“No, it’s not pain I feel, but something else. I can’t explain it,” I whisper to him, unsure of what more I can explain. I feel him let out a gush of air that he was clearly holding in.
“Kasey, I think I was going to make you finish,” he explains with a satisfied smile spreading across his face. It only confuses me more. “I don’t understand,” I confusedly respond, but when he kisses me, I completely forget what I was trying to explain as our tongues slowly glide against one another. His hips start to resume their rocking. “Just let go, Kasey. It will feel good, I promise.”
I still don’t understand his meaning, but the feeling soon builds as he returns to kissing me, making me close my eyes. Within minutes my body grows tight and I just let go. I feel as if I’m exploding from inside, but just as quickly being lifted off the ground and ascending into the clouds. The sensation continues for what feels like minutes.
My eyes are still closed, but I can feel Joseph’s body grow tight over me. His thrusting becoming faster before he yells out my name as he tries to muffle it against my neck. I feel him thrust one last time against my core before his body comes to a stop above mine. I open my eyes and I’m looking into dark eyes that are staring back down at me.
We’re both breathing heavy, almost gasping for air. My heart feels like I’ve just run a marathon. He brings his lips to mine, kissing me gently. His hand wipes away my sweat filled hair that is on my forehead, pushing it back before he says, “That was amazing, Kasey. It’s never felt that way before with anybody.”
Instead of being satisfied with his words, they pierce my heart. I know I’m not his first; I’m most likely not going to be his last. The words hurt, even though he was trying to tell me how special it was. I simply force myself to swallow the lump of disappointment I feel deep down inside and turn my face away.
I’m still disappointed when he asks, “Did I say something wrong?”
The only thing I can say is, “No.” Hating the way his words make me feel.
Rolling himself off my body, he pulls me with him, draping me across his chest. Wrapping me in his arms, he tightens his hold on me and I feel comforted and safe. He buries his face into my hair, leaving my face to find a spot on his shoulder. Within minutes I feel his breathing begin to calm. By the shallow rise and fall of his chest, I know he’s fallen asleep. His earlier words keep repeating in my head, as if they are mocking me, and there is nothing I can do about them.
We eventually make love one more time. Joseph claimed he couldn't leave without saying goodbye, but when we began to kiss, it grew passionate, resulting in our lovemaking. I know I shouldn’t have given in, but since my body already had a taste of the pleasure he’d given me, I couldn’t resist taking it once more. He was as gentle as the first time and just as generous in bringing me pleasure. But deep down inside, my heart was aching the whole time.
When I finally wake up, the sun is shining through my window, gleaming into my eyes. I am alone in bed. The scent of Joseph is still on my sheets, along with the memory of our night together; a memory I will treasure forever.
Five Years Later…
“MAN, IT’S ABOUT time you were finally able to get back here to visit. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you,” my best friend Mark says to me as we walk down the aisles of the Farmers Market he’s brought me to.
“It’s only been a year since we’ve seen each other,” I remind him, but it does feel like a long time since I’ve seen him last. I guess it’s expected when you are away overseas. The days seem longer and you start to miss the people you care about the most when you’re in the desert surrounded by other Marines in the same boat.
Military life can suck sometimes, but it’s the only life I know.
“So what’s new in your life? The last couple of times we’ve talked it's been quick, so we haven’t been able to catch up. You still with that girl you hooked up with a couple of years ago in Vegas?” he skeptically asks, looking as if he really doesn’t care what the answer will be regardless.
“Her name is Elizabeth and yes, we’re still together.”
Apparently not expecting that particular answer, his eyes go wide. “Oh. Really? When you brought her along on the last visit, I was pretty sure she would’ve dumped your ass. Especially after the little tantrum she threw when you mentioned you were considering re-enlisting. I thought for sure the minute you signed the papers she would’ve been a goner,” he announces, making me remember how pissed Elizabeth was when I told her. He’s right; she almost did leave, but changed her mind when I told her there was no changing my decision.
It had been a year and a half ago, when I had gone to visit Mark, before shipping out to Afghanistan. I wanted to make sure I visited with Mark and Ashley one final time. Elizabeth wasn’t too happy with the idea of me leaving her behind, so I brought her along with me. I thought she’d be excited about meeting them, but apparently I was wrong, considering the way she acted the entire trip.
The thought causes me to grimace. “She’s gotten over it,” I answer him, lying through my teeth. “Actually, it’s a good thing you’ve brought her up. I’ve been meaning to ask you something, but I thought I should ask in person,” I say to him, watching as his face grows worried. “I finally popped the question to Elizabeth and we’re getting married. I was wondering if you’d be my best man?” I nervously ask him.
He abruptly stops walking. The shock of my question is clear on his face. His mouth hangs open while he continues to stand and stare at me. This expression isn’t a good one. It’s the one he gives when he thinks someone has lost their mind and I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s thinking of me right now.
Over the past five years I’ve known Mark, I’ve seen that look plenty of times. He’s my best friend, having met him the first day I shipped out to boot camp. We were lined up next to each other through the gruesomeness of processing, before finally being put on a bus that would lead us to the next three months of hell.
Being placed in the same platoon, stationed at the same base when we were done, and even placed doing the same job, you would have thought we were related and they were trying to keep us together. Some people have even mistaken us for actual brothers several times because we also looked alike, but being that I didn’t have any actual siblings, he was the closest thing I had to one. So I was glad to call him my best friend.
The difference between us today is Mark is no longer in the military. Not by choice, but by force when he was medically discharged from an injury two years ago. He took it happily though. By then he had found Ashley and wanted to marry her and start a family right way. I, on the other hand, had re-enlisted when my four years were up, giving me a ticket straight overseas. I still kept in touch when I was able to, which was harder now than I would want it to be.
Looking back at Mark, waiting for his answer, he asks, “Are you sure she’s the one dude? Like the one you can’t live without?” His questions make me doubt my own decision to get married.
Pondering his questions, I silently answer to myself, no she isn’t the one I couldn’t live without. That girl I left behind long ago and I’ve haven’t seen her since, but by the time I realized it, it was too late to do anything about it. She was gone.
Shrugging my shoulders at him, I reply, “I don’t know what difference it makes. We’ve been together for a while and I actually love her.” Although I say the words, right now I’m not feeling as if I do. I blame him for making me doubt myself. It has to be the reason why I feel this way.
“Plus, I think it’s time I grow up and settle down. I see you and Ashley and I want that. Since Elizabeth has been riding my ass about our relationship, I figured I’d pop the question,” I answer around the lump that's somehow formed in my throat.
That was one of the issues with Elizabeth. In this last year I’ve been gone, every time we spoke, she wouldn’t hesitate to ask if there would ever be a serious future for us. With every phone call or video chat, she made me realize it was
time I grew up and settled down, so I made the decision and I asked her to marry me when I finally got back.
With a curt nod, Mark begins to walking, leaving me to follow. “I don’t know, man. Don’t you think you’re rushing into this?” he skeptically asks. “When you first met her, it was rocky from the beginning. I don’t understand how you’d want to marry someone who you spend most of your time arguing with? Plus, you haven’t been together that long,” he argues, speaking his case.
If his intention was to make me feel like shit about the whole situation, he accomplished it, but I can’t blame him for having his hesitations about Elizabeth. She didn’t really make such a good impression the last time he’d seen her.
Chuckling at his honesty, while shaking my head, I respond, “We’ve been together for almost two years now. I think having a long distance relationship with her is the reason why it’s so rocky. It was hard on her to only see me through a video screen. Since she’s still going to school in Vegas, she couldn’t move in with me when I got back. Can you blame the girl for wanting to get a college degree?” I feel the need to defend her.
He purses his lips and stays silent, giving me the opportunity to continue.
“I think once she’s graduated and we can move in together, things will be better. She isn’t all that bad once you really get to know her. You’ll see.”
Mark considers my response, shrugging his shoulder as he keeps walking. “Alright man, whatever makes you happy. I’m here for you no matter what,” he utters.
Giving him a stern nod, we continue walking though the small crowd that is slowly starting to dispense. Mark picked me up only a couple of hours ago from the airport. I got back almost a week ago, being forced to take almost a month of leave, I already knew I wanted to come visit with Mark in Wisconsin. It’s where he now lived with his wife. So here I am.
“Why are we here again?” I ask Mark, looking around confused why we’d even be in a Farmers Market of all places. It seems kind of out of place for Mark.
“Ever since Ashley found out she was pregnant she been trying to eat healthier for the baby. She prefers organic shit right now and since the market is close to the house, she makes me come here. Happy wife, happy life,” he says giving me a mischievous smile. “You better remember that since you plan on taking the plunge,” he says in more of a mumbling rant than a statement.
Skeptically raising my eyebrow, I keep walking a couple of steps as Mark goes over to a booth with vegetables lining the tables. As he starts looking through what look like squash, my eyes wander to a booth that is selling handmade jewelry. Deciding I should pick something out for Elizabeth, I head in that direction.
I start walking over to the booth, but I’m soon hit by something in the legs. When I look down, I see a little girl looking at me with a frightened face, as if she’s worried she’s done something wrong. She’s staring up at me with the brightest blue eyes a little girl can have. She’s small, only coming to below my waist, with a set of loose curls that flow down her back.
“Whoa there, little girl,” I say to her as I continue to stare into her wide blue eyes, causing me to think about a set of blue eyes that still haunt me to this day; the memory of a girl I still miss. I see the little girl's eyes avert to something on the ground, drawing my eyes down too. I bend down into a crouch to pick up what she’s dropped for her. It’s a small bottle filled with juice and when I take a closer look, it makes me smile.
“Cherry apple cider. Sounds like an interesting flavor. Is it any good?” I curiously ask her as I tilt my head, waiting for a response.
“My mommy always tells me I shouldn’t speak to strangers,” she declares, lifting her chin and squaring her shoulders, trying to make herself look bigger.
I simply chuckle, handing the small bottle to her. Her little hands reach out to take it from me, grasping it against her chest. “Thank you,” she says, clutching the bottle tightly.
“Well, your mommy is right, you shouldn’t speak to strangers,” I tell her with a smile to try to calm her.
I’m still crouched down. I don’t want to frighten her any further, so I stay down to be able to look her directly in the eyes. The shock must have already worn off because she smiles back; the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen.
Knowing I really shouldn’t be encouraging her any further to speak to strangers, I still have to ask, “Where is your mommy?” I do it more for reassurance she isn’t wandering around alone.
She looks past me and I take a quick glance over my shoulder at her line of view, seeing several people visiting the booths lined along the walkway.
I turn my head back towards her when she answers.
“She’s at her booth. She let me go get my drink, but I’m supposed to go straight there and back, not stopping to talk to strangers. I already know I’ve disobeyed her by speaking with you,” she says as her lips go into a flat line and her shoulders slump forward.
As I’m about to stand up, I hear someone shout behind me, “Josephina, didn’t I tell you not to speak to strangers,” the voice coming out in a scorn, my mind instantly recognizing it. It’s the same voice I grew up listening to; the one I miss so much. It’s the voice that belongs to the memories that haunt me in my dreams almost every night when I fall asleep, keeping me from wanting to wake up. Sleep is the only way I can hold onto those memories.
I want to see with my own eyes if it’s really her, so I force myself to stand, turning my body to look in the direction of the woman’s voice. When I see her, it only confirms what I believed as she walks in my direction. It’s Kasey. The same Kasey I left behind so many years ago, a regret I still have to this day.
She doesn’t notice me immediately, going directly to the little girl standing in front of me. When she does, her body freezes in place. She grows rigid, her eyes going wide in shock when she sees my face.
It matches how I feel as we stand there staring at each other. Fully taking her in, I notice not much has changed, but she does look more mature.
I feel as though my heart has dropped into the pit of my stomach as I say, “Hello, Kasey,” my eyes narrowing down at her.
I should feel excited to see her, but for some odd reason it’s the opposite. I feel confused and full of questions. She quickly tugs the little girl to her side, protectively wrapping her arm around her. I can see the little girl wince from the action. It looks as if Kasey is trying to guard her from me as I look down at both of them.
“Mommy, you know this man?” the little girl enthusiastically asks, looking up to Kasey, waiting for an answer. It makes me look at her as well, as I wait for her response. In the corner of my eye I can see the little girl looking back and forth between the two of us, confused and curious at the same time.
“Joseph, what are you doing here?” she asks, sounding fearful; her voice breaking with every word, as she keeps her eyes still locked onto mine.
The little girl suddenly grows excited. “Your name is Joseph? That sounds like my name. My name is Josephina. Doesn’t his name sound like mine, mommy?” Her eyes are wide with excitement as she looks back up to Kasey, waiting for a response.
Taking in the declaration, it occurs to me that we do have similar names. Thinking it’s only a coincidence, I look down at her, fully taking the little girl in. Of course she’s small, but finally analyzing her, I realize she must be at least four or five years old.
“Yes, sweetheart, it sounds like your name,” she calmly states through clenched teeth. The animosity is clear in her eyes as they glare back at me; her body still rigid.
Kasey breaks our eye contact, lowering her body so she’s looking directly into Josephina’s now. “Go back to the booth and wait there with Alley. I’ll be there in a moment.”
I hear a grumble come from the little girl, but when Kasey stands up she nudges her in the direction of the booths behind us, not giving her a choice to stay. The little girl takes a couple of steps before turning around to look back at us. “Since technically you knew t
his man mommy, he wasn’t a stranger, so I’m not in trouble right?” she tries clarifying to her mother, but Kasey disagrees. “He was still considered a stranger being you don’t know him. Now go wait with Alley like I ordered and we’ll discuss your punishment when we get home,” Kasey announces, pointing her finger in the direction of the booths.
The little girl’s face quickly grows disappointed before saying, “I know what that means. I’ll be in timeout when I get home for sure,” she grumbles as she turns and walks in the direction that Kasey pointed her to.
I hear Mark laughing behind me. “She’s a smart little girl,” he says, surprising me.
Kasey glares at him, her silent reprimand of his comment scaring even myself. Mark clears his throat, looking off into another direction, giving me a chance to take a couple steps closer to Kasey. She tries to step away, but I gently grab onto her arm to keep her from moving. I see her suck in her breath and I can practically see her pupils dilating from fear. Why?
Thinking she’s afraid of me, I try to reassure her. “Kasey, please. You know I would never hurt you,” I tell her, feeling her body quickly relax. Not completely though, but enough to let me know that she still trusts me.
“I’m surprised to see you again, Joseph, that’s all,” she answers, trying to sound calm, but her voice is portraying her deception, and by the way her eyes keep averting towards the direction of where she sent the little girl, I know something is wrong.
“I won’t lie. I’m surprised to see you as well. I never thought I would see you again,” I tell her, tilting my head down at her blue eyes, losing myself in them.
Her face grows saddened. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again either,” she says, her voice matching the sorrow in her face. Her expression is telling me she feels torn and broken over her words. Making me wonder… Why is she reacting this way?
Remembering the reason why I didn’t want her to run, I ask, “Is there something you need to tell me, Kasey?” My eyes narrow down at her, demanding an answer.
With Me Page 2
