by Amity Hope
“So I don’t need to think about anything.” She hesitated before asking, “Do you?”
He slowly nodded.
She felt her shoulders droop. She wanted to ask where he was going. She wanted to ask him if he had his phone. If he would check in. What time would he be home? She wrestled down all of those questions and decided to ask the only one that really mattered.
“Gabe,” she began as she blinked hard. Her voice was tight, choked by tears and the terror she felt but didn’t want to show. “Are you coming back?”
He sighed and gave her a sympathetic look. As he stepped closer, he rubbed his hands up and down her arms, trying to comfort her. “Yes. I’m coming back.” She blew out a breath of relief and he leaned forward, kissing her forehead.
Ava was sure the kiss didn’t mean anything. It was simply an effort to try to placate her so she tried to force a smile but she wasn’t convinced. “If you decide you’re, um, not coming back, could you at least call to let me know? So I don’t worry?” Her voice cracked and a tear trickled down.
Gabe brushed it away with his thumb. He slid his hand under her chin, tilting her face so she’d look up at him. “I’ll come back. I promise.”
He leaned forward, his lips brushing against hers. She expected it to end there but the kiss continued. He pulled her in close and she clung to him, her body, her memory, absorbing the moment as if she might not ever have the chance to kiss him again.
Now that he’d put on some weight he felt like Gabe again. His scent was the same as it had always been. He was kissing her like he used to. Like he was starving for her and he couldn’t kiss her long enough, hard enough or deep enough.
Her knees had turned weak, like warm taffy and when he finally pulled back and moved away, it was hard to keep standing on her own accord. He dropped another quick kiss on her forehead and then turned away, heading to his motorcycle.
Ava watched him leave, wondering why the kiss felt suspiciously like a ‘goodbye’.
When she went in the house, she opened the freezer to get some ice for her glass of water. Her throat felt hot and dry from the tears she was stuffing down. Inside the freezer, she found a carton of Butter Brickle ice-cream. It was her favorite from the little specialty shop in Granville. It was something Gabe had gotten her once before. He must’ve gotten it today, on his little joyride.
It wasn’t much but…
Was it coincidence? An accident? Or did it mean something? That he remembered even a little glimmer of his past? Something a little more important than two plus two would equal four?
If she asked him, would he even know the answer as to why? Why Butter Brickle? Why that particular little shop in the first place? But it wasn’t as if she could ask because even though he had said he was coming back…he hadn’t said when.
And she’d been too afraid to ask.
Chapter 12
Being on a motorcycle and just driving brought Gabe such a sense of freedom. He let himself enjoy the ride, not bothering to think about much of anything. It was a welcomed change. It wasn’t Ava’s fault he’d started to feel so claustrophobic. It was the situation that had him feeling that way. And while neither of them had much control over it, he had started to worry that if things didn’t change soon, they would both end up miserable when in each other’s presence.
He had started to convince himself that she didn’t care for him the way she claimed she did. He didn’t think she was lying but he did think she was confused. That she probably had loved him once, but now, she felt only a sense of misplaced obligation toward him. Even after she proclaimed she still loved him he thought maybe she had only said it because she loved the idea of him. Of them. The way they used to be.
But then he’d kissed her, quite by accident, and now he wasn’t so sure.
His feelings toward her were beyond confusing. He had a hard time thinking clearly when he was around her. Sleeping next to her was torture. The damn pillow did no good as a barrier. More often than not he’d wake to find her arm reaching over it, her hand splayed out on his chest or stomach, her leg still finding a way to tangle with his.
They spent an awful lot of time in the lake, either swimming or just floating on rafts as they passed their day away. This meant that Ava spent an awful lot of time in that damned barely-there bikini. This resulted in him spending a lot more time in the chilly water, up to his neck, than out of it.
There was no doubt that he felt something for her. Lust, for sure. But he knew she wanted more than that. She certainly deserved more than that. However, the line between the two was a little too blurred in his opinion. It was part of why he needed to get away. He thought he felt something stronger for her but when her body was so close to his, it was hard to differentiate.
But there was more, something else he needed to think about.
He spent hours driving mindlessly, just enjoying the solitude of nothingness in his mind. He’d only stopped once, at a small diner, to eat some dinner. He’d ordered himself a malt to go with his meal and he was inexplicably certain that if Ava were there, she would rave over them. He tried to recall what would make him think that. He was certain that she’d never mentioned an ice-cream obsession. He pondered this as he ate. The same inexplicable feeling had hit him earlier in the day. It had caused him to buy her a container of Butter Brickle ice-cream. Of course, now he realized, he had no idea if it was something she even wanted or if it was just some stray thought that had crept into his mind.
After he ate, he set off again. He hadn’t really had a concrete thought about where he was headed this time but he wasn’t surprised when he found himself at the church. It felt calming to him now, as it had the day he’d been there with Ava. He hadn’t wanted to leave that day but she hadn’t wanted to stay. Since he hadn’t wanted to upset her any more than he already had, he hadn’t argued.
It was already getting dark as he parked out front. He let himself in through the rickety doors. He knew instinctively that the fact he could see quite clearly in the gloom set him apart.
He made his way to the far wall of the church and then slid down it. He pulled his knees up as he rested his head against the wall. For the first time in a long while, he felt relaxed. His mind felt a little clearer but there were things that still gnawed away at him.
He was keeping something from Ava.
After everything she’d done for him, he felt guilty about lying to her. He was perfectly aware that he should feel guilty about lying to her. She trusted him and he couldn’t help but wonder if that trust had always been so misplaced.
Probably, he decided.
She was always cautious when telling him about his past. But he could easily read between the lines. Decipher her carefully spoken words. Translate her silence into a message that was loud and clear.
Gabriel Castille was capable of indescribably malicious deeds. He was vain, arrogant, condescending and conceited. He was capable of being cruel, heartless and ruthless. He was a liar. He hurt people and he couldn’t let his mind wrap around the extent of that possibility. He manipulated. He schemed. He was sure he cheated stole. And probably much, much worse.
Hell, he couldn’t even comprehend to what degree his dreadfulness had extended to.
What he did know was that he’d done things so terrible that he hadn’t even admitted them to Ava. Ava. Who seemed so forgiving. How bad had his past actions been that he hadn’t even dared admit them to her? They had to have been bad. Possibly horrific.
Those were the things he knew about Gabe Castille.
Ava tried to convince him that he’d changed.
But he was still a liar. Worse yet, he knew he hurt her every time he lied to her but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Didn’t that, on some level, mean he was hurting her on purpose?
He knew that more than anything, Ava wanted him to remember. She wanted him to remember her. He had told her he didn’t think it was possible.
That was a lie. Or at the very least, an omission.
> At first it hadn’t been.
But the truth?
Things were changing and he’d neglected to mention those changes. He was pretty sure the memories were there, buried deep inside. Sometimes when he tried to access them, they would howl like terrifying echoes in his mind. They choked him with a suffocating malice. They sent jagged chills down his spine. They made his skin sizzle before turning it frosty. They made his heart hammer and his head feel heavy, ready to implode.
What had he realized?
In order to get to the memories of her, he’d have to deal with the memories of himself.
This is what he had been hiding from her: The Ugly Truth.
He was still an egocentric bastard because he wasn’t willing to do that for her. Ava clearly wanted, more than anything, for him to remember his past. And after every single kind, caring, sweet, selfless thing she had done for him, he wouldn’t try to do that for her.
He knew absolutely, with mind-blowing certainty that he did not want to.
But that wasn’t all. It got worse.
He was fairly sure that if he tried, if he applied just enough pressure, he could blow the top right off the mental box that those memories were stored in. He could remember everything. It was for his own selfish reasons that he refused to try.
He let out an agonized groan. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, soaking up the silence. He’d let his jumbled thoughts tumble out, one by one, from his messed up head. He knew that he should probably get going, but he couldn’t force himself to leave. Not just yet.
The church had called to him today, as it had been calling to him all week. When he’d been there with Ava, her panic had been evident but he didn’t feel the same way. The church, this church, was calming. It felt like a balm to his soul.
He also found solace in the items he’d diligently been toting around with him. In addition to the photo in his wallet, he had his phone with her number and the key to her cabin. Sometimes, especially those first few days, he clung to them, as if they had the power to anchor him in place.
And the other pocket?
He pulled out the switchblade. She’d been terrified at the sight of it but him? He felt attached to it in a way he could not describe.
She’d told him that the cross she always wore had belonged to her grandparents. It was a keepsake that held extreme sentimental value and she rarely took it off. She felt attached to it. He had tried to explain to her that he felt the same way about the blade but she’d looked at him in horror.
In her eyes, it was the blade that had taken his life.
In his eyes, it was the instrument that had freed him of the horrors of his past. It had freed him from his father. From his brother. From his past actions.
The church posed a similar dilemma.
To Ava, it held gruesome, terrifying memories.
To him, it was the place where his mental slate had been scrubbed clean.
One thing she had let slip was that near the end, he’d told her he didn’t think they belonged together. She alluded to the fact that Gabe—the old Gabe—had not felt worthy of her. And while she’d scoffed at the idea, had flat out denied that it was true, now he couldn’t help but think that he—the he that he didn't even remember—had been right.
He still felt that way. He didn’t deserve her.
She deserved someone who didn’t lie to her.
She deserved someone who was worthy of her.
Earlier in the day, when that guy had shown up at her work, it startled him to see how alike they appeared. The familiarity that they shared was like a mental kick to the gut. He didn’t know who the guy was but he couldn’t deny to himself that whoever he was, he was a better match for Ava than he would ever be.
Even though he didn’t remember her, not really, lately he was starting to feel things. Not memories exactly but more like impressions, echoes of memories. What he’d begun to feel for her now, while in a way it felt new, it also felt magnified by those echoes of the past. A past where he knew with clarity that he’d loved her. He could see how he could so easily, in the future, love her that completely again.
But the question was, did he deserve her?
Never mind the dilemma with his memory; he couldn’t even seem to put her first when it came to simple things. If he did, he would’ve gotten her a helmet today. Hell, common sense should’ve told him to get her a helmet, too. If the situation had been reversed, Ava would not have forgotten about him. He was sure of it. The helmet was just another example of the differences between them. She was thoughtful and caring and he was…well…him.
He hurt her every time he disappointed her by not remembering something. He could see it in her eyes.
The day that they had played pool, he had been so sure that her feelings for him had changed. He’d convinced himself that she was only with him because she pitied him. Or she felt she owed him. Or, more likely, a combination of the two.
Now, as he sat here, he couldn’t forget the look on her face when he was getting ready to leave tonight. He had thought that maybe, he would give her an easy out. It surprised him when she didn’t want to take it.
He hadn’t planned on kissing her. It had taken him by surprise as much as it had her. The way she had melted in his arms had surprised him even more.
So maybe she still felt the same for him, after all, even though she shouldn’t. Every bit of common sense that he did have left was telling him that it was wrong for her to feel the way she did about him.
He let out a low growl as his hands clenched into tight fists.
When you loved someone, didn’t that mean that you wanted what was best for them?
Obviously, what was best for her was someone who was not a liar like him.
She should be with someone who was not selfish, as he was proving over and over to be.
Ava deserved someone who was honest, someone who would love her as much as she loved them. She deserved to be with someone that would make her happy.
He released his breath in a gust.
He finally saw, with complete clarity, what path he needed to take.
***
Ava felt hollow when Gabe left. Her body, her soul, her mind ached for him. It was clear, one way or another, things were about to change in a big way. She’d tried to relax. First, she took a raft and floated on the lake for a while. The gentle waves did little to sooth her. Next, she tried taking a bubble bath. Within minutes, her nervous energy was consuming her. She’d decided to go for a run. She ran until her body ached with exertion instead of despair. Then, and only then, did she return home.
Of course, Gabe still wasn’t back.
It was nearly four AM when he returned. Ava hadn’t slept at all, though she’d tried. She knew that time would pass faster if she were sleeping but her brain refused to cooperate. Instead, it had made her relive the past few weeks.
She regretted how clingy she’d been.
In an effort to keep him close, she’d smothered him so much that he needed to get away.
The fact that he’d even come back tonight had surprised her.
Her mind continuously curled itself around the memory of his kiss. She had been waiting weeks for a kiss like that. She just never envisioned it resulting in his walking away from her.
She heard him scuffling about the front of the house, the sounds of him getting ready for bed. But he never came into the bedroom and her heart cracked just a little more because she realized that maybe the only reason he’d come back was simply because he had nowhere else to go.
Chapter 13
Ava had finally fallen asleep sometime after she’d determined Gabe was home and settled in. She’d slept longer than she’d meant to, surprised when her alarm went off. She’d set it, not really thinking she’d need it because she usually didn’t. But her exhaustion had caught up to her.
She quickly dressed, ran a comb through her hair, flipped it into a ponytail and tiptoed out of her bedroom. She hurriedly used the bathro
om, scrubbed her face and brushed her teeth before tip-toeing past Gabe who was sleeping on the couch. His feet hung uncomfortably over the end. He had one arm flung over his eyes. In his other hand, Ava saw a scrap of white.
Even though she knew she probably shouldn’t let it, curiosity got the best of her. She carefully maneuvered the scrap out of his fingers. To her surprise, it was the picture of them together. The same one that had been tucked inside of his wallet. Why he was sleeping holding on to it, she had no idea. She carefully replaced it, scribbled a quick note to leave on the kitchen table and miserably headed off to work.
The day was a paradoxical blend of too fast and two slow. She wanted it to hurry by so she could see Gabe. Yet, she didn’t want her work day to end because she didn’t want to have to face him. Or worse yet, she was afraid she’d go home to find him gone.
She did not miss the irony in the fact that the first time she had left him home alone was the one time she feared he’d leave of his own accord.
For good.
The fact that he’d slept on the couch paired with the fact that her mind was exhausted and fuzzy were making her an emotional wreck.
When her shift finally ended she drove home, her head and thoughts feeling blurry. When she walked into the cabin, she knew it was empty before she’d even called his name. Her shoulders hunched in defeat. Her heart toppled in her chest. She blinked hard to clear away the tears that seemed to have become a constant threat lately.
She almost missed the note on the kitchen table, largely because she assumed it was the note she’d left that morning. She had it in her hands, ready to toss it when she realized there was writing on both sides. Gabe had flipped her note over to write a note of his own.
It was a note requesting Ava to meet him at six o’clock. He stated that he would really like to talk. She glanced up, she had half an hour. He’d scribbled down an address in Granville. Because of the drive, she only had a few minutes to get ready.
She immediately went into the bathroom to put on a layer of make-up in the hope that it would mask the dark crescents under her eyes. She brushed out her hair and changed into the lime green dress Julia had picked out. Satisfied that it accentuated her tan and perhaps drew attention away from her weary face, she hustled out the door.
