by Leanne Davis
She heard him gasp, but she was over him so fast, he didn’t expect it. She pushed him into her, feeling ready and tight. He slid into her and groaned. She knew it felt good to him. She could feel his hands on her hips, and his physical restraint from pushing into her. He pulled into her, but not as hard as she was sure he wanted to. Then his lips found hers. This time, his mouth was hot and open over hers, just like their bodies. Wet, hot, and deep his tongue entered her mouth, and she let him. She didn’t hate it.
He slid into her further. Out and in. So slowly he moved inside her, letting her feel his strength and power, as well as the care he was taking. His care and restraint were the keys to her letting him in her.
She didn’t think she’d ever have a normal sex life. Or normal responses. She never could picture herself needing sex like she thought she used to. But now, she had hope, perhaps she could do it again. She certainly liked some parts of it and could respond to others. Maybe not all, but some.
“It’s okay, Will,” she said into his ear as she leaned over him. He didn’t answer because he couldn’t speak. She knew when he accepted her permission. He flipped them both over, and entered her hard and fast. Her body responded instantly, it fit him, and she let him. She let him. When he at last pushed into her as deep and full as he could, uttering a groan of total pleasure, she held him as he collapsed on top of her. She was okay even then. She felt his chest on her, pinning her down in his exhaustion. His skin was warm to her touch, and his face was pressed into her neck. For once, she could take care of him.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Will stirred. She felt so warm, spread under him, against him. He rolled to the side of her. It was good. Surprisingly good. He was prepared for awkward, tragic, and miserable, not hot, undemanding sex. He knew she didn’t come during intercourse. He didn’t think, however, that she was miserable, unhappy, or totally freaked out during it either. Which was more than he hoped, dreamed or could have wished for.
He thought perhaps he might get her to come. That was all he wanted. He never intended to have sex with her. Not tonight. Not so soon. He thought of it as more of a process. A series of steps. He never intended for this to be the final step tonight. He suddenly rolled onto his back with a sigh of disgust. He never intended to have sex.
“Jessie?”
“I didn’t hate it.”
He smiled. Any other woman whispering that to him, now, at this post-coital moment, would have completely freaked him out and disappointed him. Instead, he felt pleased. Grateful. Hopeful.
“Yeah? Well, I didn’t hate it either.”
She laughed out loud, which surprised him. It also surprised her, as evidenced by her sudden twitching. “I wasn’t worried how sex would go for you, soldier. Any wet spot would do, if it’s really been three years.”
“It really has. And no wet spot would do. Only yours.”
“Somehow, that’s not very comforting.”
He laughed before growing solemn. “I thought we’d explore this only a little tonight. I didn’t really think we’d go so far.”
“I’m on the pill. It’s okay.”
He felt his heart swelling in his chest. Thank God! The last thing he needed was something extra, something wrong, and something unplanned to happen to Jessie.
He rolled towards her, taking her into his arms.
“Do you think it’ll ever be the same for me?”
“No. But I hope it gets better.”
“It’s not you.”
“I know that. I really do know that.”
She sighed and buried her face in the crook of his shoulder. “You do know. Which makes it impossible that you’re here, like this.”
“It’s not someplace I ever thought we’d be.”
“Are you sorry?”
“No. Are you?”
“About you? Never. I’ve never been anything but thankful for you.”
She fell quiet beside him, and he did too. There was never a moment when he wasn’t with Jessie, and aware of everything going on inside of her. Every demon, every mistake, every horror inflicted upon her. But now he could finally see her as any other girl… Woman. She had grown into someone he could share this with.
Did she do it out of gratitude? Possibly. There was a distinct possibility. But then again, there were worse reasons. At some point, she would have to engage in sex again. And who better than he? He, who knew her demons, as well as her past. He might not know every answer to her questions about how to have sex, like sex, and want sex, but he was someone she could trust and learn the answers with.
Was that what he’d become to her? Was that what he wanted? No. He came here, to her, so he could be with her. He wanted Jessie for years, despite all the reasons why he shouldn’t. Now, however, he didn’t know where this left them.
****
Will woke early, as usual. There was no ignoring a decade of training. As daylight seeped into the room, his eyes popped open. He tried to snuggle next to Jessie and flipped over, away from the light. Nothing worked. He gave up eventually, after minutes of trying to keep his eyes closed. He headed to the bathroom. When he came out, he stopped dead in his tracks, seeing Jessie standing there, barely awake, and almost falling over with fatigue.
“I was just going for a jog. Not sneaking out.”
“I know. You’ve jogged at five in the morning every morning I’ve ever spent with you. I just thought I might as well come too. Maybe, you know, try something different.”
He stared at her sleepy eyes, recalling their conversation from so long ago when he first tried to get her off the couch. Then, she was so thin, she seemed to waste away before his eyes. Now, she obviously thought she should look that way again. Her hair stuck out from her head in a messy array. She put his t-shirt over her.
“You don’t have to run with me. I know I can’t keep up. I mean, look at you. You probably run what? Five miles?”
“Ten.”
“Ten. Of course. I just wanted to use the motivation to at least leave the apartment.”
He nodded. “Okay, yeah. If you want to. Sure, you can run with me.”
She smiled before vanishing into the bathroom. When she came out, she had actual running pants on, jogging shoes, and a hat over her hair. For once, Jessie looked appropriate. When they started off down the dirt road of the ranch, he stayed slow, letting her set the pace. It wasn’t more than a half mile before she was sweating, huffing, and puffing. But still she kept her feet moving. She was trying, and succeeding. She was nothing like the girl he brought home from Mexico. He thought his heart might explode with pride over her.
After another mile, she suddenly stopped, and started walking as she waved at him. “Go on. Have your real run now. I’ll walk back on my own.”
He hesitated. He hadn’t even broken into a sweat sheen. He could use the release, however, along with the endorphin rush, and the quiet to think about what happened. Instead, he stopped, and started walking with her.
“It’s okay. I’ll stay with you.”
She looked at him oddly. “You don’t have to, soldier. I’m used to being alone.”
“Not when I’m around.”
She smiled, and he smiled back.
****
Will spent his entire leave with Jessie. They lived together more now than in all the months they spent in North Carolina. They ran together, walked together, ate together, and made love together. She learned to like all of it. Some things were easier for her than others, but the others kept getting easier. She dropped weight, and like the results. She quit saying rude remarks about herself. She even asked Will to teach her the self-defense moves he started with her so long ago. He did, and for hours, they sparred. He taught her, and fought her, and she concluded her sessions by swearing at him under a sheen of sweat that covered her skin. She called him “soldier” and threatened to never let him near her again.
Jessie learned how to defend herself, take care of herself, and feel good about herself. He often watched her at
odd times, marveling at the girl he once knew, and comparing her to this woman before him. She was so nice, it startled him. She smiled a lot and laughed a lot. She even made jokes. Who knew Jessie Bains could be funny? She had an offbeat sense of humor. Who knew that Jessie actually had a personality? She was the total opposite of the girl he first met. She wasn’t loud, crude, obnoxious, or vain. She wasn’t needy or lazy. Instead, she became kind, respectable, and responsible. She still tended the horses, went to work, and showed up for her therapy sessions. She worked hard.
She became someone he could respect. And someone he could love.
****
Jessie was in his arms as he held her against the walls of the shower stall. What began as an innocent shared shower after their afternoon spar, turned into a very different kind of sparring. She was wet, and slick everywhere. She put her hand down on him, then guided him into her, where she released her weight and fell on him, groaning in pleasure. He groaned in response. She seemed to become a different woman each time they did this. She started to respond, and like it, often initiating it, and eventually started having orgasms from it. And now she was as hot for him as he once believed she was for everyone else.
She hung onto him, erupting in cries that were loud and guttural. Her body moved as fast and hard as his. She suddenly contracted around him, shuddering, shivering, and crying out with such ecstasy that he never thought he’d witness from Jessie.
He came into her, and she quieted as he finished. Her legs slid down to the bottom of the shower stall, while her arms slid around his neck. He held her close to him and their bodies pressed together as the hot water sluiced between them. What started out as hot became tender and sweet. He kissed her, and her mouth now eagerly opened to his. He tasted her tears more than felt them, and he knew why. He was going to break her heart. Again. He was leaving her.
She had yet to confront him or say anything. But she could read a calendar. She knew they had little time. Time they needed for talking and not just doing this.
She suddenly dropped down, and her mouth was on him. He jerked back. His eyes snapped open as if spring-loaded to find her on her knees before him, with her mouth on him, and her wet black hair between his legs. Her lips slid over him, wet and hot. Her tongue licked him. Her mouth sucked him. He leaned back against the stall, groaning with pleasure so deep, he thought he’d collapse. In all their times together, she never did this before.
Her mouth moved, as her head moved, and he watched her and felt her until he couldn’t take it. He closed his eyes, and leaned his head against the glass shower stall as she pulled and tugged at him. She continued to coax the blinding explosion that was about to escape him, but he pulled her off him. He parted her legs and came inside her as powerful and hot as ever.
Her arms came around his shoulders, and he held her up. She quieted, kissing his neck and his shoulder as she whispered, “I love you, Will. I’ve always loved you.”
She said it quietly, and very sanely. She said and did what he knew was the only way she could have done what she just did. He closed eyes. He couldn’t say it back to her. There was no future for them. There was only that. He rescued her. She suffered in his presence, and he helped her heal. There was only pain in store for them.
He kissed her wet, slick hair.
She sighed. “It’s okay. I know you can’t say it back. I know you have to leave. I’ve always known it. This was just a vacation for you.”
He turned the water off, and opened the stall door as they both stepped out to get their towels. She wrapped herself in a thick, white towel, but her eyes didn’t rise to meet his.
“Jessie?”
She wouldn’t look at him, so he stepped before her. He lifted her chin, and her eyes to his. “You’re not a vacation for me.”
She finally smiled. “No, I’ve never been a vacation for you.”
“I wanted to be here. I came here because there was nowhere to go, but to you. I just can’t stay.”
“I know that, soldier. I’ve always known.”
She jerked away from his arms, turned, and headed towards her dresser. She started pulling out clothes. He followed her to his duffel bag and pulled out jeans. He dressed and watched her finish. He’d gotten so used to watching her. Their studio apartment was quite undersized, and left little room for shyness, much less privacy. He watched her dress, primp, and do her hair. He watched her make dinners, eat, and always helped her clean up. He was privy to her entire life.
The problem was he would always be this way to her. Visiting. She’d wait. He knew if he asked, she’d wait for him, over and over again. She’d let him come and go from her as he pleased. He’d break her heart over and over again, but she’d let him do it. However, he loved her too much to ever do that to her.
He really loved her, despite his conflicting thoughts. He even loved her before she became lovable.
The one thing that Jessie needed was a man unlike her father. One of the main sources of Jessie’s problems with her father was how easily he left her for the military. Just as Will would do to her.
After dinner, they sat together, still quiet, staring out at the horses in the fading twilight. Will finally said what she was avoiding. “You need to get on with your life now.”
“I have. Look at me.”
“I know. I mean, I do see. But I mean fully. Like move on. Have a life. The life you need and deserve, with a man who will appreciate you every day of the week. Who will come home each night for dinner with you. Who will give you babies and be there to raise them with you. You deserve the life you were always denied. And being with me, would be just that, denying you what you deserve.”
Tears came to her eyes, and slowly streamed down her cheeks. She couldn’t turn her face to look at him, so she stared harder at the horses.
“You mean someone like Dr. Clark? Someone who doesn’t choose war over love? Over humanity. Over a real life?”
He sighed. “Yes. If he’s who you want. You should have someone who can give you the life you always dreamt of having.”
She suddenly swung around and looked at him. “You could, Will. You could finish your term. I’ll wait. I will, if I know there is an end to it. I can live with that. Then we can go anywhere you want, and do anything you want to do. I’ll do anything for you.”
He shook his head. “That’s the thing, Jessie, this is what I want to do. I’m a soldier. It hasn’t changed. It hasn’t even waned. I might want to be with you, but you can’t handle the military lifestyle I have to live. Don’t argue. We both know your history. We know you can’t go back to this, but neither can I leave it.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No. I can’t. You’re not hearing me. I don’t want to leave it.”
She suddenly stood up, her eyes flashing, tipping her chair behind her, quite reminiscent of her former tantrums. “You’re a selfish prick, you know that, Will Hendricks? You came back to fuck me. Why? You could have gotten it anywhere. Why did you have to come back?”
He stood up. “I came back because you needed me.”
“Wasn’t that nice of you? Did you come back to give poor, frigid Jessie lessons in good sex?”
“No. I came back because I love you.”
She stopped dead. So did he. He never intended to tell her that. “Although sometimes I wonder why I do.”
Her eyes dropped, and her stance sagged as her shoulders slouched. “And now what? Now you can leave me?”
“I don’t want to leave you, but neither can I stay. We’re, well we’ve always been the victims of bad timing, and bad circumstances.”
Her laugh rang out, but it was hollow. “Bad circumstances?”
He put an arm on her and pulled her to him. “You know what I mean.”
She finally nodded. “Be gone when I wake up. I don’t want a big, sad goodbye at the door. I don’t want to watch you leave me. I don’t want to think about where you’re going after you leave me. Just be gone.”
“Jess—”
>
“Just do that for me. Do it my way.”
He let out a long sad sigh. “Fine. I’ll do it your way. But then we’re done. No more letters. No more holding pattern. We get divorced. We move on. We heal. This happened, all of it, and I’ll never forget you. What you did for me, how you made me feel. But I refuse to have you sitting here waiting around for me. No more wasted time, wasted years, wasted youth. I want nothing more for you, Jessie Hendricks, than someone to love, a life, a job, and a family of your own. One that gives you all the normalcy, and simple happiness that you need.”
She nodded as tears fell on her cheeks. “Can I keep your name? I don’t ever want to be Jessie Bains again.”
“You’ll never be that girl again. Of course, you can keep my name.”
“That’s it then? You made me normal and now you want me to go find someone else to be normal with?”
He let out a long, heartfelt breath. “Yes. Find happiness. Don’t wait around for me.”
“You’ll sign my divorce papers?”
“I will.”
“And be gone. No notice. No goodbyes.”
“No notice. No goodbyes. Jessie?”
“What?”
“Don’t ever doubt how I feel about you.”
She paused, but finally nodded. “I know. I really do. I know.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
When Jessie woke up alone three mornings later, she curled up into a ball and didn’t move for another three days. There were no tears in her. There was no anger. There were no crazy tantrums. There was no urge to run out for anonymous sex. There was no searching for razor blades.
Instead, Jessie finally got up, put her shoes on, and went for a two-mile jog. She later got dressed, took care of the horses, and reported to the Clapsmiths on the horses’ schedules, and care, and that Will was gone.
She went to work.
She did it the next day, and the next, and the next. She put one foot in front of the other. Quietly. Normally. Without any crazy.
