by Holly Rayner
“I made you a sandwich to go,” he said.
“Thank you,” Eva said, taking the bag he’d left on the counter. “You really didn’t have to do all this.”
“I want to do nice things for you, Eva,” he said. “I have a car ready for you downstairs, whenever you’re ready.”
“I don’t even have to hail a cab? Good deal.”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Filipe said. “I don’t want you hailing cabs or taking the subway anymore. They’re dirty and dangerous. From now on, Joseph is at your disposal. I’ve already given him your cell phone number. He’ll give you his card when he drops you off.”
“Is this an offer, or a requirement?”
“Which answer is more likely to get you to use it?”
“An offer.”
“Then it’s an offer,” he said. “Besides, why take the subway or a cab when you can hang out with Joseph?”
Eva smiled.
“I guess I can’t argue with that.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye, Filipe. Thank you.”
Eva took the elevator downstairs. Joseph was already waiting for her.
The drive home seemed shorter than before. Maybe that was because Eva felt like she was walking on water. She bid Joseph goodbye, slipped his card into her wallet, and practically ran up the stairs. Once inside her apartment, she placed her sandwich on the counter and flopped onto her queen-sized bed.
“This is the life,” she said to herself.
At what cost?
There was a knock at the door. Eva groaned.
“Come on, Filipe,” she grumbled. “Enough flowers and chauffeurs, already.”
She opened the door to find a rent overdue notice taped onto it.
“Oh,” she whispered.
She brought the notice inside. She had more than enough money to pay the bill. But, for whatever reason, her mood was deflating. Was it right—feeling like she could walk on water—when, in reality, she was selling her child for a life of freeloading?
But that wasn’t true. She wasn’t going to freeload forever. A million dollars wasn’t a fortune. But it would give her a serious head start. Besides, she wasn’t selling her child. She was allowing her child’s father to raise it alone. In return, she was going to start a life of her own. Was that so wrong?
Eva opened her laptop and logged on to her bank account so she could wire transfer her landlord the rent money immediately.
“Oh my God,” she breathed when she saw the balance.
The number had increased by five hundred thousand dollars.
Eva snatched her phone and immediately called Filipe.
“Hello?”
“Filipe, what the hell are you doing?” Eva asked. “You said the first half comes after conception.”
“I didn’t know about your job then,” Filipe said. “Conception could take months. I’m not going to leave you hanging. And, quite honestly, I don’t want you working. If that means paying you early, I’m okay with that.”
“Well, thanks,” she replied. “I hope I’m still allowed to be active though. There are things I’m going to want to do.”
“You don’t have to clear everything with me,” he assured her. “I just want you to be as comfortable as possible throughout this process.”
For my sake, or the baby’s sake?
But Eva didn’t open that can of worms.
“Okay,” she said. “I had a nice time with you last night.”
“Me too,” Filipe said, although he sounded distant.
“Any idea when I’ll see you again?”
“Not for a while,” he said. “I’ve been called back to Europe for a family engagement. It could be a few weeks before I’m back in the city. Maybe a little longer.”
“Really?” Eva asked. “When are you leaving?”
“In an hour,” he said. “I just found out, myself.”
“Oh,” she said. “I guess, if you have to go, you have to go.”
“I do,” he said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
He hung up.
Eva’s good mood was completely gone now.
She sat on her new bed sullenly. It was hard to admit, even to herself, but she was going to miss him.
Maybe that was okay. Maybe this would give her time to think things through—to decide whether or not she really wanted to give her baby away.
You’ve already make this decision.
But maybe she hadn’t. Was this what life was going to be like? He’d been present last night. In fact, he’d been more than present. He’d been honest and open and happy. And now, he was gone again. And he would be gone for weeks.
Even if she didn’t change her mind, he might. In a way, she was relieved he’d already sent the money. Maybe he’d never come back. And, if she was already pregnant, she’d be left high and dry.
After all, there was no guarantee she was ever going to see or hear from him again. He had no obligation to her. There was no contract.
Eva realized she’d never been more confused over a man in her life. Sometimes, she thought it was abundantly clear that Filipe had feelings for her. He called her beautiful. He made her dinner. He told her she was special. He really seemed to understand her.
Then, the next minute, he was emotionally unavailable and cold. Which version of him was an act? And would her child get the same treatment?
She wished she could ask Filipe for the answers, but she knew he wouldn’t provide them. He probably wasn’t sure himself.
“What am I going to do for a few weeks?” Eva asked herself, realizing she was completely alone.
She thought about spending some of her money, but found herself oddly unable to do it. She needed new sheets and a comforter for her bed. She also needed to go grocery shopping. Yet, in her mind, the money was tainted.
Eva sighed.
She was going to keep seeing Filipe after he came back. She was going to get pregnant. She was going to have the baby and give it up. After that, she’d probably never see him again. It was that simple.
The sooner she stopped playing pretend, the easier this would all become.
You’re not in love with him, Eva insisted to herself. So, shake it off.
Except that, despite her best efforts to pretend otherwise, she was.
And there was nothing she could do about it.
Chapter Fifteen
Two weeks had passed since her “date” with Filipe, and already Eva was starting to go crazy.
About three days prior, she’d broken her pact to avoid using the tainted money. Her apartment had a fresh coat of paint, a new couch, and its own Wi-Fi system. Her closet was filled with new blouses, dresses, and shoes. She had a drawer filled with makeup, another with jewelry, and a full refrigerator for the first time in months.
She’d even been careful to purchase loose-fitting blouses. She was prepared for pregnancy—even if Filipe wasn’t prepared to actually get her pregnant.
She hadn’t seen or heard from him once during those fourteen days. Sometimes, Eva was certain he would stay in Europe forever. He couldn’t possibly be too busy to send a text message or an email, could he? Weren’t there assistants for that? She wouldn’t mind if the message came from someone else. She just wanted to know if, and when, he was coming back.
But no effort to communicate had been put forward, and Eva was fairly certain she knew why. Filipe was drawing a line in the sand. He was setting a boundary. When he was in Europe, Eva wouldn’t hear from him. That way, she would understand what to expect when the baby came.
She couldn’t help but wonder, though, if she’d still be his “girlfriend” in New York after the baby was born. He didn’t love Luiza. Why shouldn’t they continue to have fun?
You know why. You love him.
And who said he didn’t love her back? Maybe he did. But fourteen days of silence after a romantic evening didn’t exactly send signals of love. Eva knew she was probably holding her breath for no reason.
Well, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because today, officially, she was three days late for her period. She’d never been late for her period once.
When she went to the drugstore to purchase the test, she already knew the result. It was just a formality, really. And she was right.
Now, here she was, sitting on her brand-new couch, holding a positive pregnancy test in her hand.
They’d gotten pregnant after one attempt. Very few couples were able to say that. Eva couldn’t help but feel like it was a wasted miracle. She’d been hoping for the opposite.
She’d wanted an excuse to be with Filipe as long as possible. Then, maybe, just maybe, she could get him to fall for her. It was a pipe dream, but it was something she could hold onto—even while he was away.
He’ll come back, she’d told herself. It’s his baby, after all. He won’t stop trying. He’ll come back and we’ll be together and, in a few months, we’ll get pregnant. I’ll tell him I’m late. He’ll bring back a pregnancy test. I’ll take it. It’ll be positive and then…
Then she would know for sure. Because he’d either take her into his arms or he wouldn’t. The former would mean he had feelings for her. The latter would mean he was only there for the baby.
This, though? This certainly wasn’t how she envisioned it. Now, she had no way of knowing what his initial reaction would be. She didn’t know when he would be home, and therefore couldn’t wait to tell him in person. She was pregnant. He needed to know.
It was getting late, but she didn’t care.
Eva picked up the phone and dialed his number. She waited in anticipation as the ringing began. Half a ring later, the excitement ended. It went straight to voicemail.
Great. His phone is off. What am I supposed to do now?
She could leave a message. But that wasn’t very romantic. She didn’t like it. It seemed tacky. It certainly wasn’t the ideal way to handle a pregnancy announcement. Then again, this wasn’t an ideal situation. If he wanted a magical moment, he’d picked the wrong time to leave the country and abandon her.
“Please leave a message at the tone,” the automatic system told her.
“Fine,” Eva grumbled. “I will.”
There was a beep. She was on.
“Hey,” she said. “This isn’t how I wanted to tell you, but I’m pregnant. Call me back.”
Eva hung up the phone and threw it on the bed. She was frustrated and scared and tired. She was having a baby, for crying out loud, and the father was nowhere to be seen. He probably didn’t even care. She was alone with a baby and a boatload of money. She’d already bought everything she could want or think of—and that was mostly to get back at Filipe for going away.
The worst part? It hadn’t even made a dent in the account.
She felt tears coming on. She was sick and tired of crying. Over the span of her entire life, she’d cried maybe fifteen times. About half of them had happened in the past seven months. Eva was a strong girl, and a strong woman. Well, she used to be, anyway. She wasn’t supposed to cry.
If only my parents could see what I’ve turned into now.
This was no better than selling herself on the street corner. Sure, the paycheck was a lot bigger. And yeah, she only had to do it once. But she was selling her baby. That had to be in the same category as selling illegal drugs or giving alcohol to minors. Except it was worse. It was so much worse.
How many drug dealers lived in luxury? More than most people probably thought. They paid for everything in cash. That way, their dealings couldn’t be traced. How was she any different? She’d never be able to tell anyone how she’d obtained a million dollars. She’d have to pay for everything in cash and hope—pray—no one ever found out. She felt like she was living outside the law.
Yeah, for a man who won’t even answer his phone.
Just then, her phone rang. She ran to grab it and breathed a sigh of relief when she recognized Filipe’s number.
“Hello?”
“Eva?”
“Hey,” she said. “There’s something you should know.”
“I heard your voicemail. That’s fantastic!”
“Yeah,” Eva said.
She couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice, no matter how angry she was.
“When are you coming back?”
“Things are complicated right now,” he said. “I probably won’t see you again for a while, so this works out perfectly.”
“Yeah,” Eva whispered. “Perfectly.”
Sure. For him, maybe.
“Anyway, I want to send you more money to cover your medical expenses. Get an ultrasound done in the next few weeks and send me pictures. Okay?”
“Yeah,” she replied. “I can do that.”
How can he not tell that I’m upset?”
“Great,” he said. “Keep me updated if anything changes. I’m just a phone call away.”
“What if you don’t answer?” Eva asked. “You didn’t this time.”
“I might not answer the first time you call,” Filipe said. “Just keep trying. And make sure you leave me voicemails. I’ll be able to listen and determine if I need to call you back right away.”
“Oh,” she said weakly. “Okay.”
“This is really exciting,” he said. “I’ll try to get back to New York as soon as I can, but it could be a few months. I needed this today. I really did. Thank you for letting me know.”
You didn’t win a contest, Filipe.
Eva was shocked, to say the least. Didn’t he want to spend any time with her during her pregnancy? Didn’t he want to be there for the first ultrasound? For someone who claimed to care so much about his baby, he didn’t seem very enthused. He was acting like he’d won a trip to Jamaica. Never mind that he’d knocked her up and left her hanging.
It really was just about the baby.
“Sure,” Eva mumbled. “I’ll see you next time.”
“Sounds good.”
Eva hung up the phone. She couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. What was she doing to herself? Could she stop it?
But it was too late to go back. The baby was conceived. She could either go through with it, or she could be a single mom at twenty-five.
“He never promised me anything,” she told herself. “He has a wife. He has a family in Europe. His mother is dying. I’m not important. He never promised me anything.”
The words didn’t help. It was one thing to disappear on her. But why didn’t he want to be with the baby?
“Calm down,” she whispered. “It’s going to be okay. He’s just busy. He’ll come. He said he would.”
The anxious and sane portions of her brain argued until, finally, she fell asleep.
Twelve weeks later, Eva returned to her apartment from a charity event. She’d been to several in the past month, the latest in a string of obligations she’d created to keep herself from thinking about Filipe.
She’d had her first ultrasound nearly three months ago. She couldn’t believe she was already so far along. Filipe had been delighted by the pictures—or so he told her via email. Her second and third ultrasounds came and went. She sent photos to him diligently. Both times, they were replied to in just a sentence.
But Filipe was clearly still interested. Money kept appearing in her bank account. It was far more than she’d ever need to pay for medical expenses, but she wasn’t going to complain. Maybe he was sending the money out of guilt. She was pregnant with his child, and he was completely absent.
Her first trimester had reached its end. She had a clear baby belly now. Thankfully, she had no close friends or relatives—which meant no one had bothered to ask about her pregnancy.
Well, almost no one. Marie had spotted her on the stairs several days before. She had been ecstatic to hear the news.
“I didn’t realize you were with someone!” she’d exclaimed, her eyes bright and enthused.
“I’m not,” Eva had told her. “It wasn’t planned, but I’m happy.”
�
�Are you going to raise it alone?”
Eva had just nodded.
“Let me know if you need anything at all, okay?” Marie had said. “I’ll be there. Whatever you need.”
“I’m sure I’ll manage,” Eva had replied. “But thanks.”
That was the story she’d decided to go with. So far, she’d only had to use it on Marie. Her OB/GYN hadn’t asked. She figured it was better for people to believe she was a single mother than to constantly have to explain why the father was gone.
Still, it was a lonely life. Now that Eva finally had time (and money) to spend with her friends, she found she didn’t really want them anymore. She couldn’t be honest with them, and they would most likely judge her for having a baby out of wedlock.
Besides, if she dared to tell any of her former friends from Columbia about the baby, her parents would find out. She wasn’t willing to give them the satisfaction of thinking she’d screwed up without them. She would be tempted to explain the situation to save face, and Filipe had sworn her to secrecy.
In order to avoid that mess, Eva decided it was just easier to keep her distance. Instead, she spent her time volunteering at local zoos, donating money at charity events, and shopping uptown. Her clothes were so nice, and her wallet was so fat, that no one cared she was pregnant. All of them assumed she had someone waiting for her at home.
She considered buying a house. Pretty soon, the seven flights of stairs would become unbearable. But she wasn’t sure about such a big purchase. She still had six months of pregnancy left to go. Anything could happen. And she wasn’t sure how Filipe would feel if she moved. She wanted to ask him, but he never answered his phone.
If he didn’t pick up by her third trimester, she was moving—whether he liked it or not.
She’d stopped attempting to contact him altogether after the final round of ultrasound photos. If he didn’t care enough to respond, screw him (although that was probably the pregnancy hormones talking).
She’d seen him. Didn’t he realize that? All she had to do was search his name and dozens of articles about his most recent events popped up. She saw photos of him and Luiza together, holding hands and, once, even kissing. It broke her heart. He was there for his trophy wife, but he couldn’t find enough time to be there for his child (or the woman carrying that child).
