Deja Vu

by Michal Hartstein

  “What are you doing here?” I asked angrily. “Go to your wife!”

  “I can’t,” he said, and tears began to spill from his eyes. “I can’t say nothing passed between us yesterday… I can’t continue as if nothing happened.”

  “But there’s no choice!” I shouted in a whisper. “We’re not going to destroy everybody's life because of one mistake.”

  “Mistake?” He looked at me, stunned. “Yesterday was a mistake?”

  “Yes,” I replied briefly.

  “I'm in love with you… this can’t be a mistake!” he said, and my heart almost burst out of my chest. “Until yesterday, I didn’t believe it was mutual, that I had a chance, but now I know I do. You can’t tell me you don’t feel like I do. You couldn’t touch me like that if the feeling weren’t mutual.”

  “Amir,” I said coldly. “Yesterday, we both got a bit carried away and had sex, and I'll tell you a secret. David cheated on me some time ago, and apparently I felt I needed to get back at him.”

  “I don’t believe you,” he said painfully.

  “You’d better believe it,” I said and went back to my room. I couldn’t believe what I’d said, but if there was something I learned from the weird reality of my life, it was that the neighbor's grass is never really greener. It was nice to discover that, even in my new life, Amir desired me, but I didn’t think it was worth breaking my family apart for. I’d already lived with Amir, and I knew the thrill would disappear.

  CHAPTER 20

  Once every few years, there’s a bizarre story in the news of a woman giving birth without knowing she was pregnant. These stories have always entertained me. I could never understand how a woman couldn’t know she was pregnant until the moment of the birth.

  I was very close to being that woman.

  In January 2012, I met Inbal in the mall by chance. At this stage of our lives, each of us had two children: Amir and Daria had Tom and Nofar (who were my children in my previous life), Asi and Inbal had Roy and Shira (Daria's children in my previous life) and David and I had two daughters, Coral and Adi(Inbal’s daughters in our previous lives.) Because I knew that David had two daughters in his previous life, I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant again in my present life. I expected Inbal, because she was with Asi, to declare her third pregnancy, because Asi was the only man who had three children in my previous life. Had I not discovered that Inbal wasn’t pregnant, I, too, would have become one of those bizarre news items.

  “I haven’t seen or heard from you in ages,” she scolded.

  “Busy,” I smiled sheepishly. I was really very busy at work, but mostly I was busy avoiding Daria.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Just shopping. I’ve been neglecting myself a little lately. I need to go on a diet. Lots of clothes don’t fit me anymore!”

  “Why diet if you can just do some shopping!” Inbal laughed.

  “True,” I laughed with her. I looked at her. She had a bit of a belly, and I assumed she was about four months pregnant. I was surprised she hadn’t told me yet. “So you're pregnant?” I asked her tactlessly. I usually kept my mouth shut, but I was sure she was pregnant, not only because she had a bit of a belly, but because I knew she was due to give birth within six months.

  “No.” She looked at me, offended. “I’ve also put on a pound or two.”

  I was dumbfounded. She had to be pregnant. In the past four years, I’d predicted a hundred percent of all births in the group. She just had to be pregnant.

  “Are you sure?” I asked her.

  She looked at me, stunned. “Are you serious?” she asked. “Do you think I wouldn’t know if I was pregnant?”

  “Maybe you still don’t want to tell me,” I amazed myself with my insolence.

  “Believe me, it’s a little hard to be pregnant during your period.” She told it like it was.

  “Forgive me,” I said sadly. “I probably really wanted you to be pregnant again.”

  “Me, too,” she said sadly.

  We said goodbye and my mind started working overtime. Inbal wasn’t pregnant, but according to my calculations, Asi was supposed to father a third child in six months. Had Asi cheated on Inbal? Was another woman now expecting his third child? Maybe not all children from our previous life were going to be born in this one?

  Maybe Asi wasn’t Galia’s biological father in our previous lives…

  Once this thought occurred to me, all the symptoms of pregnancy broke out, my brain realized what had happened and within minutes, I was throwing up in the bathroom at the mall. Half an hour later, I was staring at the two lines of a positive pregnancy test.

  I’d had sex with two men in my previous and present lives. I slept with both about three months ago too. After we’d gotten back from the weekend on the kibbutz, I’d made up with David and we’d experienced a new honeymoon phase. My conscience bothered me, but I also felt that my one-time stumble was payback for his one-time stumble.

  If the fetus in my womb was Galia, Asi and Daria’s third daughter in my previous life, then under the formula that determined the identity of the child by his father, that meant Daria cheated on Asi in my previous life. Was it with David? Or with Amir? Both had cheated in my new life. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure I was carrying Galia in my womb. The simple formula that the father in the previous life was the father in this life no longer worked perfectly. I only knew with absolute certainty that Asi wasn’t the father of my unborn child. He still could have been Galia’s father in the previous life, because if I could cheat on David and David could cheat on me, and Amir, in our present life, could cheat on Daria, then maybe Asi could have cheated on Inbal and right now, little Galia was growing in the womb of a woman I didn’t even know!

  David was beside himself with joy. Knowing he was going to be a father for the third time overwhelmed him with happiness. He was shocked that I discovered I was pregnant at such an advanced stage, but was too happy about it to really care. He hoped we’d finally have a son. I hoped so too. It was the first time I didn’t know the sex of the baby before the ultrasound scan, and I knew that a son meant I wasn’t going to be Galia’s mother.

  But it was a girl.

  I had been pregnant four times - twice in my previous life and twice in my present life. In none of the pregnancies was I under such stress. Waiting for the baby was nerve wracking. I could hardly concentrate on work. I was a nervous wreck and, unfortunately, I primarily took it out on David and the girls. They all accepted my reaction with understanding because I was pregnant. Everyone thought that the hormones were making me mad, but I knew that what was driving me crazy was the lack of knowledge. For the first time in my present life, I didn’t know to whom I was giving birth, or who the father was. The strange reality of my life had given me confidence over the years. Most of the time, I knew what was going to happen, and for the first time in my new life, I had to deal with an absolute lack of knowledge.

  My confusion grew when Daria told me that she was pregnant too. In our previous lives, she was the only one who got pregnant for a third time and now the both of us were. She was expected to give birth in October 2012, one month after my second accident. In my previous life, when I was married to her husband, I wasn’t pregnant for a third time. I was wondering if Amir was the father. Maybe Daria cheated on Amir?

  Luckily, I didn’t remember Galia’s exact date of birth so I wasn’t tense around a certain date. My estimated delivery date was the end of July, so I didn’t change my work plans for the beginning of the month. On July 9th, I had a meeting with the tax assessor in Be’er Sheva. On the way, I was already feeling the contractions. I wasn’t too concerned, because I always had some short contractions in my ninth month. During the meeting, a sharp pain pierced my body. More contractions came… it was clear I was in active labor. The assessment officer looked at me, panicked, and immediately asked his secretary to get me an ambulance urgently.

  Between contractions, I updated my mother and David, who were bot
h angry with me for driving to Be’er Sheva in this state. They couldn’t get there in time for the birth. I was happy. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to meet my daughter without anyone who knew me watching. I didn’t know what my reaction would be.

  The birth was quick and easy, far more so than the four previous births, as if the baby was impatient to meet me too. I remembered how I’d had such trouble hugging Nofar immediately after she came out, but this time, I held out my arms expectantly, I so wanted to meet her.

  Once they laid Galia in my arms, I had no doubt. I remembered the baby that I actually saw only once in my previous life, on the day of the second accident, from which I awoke in my new life. The memory of her sweet little face was etched in my memory. She looked at me quizzically, and I had a good feeling that she remembered me too. She was, and remained, the sweetest baby I’ve ever seen. I kissed her warmly and refused to part with her even for the nurse to clean her and perform the initial tests.

  David arrived in the evening and found me nursing Galia. He looked at me with love in his eyes and came closer to get a good look at my child.

  “Meet Galia,” I smiled at him.

  “Galia?” he asked.

  “Yes, Galia,” I replied. To me, she was born with that name.

  “Nice name.”

  “Lovely name.”

  Galia nursed like no child had nursed from me in the past. From the first moment, the connection between us was just perfect, as if we’d known each other in another life. In fact, we had known each other in another life, only that time she had a different set of parents. I felt she came to the right mother this time.

  David looked at me, hypnotized. He wasn’t used to seeing me so warm and soft… so maternal. When Galia finished, I passed her to him. She cried - it was hard for her to part from me - but David quickly calmed her down with a loving embrace.

  “She's amazing,” he said.

  I looked at the both of them. David was a wonderful father. He had an excellent way with children, but I didn’t know if Galia was his daughter. Now that I knew Galia was my daughter, I realized that, in my previous life, Asi wasn’t her father. Daria had an affair with either David or Amir. One of them was Galia’s father now - and one of the two was her father in my previous life. If Galia was David’s daughter, then, in spite of his many promises that he could never cheat on me ‘all the way,’ it seemed he was able to do so when he was married to Inbal. And if Galia was Amir’s daughter, then I was cheated on as his wife in my previous life. It was sixteen years since I’d lived my life with Amir, and I’d forgotten most of the negative memories over time, but now I remembered how impatient I was with Amir. I remembered being a sad and bitter woman. The thought that Amir’s betrayal - if Galia was his daughter - was justified, hadn’t even crossed my mind and I figured that if I’d discovered the betrayal in my previous life, I would have found it very difficult to understand and forgive him. Now that a lot of time had passed and I had made dramatic changes in my present life, I had to admit that I wasn’t an easy or supportive spouse to Amir, and I should shoulder my fair share of blame in making Amir distance himself from me.

  What was it about me that made men cheat on me? Or rather, what was wrong with me? I had no doubt that the two men in my life loved me very much, but something made them drift away from me to the point of cheating. In my previous life, I was a bitter and sad woman, so I’d made sure that everything in my present, professional life wouldn’t make me bitter again, which led me to distance myself physically and psychologically from my spouse.

  I decided to learn the lesson that Galia’s birth taught me. When Galia was a month old, I went to the office. Some of the girls from the office clustered around the stroller and fawned over my sweet baby. I couldn’t miss the astonished looks I got from some of the other women, lawyers, who were shocked by the maternal surge that I suddenly enjoyed. For most lawyers, two children was a kind of necessity, in order to establish a ‘normal’ family, but a third child was an unwanted hindrance to their career.

  I went to see Jacob, the senior partner, with Galia in my arms. He smiled the fake smile I knew he mostly reserved for clients. “Congratulations,” he said. “She’s a cute little thing. How old is she now?” He tried to fake some interest.

  “Five-and-a-half weeks,” I replied and got straight to the matter that had brought me here. I knew that his interest in me and my daughter was non-existent, and I wanted to finish what I had to say, “I wanted to let you know that, this time, unlike with my previous children, I'm going to extend my maternity leave.”

  I knew he didn’t like my announcement, but he was also a lawyer and knew that, legally, he couldn’t say one single word about it or threaten my livelihood. He continued to smile his fake smile, and when I explained my plans, he wished me luck and added that he’d be awaiting my return at the end of my maternity leave. He had no choice.

  Maternity ‘leave’ is a misleading name for the first few months of a baby's life, when his mother stays at home to care for him. Even though the mother doesn’t work, calling this period of time ‘leave,’ as though the mother’s on vacation, is stretching it a bit. My previous maternity ‘leaves’ were very difficult for me. I didn’t feel free from work at all, but this time, with Galia, I did enjoy a sense of freedom. I was much more relaxed and comfortable. Galia was also a much more manageable baby than my other children. She allowed my hidden maternal instinct to blossom. David looked at me in wonder and love. He’d waited years to see me like this. His gaze tormented me, however, because I still didn’t know if he was Galia's father or not.

  Galia had been my daughter for almost two months now, but Daria and Inbal had not met her yet. They asked repeatedly to meet up, but I rejected their requests. I knew that a group meeting would put Amir in the same room with his possible daughter. Almost a year had passed since that fateful trip to the kibbutz, and Amir and I hadn’t met even once since. Eventually, I had to invite the group to meet my Galia. Inbal, Asi and their children arrived first, and I waited restlessly for Daria and Amir’s arrival. David didn’t understand why I was so tense about this friendly get-together. Obviously, I couldn’t explain myself to him.

  Daria arrived, only with Nofar. She claimed Tom was sick and Amir had volunteered to stay home with him. Almost sixteen years ago, I used that exact same excuse when I went to the party Daria organized in honor of Galia’s birth. Tom really was a bit sick, but Amir really did insist on staying home with him.

  I knew I had to solve the mystery of Galia's father’s identity. I didn’t know if it would change anything, but not knowing, a feeling that was so unfamiliar to me in my present life, was just not an option. While all the children were in the playroom, I snuck up behind Nofar and cut a small strand of her hair. The next day, I sent it to a lab with hair that I cut from David's head while he slept and with a saliva sample I took from Galia’s mouth.

  I waited seventeen nerve-wracking days for the answer. I got it exactly on my thirty-second birthday, sixteen years after my second accident, my birthday present.

  Galia wasn’t David’s biological daughter. She was Nofar’s sister.

  EPILOGUE

  Yesterday was my forty-eighth birthday.

  I'm forty-eight years old now, but in my mind, I’m sixty-four. I woke up at the age of sixteen, but I was actually thirty-two.

  On my thirty-second birthday, when I discovered that Galia was Amir’s daughter, I waited in terror for the end of the day. I was afraid that once again, I’d be involved in an accident and wake up sixteen again. I didn’t want to get stuck in an endless cycle… I've had enough lifetimes. Thankfully, a day later, I lived to be thirty-two and a day, just as, today, I'm forty-eight and a day old.

  I was afraid to go back in time again. My new life wasn’t perfect, but the fact that I relived the sixteen years after my first car accident taught me that there’s no such thing as a perfect life.

  My pregnancy with Galia prepared me for my life after I turned thirty-two.
After sixteen years in which I had almost no surprises in my life, from the age of thirty-two, every moment of my life was new and unknown. It took me some time to get used to a reality in which I didn’t have an advantage over the rest of mankind, a reality in which my secret super power had expired. It was a reality that brought me tremendous relief because I didn’t need to pretend anymore.

  Once I got used to my new reality, I learned to enjoy life more than I ever had before in my old and new thirty-two years put together. I learned that there was no point in trying to always be in control. I realized that, no matter how much I planned, each person had his own destiny. I still believe that every person is the master of his fate, but I know that some things can’t be stopped. I couldn’t stop Galia from coming into this world.

  Inbal and Asi had twins. Asi's business almost went bankrupt, but Inbal stood beside him with love and dedication. Their love triumphed over their difficulties, and Asi has begun to make a success of himself again, even more so than before. I’m happy for Inbal, and realize that, by choosing David in my new life, I led her into Asi’s arms, and I often have the feeling that this alone was a good enough reason for everything I went through.

  Daria and Amir got divorced. Daria’s baby, born a month after my thirty-second birthday, wasn’t Amir’s, and he found out about it. I often wondered who the father was. I didn’t ask and she didn’t tell. However, I couldn’t ignore the fact that Aya, Lior's wife, hadn’t gotten pregnant for a third time in our present lives.

  David and I have stayed together. We have our ups and downs, some of them still have to do with my stressful job, which I refuse to give up despite the fact that he disapproves, but I know David is my soul mate, my destiny. I’ve never told him - and am not planning on telling him - that Galia is not his daughter. If there was one more conclusion that my special life has taught me, it’s that being a biological parent means nothing. Parenthood doesn’t come from birth. It’s created from years of love, nurture and education given to the child. David loves Galia dearly, and she loves him. She is his daughter just as she is mine.