Deja Vu

by Michal Hartstein

  I arranged to visit with Inbal, so the visit wouldn’t seem unusual, and the two of us drove to the hospital. Daria was lying in bed when we entered the room. She’d combed her hair and put on makeup before our arrival, but we could tell she wasn’t doing so great.

  “Inbal! Rose!” she exclaimed in fake happiness when we entered the room and went to hug and kiss her. “Forgive me for not getting up,” she apologized. “I just can’t move… It was a very difficult birth.”

  Just as it was with my Nofar, I thought.

  “Where’s the baby?” Inbal was looking around the room for Daria’s little daughter.

  “She’s in the nursery,” Daria explained. “They’ll bring her in soon so I can try and feed her again.”

  “You haven’t breastfed her yet?” Inbal sounded disappointed.

  “Of course I have,” Daria replied in an insulted tone. “I mean, I tried, but I haven’t succeeded yet.” My Nofar had refused to nurse from me.

  “Don’t worry,” Inbal said in a motherly voice, “it’ll work itself out.”

  Or not, I thought. Nofar wouldn’t nurse from me at all.

  “It’s a shame you came,” Daria said, and Inbal looked at her in shock. “I mean, I'm really happy you’re here,” Daria immediately corrected herself, “but it would have been even better to meet you at the party in honor of the birth.” I knew that, without Asi’s deep pockets, Daria's parties wouldn’t be quite as luxurious as they had been in my previous life.

  “We’ll come to the party as well,” Inbal laughed. “But we couldn’t resist coming now, especially Rose.” She ratted me out.

  “Rose?” Daria looked at me, stunned. “I thought you weren’t interested in children.”

  “I'm interested in you,” I lied. I was eager to see the baby.

  A few minutes later, Amir rolled the transparent hospital infant crib with the baby in it into the room.

  “You’re just in time,” Daria said. “Look who's here.”

  “Oh, hello, girls,” he smiled. “Rose, I think it must be… well, I haven’t seen you for a year now.”

  Even more, I thought. One of the reasons I chose to break away from the pack was my difficulty with seeing Amir at social gatherings. There was a limit to my acting talent; I found it hard to treat Amir like an acquaintance.

  “Busy,” I smiled at him.

  “How is she?” Daria inquired about her daughter. “Calm?”

  “Not very,” Amir said, lifting the baby. “But they were able to give her some formula in the nursery.”

  “Bring her here. Let’s see if she's ready to nurse,” Daria said, holding out her hands to Amir and the baby.

  “Wait up,” Inbal jumped in, holding out her hands. “Let’s just take a little peep at her… you said yourself she’s been fed in the nursery.”

  Daria nodded to Amir that he could hand the baby to Inbal. “You're not afraid to hold her? I’m scared to death.”

  “No, I have lots of tiny little nephews, and I really need to practice,” she laughed and patted her belly instinctively.

  Amir passed the baby carefully into Inbal’s gentle embrace. Inbal looked lovingly at the baby. “Man, she’s so cute!” she gushed. “You know what you’re going to call her?”

  “We have some ideas,” Daria said.

  “Can I see too?” I said and bent toward Inbal.

  “Sure.” Inbal smiled and slightly loosened her cradling embrace.

  I stared at the baby, and I knew immediately that my suspicions were correct.

  Inbal was holding Nofar.

  My Nofar.

  Who was now Daria's.

  She was always Amir’s, and now she had another mother. During my new life, I’d had quite a few moments of déjà vu. I didn’t always know if they were real memories of my past or a normal feeling of déjà vu that every person experiences from time to time. Now, I was confused. The original Nofar, my daughter in my former life, was a genetic combination of Amir and me. How could Amir and Daria have the exact same child? I once read that children are often more like their father. When Nofar was my daughter, opinion was divided: Some people had argued that she looked like me, and some had said she looked like Amir. I thought she didn’t look like either of us.

  I looked at her in horror. For the first time, I saw the similarities between her and Amir. Were his genes so strong that they overwhelmed both my genes and Daria’s genes? My Nofar was created despite the birth control measures I took. Was Amir’s sperm so dominant that he beat the contraception and definitively established the identity of the baby?

  “Is something wrong?” Daria asked, noticing my stunned look.

  “Nope,” I lied. “I’m just stunned that you’re a mother, that you have a baby girl,” I said after a long and heavy silence. I found it difficult to find an excuse for my stunned look.

  “Yes,” she said. “It's hard to believe.”

  “She’s so tiny,” Inbal continued to coo. I wanted to be sure. After all, all babies look alike… maybe it was all in my head. I went to Inbal and the little baby and pulled at her clothes gently. My Nofar had a birthmark between her right shoulder and her neck.

  “What are you doing?” Inbal protected the baby.

  “Nothing,” I apologized. “I thought there was something there.”

  “Where?” Inbal asked and pulled her one-piece aside, which allowed me to see Nofar’s birthmark in all its glory.

  “Nofar,” I whispered.

  “What did you say?” Daria asked.

  “Nothing,” I apologized. “I was just confused.”

  “I thought you said Nofar,” Daria said in shock. “That’s weird, because Amir really likes that name and that’s what we think we’ll call her.”

  “It really is a nice name,” Inbal said and passed little Nofar to her current mother.

  “What do you think, Amiri?” Daria turned to my former husband.

  “You know I love that name,” he smiled.

  “So, there you are, then - you guys are first to know,” Daria declared. “Our baby is called Nofar.”

  “Congratulations,” Inbal said.

  “Yes, congrats,” I said almost in a whisper.

  “Well,” Daria said to Nofar in a babyish voice, “Let's see if you’ll finally agree to nurse from your mother.”

  I couldn’t tell her now she wouldn’t. Nofar wouldn’t nurse. It was just not worth the effort and guilt. Now I understood that Nofar simply didn’t want to breastfeed. She had no problem with my milk, specifically.

  On the way home, I asked Inbal. “When did you say your due date is?”

  “Mid-February,” she said in surprise. “Why do you ask?”

  “No reason...” I pondered for a minute. “Do you know what you’re having?”

  “Probably a boy.” She smiled and stroked her stomach with excitement.

  Roy, Asi and Daria’s son in my previous life, was born on 18th February 2008. I remembered the date because it was also my mother's birthday.

  I waited impatiently for February. I was anxious to find out if the ‘new’ Roy, in my current life, would be completely identical to the Roy in my previous life. The thought filled me with horror. Biologically, there may be some similarity, but the genes of a different spouse would surely result in a different baby, at least in some respect. I spent my time until the birth watching Nofar. Unlike in her previous life with me, her picture was constantly taken, and I got a photographic update almost daily. With every day that passed, my hope that I was wrong and that this was a new Nofar faded away. She was exactly the same Nofar. Once again, just like last time, despite Daria’s efforts to hide it, Nofar wasn’t an easy child, and, once again, she preferred her father over anyone else.

  It was over eleven years since I’d woken up in the hospital – again - into a new life. I was used to the strange reality of my life, but Nofar’s birth was a far cry from what I'd known so far. Because I had made different choices in my new life, my life wasn’t an exact repeat of t
he previous one. I’d married another man, and I’d chosen a different career and therefore the sequence of events and experiences in my new life were not identical to those of my previous life. My sisters and other relatives made similar choices to those I remembered from my former life, and, therefore, they had the same children and grandchildren I had known in my former life. But Daria, Inbal and I had switched partners, so a ‘replay’ of offspring seemed like science fiction to me.

  On February 18th 2008, Asi and Inbal had a baby boy. Everyone except me was impressed by the fact that the child was born weighing over 9 pounds. Roy weighed exactly the same. The circumcision was held, like last time, a week late, because the baby suffered from neonatal jaundice. Inbal and Asi named the child Roy. I was as surprised by the choice of name as I was that he was the exact same child. I remembered that in my previous life, Daria chose the name, but now she wasn’t the child's mother. I guessed a person’s name was given to him in a more mystical way than I’d thought.

  Unlike Nofar, who was my daughter in my previous life, I didn’t really remember Roy. I certainly couldn’t say that they were definitely identical. The realization that this was the exact same Roy came to me over time. In my previous life, I saw Roy mainly in pictures Daria constantly sent out. Most of the time, I simply deleted the pictures before even looking at them, but I remembered that Roy had a funny shock of black hair, even as a newborn. I recognized him from miles away. Among the many bald babies, he stood out like a lump of coal on a bed of white ice. As time passed, the little doubt I had disappeared; he was exactly the same child.

  After Roy’s birth, I realized in the coming months that I was supposed to get pregnant. If, in my new life, the fathers got exactly the same offspring they’d had in their previous lives, then Coral, David and Inbal’s eldest daughter, was to be born to David and me at the end of 2008. I didn’t know if I even wanted to have children in the current round of my life and now faced a dilemma. I could avoid a pregnancy by using the safest contraceptive around: abstinence. Although David's sex drive was much higher than Amir’s, I could come up with various excuses for two to three months. Since Nofar was conceived while I was on the pill, I knew that only avoiding sex would prevent me becoming pregnant with Coral. Was prevention of certain pregnancy the same as having an abortion? I’d considered aborting Nofar when I was first pregnant with her. Now, I knew in advance that I might be pregnant… I knew the daughter I thought I’d have. The thought that I was standing in the way of Coral’s right to come into the world troubled me, and I decided I wouldn’t stop her from being born, not actively, anyway. I didn’t stop taking the pills, but nor did I abstain from sex with David.

  A few weeks later, on Independence Day of that year, Daria, Inbal, Amir, Asi, David and I got together again to watch the fireworks show. Like last time, we were hosted by Asi, but this time his co-host was Inbal. Contrary to our previous life, in which Asi and Daria had lived in a luxury apartment in north Tel Aviv, in our current lives Inbal chose to invest the fortune Asi made in his father's import business in a house in a small suburb near Kfar Saba. Asi and Inbal’s new home did not in any way resemble the designer space that Asi and Daria had made together. The house itself was, indeed, a great piece of real estate that I knew I couldn’t afford in the coming years, but it was much warmer and cozier than the stylish apartment I remembered. The innovative, designer furniture was gone, to make way for simple styles; drapes in bright colors graced the windows, and souvenirs that Asi and Inbal had collected during their many visits to the Far East were scattered throughout the house. In contrast to the immaculate cleanliness of Daria and Asi’s apartment, Asi and Inbal’s home was a mess, as befits a house where a baby was growing up. Inbal didn’t bother to hide the mounds of laundry piled up in the living room. The kitchen was a mess and a variety of toys were scattered around the house. I remembered that last time, with Roy sitting on the bouncer. This time, he was cradled against Inbal’s body in a carrier made of fabric. I approached her and looked at little Roy. I had no doubt. This was the same Roy I remembered. Daria and Amir were sitting on the couch watching Nofar, who, once again, was eyeing Roy's toys scattered on the floor.

  “Sorry about the mess,” Inbal apologized with a smile.

  “I didn’t expect anything else,” I laughed.

  Nofar picked up a sponge ball and put it in her mouth. Daria snatched the ball from her. “She’s putting everything in her mouth at the moment,” she apologized. Again, Nofar burst into tears and stopped only after Amir picked her up in his arms.

  “It's okay,” Inbal said apologetically, not wanting Nofar to cry over her son's toy. “She can chew it if she wants.We don’t live in a pharmacy.”

  “Roy’s still very small,” Daria said. “I don’t know if it's okay for him to come into contact with other children's saliva.”

  “He’ll have to get used to it at some point,” I smiled. “He’ll be going to kindergarten before long,” I repeated the sentence I’d said last time.

  “That's right,” Inbal laughed. Although she could afford to stay home with Roy until he finished high school, she believed that children should spend at least part of the day with their peers.

  The fireworks began, and we looked up at the colorful sky. Amir was holding Nofar, who pointed in amazement at the bright flashes of light. Roy began to cry hysterically, and Inbal took him inside. David stood beside me and looked at the sky with curiosity. I clung to him. I wanted him to lay his hand on my shoulder. My memory of him embracing Inbal and looking at fireworks was engraved in my mind, and I wanted to recreate it.

  “Is something wrong?” he asked as I rubbed my shoulder against his.

  “No...” I said sadly. “I just thought it would be nice if you hugged me.”

  “Of course,” he smiled, kissed me on the cheek and took me into his arms.

  Now we were as I remembered, but the insult was already there. Why didn’t he hug me as he’d hugged Inbal? Why did I have to ask him?

  I squinted at Amir. In my previous life, the comparison between him and David wasn’t fair. David was, and is, an amazing man, muscular and sexy. Amir had let himself go when we were married, and I was surprised that, with Daria, he looked much better, though still not as good as David, but it wasn’t a fair competition. David had to stay in shape because of his work. The beer belly Amir had in our previous lives hadn’t recreated itself; his hair was thinning, but much less than I remembered. I remembered my mother pestering me often, saying I should take better care of Amir, and I always got angry at her for giving me medieval advice. I wished I’d listened to her more. I figured Daria, who always liked people to look their best, made sure Amir watched his weight better than I did, and the results definitely showed. A few minutes later, the fireworks ended and we sat around the dinner table on the porch to eat the steaks Asi had cooked.

  “Excellent,” Inbal said with pleasure.

  “Thank you,” Asi flashed a loving smile at his wife. I watched him. He, too, was not the person he had been in his previous life. In his former life, he was thinner, but always looked worried and angry. Daria had encouraged him to wear tight tops, designer jeans, luxury shoes and hair gel. With Inbal, he was dressed in a simpler, more relaxed manner. I was amazed to see him wearing sandals. I’d never seen his feet before. I was happy Daria had failed to force Amir to wear metrosexual style clothes.

  “Enjoy.” Daria smiled at Inbal with a starving look. She hadn’t touched the steak Asi had served her. Since she’d finally lost all the baby weight, she wasn’t going to gain another ounce.

  “You’re looking good,” Daria told me.

  “Thank you,” I smiled.

  “Did you do something to your hair?” Daria frowned. “Are you wearing makeup? There's something different about you.”

  “Nope,” I shrugged.

  Asi returned from the kitchen with a bottle of wine and started to pour everyone a glass. When he reached mine, I didn’t stop him, but David quickly said, “Maybe y
ou shouldn’t.”

  “You're pregnant?” Daria blurted out in a demonstration of tactlessness.

  I took a deep breath and said, “Yes!”

  “Wow! Rose!” Daria jumped up and hugged me. “That’s great. Stand up so we can get a better look at you.”

  I stood up and rubbed my stomach. “I’m not showing yet,” I apologized. “Early days...”

  “What week?” Inbal inquired.

  “Tenth,” I smiled at her. She came to me, and we hugged a long and loving embrace, just like we did when she announced she was pregnant with Coral.

  “So you don’t know what you’re having yet,” she said.

  “No,” I lied. I already knew what I’d name my daughter, who was her daughter in my other life.

  .

  CHAPTER 16

  It was totally different expecting Coral than it had been with Nofar. The pregnancy symptoms didn’t knock me sideways this time as they had with Nofar. I had less nausea, less indigestion, less bloating. I felt much better. I was glowing, as many told me. But beyond the physical symptoms that were different, there was one fundamental difference: This time, I was prepared for the pregnancy. While David was surprised that I got pregnant whilst still on the pill, I was far less surprised. It happened to me in my previous life, and I was expecting Coral anyway. David was hoping for a boy, but I knew that I wouldn’t fulfill his wish. In the first ultrasound, the doctor thought he saw a penis. David was thrilled, but I knew the doctor was wrong. At the next test, the doctor told us what I’d already known before I even got pregnant.