“I’d better clean up,” she said, preparing to stand up. He dropped an arm around her shoulder, stopping her.
“It’ll wait, darlin’. Sit with me a minute and I’ll help you later.” He studied her face, letting his gaze lovingly roam over her eyes, her nose, that incredible, beautiful mouth. Dark had descended, but they hadn’t turned on any lights. Instead, Hannah had lit an assortment of candles, which cast a soft, hazy glow across the room. “Do you know this is the first time we’ve ever been alone together.”
She nodded. The same thing had occurred to her just moments before. Perhaps that’s why she was so nervous.
“I know.” She couldn’t look at him, fearing he’d see the desire in her eyes.
“Is that why you’re so nervous?” he asked softly, bending to nuzzle her neck. Her scent was strong here, sweet and enticing. Against his lips, he could feel her pulse scramble.
“I’m…I’m…not…” She had to swallow. It was difficult when his lips were against her skin, warming it, teasing it, making butterflies take flight in her belly. “Nervous,” she finally managed to get out, making him laugh.
“Now Hannah-Anna,” he whispered, tumbling her across his lap and grinning at the look on her face. “Don’t you know you’re not supposed to fib?”
“You sound like Riley,” she complained, trying to force herself to relax as she looked up at him.
“Do I?” He bent and brushed his mouth gently, lightly, over hers in a teasing motion that had her groaning, reaching for him, winding her arms around his neck.
“Jesse.” It was all she could say. His name. Half plea, half prayer as he pulled her closer until they were pressed against one another, his mouth, desperate and needy, clinging to hers, taking them deeper and deeper into the dark abyss of desire where reason fled and only feelings remained.
Panic settled in her mind, her heart, but Hannah knew without a doubt nothing had ever felt so right. So perfect.
“Jesse,” she whispered again, arching against him, letting him take the kiss deeper, to a place where desire licked at her sanity, wiping away any thoughts other than the thought of how wonderful it felt to touch him.
To be touched. It had been so long, Hannah thought. So very long.
With a quick motion of his arms, he had her lying full atop him, his arms anchored around her, holding her in place as his mouth plundered, driving her wild as desire, edgy and fierce, ripped along her nerve endings, causing soft little whimpers to escape.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, drawing back to cup her face in her hands. “Hannah-Anna,” he whispered, pressing a light kiss to her bare neck, making her shudder atop him. “So beautiful, my Hannah-Anna.”
She wanted nothing more than to be beautiful for him. To be everything he wanted, needed. But she’d had so little experience with men. So little experience at this. The last time she’d been a teenager and hadn’t appreciated how wonderful, how perfect such a meeting, a mating of two bodies, two souls could be.
With Jesse, she knew what was possible. And it thrilled her as nothing before.
His lips slid from her neck, to her collarbone, as his hands slowly pushed her blouse off her shoulders. Gently, reverently, he pressed a kiss to each. First one, then the other, causing a soft sigh to escape her.
He turned, flipping her onto her back beneath him, leaning up on his elbow so he could see her face in the flickering candlelight. He bent and kissed her eyelids, her nose, her mouth, teasing it until she was moaning softly again, clinging to him. His hands ached to touch her, to feel her skin against his.
Slowly, he unbuttoned her blouse, carefully spreading the material so that the pale golden skin beneath beckoned. He bent and kissed the flat of her belly, letting his tongue circle the small indentation of her belly button. Then let his mouth move upward, nuzzling, tasting, leaving a wicked wet path of desire as his tongue slid upward until it found the hard nub of her nipple. His mouth closed over it, greedily, hungrily, and she cried out, arching against him, her fingers tangling through the strands of his hair.
He suckled gently, laving the tightened bud until her body was arching to meet his, to put out the flames of desire that were flaring brightly out of control.
The locks and bolts that he’d kept on his emotions all these years seemed to come tumbling open and desire slammed into Jesse, knocking him senseless until he couldn’t think, couldn’t reason—only feel.
Desires so long denied demanded to be fed, and he feasted on her, unable to get enough. Certain he would go mad if he didn’t fill her and this unbearable need for her he’d harbored inside.
With a quick flick of his wrist, he snapped open her shorts, pushed them down, kissing a path down the bare expanse of her thighs, making her sigh and groan, as he replaced his lips with his tongue.
“Jesse.” Unable to bear not feeling his skin next to hers, Hannah tore at his shirt, sending his buttons flying. She leaned up, pushing the material away, kissing every inch of exposed skin she could reach, wanting, needing more.
He groaned when she reached for his zipper, twisting to help her free him from the constraint. With a groan of desire pent up too long, Jesse held her face in his hand, let his lips trail over hers as he lifted himself up, then carefully, slowly, entered her.
“Ahhh, Hannah,” he whispered on a low moan. Everything inside him seemed to still and explode at the same time. So many feelings burst through, it was like a kaleidoscopic rainbow after a long drought, brilliant colors, different shades, streaks of feelings. He began to move, slowly at first, then faster as her legs wound around him, clinging, urging him on.
She couldn’t seem to get enough of him. It simply wasn’t enough. It had been so long, and yet she knew it had never, ever been like this. Where her heart felt as if it were melting, melding with his. Where her blood felt as if it were too hot for her veins. She was spiraling higher and higher, feeling, tasting, experiencing things she’d never known existed, never would forget.
“Jesse…” She couldn’t stop saying his name, a fervent whisper against his neck as she clung to him, her body rising and falling with his, faster and faster until she was certain she was going to fall right off the earth.
“Hannah-Anna…” He whispered her name like a mantra over and over, then he lifted his head for one long moment and plunged into her. Plunging them both over the other edge into ecstasy.
Jesse was more than a little shaken as he looked at Hannah, who had her eyes closed and was dozing cozily in his arms. The candles had burned low, reflecting just a hint of shadows and light in the night’s darkness. He couldn’t stop staring at her. She was the most beautiful thing in the world. He was absolutely certain of it.
Just as certain that he was more scared than he’d ever been in his life.
Leaning up on his elbow, Jesse glanced around. Their clothes were scattered on the living-room floor. He felt a moment of embarrassment. She deserved to have candles and flowers and satin sheets and flutes of champagne.
She deserved everything in the world.
But he wasn’t certain he could give her anything.
Especially himself, he thought with another little sigh.
He didn’t know if he had anything to give.
To her. To the Ryans. To anyone.
Dragging a hand through his hair, Jesse was surprised to find it shaking. He’d promised himself he’d stay emotionally detached; uninvolved until he sorted out his emotions, sorted out his memories and had time to figure things out.
He glanced at Hannah again. How on earth could he sort anything out when all he could do was think about her? And how much he wanted—needed—her?
He’d kept a lid on his emotions, holding everyone at bay for so long that now that he’d let someone close he was terrified.
Not so much for himself. But for her
He reached down and with a finger gently brushed a hair away from her closed eyes. She deserved a man who was permanent, a husband who’d give her all that she wa
nted, needed and deserved. And a man who could be a father to Riley, a real father, one who could love and accept her openly with no hesitation.
A man who knew who he was.
Jesse shook his head. How could he give her or Riley any part of himself when he still didn’t know who he was?
He couldn’t he realized.
He simply couldn’t.
It wouldn’t be fair to them. They deserved better.
And he knew it.
He knew he couldn’t give anything to anyone until he found out for sure who he was. Jesse glanced around. And he knew he couldn’t do it here. Not with her. And not in Saddle Falls. There was just too much emotional carnage here for him to sort things out. He needed time and he needed distance.
He needed Texas, he realized, pressing a gentle kiss to Hannah’s forehead. What he needed was to go…home.
Chapter Ten
“You’re leaving, son?” Tommy asked, coming into the kitchen. He’d passed Jesse’s room on his way downstairs and noted that it was empty. Devoid of any trace of the lad. Jesse’s car, parked in the driveway, was loaded up with his personal belongings and looked ready to go.
Standing at the kitchen window, staring out at the Ryan land, which stretched as far as the eye could see, Jesse slowly turned and looked at his grandfather. “I think it’s time, Tommy,” he said softly. “I…I…need some time to think.” He dragged a hand through his hair. “Some time to put things in perspective and sort them out. And I’ve always thought better alone.”
“Aye,” Tommy said, trying to hide his sadness. “I understand, son. Sometimes when something is troubling us a little solitude helps us see the way.” Tommy hesitated, then stepped closer to his grandson. “You know, lad, you’re always welcome here. To stay. To live. To visit. Whatever it is you find of comfort, whatever you need, we’ll understand.”
Jesse looked at his grandfather. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, Tommy.” He hesitated. He hadn’t realized how hard this would be. He hadn’t realized that somehow when he wasn’t looking, he hadn’t remained quite as detached as he’d thought. “I…don’t reckon I know what to say, Tommy. Goodbye…well, it just doesn’t sound right.” Didn’t feel right either.
Tommy forced a smile. “Goodbye is such a permanent thing, don’t you think? I much prefer farewell and be well.” He laid a hand on his grandson’s shoulder. “It says so much more, son.”
Jesse nodded. He had an odd ache in his heart, an ache he couldn’t ever remember having before. “I’d like to say goodbye to everyone else, if you don’t mind.”
“Mind?” Tommy laughed. “I’d not have it any other way, son.” He met his grandson’s eyes, and saw his own long-gone son, Jock, in them, and tried to hide the ache in his heart. He’d waited and prayed for the return of the lad, and he’d received his fondest wish. He’d not be ungrateful and be wishing and wanting more. He knew the lad was safe, well and a fine, proud man. What more could any man want?
“Jesse, my boy. I’m proud of you, you know that, son? Your father, may he rest in peace, would have been proud as well. He loved you, lad, more than life. As do I,” Tommy added softly, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat. “Aye, son, as I do.”
“Tommy…” Jesse grabbed his grandfather in a bear hug, holding him close, reveling in the security he felt there, the love that radiated from one man to the other. Jesse’s throat felt thick, his voice too strained by the emotion he felt to say all the things he wanted to say, things that he suddenly realized were in his heart. He wasn’t accustomed to voicing his feelings or emotions and found now he simply couldn’t. “Thank you.”
Tommy drew back. He’d not weep, he told himself. He’d be grateful for what little time he’d had with the lad. It was more than he’d ever expected. “You’re welcome, lad.” He patted Jesse’s shoulder. “You’re welcome. Be well, Jesse,” Tommy said quietly, wiping away a tear. “Farewell.”
“Jared?”
“Back here.”
Jesse followed Jared’s voice around the back of the henhouse where he was working on repairing some wire fencing. The moment Jared saw Jesse, he straightened.
“What’s wrong?” Jared asked in alarm.
“Nothing.” Jesse shielded his eyes from the early-morning sun. “I’m…leaving. I just came to say goodbye.”
Jared nodded, slowly pulling off his gloves and extending his hand. “Jesse, I don’t know what to say. You know you’re always welcome to come back.” Jared cleared his throat then glanced around the land he loved. “There’s always plenty of work to do and I can always use a hand.”
“I reckon I’ll keep that in mind.” Jesse smiled. “Jared, would you say goodbye to Natalie and the kids for me?”
“Will do.” Jared cocked his head, sadness in his heart. “Think you might make your way back here again?”
Jesse grinned, fingering his Stetson. “Say, about September?”
Jared laughed. “How’d you know?”
“I don’t know anything.” He shrugged. “Natalie said something about if I thought it was a zoo around here now, wait until September.”
Jared’s face lit with love at the mention of his wife. Jesse realized it brought out a sense of envy in him, surprising him. He wondered what it would feel like to love someone like that. He’d never really thought about it before simply because he’d never thought such a thing possible for him before. “Yeah, well, seems we’re about to have a new addition around here. Natalie’s pregnant.” His face beamed with pride.
“Then you can bet I’ll be back come September, Jared. I wouldn’t want to miss the birth of my new niece or nephew.”
Jared looked at him steadily for a moment, eye to eye. “Yeah, Jesse, the children are your nieces and nephews.”
Stunned at his own words, Jesse shifted his weight. “Well, Jared, I’ve got to get going. I’ve got to drop Riley off at home before I take off.” He held out his hand. “Thanks for everything.”
Jared took his hand, then tugged Jesse close for a hug. He’d waited so long for his baby brother to come home. So many, many years. He never realized how hard it would be to let him go again. “Anytime, bro. Anytime.”
With one final glance around the land that the Ryans called home, Jesse turned and started walking back toward the house.
“Jake?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled, pushing open the front door of his own little house. It sat on Ryan land, within walking distance of the main house. “What the hell’s so important you had to wake me up at the crack of dawn for?” Jake gave a huge yawn, then rubbed his head, squinting at the bright, harsh sunlight behind Jesse.
“I’m leaving, Jake. I came to say goodbye.”
That brought Jake instantly awake. “Goodbye?” Jake frowned. “Where the hell are you going?” he growled, trying to cover his panic with anger.
“Texas,” Jesse said simply. “It’s time, Jake. I…I need some time to sort things out.”
“Does Tommy know?” Jake asked in concern, his thoughts already on his grandfather and how he would take the news.
“Yeah, I just saw him.”
“You okay?” Jake asked quietly.
Jesse shook his head. “I reckon I don’t rightly know, Jake.” He blew out a breath, shifting his weight, feeling an odd discomfort he couldn’t identify.
“Hannah know you’re leaving?” Jake didn’t believe in beating around the bush. He’d seen the way Jesse looked at Hannah and vice versa.
“Not yet.” Jesse glanced behind him. The back door was still open and sunlight was pouring into the small house. “I’ve got to drive Riley home to get ready for school. I’ll tell her then.”
“Hope you’re good at ducking,” Jake commented, stifling a yawn. “Because I have a feeling when you tell Hannah you’re leaving, she’s going to be chasing you with one of her beloved frying pans.”
Jesse couldn’t help it. He grinned. It reminded him of the very first day he’d met Hannah. When she’d all but
promised the very same thing.
Jake looked at Jesse carefully. “I’ve known her my whole life, bro, and I’ve never seen her look at a man the way she looks at you. That’s not a look a man usually walks away from, unless the feeling isn’t mutual.”
Jesse glanced away, not sure how to respond. “It’s not that,” he admitted, not really sure how he felt about anything. “It’s just…I need some time to sort things out.”
“I understand,” Jake said with a nod.
They stood there for a moment, merely taking each other’s measure. Finally, Jesse spoke. “Jake, I don’t know what to say.” He held out his hand. Jake ignored it, dragging his brother close for a hug. After a brief moment, Jake thumped him on the back, then drew back to look at him.
“Listen to me, Jesse. You’re family. And we Ryans, we stick together. You got it?” He gave his brother a poke in the chest just to be certain he got the message. “You need anything, ever, anything at all, you give a holler, you hear? I’m only a few hours away by plane. You got it? I don’t care how old or how big you are, you’re still my baby brother.”
“I got it,” Jesse said, his own emotions kicking in, clogging his throat. He’d never imagined it would be so hard to leave.
“Good.” Jake yawned. “Now get outta here so I can get some more shut-eye.” He clamped a hand on Jesse’s shoulder, wanting one last connection, one last contact. “And remember what I said.” Jake grinned. “Duck.”
Jesse found Josh next door, at his own little house that bordered the Ryan ranch. Emma was still under the weather and in bed, and he found Josh trying to stuff some putrid orange-colored baby food into little Brie’s resisting little mouth.
“Josh, morning.” Jesse tried not to grin. Josh had more baby food on his shirt than the baby probably had in her tummy. “Need a hand here?” he asked just as Brie let loose a loud, wet raspberry, spreading something orange all over Josh’s white shirt.
A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) Page 18
