"Then I have to accept it." Joshua looked past him toward the house. "Funny, I never really felt things would progress between us. It's obvious she has deep feelings for you."
"I'm sorry." John told him meaning it.
Joshua shrugged. "Don't be. I want a wife and children one day. I hope for a woman who loves me and don't want to share my wife's heart with anyone."
"I can understand," John replied and held out his hand.
The men shook hands, and Joshua walked toward his horse. "I hope to see you around McClain."
Mae entered the barn. The smell of fresh hay accompanied by the sounds of the horses welcomed her. Alan kept the area clean and organized. She'd yet to find fault with the man's work ethic. He lived in a set of rooms attached to the barn and seemed to spend every waking hour taking care of the horses, tending to the livestock or mending fences. He completed anything needing to be done quickly and efficiently without prompting and she was glad for it.
Upon spotting her mare, Mae went to the horse. The mare's head reached out toward her, and Mae ran her hand over the soft nose. "Hey girl." She reached into her pocket and pulled out an apple and held it out, which the horse gobbled up immediately.
"What can I do for you Miss Mae?" Alan was always formal and respectful, Mae noted, as the man neared.
Alan held reins in his hand and stood with an easy grace. Being outdoors had to be a natural part of him. Earlier that morning when she and John had come home was the first time she'd ever noticed him as anything but relaxed.
"I apologize for worrying you and the others."
"There is no need." Alan neared and reached towards the mare, setting upon opening the gate. He went into the stall and began to look the animal over. "I know you and McClain have something."
"He and I are not meant to be together. We are too different." She wasn't sure why she spoke the words, but something about Alan made her comfortable. Either way it didn't matter as she was leaving
"You can't help who you love."
Mae frowned. "As I said, there is no future for us Alan. I came to talk about my leaving Texas. I am returning to Virginia, without John."
His hazel eyes lifted to hers. "You are a fool then."
Her eyes widened at his words. "I have to do what I can, what is best for me."
"Life is about sacrifice Miss Mae. It's not always easy."
The mare trembled with anticipation as he led it back out of the stall towards the corral and Mae followed them. "I am making a sacrifice Alan. It's going to hurt like hell to leave Wesley here in Texas. I love that boy. It's going to be terribly difficult to leave this ranch and Elma..."
He turned so fast she stumbled back a step. "Then why are you leaving? What will it solve?"
"What about you Alan?" Mae retorted. "What are you running away from? You live here alone and keep to yourself. Who did you leave behind?"
"You think that by asking me these questions you don't have to answer mine?" He released the horse into the corral and leaned on it. "I left my wife and children after I buried them. My Anna died first and the children followed. I couldn't stay in the same house so I left. But I will give love another opportunity if it presents itself."
"I'm so sorry."
He held his hand up and smiled, the action bringing forth a dimple that caught her eye. "It's all right Miss Mae. You are hurting and when it happens, it's natural to lash out. I was out of line when I spoke."
"No Alan, you are right. I am taking the easy way out. But I'm tired." She sighed. "How can you be positive?"
"I have a feeling here." He punched his gut. "That the woman I'm to be with is not that far."
Mae nodded and smiled at him. "I like you Alan."
"I care for you too Miss Mae, and that's why I hate to see you throw your chance at happiness away."
"Mae?" Lucinda appeared from the barn a basket in her hand. "Supper is ready."
Alan's eyes softened when lighting on Miss Lady's daughter. Mae motioned Alan forward. "Would you like to join us for dinner?"
A knowing smile curved her lips when the male kept his gaze downward and nodded.
"Thank you Alan." She pressed a kiss to his jawline and hurried away, leaving Lucinda and Alan to follow.
28
Sweaty and dirty, Lucinda struggled from under the man's heavy arm. His bawdy laughter rung loudly in her ears when she crawled away from him. "She's all yours Henry," he said into the darkness.
A hand grabbed around her ankle, and she was dragged in another direction. When she swung and hit the man's face, he backhanded her so hard she almost passed out. The man scrambled on top of her and chuckled. "How about spending time with me now?"
Thunder boomed, and Lucinda bolted up to sit. Tears streamed down her face, and she pushed the blankets away hoping it would help her overheated body cool down and stop pulsing non-stop. It would begin to rain soon. God, how many times did the dream have to return? Why now? It had been almost a year since she'd dreamed of her capture after William was killed.
Her skin crawled, and she left the bed. She could not sleep, not tonight. At the window, she looked toward the bunkhouse. A soft light beckoned.
"Alan?" The voice penetrated through his sleep, and Alan opened his eyes. Someone was at the door.
He got up and went to open it.
In a long white gown, Lucinda stood in the doorway, her eyes reddened; she put a trembling hand out to him. "Let me sleep with you. You can have me, do what you wish, but I don't want to be alone tonight."
"Come in." He stood aside to let her enter and ran a hand through his hair. He wanted her. He could not deny it, but not this way. Not in payment for not being alone. "Here, come lay down." Alan followed her to his narrow bed.
When she began to untie her nightgown, he stopped her hands. "How about we wait on that?"
Lucinda nodded mutely and climbed onto the bed. When he lay down, she immediately snuggled against him and placed her head on his chest. With a deep release of breath, she looked up at him. "I couldn't sleep, never can on nights like this. Night life suits me. I can sleep during the day without a problem it seems."
"Bad dreams?"
"Bad memories," Lucinda whispered.
"Want to talk about it?"
She pushed away and went to get up, but he wrapped his arms around her and held her in place. "You don't have to Luciana, but it may help, you know, to get it all out."
Her body relaxed, but her voice quivered and it shocked him when she actually began to talk. "We fed them. They sat around the campfire and ate with us. They led William away, asking him to see about their horse. He was such a good man, always wanting to be of assistance. The two of them then beat him before one shot him. I don't know which it was. I was too shocked by what was happening. When my son ran towards them, they shot him too." She began to shake, and he ran his hand up and down her back. "After the men killed them, I prepared to be next. But they kept me alive. Spent the rest of the day there. They took turns taking me over and over."
Her entire body shook as she began to sob, and Alan's heart broke for her. "Oh God, they lay there...dead. My husband and my baby, while those animals ate our food and used me."
"How did you get away?"
"At dawn the next morning, I woke up to the sound of horses. They left, just left. Took all our food and provisions."
"I'm so sorry."
Lucinda lifted her face to him. "I've never told anyone about what the men did to me. I wish they would have killed me."
Alan kissed her forehead. "You were very brave Lucinda. Those bastards will pay for what they did, sooner or later, you can trust that. Did you return home then?"
She nodded. "I dragged both my son and husband to the wagon. Somehow I found the strength and loaded their bodies onto it and road back to Virginia. It took me a long time to get back, but I needed to give them a proper burial."
In the dark silence that followed, Alan held Lucinda who let out a quiet sniffle. "I meant it when I said y
ou can have me."
"I know you did, but it's not what I want from you Lucinda."
"What could you possible want then?" The puzzled look on her pretty face made him ache for her.
"I want to court you, get to know you better. I want to fall in love with you."
Her eyes widened, but she did not reply right away. "I think you are confused Mister Murphy." There was levity in her words, and she placed her head back on his chest. "I'm going to close my eyes for just a few minutes."
When her breathing evened out, Alan finally allowed the anger for what happened to her to be release. How could men do such terrible things to a family? It was unfathomable to him. The cruelty of what she'd been forced to endure made him want to hunt the animals down and kill them. And maybe one day the opportunity would present itself. But until then he had to hold on to the belief they'd pay for their actions.
Lucinda let out a shaky breath, and he kissed the top of her soft hair before placing his cheek to it. Alan waited for sleep to claim him as well.
29
"It's not a good idea Mae. You are not thinking clearly," Patty's grim eyes scanned Mae's face as if looking for a clue to what she thought at the moment. The Jacobs' had come to visit and Mae was glad to see her friend. It gave her the chance to talk to her about her impending departure.
"I have to." Mae remained stubbornly adamant about returning to Virginia. Even after talking to Miss Lady and the woman refusing to return with her. Mae was sure she'd end up convincing her.
"What about Wesley? Surely you won't leave the child. He sees you as his mother." Patty pressed on.
"I am not his mother. The sooner I leave, the easier for him to accept whoever John marries. He told me he planned to go to town. I'm sure it's to hire Wesley's caregiver. The woman will be living with them, things will happen. I can't stand to be around to see it. Understand me Patty."
Patty slapped her hand on the tabletop and Mae jumped. "He is not marrying anyone. The man is in love with you. If only the both of you would stop being so stubborn, you'd realize you're made for each other."
"Bah!" Mae stood and went to rinse her cup. "Would you like to go for a walk?" She looked towards the living room. "Where is Ryan?"
"He's in the barn, speaking to Alan about an unruly horse we bought. Alan is the best man to get information about breaking a horse."
"Come," Patty slipped her arm through Mae's. "Lets take advantage of this spare time. Miss Lady and Wesley are asleep."
The afternoon was brisk, a bird flew overhead and Mae watched it land in a nest and begin to feed the chicks in its nest. "It's a beautiful day. I am going to miss this. The space, the land..."
"Then don't leave," Patty finished for her. "Give it time Mae. I suggest you speak to John and ask him what his plans are, what he feels." Patty's eyes went past her. "Ah there he is now."
Mae's stomach pitched when spotting John nearing. In a worn blue shirt tucked into his pants, his wide shoulders and slim hips were emphasized. The picture of them in his bed assailed her, and Mae felt herself redden. She began to babble, her nerves taking control. "I wasn't aware he was here. I'm sure he's here to see Wesley. I shouldn't be alone with him. I can't resist his touch. I'm not strong enough."
"Well, you should remain strong against it," Patty replied lightly. "I understand the need of being with a man, but in this case, I believe it would be beneficial to wait."
"Wait?" Mae frowned. "I am never going to be with him again Patty. It's not right I understand it believe me. Plus it will only make it harder for me when I leave."
"Um hmm," Patty replied before turning to John. "Good afternoon John. I was just about to go see where Ryan's gotten off to. I'll see you both in a little while."
John's gray eyes met Patty's briefly before going to Mae. "How are you Miss Patty?"
The woman smiled at him. "I'm well." She walked away, and neither of them spoke. Mae braced herself for whatever John was about to tell her. No doubt he'd hired someone to care for Wesley and came to inform her he came to take Wesley with him. When she felt strong enough, she met his gaze.
"Why do you seem afraid of me?" John's brows drew together. "Are you angry with me?"
"N-No, of course not," Mae stuttered. "Wesley is napping now, but he should awaken shortly. Would you like to come in for coffee?"
"I came to see you." The words vibrated through her and she took a breath. "I haven't seen you in days. The last time I came to see Wesley, only Elma was about. Then it was she and Alan who brought him to see me." He reached for her and then let his hand fall. "It seems you are avoiding me."
Mae inhaled and tore her eyes away from his darkened ones. "I find it best to keep a distance between us. You have to admit, it will make it easier once I leave."
"Easier?" He asked. "For you or for me?"
"Both of course," Mae told him and took a step back. "It's not right John. But it's hard for me to resist reaching for you when near you. My feelings are too strong, I desire you, want to touch you and be touched by you."
His breathing hitched at her words. "I feel the same way. It's what I came to talk to you about."
The rising and lowering of his chest mesmerized her and Mae could only wait breath held. Did he come to ask her to be his lover?
"I am in love with you Mae. Marry me."
Her heart stopped at the words. But what shook her was the earnest expression on his face. He waited for her to respond with ill concealed trepidation, his body tight and leaning just a bit forward.
"I can't." Mae refused to meet his eyes; instead she focused past his left shoulder to where cattle grazed. "I believe you love me. But I also know you cannot get beyond my past. It will always be hard for you."
"I've come to grips with it Mae and..."
"No you have not," Mae interrupted him. "What will happen when the first man comes along who knows about me, and everyone in town becomes aware of my past? What will you do then? Will you be able to walk beside me with you head held high?"
"The loss of my leg is what made me falter more than anything Mae. The fact is I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I am sure you warrant a full, able-bodied man to be your husband. But the idea of anyone with you makes my blood boil. It made me realize I needed to take a chance."
Mae could only stare at him agog.
"Come with me." He took her elbow and steered her toward the house. "I will not accept no for an answer."
Soon they were riding away from the ranch on the front bench of the same wagon they'd rode from Virginia on. A stoic John beside her, Mae slid glances to him from the corner of her eye. "Where are we going?" The rambling road soon turned to a more open space and she took in the scenery. They did not head towards town but away from it and in the direction of where they'd come from so many months ago.
"Look." John pointed to a huge eagle flying overhead.
"He's beautiful," Mae replied as the bird swooped and gracefully lifted again toward the sky. "Where are you taking me John?"
"To a place where you'll accept my proposal."
"What?" She placed her hand on his arm and he faced her. Her eyes drank in his features before she could speak again. "I don't understand."
The sun was setting when they finally stopped at a familiar clearing. She climbed from the wagon and walked toward the cusp of trees near the shallow stream where they'd stopped and refreshed during their trek westbound. Without speaking, John joined her, and they walked side-by-side for a few minutes.
Mae inhaled deeply of the fresh pine air and closed her eyes imagining the day they'd been here. She didn't quite understand the significance of returning, for nothing memorable had happened here.
"The day we stopped here, we took a walk to this exact spot. You did your best to keep your distance from me, just like you are now. But I took your hand and pulled you closer beside me to walk." John voice remained even and calm and Mae found herself wondering what he'd say next.
He smiled as if reading her thoughts. "We didn't
speak of much. As a matter of fact, you spent most of the time looking at flowers sprouting from between the trees. Those violet ones there." He pointed at a small crop of brilliant foliage.
Mae stepped away from him and leaned to peer at the blooms. "They are so beautiful, are they not?"
"Yes," he replied, but his eyes were on her.
Mae reached for several of the blooms and picked them. She lifted them to her face and inhaled the soft perfume. "I'm sorry, but I am not sure I remember this place; it was one of many along the way."
She looked around when noticing John's rare smile. "Unlike you, I remember it vividly because a realization came to me, and I became so angry I could barely stand it. I knew we were very close to our destination, and I pledged to leave you with your father, find Wesley and after having my leg removed, head further west. The plan was never to see you again, and I could not wait to follow through."
"I don't understand. Why were you angry?"
John took her hand and lifted it to his lips. The soft kiss on her knuckles sent a shiver down her arm. "Because I'd fallen in love with you, and I was blindsided. Surprised such a thing happened to me. I'd always been in control of my emotions, until spending time with you. No matter what I did, where I went and thought about, you were forever present foremost."
"I didn't know." Mae pulled her hand away. "Now I understand why you barely said a word when you left me at my father's ranch. Why are you telling me all this now?"
"Because you need to understand how much you mean to me. Yes I admit, I tried to fight against it, convinced myself that I could move on. But it’s not true. I recognize it now." John took her hands in his and knelt before her.
"Accept me Mae. I can only offer you what I am now a man with little to offer other than my heart. I will be proud to be your husband if you allow me to be such."
Could she do it? To marry him would put not just John in danger of social disgrace, but also Wesley.
As if reading her thoughts, John reached for her other hand and looked into her eyes. "It's different here Mae. Everyone comes here to find a new life, and your past is not as important here. Say yes."
Westbound Awakening Page 18
