I’m not sure when I stopped sobbing that night. I cried for what I had lost. I cried because I felt that I would never be the same person I was before it all happened. Mostly, I cried because I realized that it was only a matter of time before I was going to leave Mike. He deserved better than what I was able to give him. I couldn’t be the girl he wanted me to be. That girl was gone.
Maybe forever.
****
Mike
I’m not sure what happened. Everything was going great. Gina seemed relaxed. I was letting her lead. I didn’t want to move too fast and then turn her off. After she unzipped my jeans, I took them off. That’s when Gina freaked. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute she was all into it and the next minute she wasn’t.
I’ve never seen Gina act this way. Watching her was like watching a runaway train. It just keeps going and you feel so helpless because you know it’s going to crash and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. And it’s the crash that I was worried about. How bad will it be? The casualty count? About all I could do was hold Gina and let her sob.
I was beginning to wonder, though, if something sexual happened to Gina that she couldn’t talk about. There had to be some reason why she froze every time we got past kissing and touching. It’s about the only thing that made sense. Maybe something happened with J.R. I knew they played tennis a lot and they didn’t seem to play as much lately.
I knew that Gina thought of J.R. as a brother but that he loved her and would like nothing more than for Gina to see him the way he saw her. No. It couldn’t be that. As much as I disliked J.R. I know that he would never hurt Gina. He cares too much about her.
I just couldn’t quite figure out what had happened, but I was beginning to see that if I loved Gina, I was going to have to let her go. I didn’t want to pressure her or make her feel crappy every time we tried to make out. I needed to let her go so she could figure out whatever the hell was going on. What’d she call it? Yeah, her wilderness. I needed to let her find the way out of her wilderness. I was pissed that she wasn’t letting me help her, but there was a part of me that knew that maybe Gina was right. She needed to do this alone. And I definitely didn’t want to make it more complicated and difficult than it already was.
****
Gina
It was a few weeks after graduation. The parties were over and senior week was history. Mom and Dad were out with friends and Mike came over to watch movies.
Mike sat on the couch beside me. He took my hands in his and kissed each one. “You just don’t seem to trust me, Gina. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. I’ve been patient and I’ve tried not to push you. I didn’t even pressure you into having sex during senior week, which, by the way, was incredibly hard. Everyone else was screwing but us. But it’s not just the sex I miss. I miss you. The Gina I loved before this new Gina came into the picture. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You and I know that we can’t go on like this. I love you. I’ll always love you. But, what’s that you called it? Wilderness? You need to get out of that wilderness you’re in.”
Tears pooled in my eyes. Mike was right. I did have trust issues. I couldn’t trust anyone anymore – even him. After all, I had kind-of, sort-of trusted Smith and he betrayed that trust.
I bit my bottom lip and the tears came without being called. Mike handed me the box of tissues on the end table. I blew my nose and nodded. “You’re right.”
Mike sighed. “You’ve also become more and more withdrawn. You don’t want to go out much anymore, and you never tell me anything.”
I grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it. “You’re right. I need to get my head on straight. I’m sorry. This just isn’t working. I’m screwed up. I’ve been screwed up for awhile. I need to get unscrewed because I definitely don’t want to screw you up, too.”
Mike bolted up. “I didn’t mean that I wanted to break up, just that things have to change.”
“Things aren’t going to change until I change. And I’m not going to change because I can’t change. At least I haven’t been able to yet. I think it’s time that we break up. You deserve more than I can give you now. I’m sorry.”
Mike jumped off the couch and threw his arms in the air. “I can’t believe you’re throwing everything we had away. Just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “That it didn’t mean anything to you.”
I stood up. “That’s not fair. It means everything to me. That’s why I’m doing what I’m doing.”
Mike grabbed my shoulders and his eyes bore into mine. “Gina, baby. Do you realize how incredibly stupid that sounds?”
“But it’s the truth. I need to work through some stuff.”
Mike threw his arms in the air again. “Yeah, stuff that you refuse to tell me about.”
I crossed my arms. “Right, stuff that’s mine and mine alone to work out. But it’s not that I don’t love you.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Mike, I have always loved you and I always will. But sometimes loving someone means letting them go.”
Mike punched the air. “Fuck that, Gina. That’s a line of crap. When you love someone you trust them, you don’t keep things from them. When you love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Not throw everything away that you worked so hard to build.”
“Fine. Then I don’t love you anymore,” I said.
As soon as I said it, I knew it was the answer. It was the only way. I think a part of me always knew it would come to this. My heart felt like glass being shattered into millions of pieces, and I knew that it would never be the same, that no matter how hard I’d try to put those pieces back together there would always be lost slivers.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that,” Mike demanded. He grabbed me by the shoulders again and I looked into his eyes and watched as a deluge poured out of them and soaked his cheeks.
I swallowed hard. The only way this was going to work, that Mike was going to leave, was if he believed what I was telling him. And the only way to make him believe what I was telling him was to tell him a lie so good that I believed it myself. It would be the biggest lie that I ever told, but I would do it if it meant saving him. It was also a lie I had been practicing, knowing deep down that this day was near.
I took a deep breath and steadied myself, looking Mike right in his eyes. “Mike, I’m sorry. I just don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for quite awhile. I’ve been pretending because I didn’t want to hurt you. But the truth is it was over for me a long time ago.”
Mike shook his head. “You’re lying. Come on, Gina. You’ve got to do better than that.”
“It’s true,” I said. “I feel like I’ve been an actress in a play. I’ve been playing this part because I didn’t want to hurt you. The truth is I can’t play the part anymore. I wish I would have had the courage to tell you before this. I’ve felt like this for months and just didn’t want to hurt you, so I kept it to myself, hoping that I would change my mind or somehow those old feelings would resurface. But they haven’t. I care about you, but not enough to keep what we had going. I want more. I want someone different. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could change everything and that you would be happy. But I can’t. No more pretending.”
Mike shook his head like he couldn’t believe his ears. Tears exploded from his dark eyes and his face turned tomato red. He grabbed his hair and pulled it and kicked the hassock and walked out the door.
And he never looked back.
The door slammed behind him and I ran to my room and threw myself on my bed, soaking my Snow White quilt with my tears.
I felt horrible and worthless and mean. All of the negative verbs in the dictionary would not be enough to describe how I felt. But I knew that the only way to get Mike to go was to lie about how I really felt. And I knew that I played the part well. That he believed every word I said, and he hated me for it.
But I hated myself more.
Chapter 7
20 Year
s Later
Mike
The line to get into the funeral home wrapped around the brick three-story building on Main Street. I wondered if I would see anyone that I went to high school with. I knew Jeremy was coming, but I wasn’t sure about any of the others. I felt a hand on my back and I turned around. It was Cookie. Despite living in nearby towns, I hadn’t seen her since graduation.
“Michael Parker. How the hell have you been?”
She hugged me before I could even get my arms up.
“I’ve been good; great actually. Read about you in the paper.”
Cookie smiled so wide her eyes winked. “Well, you know me.”
I laughed. Cookie hadn’t changed. She was a giant of a girl and still looked like she could whip my ass and knock me out cold in seconds. She was one tough lady. She’s the only girl I know who could palm a basketball. “You always did stand up for what you believed in,” I told her.
The newspaper article was about her school district banning books because they had bad words and contained too much violence. I think the official wording was “sexually explicit content, offensive language, and violence.” Cookie led the opposition. I always thought she should have been a teen during the 60s. I could see her protesting the Vietnam War and listening to Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin and Joan Baez.
“How old is your son?” Cookie asked.
“Jack’s ten.”
“Does he play baseball like his old man?”
I laughed. “Yeah, and he’s a lot better than I was at his age. Playing baseball is all he wants to do. What about you? Any kids? ”
Cookie rolled her eyes. “Two girls. They’re twins.”
“Oh, no. Double trouble, huh?”
“You can say that. They’re teenagers and the shit they wear to school drives me freakin’ mad. The guys gotta have constant hard-ons. Zara was sent home from school the other day because her ass was sticking out of her skirt. Of course, I told her that would happen but did she listen to me? Noooo. Mom’s never right. ”
We laughed.
“Just be glad you don’t have a girl,” Cookie said.
“Sounds like they take after their mother,” I told her.
Cookie playfully hit me on the arm. “What’s that supposed to mean? I never dressed like a whore working the Boulevard.”
“True. But you did dress differently and you never cared what anyone thought. It’s one of the things I liked about you. You always did your own thing. Remember the time you wore three sets of leg warmers and that oversized sweatshirt that came down to the middle of your thigh?”
Cookie laughed. “I remember. My legs were so hot that day! I felt like a damn bear in heat.”
I scanned her ivory silk blouse and black pants. “Now look at you. The typical suburban mom.”
Cookie chuckled. “Sooner or later, we all end up there, I guess.”
I turned around and realized there was a gap between me and the person in front of me. I closed the gap, with Cookie following on my heels.
“Whatever happened to that guy you went out with after you broke up with Keith?” I asked.
“You mean Bill. We didn’t even last a month. He wanted to be able to date other girls in college. He kissed like a damn frog anyhow. Too much lick. Always felt like a damn fly. The last I heard he was working as an engineer for some oil company in Texas.”
Cookie was killing me. I felt like an asshole laughing while standing in line to see a dead man. I thought that maybe we should switch to a more somber topic, given the occasion and all. “Shame about Doug dying. Every time I drive past where it happened I think of him.”
“Yeah, me, too,” Cookie said. “He was the first one in our class to die. Not sure about any others. Guess we’ll find out at the reunion. Are you going?”
I grimaced. “Man, I don’t know. I haven’t been to any yet.”
“This is the 20; you should come. Bring your wife.”
Guess Cookie hadn’t heard about the divorce. “We’re not together anymore.”
Cookie’s hand flew to her mouth. “Damn! Sorry, Mike. Me and my big mouth. I didn’t know or I wouldn’t have gone on like that.”
“It’s OK. We’re friends. It wasn’t one of those divorces where people end up hating each other. Just didn’t work out.”
“So do you have joint custody of Jack?” Cookie asked.
I nodded. “And we live close so Jack can come and go as he pleases no matter which house he’s sleeping at. He has a baby sister so he seems to be at my house more lately. I don’t think he likes the crying.”
Cookie popped a mint in her mouth. “That’s cool that you and your ex are friends. That has to be great for Jack. I don’t know of any divorced couples who ended up on good terms. Most of the ones I know would kill each other if they had the chance, including me. The only thing good about the loser I was married to was that he stopped being able to get it up because of his health. Suited me just fine because he was a lousy lay anyway. Mr. Vibrator did a better job than he ever did. When Hubs No. 2 came along, didn’t need the vibrator anymore.” She laughed.
One thing about Cookie, you always knew what she thought. The woman definitely didn’t hold anything back.
“Yeah, Lisa and I just realized a little too late that that’s all we really were – friends. She deserved someone who could love her in the way she deserved to be loved. I wasn’t that guy. But her husband, Jack’s step-dad, is a good guy. A dentist. I’m happy for her.”
I looked around as we turned the corner; the door was about thirty feet away. “Anyone else coming?”
“Sue and Diane said they were going to stop by, and I saw Keith and Tom leaving as I pulled into the parking lot.”
“Do you see the old gang much?” I asked.
“Not really,” Cookie said. “My kids had Diane for county honors band and I run into Sue from time to time. What about you?”
“I see Jeremy. And sometimes Tom.”
Cookie smiled. “Some things never change.
“But that’s about it. Ever hear from Gina?” I asked. Twenty years have passed and my heart still races when I say her name.
Cookie shook her head. “I know Sue does. Gina is Chloe’s godmother. She’s not married, I know that. And she’s a killer prosecutor, according to Sue.”
“A prosecutor? I always thought she’d be a writer.”
“She works in the sex crimes/child abuse bureau,” Cookie said. “Prosecutes rape crimes. Sue said she works all the time. Sue’s trying to convince her to come to the reunion. Says she’s thinking about it.”
Gina wasn’t married. She was a prosecutor. Damn, I had no idea. I wanted to know more, but I didn’t want to seem overly interested.
“Think a lot of people will come to this one, since it’s the big 2-0?” I asked.
Cookie shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I hope so. Maybe at this one people will be over having to prove that they’ve made it. At the other ones, there was a lot of that. ‘Oh, I did this and that.’ Really? Who cares? Cause I didn’t come to the reunion to hear you brag about all the great stuff you’ve done since high school,” Cookie said.
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
We were finally at the door. I whispered to Cookie, “It was great seeing you. And I’ll think about the reunion. I still have the invitation at home.”
I made my way through the crowd to where Coach Smith’s wife and sons stood by the casket. The boys towered over their mom. They were well over six feet, dressed in black suits and white shirts. Their mom, wearing a short black dress, looked more like their sister.
I shook their hands and expressed my condolences. Mrs. Smith remembered me.
“Thanks for coming,” she said. “Rich would be honored that so many of his former players came.”
I walked by his mahogany casket, topped with dozens of red roses. I sneezed. Flowers always made me sneeze. The red roses reminded me of Gina. I had saved money for weeks to get her a dozen red roses for our first Val
entine’s Day. I worked at the grocery store stocking shelves so it’s not like I was raking in the greens. I can still see Gina’s smile when she opened the door and I handed her the long white box tied with a red ribbon. Gina loved roses and said that she wanted to carry a bouquet of red roses when we got married.
I couldn’t wait to get outside, away from all of the people. I wasn’t much for crowds, and I hated waiting in lines. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t like taking Jack to the amusement park. Those lines were ridiculous. My head pounded as I weaved through the parking lot to my car.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Gina not being married. It’s all I thought about on the drive home. That and what I had learned about her prosecuting sex crimes. How did I not know that?
It was Lisa’s night to have Jack, so I came home to an empty house. I threw a turkey and cheese sandwich together and grabbed the reunion invitation off the desk in the den.
The invitation wasn’t fancy. It was a piece of white computer paper folded in thirds. I couldn’t stop thinking about Gina, wondering if she would come. After our breakup, I tried reaching out to her but she would never take my calls or return my letters. Finally, I stopped trying. I couldn’t take the rejection anymore. But I always wondered about that wilderness stuff Gina had talked about. Did she ever make it out?
When I met Lisa a couple years later, I thought that I was over Gina, but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over her. Before dating Lisa, I found myself trying to find someone who looked like Gina. It’s not easy finding girls who have long red hair. After awhile, I realized that I was trying to replace what I had lost and that wasn’t cool. I needed to move on. And I thought I had when Lisa came into my life. She wasn’t anything like Gina. Gina was tall with gorgeous legs that went on forever. Lisa was much shorter and had blond hair. She was a Tasmanian devil on the basketball court and could beat me in the mile without even trying.
Gina & Mike (The Yearbook Series Book 1) Page 5
