by Sean Kennedy
He laughed softly. “Jesus, when you come out, you go all out, don’t you?”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll probably wake up at three in the morning in a cold sweat wondering what the fuck I’ve done.” I stared down at his hand in mine. “I’d like you to be there if I do.”
“Are you kidding?” His tone was incredulous. “Where else would your boyfriend be?”
I kissed him, and I felt like I was choking.
I realised it was happiness. I was so happy with Dev, with him as my acknowledged boyfriend, that I was discovering what joy felt like.
“Just one thing,” Dev said.
“What?”
“Now I’ve been elevated from fuck buddy status, I just want to know… when you say boyfriend, you mean the only one, right?”
I had fucked him around so much. I had made no secret of the other guys I was with, and thinking of what he must have felt about that made me sick.
“I’m really sorry I did that to you,” I said sincerely.
“Hey, clean slate, really.” His smile was sad but forgiving.
“How can you say that?”
He placed his hand on mine. “Because I knew what I was doing when I got into it with you. I may not have liked it, but you were honest about it right from the start. So I only had myself to blame that I was hanging on, hoping you would see sense one day.”
“And what if I hadn’t?” It had only been by the narrowest of margins that I had made it this far.
Dev gave a careless shrug. “That’s kind of a moot point now, isn’t it? Why worry about things that didn’t happen when better things are actually happening?”
I shook my head in disbelief. “I hope to one day have an eighth of the patience and grace you have.”
“It’s important to have dreams,” he mocked me gently.
I was glad our recent change in relationship status hadn’t dissolved his sense of humour. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“When I spoke to you the other night, was there another guy there?” It was a telling question. All my jealousy and insecurities laid bare for him to see. But I had to know the answer.
Dev grinned. “Oh, yeah. Two actually.”
I gulped. I had no right to judge, because that would make me the biggest hypocrite in the world. And as bad as I was, I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite. “Okay.”
Now he laughed. “My friends from work, Jordy and Carrick. We’re working together on a nursing float for the Pride parade.”
My relief was palpable—okay, I was a hypocrite—and I hoped it didn’t show on my face. “You’re going to Pride?”
“Have been every year since I came out.”
“Oh.” I wondered what that felt like. Obviously, that was the thing missing from my life for years: pride in myself, pride in what I liked and loved, and pride in the people I knew. Including my brother. I had never even gone to support him, in case the spotlight turned on me and my desperate veneer of heterosexuality was stripped away.
“I take it you’ve never gone?”
I shook my head, unable to reply.
“That’s a shame,” he said. “It’s the one night of the year you can feel like the city belongs to you, rather than everybody else.”
It must feel amazing.
“Who knows?” Dev continued. “If everything works out, maybe you can come this year. Or next, if this year is too soon.”
Before I could reply he was kissing me again, slowly, savouring the taste of my mouth and massaging the back of my head with the tips of his fingers. Maybe it was to distract me because he felt he put me on the spot with his offer, but it didn’t work.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. But I didn’t know what to do.
“I feel a little bit better now,” I said as he pulled away to let me breathe again.
“Then let’s do this before you run screaming into the night.” He was so fucking perceptive.
I nodded, and we both got out of the car at the same time.
The walk towards Joel’s door seemed like a long one. He lived in one side of a tiny little duplex. He used to have a room-mate, but now he liked living by himself. Or it probably wouldn’t be long before Mark moved in. I didn’t know where he was going to fit all of his wigs. And shoes. He’d probably have just as many shoes as wigs.
“Be strong,” Dev whispered as I pressed the doorbell.
Joel must have been quite close; the thump of his footsteps was immediately heard. “Who is it?” he yelled.
I looked at Dev; Dev gestured at me to answer.
This could end before it even began. I was at least hoping for the door to be answered so it could be slammed in my face. You couldn’t do that with a door that never opened.
I could see Joel’s shadow through the frosted glass on either side of the door. He was standing there, waiting for a response. My throat was dry.
“It’s Dev!” Dev yelled, exasperated.
“Steve’s Dev?” Joel asked, confused.
“Yes!”
I smiled at him. Steve’s Dev. Fuck, this had been so obvious to everyone but me.
The door opened and we heard Joel’s rant before we even saw him. “Look, if you’re here to plead Steve’s case on his behalf, you tell that man-child he has to come here himself—”
And he saw me. “Huh.”
I still couldn’t speak.
“Good evening, Dev,” Joel said, quite formally.
“Hi, Joel.” Dev was amused, even though he was in no way belittling the severity of the situation.
Joel stared at me. “Back for round two?” But at least he opened the screen door, although he stood in the doorway and blocked any possible entry for us.
“Who is it?” Mark appeared behind him, and glared. “Oh, it’s you.”
My reputation always preceded me.
“Hi, Dev,” Mark added politely.
“Hey, Mark,” Dev replied.
“What do you want?” Joel asked me, and he was obviously going to be a tougher nut to crack.
I stared at him, trying to formulate the words that had been tough enough to say to Dev earlier on this afternoon. I was probably doing an extremely accurate impersonation of a goldfish—wide-eyed and mouth agape as I gasped for air.
“I don’t have the patience for this.” Joel scowled.
Just as he was about to close the door, I grabbed him and pulled him in for the tightest, most personal-space-invading hug we had ever shared.
“I’m gay,” I howled, and the tears began. “I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay.”
And just like that, Joel’s arms tightened around me.
“I’m gay.” I couldn’t stop. “I’m gay I’m gay I’mgay I’mgay I’mgayimgayimgayimgayimgay—”
“I get the picture,” he whispered in my ear. “It’s going to be okay, Steve.”
I didn’t know how long we stood like that, our arms wrapped around each other, me hoping Joel was right and hoping I would be forgiven. Not just by him and my parents, but even Mark, who I had never been that good to, either.
But it still took me a while to stop saying those words that had been kept silent for so long. Finally Joel began laughing, and I found myself laughing along with him.
It was the first time in years I truly felt like everything could be okay.
Chapter Seven
It all seemed so ridiculous now, especially with the reception I received once I started being honest with people. When I had time to take a breather a bit later on and think about everything, it suddenly occurred to me how much time I had spent making myself (and everybody around me) unhappy. That was time I was never going to get back. Time wasted. Time where I could have been living my life and not constantly looking over my shoulder and fearing everything.
More time I could have spent with Dev.
And with my brother. God, the things we could have done together, the talks we could have had, the closeness we could have regained.
Bu
t not to worry now. Everything had reset. The future had all the possibilities any of us could imagine.
It was Mark who surprised me the most. He had come to the door looking like he was going to punch me for upsetting his boyfriend. Now he was handing me a coffee and saying kindly, “The closet fucks you up. But you’re out of it now.”
He didn’t say, however, that things would be easier from now on. And I appreciated that. I knew the damage I’d done to myself would stick around for years to come. You couldn’t inflict that much pain upon yourself without repercussions. And you couldn’t get rid of your demons that easily.
But, hey, at least I was starting—and better now than another number of years down the road.
I had to say—it was nice, sitting there with my brother and his boyfriend, with my boyfriend sitting next to me. It was the most relaxed I had felt around a family member in years. I could finally be the brother to Joel he deserved, and he could be the brother I never allowed myself to have.
But that was all still to come. I had to at least fill my parents in first.
Chapter Eight
We all traipsed over to my parents’ house together. Four gay guys descending, and the neighbourhood would probably think we were about to have a kiki.
Even though Joel and I had keys, we knocked and waited for them to answer the door.
Mum opened it in her pyjamas and nightgown, and she squealed unhappily when she saw us. “You can’t visit when I look like this!”
If it had just been me and Joel, she wouldn’t have given a toss. But with Dev and Mark along as well, that was company. And you couldn’t have company in your rubber duckie PJs.
Then she saw how close Dev and I were standing. And that my hand was in his.
“Henry!” she screamed. “It’s happened!”
Joel looked back and smiled at me.
I grimaced. “I’ve been a dick, yeah?”
He just nodded. Dev squeezed my hand tighter in support.
My mum’s eyes were wide, and she was so gobsmacked she hadn’t even unlocked the screen door to let us in.
“What are you yelling about?” my dad asked, appearing behind her. “Oh! We have company.”
“Look, look!” My mother pointed at me.
My dad harrumphed to himself, pulled his glasses out of the pocket of his robe, and once he had them on peered into the darkness of the porch to look at us all.
“They’re—they’re holding hands!”
“Yes,” I said. “We’re holding hands. Can we come in now?”
“Does this mean—”
“Mum, Dad,” I said, about to come out for the third time that night. “I’m gay.”
Mum unlocked the screen door. “Of course you are, darling. Now come in for a cuppa.”
After all the jokes about getting a two-for-one deal and how their gay sons could have a double wedding once the government stopped being fascist conservatives and passed marriage equality, my parents started yawning, and that was the signal to leave.
On the lawn I stood with Joel as we watched Dev and Mark talking animatedly at the bottom of the driveway.
“You do know that coming out never ends, right?” Joel asked.
“Huh?”
“Every time you meet someone new, or get a new job, or are at a party somewhere, you have to come out to somebody. Whether it’s them asking you if you have a girlfriend, or if you’re married, or what you did on the weekend, at some point you have to come out to them and the whole process starts over again.”
“Wow, I’m really depressed now.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Joel laughed. “It’s not always fun, it’s usually always bittersweet, but you get used to it.”
“What, being depressed?” I asked.
Joel laughed. “Yeah, that too. But I’m glad you did it. Not just for your benefit, but for my own selfish ones. I’m glad I’ll get my brother back again. And hopefully we can be friends too.”
“We are,” I said. “We always were. It probably just never felt like that to you because I was a complete arsehole.”
“I’m not going to argue with that.”
I took a deep breath. “And I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve pulled and the times I was a fucking shitbag to you and Mum and Dad, but especially to you. You’ve always been there for me. I wish I could say the same.”
“Thanks,” he said. “You didn’t have to say it, but I can’t say it isn’t nice to hear it.”
I surprised him by grabbing him in a huge bear hug. It felt nice when he reciprocated it.
“But what’s next?” he asked.
I pulled back. “I really don’t know. But I think that’s going to be the fun bit.”
“I like Dev. I think he’s good for you. Much better than Connor.”
“It was always Dev. I just let myself do stupid things along the way.”
“I’m not sure Connor would like being called a stupid thing, but he probably wouldn’t argue about it either.” Joel laughed, but it was with affection. Connor had become an important part of his life since getting with Mark. “Anyway, I’m sure he’ll get his one day. In a good way, I mean.”
“I know what you mean.”
Joel grinned. “Anyway, not that long until Pride. You going to make it your first?”
I smiled at Dev as he punched Mark in the shoulder. They both laughed, and Dev turned to look at me. His smile held, and I returned it.
Next year was too far away. November couldn’t come fast enough.
“Oh yeah,” I said. “In the immortal words of Diana Ross, ‘I’m Coming Out.’”
Epilogue
“Callum,” I said to my housemate when we arrived back home. “You’ve met Dev. Just wanted you to know he’s my boyfriend.”
Callum shook Dev’s hand, as if he hadn’t the first time he met him. “Hi, Steve’s boyfriend.”
“You, uh, don’t sound surprised,” I said suspiciously. Callum and I weren’t the greatest of friends, more we were ships that passed in the night. We shared a living space but not confidences. I admitted to myself I kept Callum at a distance, since he was gay too.
Was it telling that from all the applications for a housemate I’d had on the house I rented, I chose the one guy who’d told me up front he was gay?
“I came home one night to grab some things,” Callum said with a bit of a blush. “And I heard you calling Dev’s name in a very specific way. So I kind of assumed.”
“Oh,” I said, and Dev told me later I looked very cute when turning a bright shade of red.
He must’ve realised that I had come out of the closet since I was proudly introducing my boyfriend. He grinned delightedly. “Welcome to the family.” And then Callum hugged me. It was the first time we’d ever touched in such a way.
And it felt good. I was just full of love for humanity, it seemed, now that I was being honest with people. There’s some kind of moral contained in there, but I was too exhausted to entertain it.
“I take it I’ll be seeing a lot more of you, Dev?” Callum said.
“Both of us,” I replied.
“Good to hear.” Callum sized us up again. “And if you’re off to bed, turn down the volume a little bit, okay, Steve?”
He laughed at the expression on my face, and I was happy to flee to the sanctuary of my bedroom.
As Dev and I undressed, my phone buzzed. A text from Connor read Heard the good news on the gay grapevine. Happy for you and Dev. Be good to each other. By that, I mean you be good to him.
I will, I texted back. Thank you.
See you at Pride.
“Who was that?” Dev asked.
“Connor. I guess Mark gave him my number.”
“Should I be jealous?” Dev looked slightly anxious, and I immediately put a stop to that by throwing my phone aside and kissing him.
“Not at all. He was offering congratulations and telling me to be nice to you.”
“Good advice,” Dev sa
id, and he assisted me with getting rid of the rest of my clothes.
He must have been as tired as me, because his eyes were already drooping. His body pressed against mine, I stroked his back and lightly peppered him with kisses.
“My boyfriend,” I murmured. “That sounds so fucking good. And I can’t wait to cheer you on at Pride.”
He perked up. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Fantastic.” He meant it. He really meant it.
And another idea began to formulate in my head. I was going to show him what he meant to me, and in the most public way possible. He wouldn’t be able to doubt how I felt about him.
Roll on, November.
Coming February 27th 2018
Read on for a preview of
In Your Eyes
On a Night Like This #4
By Renae Kaye
~~~~~~~~
Jordy Reynolds. Aged twenty-six. Five foot nine inches. Blue eyes. Currently sporting ash-blond hair, but had been known to colour it blue, green, purple, or pink. Infectious laugh. Beautiful white teeth. Tattoo of a turtle on the inside of his upper left arm. Allergy to peanuts. Drinks lattes with two sugars. Prefers rice to noodles. Has a dog named Shazza. Drives a zippy red car with a ding in the back where he reversed into a pole at a shopping centre but couldn’t afford to get it fixed. Likes to dance.
I stopped mentally listing all the details I knew about Jordy Reynolds when April, our coordinator, entered the room.
“Okay, take a seat. This needs to be super quick because we’ve got a lot on today.”
The fifteen staff members in the room immediately obeyed. The meetings were straightforward and essential to our work, so we knew we had to be serious. Jordy took the seat opposite me and one over. I didn’t lift my head from the piece of paper I was writing gibberish on as a pretext of updating patient notes, but I knew exactly where Jordy Reynolds was sitting because my inner radar tracked him like he had a target painted on his—
“Is there anyone missing?” April asked as I added another item to my mental list: And one fantastically pert butt.
