“That’d be great,” he said, “but maybe we should take this one step at a time. Let’s make it through this run first.”
She nodded. But in her head she thought of the stairs which represented their relationship. They had passed the first step, civility, the second, work friendship, and now here they were, perched between three, running partners, and four, real friendship. Just how far up could they climb? Just how high up would they go? Suddenly, she was not quite as confident in her answer to Tyler.
On Monday morning, Abbie did not dress up for work. Really. If people happened to point out that she looked extra nice that day, it wasn’t intentional. If anything, it was just the inner glow of a new relationship shining through. This is what she told herself all day long. But there was a part of her that thought it was all B.S. She had dressed up for work, and she had done it because she was going to be around Toby.
This is the part of her that grew overly excited when he told her that she looked nice. It was the part of her that jumped on a chance to go to lunch with him. It was the part of her that began to remember just how much she liked him before it had all gone to pot.
Being with Toby made her realize that perfection wasn’t what she wanted. Toby made her feel things. Highs and lows and everything in between. That was what love was about. Love made you do stupid things like write stupid, embarrassing proclamations you shared with the world. Love made you sad when things were not good between you and the person you loved. Love made you nervous and clammy. Love wasn’t easy. Parker was easy. Toby could be love.
This was the conclusion she drew as she sat with Toby on a bench outside a café near the office as they ate on that Monday when she did dress up for him. She was going to stop lying to herself.
She had a hamburger, and when a little bit of ketchup dripped down on her chin, he leaned in a wiped it off with his napkin.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, speaking so softly, she almost didn’t catch it.
“What?” she whispered back.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, “I overreacted. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. You just make me do things that I wouldn’t normally do. I never lose my temper. You just bring out emotions in me that I have never felt before. At least not usually.”
She held her breath. That is what she had just been thinking. It was love. Or at least something that could potentially become love. Which is why she didn’t stop him when he leaned in and kissed her. It was soft and gentle and everything their other kisses hadn’t been. And he didn’t regret it when it was over or ask her to take it slow. He just smiled at her and held her hand as they walked back to work.
She knew what she had to do. She would have to break it off with Parker. Wednesday morning, she had her chance.
‘I have the morning off. Play hooky and come keep me company?’
It popped up on her screen as she brushed her teeth. She smiled, and then sighed. She really liked Parker, and hoped they could remain friends, but she felt like it was in Toby that she had a real chance of a future.
She needed a day off. It had been a while since she had taken a personal day, and it was probably the right thing to do to break it off with Parker before she spent too much more time with Toby, even if it was in a work environment. She called Mr. Rolan and let him know she wasn’t going to be in that day.
‘Where are we going?’
Abbie met Parker at the arcade less than an hour later.
“Whose childhood are we reliving this time?” she asked him as soon as she saw him.
“What kind of question is that?” he asked. “Everyone’s! Everyone’s.”
“Ah! Of course.”
They spent the next few hours playing skeeball and Pac Man and Whack-a-Mole. They combined their tickets and still didn’t have enough to get an even halfway decent prize.
He pulled her into his side and laid down their options.
“We could collect,” he told her, “and start our geocaching stash. Or,” he paused for effect, “we could give our tickets to a worthy kid.”
She smiled at him.
“Making a kid’s day a little better is always the right choice.” So they found a small, toddler-aged girl who had far less tickets than her friends, and her smile of gratitude made Abbie happy she was with someone so generous.
But you won’t be with him much longer, she reminded herself. Only, somehow it didn’t seem like as good a decision as it had even been earlier that morning.
She was confused, and afraid she was going to make the wrong decision. Therefore, she had to convince someone else to decide for her. It was time for a heart-to-heart with Maggie. Abbie hadn’t shared with Maggie since Abbie’s feelings for Toby had returned, and yet she was the only one who could help.
“Maggie?” Abbie asked later that night when she found Maggie in the kitchen eating dinner.
“Yes?”
“What do you think about Parker?”
Maggie froze. Abby knew what she was thinking. Not this again, was written right on her forehead. But she had to ask the question anyway.
“Why?”
“Because I want to know.”
Maggie sighed.
“Okay. I think he’s great. He’s hot. He’s nice. He’s funny. He’s smart. You have nothing to complain about. You, my dearest friend, are a lucky girl.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t feel lucky. There’s just something missing. You know what I mean.”
Maggie took a bite of her salad, and pondered what to say.
“Do you want to know why I think you drunk-sabotaged a possible relationship with Toby?” Maggie asked.
“Because I’m an idiot?”
“That,” Maggie said smiling, “but also because I think you’re afraid to be happy. You set things up in your head to be a certain way, to make you feel certain things. And when it isn’t one hundred percent dead-on what you say you want, you throw it away. You built Toby into this unreal creature, and when he became real, you had to get rid of him. Think about him. Think about all the guys you have written about on that blog. I don’t know enough psych to offer you a diagnosis here. Maybe you are afraid of being hurt, so you have to be the hurter. Maybe you feel you don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know. But I do know you need to stop doing it. It’s getting old.”
“Am I really that awful?” Maggie walked over to Abby and hugged her.
“Listen. None of us are perfect. When Dale and I broke up, we … “
“Wait! You and Dale broke up! When?”
Maggie shrugged.
“I don’t know. Last week, I guess. It wasn’t all that important.”
“Last week?! And you’re just now telling me? You guys were together for almost a year. That’s super important! How can you not be more upset?”
“See? That’s my point! We all have things wrong with us. You feel so much you are afraid to feel anything at all. I don’t feel enough, I guess. But that’s not my point. What I was trying to say is this: how do you think I knew Dale wasn’t the one for me? I mean really, truly, I am not going to have doubts later, knew we weren’t right for each other?”
“Because you aren’t an idiot?”
Maggie laughed. “That,” she said, “but also because I gave the relationship a chance. I gave it room to grow and prosper, and when it didn’t, I knew it was because we didn’t have the right soil or something. Not that I was a bad gardener.”
“That’s a horrible metaphor.”
“Give me a break. I’m working on the fly here, but you get my point. I didn’t sabotage my chances with him. I gave him a shot, I know how the relationship would be if I gave it a chance, and I know it isn’t a relationship I want. If I had done half the things you do at the beginning of your relationships, I wouldn’t have that assurance. I would always be left wondering what if. That’s what I see you doing here with Parker. He meets all of your ridiculous criteria. He is everything you have always said you were looking for in a guy. And now you say he’s too
perfect. Too perfect? What even is that, Abs? Now listen. I’m not saying ‘he’s the one’ because you know I don’t believe in that, but what I am saying is you cannot just jump ship whenever something doesn’t go your way. Give him a chance, Abigail. And if it doesn’t work out, you won’t have to wonder what if. You’ll already know.”
“But why does he want to go slow? Is he not attracted to me? Is he hiding something?”
“Who knows?” Maggie said. “Oh wait! He does. I doubt he is hiding something that big. He got nervous just when you questioned him about me. He does not have a poker face, dear. He isn’t hiding a wife. I’d say he is just really interested in you and it scares him some. But you know how to find out?” She didn’t wait for a reply. “If it bothers you that much, you ask him. Otherwise, time will tell if you let it.” Maggie leaned her head up against Abbie’s. “So let it.”
“Are you proud of yourself after that little speech?”
“Very. And I am also right. So admit it.”
“I hate it when you are right.”
“I know you do. And since I’m always right, you have a really hard life.”
Abbie thought back on what Maggie told her. She thought about everything she had been through with Toby. And she thought about everything she had with Parker. Abbie decided that Maggie was right. She owed it to herself, to Toby, and to Parker to see just where this relationship was going. When she was with Parker, he was the only person she wanted to be with. It was only when she was away from him that she let doubts in. And when she was with Toby, she just had that feeling that Maggie described: like she had unfinished business with him. She couldn’t give up Parker in order to finish business she had messed up in the first place because all that would do is cause even more unfinished business. She had to give Parker a chance if she didn’t want to find herself a month down the road wondering what if.
It’s funny how sometimes you make a decision, and you just instantly know it was the right one to make. How even though you had been struggling with it and going back in forth in your mind over it for what seemed like forever, once you finally made up your mind, all the worries and doubts just instantly disappeared. That is the feeling Abbie felt in that moment. There was a reason she had not been able to break up with Parker that morning: she didn’t want to. He was the one she wanted, and she could wait as long as he wanted if it kept going the way it was going. She just hoped that Toby would understand.
18
Toby woke up on Thursday morning in a good mood. Abbie hadn’t been in the office yesterday, but he felt confident she would be there today. They had kissed. It was crazy and unplanned, but there it was. One second, he was madder at her than he had ever before been, the next he missed her, and just like that he was under her spell once more. He couldn’t escape her, and so he decided not to try. He would talk to Parker that night. It was time to end this whole game.
Why fight it? Abbie was his, and he was claiming her. She seemed to have learned her lesson about airing their laundry in a public forum, and as long as she stopped that, he had nothing to complain about. He whistled as he headed to his car.
As he walked in, Ms. Rachel came over to him and asked him about his weekend plans, in the nosiest way possible, but she did not faze him. His eyes moved past her to the girl sitting across the office: Abbie. She was here. His heart sped up when he saw her. She was wearing a green dress that fit her perfectly, and her hair was up exposing her long neck. His eyes followed the curve of her throat down to…he swallowed. This was not the time or place.
He had hoped she would look up when he walked in. He was not used to this feeling. His thoughts were on her constantly. He wanted her so much. He wanted to know that this was reciprocal. That she felt the same way he did. He had expected her to look up the second that he walked in as if her eyes were as drawn to him as his were to hers. But she never looked up and her forehead was creased. She did not look excited, she looked anxious. What did that mean?
He brushed off Ms. Rachel, who didn’t seem pleased, and walked over to his desk.
“Hey, Abbie,” he greeted and her head shot up.
“Oh,” she mumbled, “hi. I didn’t see you come in.”
“Are you feeling better?”
“Huh?”
“From yesterday. When you were sick.”
“Oh. Yes. I. I have to finish this report. Maybe we can talk again later.” And then her head was down again as if he was nothing more to her than an ordinary coworker she had to make a little bit of small talk with before getting back to more important things.
“Yeah. Sure.”
He sat down and turned on his laptop, but he couldn’t concentrate on anything but Abbie. What should he do? Talk to her. That much was clear. There had been so many miscommunications between the two of them that she was probably confused by their last interaction. She didn’t know he had decided to forgive her. So that’s what he needed to do. Let her know that he wanted to go back to the time before she humiliated him in front of everyone and start over. Once she knew all of this, she would act differently. She wouldn’t look worried he might be hot and cold in his feelings like he had been lately. This had to be the solution.
The other thing he had to do was talk to Parker. He couldn’t talk to Abbie before he called off his friend. But that wouldn’t take long. He just needed to send a text. He grabbed his phone and shot Parker a message.
‘I’m not mad at Ab. I think I’m gonna ask her out for real. You can stop now. Thanks.’
Parker would have questions, but Toby could answer those later. For now, he was putting all of his focus on Abbie.
“Abbie?” It was lunchtime, and she had barely talked to him all morning.
“Yep?” She responded, but she sounded nervous. What was going on? Toby was going to find out as soon as possible.
“Do you want to go to lunch with me today?”
“I don’t…I… well, I think Tyler and I…”
This was not going as planned.
“If you can get out of it,” he interrupted her, “I think it would be good for us. We need to have a long overdue talk.”
He stared at her expectantly, and watched the emotions cross her face. Embarrassment, worry, denial, but finally acceptance.
“You’re right,” she said. “I’ll ask Tyler if he minds going without me.” And then she was off and he was standing there confused. This day was not going the way he planned.
“Where do you want to go?” he asked when she returned and told him Tyler was fine with her having lunch without him.
“I don’t know. Wherever you want is fine.”
“I don’t care. We should go where you want.” They quibbled back and forth in this awkward way until finally Abbie suggested they should just go to the deli down the road.
He tried to grab her hand as they walked as he had done just two days before, but she pulled away and smiled apologetically. He was positive she had liked it last time. They walked in silence, but when they sat down, he began to talk.
“I forgive you,” he said.
“I think we should stop seeing each…” she said at the same time.
“What?” they both asked.
“You forgive me?”
“What do you mean you don’t want to see…” Again with the over talking. Toby sighed.
“Can I talk first?” he asked. “I think what I say might influence what you have to say.”
She nodded her head, and he began.
“You made a mistake. I overreacted. Nobody is perfect. But I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you. I think we could be good together.”
Abbie was shaking her head, but Toby ignored it.
“We have to at least try,” he pushed on.
“No,” it was one word, but it was said forcefully. However, Toby thought, it was also said regretfully, and he was sure he could change a regretful no into an assured yes.
“Why?” Let her say her thoughts, and then he would be able to change her mi
nd.
“It’s just. It’s too awkward. We went out once and it was a disaster. We kissed, and it was like that was all it was that pushed us over the edge. We couldn’t talk for weeks. It was painful for me. I assume it was painful for you. I know it was painful for everyone else in the office. It was just…painful. We can’t do it again. Imagine if we really dated and we broke up. We wouldn’t be able to work together ever again. We might kill each other. It’s just. When you kissed me on Tuesday, I was sure that it was right.”
“It was.”
“No. I thought it was, but then I thought about it. It wouldn’t be. We need to be only work acquaintances even if it’s hard. Besides, I’m dating someone else. And he deserves for me to give him a legitimate try to see if we have something that can last.”
Toby went to argue. He went to say she was wrong. But then he stopped. If Parker was her biggest motivating factor, and despite everything else she had just told him, he was pretty sure it was, then all he had to do was get rid of Parker. And that was easy enough to do. In fact, he had already done it. So now he just needed to wait until Parker broke up with her, and then she would turn to Toby for comfort. It was just a waiting game.
“You’re right,” he said just as the food arrived. “You’re probably right.” He tried not to look too happy. Abbie would just wonder why. And he couldn’t really tell her it was because he was planning on winning her back and was confident he would. So he just put his head down and ate his food.
Parker never answered Toby’s text. Toby had checked all day, hoping for a hint as to what his roommate’s game plan for breaking it off with Abbie was, but nothing. After work, he rushed home, hoping to see Parker there, but the driveway was empty. He went inside and paced. It felt like forever, but finally he heard his friend open the door.
“Did you get my text?” It was said before the door had even shut.
“Hi.” Clearly Parker was avoiding the question.
“Hi.” Toby played along before asking again, “did you get my text?”
“Yep.” Parker answered quietly and turned away to put his keys up.
The Abbie Diaries: The Complete Series Page 10
