‘Sssssh! It might hear you.’
‘Is it near by?’ whispered Knackerleevee. The Duke shook his head. ‘Then why do we have to be quiet?’ The Duke thought about this, his forehead frowning more and more with each passing second. At last he shook his head.
‘I don’t know,’ he admitted. ‘Could you ask me again tomorrow, when I’ve had time to think about it? I’m afraid I’m rather confused. I don’t understand this at all,’ he complained. ‘Why are you here?’
‘We’ve come to rid you of the MoNsta,’ Belinda said simply. ‘You sent a note to Daddy asking for help. Well, I’m the help.’
‘You?’
‘Yes, me and my two friends here, Hubert and Knackerleevee.’
‘But, but, you’re a princess,’ stuttered the Duke.
‘Yes.’
‘Princesses don’t fight MoNstas.’
‘Why not?’
‘Er, it’s um, it’s…’ The poor Duke shook his head again. For several seconds he looked totally stunned, and then a bright thought occurred to him. ‘Look here, you can’t fight the MoNsta because you can’t have the prize.’
‘And why can’t I have the prize?’ asked Belinda.
‘Well, it would be so silly, wouldn’t it?’
‘Why? What is the prize?’
‘It’s my daughter. Whoever defeats the MoNsta can marry my daughter, Taloola. You can’t marry my daughter now, can you?’ The Duke beamed at Belinda triumphantly. ‘Of course you can’t. You’re already married!’
The Bogle let out an enormous groan. He was beginning to think it would be a great relief to everyone if the MoNsta did eat the Duke. Belinda gave Hubert a look of despair. She was about to start arguing with the Duke when a door at the far end of the royal chamber burst open and in came Taloola.
At least, she didn’t exactly come in. It was more like a small explosion of golden hair and red lipstick and mouth and noise and flailing body. Not only was Taloola glamorous, but she was tubby – in fact ‘tubular’ would probably be a better description. (It was something she had inherited from her father.)
‘Popsicle!’ cried Taloola, with tears streaming down her face and making rather a mess of her eyeliner and cheek-blush. ‘I can’t stand any more of this. Everywhere I go there are princes trying to marry me. The castle is full of them! They’re even sleeping in cupboards now! I will not marry a handsome prince, not even if the two-headed MoNsta eats everyone in the country; not even if you put sardines in my chocolate mousse; not in a million, zillion years. You know I love Gordon the goatherd, and I shall never marry anyone but him!’
With this magnificent outburst Taloola threw herself howling at her father’s feet.
3 Enter the Handsome Prince
It was Hubert who went to Taloola’s rescue. He leaned over her, crooning gently.
‘There, there, it’s all right, Taloola… don’t cry.’ Then He made an almost fatal mistake – he tried to lift Taloola to her feet. He managed to raise her top half from the floor, but couldn’t manage her legs. He then succeeded in lifting both her legs, but couldn’t manage her top half. After a couple of failed attempts he gave Knackerleevee a desperate look. The Bogle strode over, flung one arm round Taloola’s waist and swept her from the floor.
‘Oh!’ simpered Taloola, fluttering her false eyelashes at the Bogle. ‘You are strong! But why are you wearing a fur coat? It’s the middle of summer. And what’s that funny smell?’
‘It’s not a fur coat. Knackerleevee is a Bogle, and that’s his real skin,’ Belinda explained.
Taloola gave a startled shriek and hurriedly pulled a pair of glasses from her little handbag. She took one look, slapped the Bogle’s face, cried, ‘Unhand me, you villainous beast!’ and fainted. The Bogle dumped her on the ground and folded his hairy arms.
‘I’m not picking her up again,’ he growled.
The Duke clapped his hands and four guards appeared. They heaved the unfortunate girl into a seat, where she sat slumped over to one side. Belinda decided that now would be a good opportunity to ask her uncle why the castle was stuffed with princes.
‘It’s very simple,’ explained the Duke. ‘The first prince to kill the MoNsta will marry my daughter. You wouldn’t believe how many princes have turned up. The castle is crawling with them.’
‘And have the princes seen Taloola?’ Belinda couldn’t help asking.
‘Of course,’ said the Duke. ‘They love her, adore her, worship her. Of course there is the added attraction of one million gold coins – but I’m sure it is Taloola that the princes are really after.’
‘Of course,’ murmured Belinda. ‘But what about Gordon the goatherd?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. A duke’s daughter can’t marry a goatherd.’
‘Why not?’
‘Why not? I’ll tell you why not. Because er, er… they smell! That’s why not.’
‘Everybody smells,’ Belinda pointed out.
‘Ah yes, but um, er… they’ve got horns!’ cried Dudless. Belinda shook her head.
‘No, Uncle: a goat has horns, not a goatherd.’
‘Well it’s just not done. Ladies in our family always marry princes,’ he blustered.
‘I didn’t. I married an artist.’
‘Splrrrrrrrrrgh!’ The Duke of Dork almost choked. ‘My daughter will marry a prince,’ he shouted. Then his face crumpled. ‘I can’t wait for her to leave home. She’s so – overwhelming, so moody and mountainous. I can’t cope any more, and her mother never listens to anything except cheese. Then this dreadful MoNsta appeared – it really is terrible you know – and we all thought we were going to die. In fact I did die, but then my butler woke me up with a cup of tea and said I’d been asleep. And then I got this idea and it really is rather clever you see, because all these princes have arrived here, and they’ve got to kill the MoNsta and marry Taloola, and then they’ll take her away and everything will be peaceful once more.’
Belinda and Hubert and the Bogle were by this time sitting at the Duke’s feet, listening
intently to his tale of woe.
‘Why can’t Gordon the goatherd fight the MoNsta and then marry Taloola?’ asked Hubert.
‘Oh I don’t think that would work at all,’ said Dudless. ‘Have you met Gordon? He’s a vegetarian. Built like a stick insect. He couldn’t hurt a fly.’
‘Then why not let us deal with the MoNsta?’ suggested Belinda. ‘And if we get rid of this dreadful MoNsta then Taloola can marry Gordon and everyone will be happy.’
The Duke of Dork brightened visibly for a moment. Then his face fell. ‘What about all the princes that have already arrived. I can’t just send them away.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Hubert. ‘Belinda and Knackerleevee will deal with the MoNsta long before the princes get anywhere near it. Then Taloola can marry Gordon and leave home, and everyone will be happy ever after. How’s that?’
Dudless remained cheerful this time, and the three friends could see that their little adventure was going to be fairly straightforward after all. Unfortunately though, they had rather underestimated the skill and determination of a certain Prinz Blippenbang.
Prinz Blippenbang was a typical handsome prince. He was stunningly strong and good-looking. He had blue eyes, blond hair, a firm, jutting jaw, a straight back and broad shoulders.
He had a powerful chest that rippled with muscles, and even more rippling muscles down each arm and leg.
All these things made him sound too good to be true, and of course he was too good to be true. In fact, he wasn’t good at all. He was bad through and through. Here are just a few of the things that Prinz Blippenbang had done in the past.
He had stolen his grandmother’s ear-trumpet, filled it with rice pudding and given it back. She almost died of shock when she found rice pudding pouring out of her ear – she thought her brain was falling out of her head.
He had almost drowned his little sister’s tortoise in the palace pond by making a submarine out of cardboard and usi
ng the tortoise as a test pilot. The submarine sank at once and the tortoise only managed to escape by kicking the sides to bits.
He had frittered away most of his father’s fortune by placing bets on such strange things as: ‘A fairy-godmother will arrive on Tuesday morning and turn all your pyjamas into gold’ or, ‘It will rain every day for two hundred years, starting tomorrow.’ He could never resist a bet, no matter how ridiculous.
Now Prinz Blippenbang had run out of money altogether, and he was desperate to get his hands on Taloola’s fortune, but not on Taloola herself. The Prinz was shrewd and clever. He knew that there would be other princes after the money and, more importantly, he knew that the MoNsta was not going to be an easy victim. MoNstas that eat armies and pet rabbits are not the sort of MoNstas to go all weak at the knees and start begging for mercy if you simply point a sword at them. No, this MoNsta was going to be TROUBLESOME.
And that was why Prinz Blippenbang had brought a bazooka with him.
A bazooka is like a small, portable cannon. It is a very powerful weapon. When the bazooka is loaded and the trigger is pulled something nasty happens. A cannonball comes whizzing out at top speed and flies towards its target in a very dangerous manner. When it hits the target the result is something that looks like a mixture of scrambled egg, tomato sauce and lots of smoke.
Any MoNsta facing a bazooka like the one Prinz Blippenbang had, was going to be in dead trouble. In other words, in trouble and dead. The MoNsta was as good as this already, and he knew it.
When Prinz Blippenbang and all the other princes realized that a girl was going to challenge the MoNsta they almost laughed their socks off. ‘But you’re a girly!’ they cried. ‘You can’t find the MoNsta!’ This was rather stupid of them, but Belinda kept her cool.
‘Do you believe in unidentified flying objects?’ she asked.
‘Of course not,’ they scoffed. ‘Don’t be so silly.’
‘I can prove they exist,’ said Belinda, smiling. Knowing what was about to happen, Hubert and
Knackerleevee both looked for a safe place to shelter. ‘I’ll show you,’ she said. She waded in amongst the crowd of princes and soon royalties and highnesses were flying right, left and centre. Some flapped their arms like birds, and some whirled round like helicopters, and several made very loud jet noises as they flew through the air.
‘Neeeyyaaaaargh!’
The only thing they had in common was that they all crashed with loud thuds and bangs and then limped away moaning and groaning, looking for bandages and sympathy.
Prinz Blippenbang watched with cunning interest as the Karate Princess coolly despatched seventeen princes. Here was someone who might well interfere with his plans. He was going to have to keep a close eye on Belinda and her companions. If he wanted to claim the MoNsta for himself and win those million gold coins, then he would have to do something about the Karate Princess and her friends – like get rid of them.
Prinz Blippenbang patted his bazooka. He was looking forward to putting it into action.
4 The MoNsta Makes a Visit
As Belinda dusted herself down she watched the last of the brave princes crawl away with a pained whimper.
‘Can we look yet?’ asked Hubert. ‘Is it safe?’
‘Of course,’ laughed Belinda. Knackerleevee banged his hands together.
‘You are a warrior, Princessness,’ he bellowed cheerfully, but Hubert was more wary.
‘I do wish you wouldn’t do that. You might at least warn them in advance.’
‘What good would that do? They’d just go on laughing and poking fun at me. I hate being made fun of.’
‘I’ll bear it in mind,’ murmured Hubert. ‘But maybe you should wear a sign on your jacket – something like: DANGEROUS – DO NOT APPROACH. Anyway, let’s get on with the matter in hand. What are we going to do about the MoNsta?’
‘We’re going to kill it,’ declared the Bogle, making it sound a lot easier than it was going to be.
‘How? We’re talking about a creature that can fly. It’s got two heads and four tongues, which apparently are half a mile long and very sticky. They flick out and things stick to them and then the MoNsta eats them. Big MoNstas with sticky tongues aren’t nice, Knackerleevee. I’ve heard that it’s as big as a house.’
‘That doesn’t mean anything,’ the Bogle grumbled. ‘What kind of house? It could be a house for a mouse, a mouse-house…’
‘Don’t be silly. Mice don’t have hice, I mean houses,’ said Hubert. ‘You know perfectly well I mean a big house, a proper house.’
Belinda listened to this argument with increasing frustration.
‘This isn’t getting us anywhere. We need a plan.’ But before they could put their heads together loud cries began to ring throughout the castle.
The MoNsta was on the move. It had been seen, hovering over the distant hills and heading towards the castle. Dudless was having a panic attack. It was easy to tell that he was in a state of high anxiety because he was standing on top of the dining table with a paper bag
over his head so that he couldn’t see. He was trembling all over, so much so that even the table was quaking. He held a bucket in one hand and he was fiercely brandishing a mop with the other.
‘Stand back or I’ll shoot!’ he yelled. ‘You can’t get me, you horrible MoNsta!’
‘Uncle!’ cried Belinda, hurrying into the room. ‘It’s all right. The MoNsta is still miles away.’ The trembling stopped and the mop was lowered.
‘Are you sure?’ asked the Duke.
‘Quite sure. Anyway you are surrounded by brave princes who have all come here to protect you. Even now some of them are riding out to meet the MoNsta and fight it.’
‘Oh? That’s a relief.’ Dudless pulled the bag off his head. ‘Mind you, it won’t do any good, Dorinda.’
‘BELINDA,’ chorused the three friends.
‘It will slurp them all up, just like it slurped up my army. It’s horrible. Its tongues are all yellow and purple, you know, and slimy.’ Hubert helped the Duke down from the table.
‘Do you know where it lives?’ he asked.
‘Afraid not. Nobody knows. Everyone is too scared to follow it. Besides, it flies away. We think it goes off somewhere to sleep after it’s eaten, like a snake.’
The Karate Princess frowned. ‘This is going to be more difficult than I thought. I was hoping we might be able to catch the beast in its lair, while it’s asleep, but if nobody knows where it lives that will be difficult.’
‘We can follow it, Highship.’
‘We can’t fly,’ Hubert pointed out.
‘I could throw you,’ suggested Knackerleevee darkly. He was getting a bit tired of Hubert always being cleverer than he was. He knew he wasn’t terribly clever, but he didn’t like other people to think so.
Belinda wasn’t even listening to them. She had ideas of her own. ‘What we need is some string.’
‘String? What are you going to do? Tie the MoNsta up?’ cried Dudless. ‘You can’t tie up a MoNsta with little bits of string.’ Belinda ignored him.
‘I want every bit of string there is in the castle,’ she said.
‘I think you’re very silly,’ Dudless replied, stubbornly folding his arms.
Belinda’s face darkened. She glanced briefly round the room and her eyes fell upon a big oak armoury cupboard standing at the far end. She approached it slowly, softly and silently. As she drew nearer her whole body became a focus of energy, her muscles tightly sprung. She stopped for a moment, her body coiling itself up, and then she launched her attack. With a few bounds she had thrown herself at the cupboard.
‘Haa-akkkk!’ Her legs snapped out in front of her and both feet thundered against the cupboard with such force that the doors split apart and the contents spilled out with a noise like a thousand crashing saucepans.
Twelve suits of armour crashed to the floor, followed by helmets and swords and spears and bows and arrows. Finally the cupboard itself teetered forward and cra
shed to the ground on top of the armour. The Karate Princess turned back to her uncle, eyes blazing.
‘I want every bit of string in the castle,’ she repeated. ‘Now.’
‘No problem,’ squeaked the Duke, hurrying off to give the order. ‘At once. Your wish is my command.’
‘I know I’m not very bright,’ muttered the Bogle, ‘but why do we need lots of string?’
Belinda sat on the edge of the table. ‘It doesn’t matter if you are clever or not, Knackerleevee. You are very strong, and a true and trusted friend, and that is more important than being clever.’ The Bogle gave Hubert a delighted smirk while Belinda went on.
‘I reckon our best hope of defeating the MoNsta is to catch it in its lair, while it’s sleeping off one of its heavy meals – do you agree?’ The others nodded. ‘Our problem is to track the beast down after it has flown away. This may not be a very good idea, and it may not work, but I can’t think of anything else at the moment and the pair of you are too busy sniping at each other to be much use. We tie the string together to make one very, very big ball of string and we tie one end of the string to the MoNsta’s tail. The MoNsta flies away. The string unwinds. We hold on to the other end of the string and when the MoNsta goes to sleep we follow the string until we find it.’
Once again the Bogle went into raptures of delight, even kissing Belinda on the forehead. ‘You are so clever, Highboat!’ Hubert sighed and gave his wife a pale smile.
‘Suppose we run out of string while the MoNsta is still flying?’
‘Suppose we don’t?’
‘And how do we tie string on to the tail of a horrible man-eating MoNsta without it knowing?’
Belinda jumped down from the table.
‘Don’t be so negative, Hubert. I’ve already said it might not work. Look, I’ll do the string-on-the-tail bit, if you’re scared.’
‘I’m not scared for me,’ Hubert said. ‘I’m scared for you. We only got married a few days ago, and here you are putting your life in danger.’
The Karate Princess in Monsta Trouble Page 2
