When I got home, I jumped in the shower and turned the knob to cold. I grabbed a muffin and nuked a cup of day-old coffee I poured from the carafe. I thumbed through the paper, looking for the obituary. It was at the top of the page. I read through it quickly. She is survived by a daughter, Gina McKenzie. A lump formed in my throat. So many times I imagined her name as Gina Parker. I smiled to myself because knowing Gina, she would have wanted to keep her maiden name. That’s the way she was. Always wanted her own identity. I remember we got into a big debate one night when we were making out in the woods and talking about the future. Gina said that when we had kids, she wanted to hyphenate their names. I was against that. I told her it was fine to give our kids her maiden name as their middle name, but no hyphen. To be honest, I was kind of hurt by the whole thing. Nothing against having girls, but especially if we would have had a boy. I would want my son to have my last name. Period.
My cell phone rang. It was Jack, calling to remind me to bring his display board for his science project. I was glad he called to remind me because the only thing on my mind this morning was Gina.
Jack opened the car door and slid in. “Got the board?”
I nodded. “It’s in the trunk.”
“How was the party?”
“Fun. Food was great. Lots of people I didn’t know, though.”
“How’s your mom and the baby?”
“Mom’s fine. Paige is her usual annoying crybaby self. I’m never having kids. They cry all the time. You have to feed them and change their diapers. And there’s no way I’m wiping someone’s butt.”
I chuckled. “I wiped your butt. Plenty of times.”
“You were stupid,” Jack said. “I’m smarter than you.”
I smiled. “Guess that means I won’t have any grandkids.”
Jack nodded. “But you have me and you always say that I’m a lot to handle so grandkids would just be extra work. So I’m saving you extra work.”
“Oh, I see.” I loved Jack’s logic. To him, the world was black and white. And I knew it was so much more.
****
Gina
When I picked up the phone and it was Sue I blurted out what happened.
“Oh. My. God.” Sue said.
“Yeah, I know. But it just sort of happened.”
“Was it good?”
“It was great.”
“Now what?”
I knew what Sue was thinking. How was I going to handle things with Mike. “It was only one night. I’ll be going back home after the funeral. My life is there and his is here.”
“Did you tell him about Coach Smith?”
“Not yet. But I will. After the funeral.”
“He’s going to be pissed, you know,” Sue said.
“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed do you think he’ll be?”
“A twelve,” Sue said. “Wouldn’t you be?”
I took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t be pissed as much as I would be relieved that it wasn’t me who caused the breakup.”
“Oh, sweet Jesus, Gina. Think about it. You broke his heart. Who knows what would have happened if you would have told him the truth.”
“But I didn’t lie.”
“Excuse me? Telling the guy that you didn’t love him anymore wasn’t the truth.”
“That was only so he would accept the breakup.”
“Look. I gotta get to work. I’ll be over afterward to check on things. I’m sure the talk with Mike will go fine. Love ya.”
“Love you, too.”
When I hung up the phone I thought about what Sue said. Even if it meant upsetting Mike, I knew I had to tell him the truth. No more lies between us. That’s the way it had to be.
I called the office to check in and my secretary, Marcia, told me that she had rescheduled all of my appointments.”
“I canceled the one with the fertility specialist,” she said. “When do you want me to reschedule that?”
“Give me the number and I’ll call and reschedule. The timing’s important. I have to check my cycle and figure it out.”
“So you’re still going to go through with the pregnancy?” Marcia asked.
“Absolutely. I know I won’t have Mom to help, but I still want a child. I’ll just have to hire a full-time nanny.”
“I can help with the hiring,” Marcia said. “If you want, I’ll screen the candidates first.”
“That would be great, Marcia. Anything else?”
“You got a new case. High school math teacher having sex with one of her students. Apparently the kid bragged to some friends and the teacher’s been charged. The student’s 15. It was in the paper this morning. Made the front page.”
“Damn, when are these teachers going to learn,” I said.
After I hung up the phone, I called my fertility doctor and we figured out when I should come in for the insemination. My semen had arrived.
****
Mike
It was hard to concentrate at work. I kept thinking about last night and if Gina was OK. She seemed OK this morning, but would that change as the day went on. For me, last night was incredible. Holding her in my arms again. Feeling her soft skin against mine. Touching every inch of her body. Her hair fanning across my chest. Damn, she always did have a way of turning my world upside down.
When my cell rang, I hoped it was Gina. When I saw it was my friend Hillary, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to answer. But it was the second time she had called that day. Hill and I were good friends who enjoyed each other’s company and occasionally had sex. The sex was always satisfying but that’s all it was, sex. We just didn’t feel the way about each other that makes sex so much more. There was no way I could think about Hillary now and I knew she probably was horny and wanted to get together. But if I didn’t answer, she’d keep calling.
“Hi, Hill. What’s up?”
“You free tonight?” she asked.
“No. An old friend’s in town and I made some plans with her.”
“OK. Call me the next time you’re free,” she said.
“Will, do.”
I seriously hoped that things wouldn’t settle down for a long time between me and Gina. I hadn’t wanted anyone as much as I wanted her last night. Christ, just thinking about her gave me a hard on. But I didn’t want to get my hopes up. After all, Gina’s life wasn’t here. She’d go back home and I’d stay here.
Damn, Gina and I never seemed to be going in the same direction at the same time. There was always a disconnect, and I doubted that would ever change. But being with her reminded me of how things could be, of what was missing from my life. If I couldn’t have it with Gina, maybe I could have it with someone else.
Having sex with Hill was fine, but I wanted more than fine. I wanted to feel as physically close to a woman as I felt to Gina. And I know Gina felt it, too. I could tell by the way her body responded to my touch, the way she raised her hips, begging me to take her away. Feeling her arms around my back pulling me toward her while stealing my breath with her hungry kisses, drove me crazy. I could still smell her lavender skin. God she was good. No great.
Growing old with someone I loved was becoming more important to me. Jack would grow up and hell, who knows where he’d end up. And then I’d be alone – again. Having someone to grow old with sure sounded good. Trouble was, when you’ve had the best, how do you settle for less? After last night, I wasn’t willing to.
Chapter 14
Gina
Sue and Judy stood beside me at the casket, crowded with flowers on either side. A heavy floral scent permeated the air. A line of people snaked through the cavernous room and disappeared around the corner.
I sneezed. I’m not sure why I even bothered to wear makeup. Between the fragrant flowers and my inconsolable grief, I was on my second pack of tissues. I was sure my eyes looked like a panda’s.
I knew Mom had a lot of friends, but I didn’t expect to see a couple hundred people. Most I hadn’t seen in years. I was glad Judy stood beside
me because she could tell me who was who. Mom would have felt good that so many people came to say goodbye.
The best part about the evening – if there is a best part – were the stories the older people shared about Mom when she was a young girl. I never knew she was such a mischievous kid. Like the time she hid the tests she found on the teacher’s desk. I laughed when Mrs. Snyder told me that story.
I felt as though I got to know Mom better. Sad in a way that it took her funeral to see a side of her I hadn’t seen before. To me, she was my mom. But to these people, she was their friend and classmate and Sunday school teacher. It was an exhausting evening, and I knew that tomorrow would be worse.
I remember when Dad died. It was in January, and the day of the burial was biting. Not many people went to the cemetery. It was just too cold. It was just Mom, me, and a few others. At least this time it was April and the weird weather we’d been having made it feel more like summer. I’m sure there’d be a crowd at the burial.
I saw Mike as he turned the corner and entered the room. He looked sharp, dressed in a black suit and white shirt. It took him about an hour to get up to where I stood. As soon as I saw him I broke down. He took me in his arms and whispered in my ear: “So sorry, Gina. If you need anything, I’m here.”
I nodded. I wanted to tell him that I needed him. That I was sorry and stupid for ever letting him go. That I missed him already and I just saw him this morning. God, there was so much that I wanted to say but this wasn’t the time nor the place. He moved on to Judy, then Sue.
I thought the night would never end. My lower back hurt from standing and my feet were killing me. I should have listened to Sue and skipped the high heels for the pair of flats she offered to let me borrow. I’d wear those tomorrow for sure. All I wanted to do was go home and climb into bed.
When everyone was gone, I leaned over the casket. “I love you, Mom.” I patted the sun brooch I had pinned on her coral floral blouse.
She looked so peaceful. Her nails were painted a pale pink and her hands were folded with a red rose stuck in the middle. I picked up the photo of the two of us taken when I was six. I didn’t have any front teeth and Mom and I were standing in front of our Christmas tree. I can still picture Dad taking the photo, telling us to make sure the presents we were holding weren’t covering our faces. I was holding a purple smiley pillow and Mom was holding a gold bracelet Dad had bought her. Every Christmas, Dad would buy Mom a piece of jewelry. I touched the gold cross that hung down over her blouse and the gold chain bracelet that hugged her sleeve. Gifts from Dad.
She had left instructions that I was supposed to keep her wedding band and engagement ring. Her hope was that I would pass it on if I ever had a child and it would stay in the family.
“Are you ready?” Judy asked, patting me on the back.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m ready to go home. I mean, to Mom’s house.”
Judy smiled. “It will always be your home, Gina.”
****
Mike
When I left the funeral home, I felt lousy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Gina so torn up. I wish I could do more for her. I hate funerals. And here I was at my second one in weeks.
I stopped at the old watering hole on Main Street for a beer and burger. I hadn’t eaten and there wasn’t a whole lot at home to make.
When I walked in, the place was pretty empty. Two tattooed bikers were playing pool in the dimly lit corner. A couple I didn’t recognize sat at the one end of the wooden bar. I pulled out a stool at the other end.
“Lager?” Bill the bartender asked.
“Yeah, and a glass of water.”
Bill slid the beer in front of me. “Rough day?”
I nodded. “Yeah, rough day all right.”
“Anything else?”
“How about a burger, Bill? And some fries.”
I sipped my cold draft, thinking about Gina. If someone would have told me a week ago that all of this would happen, I’d have laughed in their face.
By the time my burger and fries arrived, the larger was gone.
Bill nodded. “Another?”
“Yeah, one more.”
I bit into my burger when I felt a slap on my back.
“Hey, Mike,” Tom said. “Guess we had the same idea.”
I turned around and nodded.
Tom sat next to me. “I saw you at the funeral. You were ahead of me. It took me about an hour and half to get through the line.”
“Me, too.”
“Gina was pretty torn up,” Tom said.
“Yeah, I know. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her quite like that.”
“What can I get you?” Bill asked Tom.
Tom threw his head toward me. “I’ll have what he’s having. That burger looks good.”
I took a swig of my cold draft. “So, did you ask Sue out?”
Tom nodded. “But with everything that’s happened, I don’t know when that’ll be.”
“Don’t give up on her, Tom. You’ve waited a long time to ask her out. After Gina’s gone, Sue will have time again.”
“Do you think she’ll go home?”
“Who? Gina? Sure. Of course. Why not?”
Tom shrugged. “I just thought that maybe she might think about moving back.”
“I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Her life’s in Florida. Why would she leave a career she worked so hard to build and come back here? And for what?”
Tom shifted in his seat. “You two seemed to be getting along pretty well at the reunion.”
“There’s a big divide between getting along well and Gina moving here. I just don’t see that happening. Unless.”
Tom cocked his head to the side and cast an arched eyebrow. “Unless what?”
“Unless she found something that was worth coming back to.”
****
The next day was the funeral, and I decided to take a half-day at work and go. Seemed like the right thing to do. I knew Gina hated the cemetery where her Mom would be buried. It was the same cemetery where her friend, Alicia, had been raped. It happened ten or fifteen years ago. Sort of lost track of the time.
Anyway, Alicia had been running through the secluded cemetery at dusk one day and was raped and left for dead. She was found the next day. From what I hear, she’s been pretty messed up ever since.
I thought about Alicia as I entered the cemetery through the huge wrought iron entrance gates. The gates were attached to huge stone pillars, made from stone from the local quarry when this land on the outskirts of town was mostly farm fields and meadows.
I followed a long line of cars and a long line of cars followed me. The road was narrow and uneven, and my car bounced when I hit a pothole. I hated cemeteries more than I hated funerals. I figure when I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the ocean. The idea of being stuck in the ground, slowing decaying until there’s nothing but bones was morbid to me.
****
Gina
When we passed the stone mausoleum, my throat tightened and my palms got sweaty. I hated this cemetery. My neighbor Alicia was beaten, raped, and left for dead near the mausoleum. That’s where the bastard who nearly killed her was hiding. They never found him.
I never told Alicia about Smith. I had considered it, but didn’t. Every time I visited Alicia – and I usually tried to see her when I was home visiting mom – she’d make me sit across the room. She never allowed anyone near her. And she never left her house.
Every day, she’d get up and do puzzles. All. Day. Long. Puzzle after puzzle. And it didn’t matter what designs they were – landscapes, animals, famous places – she liked them all. But she would never put the same puzzle together twice. The ladies at church held a puzzle drive a couple of times a year to stock Alicia’s supply. And I always brought her a few new ones whenever I visited.
I never figured out the whole puzzle thing, though. Why puzzles? It occurred to me that Alicia was like a puzzle with a couple of pieces missing. No matter how h
ard everyone tried, they couldn’t put Alicia completely back together. They couldn’t make her whole. There was always a piece or two missing.
Maybe that’s why Alicia loved puzzles so much. She could take all the odd shapes and put them together, making something whole and beautiful. It was the one thing in her life that she had control over and could feel good about. The one thing she could figure out.
I was in the car behind the hearse with Sue and Judy. Sue squeezed my hand as we passed the mausoleum. She knew what I was thinking. When we stopped, we waited in the car as the pall bearers removed the coffin from the back of the hearse and carried it over to the burial site sheltered from the sun by a green canvas canopy with scalloped edges.
I jerked when the funeral director opened my door. He took me by the arm and led me to a chair a few feet away from the coffin. My knees buckled as I sat down. Judy and Sue sat on either side of me.
I’m not even sure what the pastor said. Something about walking through the valley of death and fearing no evil; it was all a blur. I couldn’t stop looking at the coffin in front of me. Mom was inside that thing. That mahogany thing with the antique hardware and adjustable bed and mattress.
She was going to be put in the ground and I’d never see her again. I knew Dad was down there, and I couldn’t help wonder what he looked like. I do this to myself. Think stupid things and then obsess why in the hell I thought them in the first place.
At least the cemetery stone was already on the grave. The only thing I had to arrange was the engraving of Mom’s death date. When she had the stone made for Dad, she included her name and birth date. I always thought that was a little morbid, but Mom went on and on about how practical it was. She was right, I know. She was always right. Still, I didn’t like seeing her name on the tombstone when I came to visit Dad.
Gina & Mike (The Yearbook Series Book 1) Page 14
