like maybe fly the ship.
‘I am a galaxy-class 75b SpaceCorp computer with a CosmicCore processor and 215 megatronbyte boogle memory – not an AutoAstronaut!’ it snapped, huffily.
‘Then search the Outernet and find out how to do it!’ ordered Harvey.
‘Oh, good idea!’ said the computer, brightly. ‘It’s when you come up with clever ideas like that I see why they made you captain. Now, what shall I type in the little search box?’
‘I don’t know!’ yelled Harvey, finally losing it. ‘Try: “How-to-stop-a-spaceship-thundering-towards-a-humungous-spaceberg-at-a-thrilling-Cosmic-Speed-8.com!”’
‘Righty ho! Will do! Don’t go away!’ it joked.
SCHWOOOSH …
The bridge doors slid open and Yargal slurped in. She stared open-mouthed at the spaceberg, which was now terrifyingly close. Then, still with her mouth open she screamed, ‘Aaaaaaaargh!’
‘Yargal, calm down and help Maxie,’ commanded Harvey briskly.
‘Shouldn’t I help Gizmo first – he is senior and I’m sure he’d say that according to the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules …’
‘Can Gizmo fly the ship?’ cut in Harvey.
‘No.’ said Yargal.
‘Then start with Maxie!’
DO NOT PRESS!
While Yargal slurped her way slowly over to the Pilot Officer who was still slumped in Harvey’s chair, the computer suddenly bleeped on happily.
‘Captain,’ it said excitedly, ‘you’ll be delighted to hear I’ve found an excellent step-by-step SpaceChat guide on how to pilot spaceships! So just listen carefully and follow the instructions.
Step 1: Add lots of GasoLime goo to the fuel tank.
Step 2: Turn the starter key to the ON position.
Step 3: Hold up trigger (A).
Step 4: Turn wheel (B) to where you want to go …’
‘This isn’t helping at all!’ spluttered Harvey at the flight controls, as the monumentally colossal spaceberg loomed menacingly nearer and nearer.
‘Wait … there’s a bit about doing an Emergency Stop! Apparently you hit the big red button marked DO NOT PRESS.’
Urgently, Harvey scanned the flight desk for a button marked DO NOT PRESS. He found it, in between one labelled DON’T TOUCH and another one that read DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
‘Seriously?’ said Harvey, his hand hovering over the Emergency Stop control button.
‘Yup!’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yup!’
‘Completely and totally, 100 per cent, sure?’
‘Yup!’
Closing his eyes and crossing his fingers, Harvey’s hand smacked down hard on the big red button.
KA-POW THWACK!
An enormous airbag, like a giant blow-up duvet, erupted out of the flight desk, knocking him clean off his feet and smothering him.
‘Captain,’ cried Yargal. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Weff, I’m fwine!’ came Harvey’s muffled voice from under the mound of material.
Desperately he battled with the mountain of bloated cloth, but it was impossible to grab and he couldn’t see what he was doing. It would have been a lot easier to wrestle his way out of a bouncy castle, blindfolded and in the dark.
And all the while the ship jumped and juddered violently, and a horrible screeching noise came from the booster engines, and another even more horrible screeching noise came from Yargal.
‘Aaaaaargh!!!!’
Oooops!
Harvey just managed to clamber out from under the enormous airbag in time to see the Toxic Spew finally, wonderfully, marvellously and totally – come to a shuddering, jolting stop!
‘Oh, well done!’ said the computer, and Harvey let out a huge sigh of relief.
‘I really didn’t think you were going to manage to stop the ship!’ chattered the computer cheerfully. ‘Of course the enormous spaceberg is still rocketing towards us fatally fast, and spewing out mega-terrifying, blubblering-blue, ice-cold, freeze-exterminating lava balls and we’re going to smash into it anyhow,’ it continued heartlessly. ‘But it was a nice try. Now, how about a quick game before you die?
‘Captain,’ wailed Yargal. ‘I don’t want a quick game before I die. I don’t want to die at all!’
But Harvey wasn’t listening. It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in Yargal’s tragically pathetic last wish. It was more that Harvey didn’t want to die either and was too busy
a) trying not to, by
b) having a brilliant idea.
‘A game – that’s it!’ thought Harvey. At home he’d completed both Fly Galactic Ships NOW (Volume 1) and Fly More Galactic Ships NOW (Volume 2). A real spaceship couldn’t be that different, surely. Desperately he dragged the airbag off the flight controls.
Er … yes it could.
The games flight controls weren’t anything like those in the real flight desk front of him. Hang on, what about Helicopter Havoc? wondered Harvey, desperately. That’s based on a real flight desk. He sat back down in the pilot’s seat.
If he could just work out how to turn left … or right … or go up … or down … or anything other than hanging around doing nothing and waiting for ‘Sudden Death By Spaceberg’!
Frantically, he started switching switches, pounding buttons and hauling levers. And, to his enormous relief, and even greater surprise the Toxic Spew began to move. Unfortunately, it went forwards – bringing the head-on collision with the spaceberg even closer! Oooops.
Chapter Twenty-Six
More speed!
Meanwhile Yargal was merrily slapping Maxie with her soggy tentacles.
THWACK SPLAT!
THWACK SPLAT!
It wasn’t a medically approved method – but it seemed to work. Maxie’s eyes flickered open.
THWACK SPLAT!
went Yargal once more, just for luck.
‘Ow!’ yelped Maxie. ‘Pack it in!’ Then, looking around the bridge, still dazed, she suddenly realised Harvey was at the flight desk. ‘What are you doing?’ she screamed, struggling to sit up.
‘Flying the ship!’ replied Harvey coolly.
‘But you don’t know how to!’ she exclaimed, scrambling to her feet.
‘No, but I’m working on it.’
Maxie tried to stand, but her legs buckled under her.
(She actually said a very rude word, which I am shocked to find she even knows, and no, I’m not going to say what it was.)
Feverishly flicking switches and fiddling with dials, Harvey put the ship’s manifold magnetos to FULL, slid the sideways booster thrusters to ON, turned up the turbo anti-torque throttles and let out the cyclic clutch and pitch control lever.
(Or something equally impressive. And no, I don’t know how to fly the ship either).
Then he confidently grasped the flight control stick and boldly yanked it to the left. To everyone’s relief (and total amazement) the Toxic Spew began to veer slowly left, and edge away from the spaceberg!
‘Congratulations, Captain!’ cried the computer. ‘We’re going to miss the spaceberg after all! Well done!
‘Wait! Oh no, we’re not. We’re just going to clip the edge and completely explode on impact! Oh, bad luck, sir! Hey ho, cheerio everyone!’ it finished, gobsmac
kingly tactlessly.
‘More speed!’ yelled Maxie to Harvey.
Harvey cranked the controls from FAST to VERY FAST, still hauling the joystick, and the ship itself, hard left.
They held their breath, eyes fixed on the vast front vision as the Toxic Spew juuuuust slipped past the massive spaceberg with a nano-smidge to spare! Maxie watched mega impressed, and supa-mega relieved, as Harvey steered the ship safely off into outer space.
‘Captain, that was AWESOME!’ she announced, and Harvey grinned at her.
Gobsmacking greed
Yargal had started happily doing the THWACK, SPLAT! routine on Gizmo. At which point Scrummage arrived on the bridge. He was feeling much better and immediately offered to help by giving Gizmo a really hard slap, or two.
‘No,’ said Harvey firmly, as Maxie snorted with laughter and rolled her eyes.
And then, as soon as Gizmo had recovered, Yargal slid off to make everyone a celebratory pizza.
So, a short while later, they all sat on the command bridge of the Toxic Spew munching pizzas while Nerdie made them all coffee.
Much to everyone’s surprise, Maxie was actually letting Harvey pilot the ship. She’d carefully plotted the route for him to follow, avoiding the black hole, three speed cameras, two sets of traffic lights, the one-way system, and a dead end.
They were contentedly heading back to Waitless. Partly because they were meeting InterPlanetary Pest Control there but mostly because the manager of the intergalactic super store had said they could have anything they liked from the shop as payment for removing the Junk Skunks and emptying the garbage. I repeat: anything they liked. What an idiot.
(Please don’t read this list. It’s gobsmackingly greedy.
Maxie upgraded the flight desk with a brand new multi-coloured cybersonic jump drive control.
Gizmo wanted a talking repair kit that tells you which tool to choose and how to use it, and a Cosmic Spanner 7017 (an unbreakable all-in-one spanner, screwdriver, pen and spoon).
