by L. M. Carr
My slow steps become hurried when I hear voices coming up from the kitchen.
“Oh, hi!” I give my parents a pointed look as they stand there chatting with Tyler.
I lean in and hug my mom, asking quietly why they’re at my house. I told her I wanted to do this alone.
“Just here to support you, Kare Bear,” she promises, assuring me with a wink.
I roll my eyes then smile in appreciation.
My dad nods and mumbles, “Keep me posted,” before following Tyler to the kitchen table and helping him set the crutches off to the side.
“Thanks,” Tyler remarks, giving my dad a genuine smile.
“Would you guys like to stay for dinner? I made a casserole and it’s just the two of us.” I stutter momentarily, trying to clarify that it’s just Tyler and me, not an “us.”
“We were on our way to grab something to eat, but…” My mom looks over at my dad, silently suggesting they stay.
“That’s fine with me.” My dad peeks under the aluminum foils then flashes a grin in Tyler’s direction. “Have you ever had Karrie’s casserole before?”
Tyler’s face shifts from looking uncomfortable to passive. “No, I haven’t. Is it good?”
Leaning over with mischief etched across his face, my dad faux-whispers, “It’s better than my wife’s.”
“Ha!” my mom laughs, striking my dad’s shoulder with a playful swat. “See if you get dessert tonight.”
“Mom! Please!” I beg, knowing that “dessert” is code for sex.
My mother laughs it off as she opens the fridge to grab a chilled bottle of wine.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Tyler asks eagerly. I smirk and tell him that he can sit and relax. “I wouldn’t want you to break my dishes.”
My parents, Tyler and I settle into a comfortable conversation about their recent trip and the change of the seasons. I shiver at the mention of the farmer almanac’s prediction of an early and brutal winter.
“Why don’t you like the snow?” Tyler sets his fork down and sits back. He wears the look of well-fed and satisfied.
“It’s not so much the snow as it is the cold I don’t like.”
“Oh man, this kid would be outside from sun up until sun down on snow days. She didn’t care about the cold back then,” my dad adds, remembering the days of my childhood.
“I was young!” I defend myself. “I didn’t know any better.”
An awkward moment seeps into the kitchen. Those were the words I said to my dad when I confided in him that my marriage to Alex was in jeopardy. I didn’t give him specifics; he would’ve killed Alex. I made him promise not to tell my mother which he did anyway. I avoided her for a few days afterward because I knew she’d pull the old “I told you so” or “You should have listened to me.” While I was free to make my own decisions in life, my mother liked to have a say. My father told me to stick it out and try to make things work. Divorce is a taboo word.
“So, no Tyler, I don’t like the snow.”
“I bet I can change your mind.” Tyler challenges with an air of confidence. Something in his demeanor reminds me of Alex. He had a way of making me do things I didn’t always want to do. Wear this not that. Do this not that. Go here not there. In the beginning I loved pleasing him, but that faded very quickly.
I respond sharply with contempt. “I doubt it.” I stand and excuse myself from the table.
When I return, the table has been cleared, the casserole put away and the dishes loaded and running in the dishwasher. I look around for my dinner companions and find them in the living room where my parents, respectively, sip on what little wine is left.
No one mentions my outburst or sudden exit.
Alex’s words ring in my ear. “You’re nothing but a spoiled little bitch.”
The realization that he may have been right sucker punches me in the gut as I sit in the single chair by the window, listening absentmindedly to the conversation around me.
An unfamiliar tone rings from across the room. Tyler picks it up and answers the call, connecting briefly with my eyes as he glances my way.
“Hi, Mom.”
I watch intently as Tyler talks with his mother and then his nephew. His whole character changes when he becomes spirited and animated on the phone.
Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m smiling, enjoying the Tyler Strong show.
“We’re going to get going home.” My mother, followed by my father, rises and leans over to kiss my cheek. My dad thanks me for dinner and then whispers in my ear, “It really is better than your mother’s.”
I return the loving smile.
“Hey! I heard that!” my mom quips.
“Thanks for coming over.” I stand and walk them to the door. “But please call next time.”
With a loud booming ruckus, Tyler hobbles into the foyer and extends his hand to my dad. They seem to exchange something more than just a hearty shake.
“Mr. Miller, it was good to see you again.”
“You take care and rest that leg. I might take you up on that offer when you’re back on your feet.”
My mom receives a quick kiss on the cheek along with a cordial salutation. “Thanks for the visit.”
“Bye guys! Love you!” I close the door and turn to face Tyler with narrowed, inquisitive eyes. “What was that about?”
He feigns innocence and I laugh.
“You just met my parents for the first time and now you’ve become best friends with my dad and my mom just about swooned over you!”
Tyler’s broad shoulder shrug with amusement. “I have that effect on people.”
“You’re so full of yourself!” I breeze past him and sit on the couch, curling up with a throw pillow on my lap.
A few moments later, Tyler takes a seat beside me; he’s close enough yet still far enough away. He props the crutches on the armrest.
“You realize your parents and I met before, don’t you?”
“You did?” He has my full attention. When?”
“At your wedding.”
The ghost of my former life slaps me in the face, reminding me that it’ll always be there.
“That’s right,” I sigh sadly. “Sorry. I guess I was in my own little world back then.”
Seconds become minutes as we lose ourselves in thought.
“That was a tough day for me.”
I burst out in confused laughter.
“What? Why would my wedding day have been a tough day for you?”
Tyler looks away, blinking slowly before sweeping his eyes back to mine. “I didn’t want to be there—”
“Then you shouldn’t have come!” I interject. “No one forced you to go, did they?”
With rounded eyes and raised eyebrows, Tyler’s face reveals his complete shock and utter surprise.
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
“Then what?” I antagonize. The kindling in my belly is set ablaze; I’m ready to spit fire.
“Forget it.” His chest fills with air and he releases the breath. “I don’t want to fight with you. That’s so far from what I want to do with you.”
Humiliation sets in. “I’m sorry.” I reach out and touch his forearm, extending an olive branch. “I don’t know how to do this. Do we talk about what happened? Or do we act like it all never happened?”
Tyler moves his arm so that his fingers lace with mine.
“Karrie, we have to talk about it. All of it, but we don’t have to do it all tonight.”
“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m afraid to do or say the wrong thing.”
Tyler squints at me, perhaps processing my words. “You can’t do or say the wrong thing…not to me. Just be yourself. That’s all I ask.”
I nod and smile softly. “Okay, but that’s easier said than done.” I stop myself from revealing that I don’t know who I am these days. Since the day I met Alex, I slowly transformed into someone else. Someone I didn’t even recognize some days.
“This show was awful!”
“What? This is classic 1998!” I toss the pillow in his direction. “What did you watch then?”
“I didn’t. I was always outside playing some sport.”
“Even in the winter?” I challenge.
“Ice hockey is one of my favorite sports.”
I shiver dramatically and over-exaggerate a look of abhorrence just thinking about the cold.
I compromise and change the channel, bypassing ESPN entirely and wait for his response. When he says nothing, I ask, “Want to watch the sports highlights?”
“No. I’d rather play than watch.” He grins. “Besides I already checked the scores on my phone.”
I listen intently as Tyler recalls stories upon stories from his youth. He understands the sacrifice his parents, particularly his mother, made for him and his brother.
“How’d you get into racing?” I ask, knowing we’re towing the line carefully because it’s something he did with Alex.
“My dad was into sports. We had dirt bikes and four-wheelers before we had bicycles.”
I sense there’s something he’s not telling me, but I don’t want to push the subject.
“My dad keeps saying he’s going to get a Harley cruiser.” I laugh heartily. “That’ll be the day.”
“You’re pretty close to your dad, huh?”
I nod. “My mom, too. Perks of being an only child.”
“That’s good. My dad took off the day after my brother and I turned twelve. The last time I saw him was at Tommy’s funeral. He had the nerve to show up after all this time.”
The tone in his voice changes and I get the impression he’s getting upset.
“Then it’s his loss.” I offer comfort.
“That’s what people say, but we lost, too. We grew up without a father. My brother didn’t handle it so well.”
I shift my weight to sit closer beside him and lean my head on his shoulder while the show continues. Neither one of us is really paying attention.
“I think that’s why Alex and I got so close so fast.”
I sit up quickly at the mention of my husband’s name.
“You don’t have to do this.” My words offer an escape.
“Why not? If it weren’t for Alex I wouldn’t be here right now. We wouldn’t be sitting here on your couch watching crap TV.”
“Why do you do that?”
He hums in question.
“Make things light-hearted.”
“Karrie,” Tyler moves to look directly at me. “Life is short. From the day we’re born, we already start to die. I don’t want to waste a single second being angry. Believe me, I’m furious with Alex, but I can’t change it. It is what it is. Life goes on.”
“Wow! You really live up to your name, don’t you?”
A sheepish smile tugs at his lips.
“It is a great name.”
MY EYES FLUTTER open at the sound of the obnoxious guy screaming on an infomercial. I struggle to make sense of why the television is sideways. Closing my eyes again, I drift back into a deep slumber until the sun shines on my face.
When my eyes open for a final time, Tyler’s leg, still bound in a plaster cast, comes into view. I blink quickly as my brain registers that I’m laying across Tyler’s chest and my hand is around his neck. I turn my nose inward and inhale the scent of his T-shirt.
I curse myself for having this dream. This has to be a dream, but the movement of his chest beneath mine confirms my worst fear. I am awake and I’m in Tyler’s arms.
Like a little mouse, I squeak a quick hello when he looks down at me.
“Good morning,” he says with a grin. “Did you sleep well?”
I nod before sliding my hands down from his neck and resting them on his chest. Beneath my fingertips, I feel his heart pounding wildly. Overwhelmed by what’s happening, I move to stand up, but Tyler tightens his hold on my back and asks me to wait just a minute.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”
I’m pulled tightly against his warm body and his hand rubs circles on my back.
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
He kisses the top of my head.
“For so long…from the very beginning…”
I jerk back and look at him cautiously.
“What are you talking about?”
He smiles softly then asks what I’m doing today.
“Don’t change the subject!”
He laughs.
“I’m not, I promise. I want to spend the day with you. Can I take you somewhere?”
A tickle of anticipation rumbles in my stomach.
“Sure, but today’s my shift at the clinic. I’ll only be gone for a few hours.”
A wary look flashes on Tyler’s face.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Clearing his throat, he nods, ending any further conversation.
“Will you be alright on your own for a few hours?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure? I can call my mom to come stay with you. Or you can call your mom.”
“I’ll be fine. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience your mom and my mom works third shift so she sleeps most of the day.
“I didn’t realize that.” I adjust the throw pillows and walk into the kitchen, calling over my shoulder, asking if he’d like coffee or tea.
“Coffee would be great.”
I set about brewing a pot of coffee as Tyler stands at the window, overlooking the backyard.
“I remember when Alex had this pool put in. He wanted to go with the bigger one, but you had to convince him to go with this one.”
My hand freezes on the refrigerator door when I realize how casually Tyler is talking about Alex. I resume the task of getting things for breakfast as my heart pounds heavily in my chest.
“How can you do it?”
Tyler turns to face me. “Do what?”
“Talk about Alex like nothing happened? He died. He’s not coming back.”
His lips tighten into a thin line. “You think I don’t know that. He was my best friend and the closest thing to a brother. I’ve forgiven him and I hope to God he’s forgiven me.”
I feel an ache in my heart.
“Every day when I open my eyes I realize I’m alive and he’s not. I realize I have another day to live my life. Another day to make things right.”
His voice trails off somberly.
“You make it sound like you’re this awful person who needs to be redeemed.”
Tyler’s eyes drift away and look down.
“There are things I need to make right. The most important one starts,” he hobbles over on his crutches, “right here with you.”
Mere inches create the space between our chests. My eyes scan the thin material of his fitted T-shirt. I moisten my lips quickly, preparing for his kiss.
His fingertips crawl up my arm until they reach my neck and he begins to massage my skin slowly. My entire body goes on high alert.
“Why are you doing this? Months ago we hated each other.”
A side grin appears. “You hated me?”
“Loathed immensely,” I admit.
He tips my head back, forcing my eyes to meet his straight on.
“And now?” I force myself not to look down at his mouth.
I’m in love with you.
My teeth clamp down on my lip as I suppress a smile when my voice becomes breathy and low.
“And now you’re here with a broken leg, driving me crazy.”
He lowers his mouth to my ear.
“How exactly am I driving you crazy, Karrie?”
I grip his wrist for support as stuttered words em
erge.
“I…you…how can this…I want...”
The softest, the most delicate kiss in the history of kisses is placed just below my earlobe followed by a succession of several more.
“Am I wrong to feel this way?” I ask quietly, praying silently he’ll say no.
“I don’t think so…although others might disagree. But from the first time I saw you, I wanted you.”
Shocked by his admission, I gasp and pull back. “What? You did not!”
With gentle yet strong hands, he guides me back to where I was.
“I promise you I did.”
His eyes appear more blue than green when he blinks, revealing sincerity and truth. “I’ve got a lot to tell you.”
***
DEAR GOD, PLEASE let me be doing the right thing. You wouldn’t have brought Tyler into my life for no reason, right? How did this even happen?
When I arrive back home from my shift at the clinic, I sit in the car for a few minutes to finish my silent conversation before I close the garage door and exit my car. I walk into the house and immediately notice how tidy the kitchen is. I let out an annoyed huff. My mother didn’t say anything about coming over today.
The sound of music beckons me to find its source. Following the tempo, I walk down the hall and stop at the guest room.
My eyes aren’t prepared for the image before them.
“Seventy-two. Seventy-three.”
A shirtless Tyler hisses the numbers as he bends his elbows, lowering his body to the floor and then extending his arms to rise back up. The muscles in his triceps elongate, showing clear definition from hours in the gym.
My tongue betrays me and slips through my lips, licking slowly in anticipation of savoring something delicious.
As if they have a mind of their own, my eyes rake over him, taking in the complete view of his body drenched in a sheen of sweat. Quietly I ogle him as he continues to push himself through the point of exhaustion noted by the trembling of his arms. From this angle, I can see how strong his core is, each layer of muscle reveals itself through his abs. When the last rep is done, Tyler flips over and lays flat against the floor, throwing his arms over his face while keeping his legs propped on the bed where they’ve always been.
