"God," he whispered as a surge of lust ran through him, accompanied by a bit of pain at the knowledge that he would never get to do this for himself.
"Are you all right?" asked Niall, breaking their kiss and touching a hand to Cohen's cheek. Cohen had to give him credit for looking concerned even when he was obviously flushed with lust.
"I'm fine," said Cohen, and Niall kissed him again. It was hard to think about anything when Niall was kissing him like that, and Cohen was lost to the feeling of Niall's soft, pliant tongue and hard body, his cock straightening and filling out as Cohen pumped it. Together they stumbled over to the bed, and Cohen, in a moment of confidence, pushed Niall down and straddled him, kissing him still and running his hands over him once again.
They kissed for what seemed like an eternity, neither of them interested in rushing things. Niall's hands mostly remained on Cohen's back, sometimes sliding down to touch the backs of his thighs or brush over his ass. Cohen was exploring Niall's body thoroughly, with his hands first, and then his mouth. It was surprisingly similar to being with a girl, and Cohen felt relaxed and confident. He loved flicking his tongue over Niall's nipples, running it between the muscles of his stomach and over his hips.
Eventually he found himself between Niall's legs, and Niall automatically lifted his knees and spread his legs. Cohen ran his fingers up Niall's thighs, over his balls and down to the puckered skin underneath.
"You all right with this?" he confirmed.
Niall nodded. "I trust you."
"Can we do it this way, or should you turn over?"
"This way is fine."
"Okay," Cohen smiled. "Good, I want to look at you."
He moved away for a moment to grab the lube, secretly feeling a little nervous. "You've done this before, right?" he asked Niall, turning back as he rubbed lube between his fingers.
Niall was lying with his head still back, and didn't respond right away. "Yeah, yeah. Jacky and I..." he trailed off.
Cohen flinched, moving closer again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dredge up bad memories."
Niall sat up a little, shrugging. "You're different from him. I thought what we had was good, but..." He was staring off into the distance now, his eyes lidded. "You know, looking back I don't think he was that kind to me. I'm sure he loved me but... I don't know if he cared about me."
"I care about you," Cohen reassured him. "I only want to do this if you do."
"I do," said Niall, his gaze finally snapping back to the present. "You don't know, I've wanted it for so long, I..." He laughed and ducked his head. "Sorry, never mind."
"No, what?" Cohen pestered him, laughing along with Niall. "What is it?"
"You know I used to watch your videos, sometimes, right?" said Niall. "Like, they'd let me go on the internet sometimes, and then once I escaped, I watched all of them, and I read your books. I... I sort of had a huge crush on you."
"Well, now you've met me, so I'm sure that's killed it dead," laughed Cohen, a little excited by Niall's admonition despite himself.
"Not exactly," said Niall with a grin, and then he leaned forward to kiss Cohen again. "Sort of..." he said between kisses, "I'd say... the exact opposite... actually... oh!"
Cohen had slid a wet finger over his opening and, encouraged by Niall's reaction, did it again, firmer this time. Niall leaned back and Cohen moved forward and began to finger him properly, one hand on Niall's cock, and the other moving in and out in a hooked motion. "This is right, right?" he confirmed. "This is how you do girls."
"Wouldn't know," grunted Niall. "But yeah, that's good. Oh!"
A brilliant excitement was buzzing through Cohen. He'd forgotten how much he loved giving pleasure. He could keep doing this forever, but Niall was looking up at him with his eyes dark and desperate.
"Cohen, please," he whispered, and Cohen hurriedly lubed the dildo up, sliding his hands over the length. The base bumped against him, sending a shudder of dysphoria through his legs to combat the excitement, but Cohen steadfastly ignored it. He pumped the dildo a few more times, forcing himself to adapt to the feeling, forget what the base was pressing against, focus on what the tip was pressing into.
"Go slow, okay?" Niall asked, "It's been a long time." He was propped up on his elbows, his body a gorgeous taut bow of sinews and muscles, and he tilted his head back as Cohen began to slide in, revealing the long lines of his throat and the bobbing lump of his Adam's apple. "Oh, god yes..." he moaned as Cohen leaned forward, his hands on Niall's hips for balance.
Cohen pressed his legs together as waves of lust washed through him at the sight of Niall like that. He leaned forward, wanting to be closer to Niall, and the dildo slipped in fully. Niall moaned, and Cohen thought for a moment the he was in pain, but then Niall's hands clamped around Cohen's arms and he pulled Cohen on top of him, wrapping his legs tightly around Cohen's hips.
Their faces were close enough to kiss again, and Cohen took advantage of it. Their tongues slid together, inside mouths and along lips and Cohen moved his hips, sliding in and out of Niall. He was out of practice, tiring quickly, but Niall was doing a lot of the work with his legs anyway. Niall's cock was hard up against Cohen's stomach; Cohen could feel it through the fabric of his t-shirt. He rubbed against it a little as he fucked, and Niall moaned into his mouth.
"God, I'm going to come, Cohen."
"Mm," Cohen pushed through into his second wind and continued fucking. The slight readjustment had caused the base of the dildo to press into him perfectly, and suddenly he didn't need to make himself move his hips, his body was doing it for him, desperate for more of that rocking pressure. "Mm! Niall!" He gasped, lifting himself up a little on his arms, and continued moving his hips. He could feel his face contorting with pleasure, could barely control the noises that escaped his mouth. The tip of Niall's cock was still pressing into his stomach, hard and a little wet now. Cohen wanted to reach down and touch it, but he didn't want to risk losing that delicious pressure on his cock.
Niall did it for him, reaching down to pump himself as Cohen climaxed, holding the dildo deep inside Niall for as long as possible. Niall came a second later, spurting hot liquid onto Cohen's shirt and stomach. His body completely spent, Cohen collapsed onto Niall, and they lay gasping together.
Cohen thought maybe he ought to say something, or move, but for a long time, just lying there with Niall was all he wanted. Niall seemed to think the same thing, because he didn't say anything either, just lay quietly, stroking Cohen's hair and staring off into the distance again.
Finally Cohen's leg began to cramp a little, and he pulled back, sliding the dildo out of Niall. Niall smiled at him a little, and Cohen thought that he was probably fully aware of how sexy he looked, spent and sticky and open.
They took showers separately, Cohen not sure he was quite ready to be naked with Niall yet. But he put another t-shirt on (his third for the night) without his binder. He'd felt quite dysphoric through the whole process of cleaning off, and throughout the sex as well, really. But it had absolutely been worth it.
Niall dimmed the fire and then set up some sort of spell on the door to wake him if Cohen tried to sleepwalk, and then he came to bed, curling his body around Cohen's and snuggling close. For a while he was so quiet that Cohen thought he had fallen asleep. Then he stirred and said, "I'm going to talk to Jacky again, after work tomorrow. You're right, I can't just stand by and do nothing."
Cohen felt his blood run cold. "No," he said instinctively. "I don't want you to. What if he tries to hurt you?"
"Then I'll try to hurt him back," said Niall simply. "I can take care of myself."
Cohen sniffed and snuggled closer to Niall. He didn't like this one bit. He really had gotten himself involved in something bad. He was falling for a man who was in danger of dying. Was this what it was like to be married to a soldier? He didn't like it. He wanted Niall safe. He wanted to spend the last of his savings to cart him off to somewhere safe and leave all this behind. But he'd been the one who h
ad told Niall that he couldn't just run away.
"You're brave," he told Niall, and Niall scoffed quietly.
"I'm really not. I'm a coward. Complacent."
"You're kind."
"I suppose that's true. Too kind."
"Maybe a little." Cohen laughed.
Niall turned to face Cohen, and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss, devoid of any of the desperation of earlier. This one lingered, sweet, as if he didn't want the moment to end. Finally it did, and Niall took Cohen's face in his hands. "I don't know what's going to happen to me," he said. "But I want you to know that I think you're brilliant. And I hope..." he broke off, but Cohen thought he knew what he'd been going to say.
"I hope so, too," he said. "I'm glad I met you."
They fell asleep at last, with Niall's arms locked around Cohen. Cohen's dreams were a confused mixture of excitement and desperation and fear, held at bay only by the warmth of Niall next to him and the memory of his hot, fervent kisses.
Chapter Eight
Cohen woke earlier than Niall, and he slipped out of bed quietly, careful not to wake him. The spells that Niall had set up seemed to be able to tell whether or not he was sleepwalking, because they let him leave the room without incident. He made a stop at his suitcase to grab the little black case, and headed to the bathroom with it. He was supposed to do his shot tonight, but he couldn't wait any longer.
He pulled the syringe out and began the process, drawing the thick clear liquid into the barrel, and then switching the needle for a long, thinner one. He remembered the first few times he'd done this, he'd been shaky and unsure. Now it was second nature. Pulling off his pyjama trousers, he sat on the toilet lid in his briefs and wiped the spot on his thigh with sterilizer.
Drawing in a deep breath, he positioned the long needle directly over his leg, and, with a long exhale, stabbed downwards. The needle slid in effortlessly, and Cohen forced himself to stay relaxed. There was a bit of a sting, and the inevitable reaction of confusion and upset from his body. The light above him was a little too bright, and his heart was beating fast. Taking another long breath, he gripped the barrel and slowly pushed the plunger down. He wanted to do it quickly, to get it over with, but he forced his hand to move slowly and surely. When the needle was empty at last, he pulled it out of his leg with a swift motion, and set it down on the counter next to him.
Done. He was good for two weeks. The relief washed through him. He knew it wouldn't be taking effect yet, but he already felt better. He cleaned up, wiping everything down with more sterilizer, and disposing of the needles in the special bin he'd brought, before pulling his trousers back on and then heading back into the bedroom.
Niall was awake when he returned, sitting up and watching curiously as Cohen returned the case to its place amongst his clothes. "Are you going to have to do that for the rest of your life?" he asked.
"Probably." Cohen sighed, slipping into the bed with Niall. It had been cold in the bathroom, but Niall had kept the bed nice and warm. "Which is a pain, because I want to travel, and live in different countries. I don't like being limited to where I can easily access my meds."
Niall leaned over him and kissed him lightly. Cohen took a deep, shaky breath and kissed him back. Niall's warmth was slowly pushing the shivers and cold away. "Where do you want to go?" asked Niall.
"I'm not sure yet," Cohen admitted. "I know I want somewhere I can be independent. My parents don't know it, but this trip was sort of a test run, to see how I could handle living on my own, to figure out exactly what I wanted."
"What have you figured out, then?"
"Hm," Cohen snuggled in closer to Niall, thinking. "Well, I know I don't want a small town. I think I'm a city lad at heart. I wanted to go somewhere no one knew who I was, but I think you get more anonymity in a big city. And I..." He paused. He'd wanted to be alone. He'd felt put upon, with his family, like he never had any privacy or space. But he was with someone now, and he didn't feel that way at all. "I thought I wanted to be alone, but... maybe I was just waiting for the right person."
"Cohen..." Niall sounded apprehensive.
"Seriously Niall, think about it." Cohen let his imagination run wild. "I could buy a place somewhere far away; there must be places that the Guild doesn't have much influence. And then once I'm settled in, you could come live with me. No one would know you were there, and you wouldn't have to work or come up with a fake ID or anything."
Niall's face was blank. Cohen looked up at him waiting for him to respond. "Niall?"
"I don't want to think about it," said Niall. "I'm sorry Cohen, but I don't want to hope for that sort of thing. If the Guild catch me again, and they take me back there..." He shuddered, and Cohen felt it pass through him as well. "I don't want to have that hope taken away from me. It would kill me."
"We could go right now," said Cohen. "We could leave tonight."
"We can't," said Niall. "And you know that. I have to stop Jacky."
Cohen sighed, and settled back into Niall, his fantasy dissipating like mist in sunlight. "Well, it was a nice thought."
"I'll go talk to Jacky tonight," said Niall. "After work. I don't know if I can change his mind, or even get through to him at all, but I have to try. I can't stop trying."
"I'll go with you," said Cohen.
"No!" Niall shook his head violently. "You can't. It's too dangerous. And, anyway, Cohen, listen." He put a hand to Cohen's face and kissed him again. "If..." he whispered, "If that plan of yours is going to work out, it's imperative that the Guild not find out that I'm involved with you. Otherwise they'll use you to get to me. Do you understand?"
"I do," said Cohen. He did understand. But he also knew that there were more important things at stake than their future together. That was why they couldn't leave right now, not until Jacky was stopped. And why, if it came down to it, he would have to sacrifice everything to stop him. "But I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened, and I did nothing to stop it."
"You don't need to do anything," said Niall. "Just keep yourself safe."
*~*~*
Cohen pushed the small white button firmly and listened as the doorbell echoed throughout the house within. A few seconds later there was a thumping from indoors and the door flew open.
A teenage girl stood there, her eyes alight. She stared at Cohen for a few moments, then lunged forward and embraced him with a squeal. "Oh my god, it's you!" she squeaked. "I'm your biggest fan!"
"Um." Cohen was torn between the desire to disentangle himself from her long skinny arms and not wanting to offend her. "I guess you're probably Myrna's daughter?"
The girl jumped back and straightened her bobbed black hair nervously. "Yeah!" she squeaked again, breathless. "I'm Kelsie. Sorry." She wrung her long fingers together and then Myrna's voice boomed from inside the house.
"What are you doing, Kelsie? Invite him in." She appeared at the doorway behind her daughter a few seconds later, looking disgruntled and holding a newspaper. "Glad you could make it," she said with a small smile. "Sorry about my daughter."
"It's okay," said Cohen, trying to smile at Kelsie who was still wringing her hands and staring at him in awe. "It's nice to meet a fan."
At that, Kelsie's forced reservation dissolved once again, and she pounced on him for another hug.
"Kelsie," said Myrna in a warning tone, and Kelsie backed away.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she fluttered. "It's just I never met another trans person before!"
"You probably have and just didn't know it," said Cohen, a smile creeping onto his face.
"Yeah, but you're the first person I knew about," she said, her face now taking on a slight pink tone. "You're so amazing!"
"I'm not that amazing in real life," Cohen warned her. "I'm just normal."
"Well now, you're slightly amazing," laughed Myrna. "All right, Kelsie, back off and let your sister say hello."
Cohen hadn't even noticed there was another person in the room, a little plump g
irl with the same frizzy red hair and stern face as Myrna. "Hello," she said solemnly, holding out a hand for Cohen to shake.
Cohen shook it, unable to keep from smiling. "Hello, I'm Cohen. What's your name?"
"I'm Noleen," she intoned. "It's nice to meet you. Kelsie made me watch all your videos."
"Shut up, Pinky!" said Kelsie, looking quite mortified considering the shameless abandon she had displayed a moment ago.
"Well you did!" said Noleen, sticking her chin out.
"Girls," said Myrna firmly, "go and check on dinner, please."
The girls skittered off to the kitchen, and Myrna gave Cohen a long-suffering look. "I'm sorry about Kelsie," she said, beckoning Cohen into the sitting room. "You see I couldn't not invite you to dinner, there'd be a mutiny."
"I understand," said Cohen. When Myrna still looked apologetic, he continued. "It's really okay, I've met other young people like her; I guess I sort of accepted the mentor role when I came out publicly."
"You didn't really have a choice though, did you?" she asked as they sat down.
"Well, I suppose I could have gone into hiding," joked Cohen, and then a little more solemnly, "I suppose I have."
"I'm sorry to drag you out of it," said Myrna apologetically. "But I promise you'll get nothing but support in this house."
"I still need it here," sighed Cohen, thinking of how the people in town had treated him. He'd been afraid to go into town today, preferring to lock himself up at home and attempt to distract himself. Niall had left for work shortly after their conversation and Cohen had spent the day writing. He'd given up on writing the next book in his series, instead letting whatever came to him flow out. Nothing amazing had come of it, but it felt good to be doing it again. And it was the only thing that had kept the anxiety he felt over Niall at bay. Niall must be done working by now. He was probably talking to Jacky. What if he was in danger?
Cohen felt cold dread shoot through him at the thought, despite the warm comfort of Myrna's sitting room. "Sorry," he said, realising that he'd trailed off.
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