by C. J. Duggan
“Well, we’re even then. We can call it a draw in the ‘being idiots’ category.” I squeezed her hand reassuringly.
Ellie just shook her head. “It’s not even.”
I looked into Ellie’s red-rimmed eyes and a coldness swept over me as I tried to read the level of dread in Ellie’s expression. I let go of her hand.
“What did you do, Ellie?”
“That’s just it, I haven’t done anything. Me and Stan, we haven’t you know … done it.”
I paused, surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
I slumped on my bed in relief. “Ellie, that’s a good thing,” I assured her. “It just means that you really like him, that when it comes time it’ll be really special because you care about each other.” I swelled all over with such affection for Ellie, my best friend, so proud of the new leaf she had turned over this summer.
My words, however, did not seem to console her. Ellie couldn’t even look at me; instead, she shredded a tissue in her shaky hands.
I scooted closer. “Ellie?”
“I’m so scared, Tess. I’m so frightened of doing it with Stan.”
This vulnerability in her was new, and I was so happy to see it.
I smiled. “Because you like him so much?”
It was then that Ellie’s tear-brimmed eyes met mine.
“Because I’m a virgin.”
***
I stood at the kitchen sink, slowly downing a glass of water with a shaky hand. I was grateful I was home alone, as any attempt at coherent conversation would have been lost on me. My mind was mush and had been ever since Ellie left.
Ellie was a virgin.
Could I believe anything anymore? Once I had picked myself up off the floor where I’d fallen off the bed and got over the sting of the carpet burn on my elbow, what followed was an epic confession from a blubbering Ellie that left me shocked, stunned and shocked all over again.
Ellie confessed that the reason why the boys were so mean to her was because she refused to put out, but she agreed to let people believe she had. Little did she know that those lies would end up being the only reason boys wanted to be with her.
I couldn’t believe it. What about her confidence? Her knowledge? Her sage advice?
Probably stupid Cosmo magazine.
Ellie said she had adopted the certain image, the reputation she had so fully, that she didn’t know who the real Ellie was anymore.
And then she met Stan.
He didn’t want her for sex; he was with her because he liked her: the real Ellie.
The clincher in the surrealness of her confession was when Ellie turned to me and asked:
“So, what’s it like? You know … sex.”
I had blinked frantically, and my mind had gone blank. I just couldn’t process that question, not from Ellie.
I had been with Toby a mere hours before, and I still struggled to form an answer to that question.
I had given as much detail as I was comfortable with. But as I stood at the kitchen window in the comfort of my own company, I remembered every detail from last night. It had been amazing, but my body had tensed momentarily as it remembered what it had done with Sean only a night ago.
Chapter Forty-One
To: tessmcgee
Cc: ellieparker
Lock up your daughters, Onslow!
I’m coming home!
Sender: Adam I can jump puddles Henderson
Adam’s grand homecoming coincided with another disco in the beer garden. Okay, so maybe Ellie and I had begged and pleaded with Uncle Eric and Chris to hold one that weekend. Hell, we wanted to celebrate.
The best thing about having inside connections was that we managed to get the disco organised for the Friday night, a non-work night! I even suggested to Chris he could promote Amy from dish pig to fill-in waitress. He begrudgingly agreed to give her a go and that resulted in Amy becoming President, Vice President and Secretary of the Tess McGee Fan Club. No more dirty looks for me!
Amy skidded through the back sliding door to the beer garden where I sat with Ellie in a shady spot where only a small slither of sunlight reached.
“Tess, I heard your phone go off.” Amy handed over my bag.
“Ta.”
She smiled brightly and ran back to the restaurant to get stuck into her waitressing chores.
“She is the most enthusiastic waitress I’ve ever seen,” Ellie said with a laugh.
My screen was lit up with the words ‘1 new message’.
Toby.
A smile broke out across my face.
“One guess.” Ellie playfully kicked at my chair.
Life was easier now, better. I didn’t have to snoop around corners for secondhand information or rely on Ellie to give me the update on when the Onslow Boys would be coming in. Instead, Toby and I texted. We had each other’s numbers now. It was officially on, but we were still keeping quiet about it, keeping it on the down low for a while. We hadn’t seen each other since that night at McLean’s Beach and then his house; he was either at the garage or I was at the café.
So I couldn’t help but beam when I read the message.
See you at 8
Toby.
“Is he sending you love poetry or something?” Ellie peeked over her shades, shades she didn’t really need now that the sun had shifted.
I sighed. “Not exactly, but it’s good enough for me.”
I went home to change, the thought of arriving at the disco all fresh and clean, instead of stinking of kitchen fumes, my hair shiny instead of limp from steam over the stove and sink was a nice change. A brilliant change. I glammed up some fitted jeans with some fancy heels and a baby blue halter that contrasted nicely against the tan of my skin.
Ellie had arrived early to meet Stan for dinner so I knew I would be making a solo entrance. I made a point of arriving later than eight. I aimed for cool and casual, which I probably wasn’t pulling off very well as I weaved through the crowd, ducking and stretching to see a familiar face.
So much for a grand entrance – I didn’t know any of these people. Had I gatecrashed a private function? It was then that a pair of hands covered my eyes, and I heard the unmistakable taunt of a familiar voice.
“Look out, lady! I have use of both my arms now.”
I spun around and flung myself into the two fully functioning arms of Adam.
“Hey, you!”
Adam crushed me in his grip, but I gave as good as I got.
“I missed you,” I said.
Adam smiled. “Tess, stop flirting with me, please. Speaking of, where’s Pretty Parker?”
I whacked him in the upper arm. “Don’t start.”
Adam screamed so loud, people stopped mid dance to glare at us with disapproving stares.
“Stop it, Tess! I have delicate bones.”
I went to retort but Adam was body slammed as a squealing Ellie appeared from nowhere and threw herself onto him in a hug.
“Why aren’t I a chick magnet like this with all the girls?” His voice was muffled as he tried to blow Ellie’s hair from his mouth.
“Because you belong to us!” Ellie declared.
Adam threw a look behind him to Stan, who watched on in amusement.
Adam shook his head. “Chicks! They’re just so needy. On the email, the phone constantly. It’s exhausting.”
“This coming from someone who fingerknitted us friendship bracelets and mailed them to us?” I added.
“Oh wow! Would you look at that?” Adam pretended he saw someone in the distance and waved to a girl. She looked confused and glanced behind her to see who Adam was waving to.
“I’ll be right back, better circulate. People get really funny if you don’t say hi.” He was quickly swallowed up by the crowd.
There was a downshift in lighting and the music slowed as The Cranberries song, ‘Linger’, filled the night for the lovers in the garden. Ellie and Stan took to the dance floor, to not do the Robot or the Sprinkler but j
ust to hold each other and sway. I smiled, Ellie finally got her Prince Charming.
As my gaze drifted, I saw Toby at the entrance, eyes locked on me. He broke into a broad smile as he weaved his way through the crowd, not taking his gaze from me. Not once.
I folded my arms. “You’re late.”
“You’re beautiful.” He smiled wickedly. “Especially when you’re mad.”
Ringer squeezed past, guiding Amanda through.
“Why don’t you ever speak to me like that?”
Toby punched Ringer in the arm.
Ringer turned shrugging his shoulders.
“Incidentally,” Sean’s voice jolted me. I had forgotten that we stood in a very public beer garden. “Ringer does speak to Amanda like that, when he’s drunk. It’s not pretty.” In true Sean fashion, he was happy and carefree.
Luckily, though, we hadn’t talked any more about it or anything. It seemed we were cool. Nothing had changed between us since that night at the Point. Ringer flipped Sean the bird and took Amanda to the dance floor. Toby, Sean and I stood on the edge, watching the couples hold each other close and sway. Guilt spiked through me any time I was with them together. I forced it down, fearful it would seep into my time with Toby. I had to tell him about Sean. I knew I did. But not now. Toby gently rubbed a lazy circle with his thumb on my palm.
A collective scream whooped out of the dance floor and the unmistakable guitar strums flowed through the speakers, as ‘Wonderwall’ sounded. This song was everywhere and everyone – even, tragically, my dad – seemed to know all the words. Ellie and Stan stumbled over, pulling the three of us onto the dance floor where there was an explosion of smashed bodies pushed together in the cramped space. Nobody cared, as the DJ lights flashed to the beat and everyone swayed and belted out the chorus. Toby held my hands, anchoring me to him in a rare, unnoticed moment in which everyone was lost in the music. We broke eye contact as Adam appeared and slung his arms around our shoulders, forcing us into some bad side-shuffling dance moves. Ringer and Amanda slow danced to our left, Ellie and Stan sang joyfully into their mimed microphones, jokingly serenading each other while Sean played air guitar like no one else. We drowned out the music as the whole disco sang at the top of their lungs. We linked into a chain of slung arms and twisted limbs. A group of friends enjoying a moment.
‘Wonderwall’ faded out and was replaced by ‘Bow River’, a real Aussie anthem by Cold Chisel. Non-dancer Toby quickly took his exit from the dance floor and mimed to Sean asking if he wanted a drink. Toby leaned into me, he was warm and smelled incredible.
“You want a drink?”
I shook my head, and he winked and squeezed my hand as he vacated the dance floor, sidestepping a flailing girl. Sean took my hand and started to Rock ’n’ Roll dance with me in very uncoordinated moves that eventually just led him into flinging me around the dance floor like a rag doll. He flung me towards him too fast, and so quick that I slammed into him and stopped hard, my nose smashed against his chest. I probably would have been in pain if I hadn’t been so winded.
“Sorry ’bout that.” He tried to not laugh through his breaths, but it was evident we were both beyond it.
I rubbed my forehead. “That’s going to hurt tomorrow.” Sean had stopped laughing, instead he seemed distracted by something near the bar. I tried to follow his gaze but my view was blocked by the crisscross of the dancing crowd.
“What’s wrong?”
I wasn’t sure he had heard me until he flicked an agitated look my way.
“Nothing, just wait here, okay?”
Okay, Mr Cryptic.
Whatever. I continued to dance by myself, lost in the feel of the music. Suddenly Adam and Ellie flanked me, and my stomach fizzed with excitement. I thought we were about to tear up the dance floor school-social style. Ellie dug her fingers painfully into my arm; I went to shake her off until I followed her horrified gaze and then the music died.
Chapter Forty-Two
Everyone stood frozen on the dance floor.
At first we were confused, but it didn’t take long to work out what was happening. My heart clenched.
Toby and Sean were facing off by the bar, and before I could even wonder what had happened, they had each other by the scruff of their necks, hands fisted in each other’s shirts. Glasses shattered as Toby threw Sean against the bar.
“FIGHT!”
“Tess, don’t!” Ellie tried to hold me back, but I broke away and pushed through the stunned crowd towards them.
“Toby, Sean, stop it!” I screamed, trying to get their attention. I slapped at their arms, trying to break their hold on each other, but it was of no use. Their eyes were locked on each other, murderous.
An arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back.
“Adam, let me go!”
Chris grabbed Toby, and Stan and Ringer worked to edge Sean away. They grunted and swore as Toby and Sean struggled away from them and towards each other.
“Stop it!” I screamed, tears threatening to spill over.
“Get him out of here,” Chris yelled at Stan and Ringer, but Toby broke free and in a silent rage was the first to leave.
Adam let go of me. My heels clicked frantically on the concrete as I chased after Toby. Sean’s hand reached out and grabbed my upper arm, preventing me.
“Tess, don’t.” His tone was fierce, his expression grave.
“What is wrong with you? Let go of me!”
“He knows! Alright, Tess? He knows.”
My head swam. How? How did this happen? It all became perfectly clear when I saw, further down the bar, Carla sipping on her drink, all innocence and sweetness. I caught a sideways glance at a smug-looking Peter.
She turned to face me. “Oops.” She shrugged. “I guess he didn’t know.”
I broke away from Sean. He didn’t try to stop me.
I ran as far as I could before ditching my heels, and then pounded the pavement with such force it wasn’t long before I could faintly see the long stride of Toby’s silhouette up ahead.
“Toby, wait!”
He stopped, as if flinching at the sound of my voice. I ran up short, trying to catch my breath.
It was then I cringed against a new sound, a series of running steps behind me. Ellie, Adam, and the Onslow Boys coming up short, their breaths laboured.
I made sure I got in first.
But before I could speak, Toby spun around, his gaze searing into me as he walked towards me.
“Deny it,” he said, “tell me nothing happened.”
My mouth gaped open, and I stumbled to form words, which just made him angrier.
“It’s not what you think.” My voice quivered.
“Did he touch you?”
Oh God, please don’t do this.
“It happened the night Angela was at your house. I saw her car in the driveway, what was I supposed to think?”
Hurt and disbelief flashed across Toby’s face.
“You think that little of me?”
“It’s not what you think, Toby.” Sean’s voice came in from behind me. “We’re just friends.”
I stepped closer, reaching out, but he flinched away.
“Don’t.”
I could feel myself falling apart in a blind panic. “Toby, please don’t do this.”
He refused to look at me. A long moment stretched between us, his jaw clenched in anger. Just as I was certain he was going to walk away, and I’d never see him again, Sean stepped forward.
“If you’re going to take the high moral ground, Toby, then why don’t you start by being honest with Tess?”
Honest? What?
Toby glared at Sean, a silent warning that made goosebumps form on my flesh.
“I swear to God, Sean,” Toby bit out.
I looked from Toby to Sean and back again. “What’s he talking about?”
“Go on, Toby, tell her. Tell her of the job offer you accepted in the West.”
Sean turned to me. “Toby’s moving. He�
��s leaving Onslow.” He turned back to Toby. “I bet you didn’t tell her that.”
“Toby?” I said. “Toby.”
A raw emotion flickered briefly in Toby’s eyes, but he shut it down. He looked at me, unflinching. “Yeah, well, there’s nothing keeping me here now.”
And just like that, he walked away.
Chapter Forty-Three
If there is one thing worse than self-pity, it was other people’s pity.
They all looked at me with solemn, knowing gazes and sad smiles, and worst of all, they kept asking, “Are you okay?”
No, I was not okay.
It was as if someone had punched a hole in my chest and every rational slice of my brain refused to function. Ten days had passed since the disco without a word, not even a glimpse of him. I stopped checking my phone every few minutes after the seventh day. He hadn’t come to the hotel all week.
I sat in a booth at the Caltex with Sean on a Tuesday afternoon, the one person who didn’t offer sad smiles or patronising words of comfort. He was just as lost as I was.
“Have you seen him?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Sean said, “and he’s pretending nothing happened. Every time I go to talk to him about it, he refuses to.”
Like I never existed.
“God knows what Carla said to him.” I sighed.
Sean scoffed. “I knew as soon as I saw him over at the bar. Carla was whispering in his ear. Then he turned around and looked at me dancing with you, and I knew. In one look, I knew.” His eyes focused on his fingers as he rubbed condensation off his glass.
I felt for him; he was at as big a loss as what I was.
“At least he’ll talk to you.”
Sean shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t know what would be better. He’s not the same with me, things probably won’t ever be the same again. You don’t betray a mate like that. You just don’t.”
He’d lost his best friend, and it was all because of me.
“How were you supposed to know? We hadn’t told anyone. And now you guys are fighting … Sean, I’m so sorry.”
