by Amity Hope
She sat at the end of her dock, her feet dangling in the water and a light breeze playing with her hair. The sun was beginning to set. The gentle waves sparkled as though the entire lake had been sprinkled with millions of glittery diamonds.
When she heard Gabe’s motorcycle approach she felt a sudden chill despite the warm, sticky air. She watched over her shoulder as he parked behind the garden shed again, took off his helmet, hung it from the handlebars and tentatively began walking toward her.
He looked heart-stopping as always in his faded jeans, new motorcycle boots and a simple black t-shirt. His usually perfect hair was slightly matted from the helmet, making Ava smile.
“Can I join you?” he asked.
She nodded as she scooted over.
He undid his laces, pulled off his boots, peeled of his socks and set them to the side. He then rolled up his jeans and sat next to her with his feet dangling in the water next to hers.
“Where have you been? Can I ask that? Or is that being too nosy?” she wondered.
“You can ask. I came back here but you weren’t here. It didn’t feel right to be here without you,” he shrugged. “So I just went for a ride.”
“I tried calling you.”
“I didn’t hear it ring.” He motioned half-heartedly to the motorcycle.
“Are you angry with me?” he finally blurted out.
“No, not at all,” Ava assured him. “If anyone should be mad, it should be you. I was acting childish.”
Gabe let out a breath as he looked out at the water. “You weren’t. Things aren’t exactly going the best with us. We need to talk. We should’ve done that first. That was my mistake. But like I said, I don’t think you’re going to like some of the things I have to say.”
Ava watched his profile as he spoke. She waited patiently for him to continue. If he was sure she wasn’t going to like it, she wasn’t in a hurry to hear it.
“Here’s the thing,” he finally said. “I’ve kind of been keeping something from you.” He glanced at her. She was biting her bottom lip, a gesture he’d come to realize meant she was nervous or upset. She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. “Part of me feels like I should be infuriated that I don’t know who I am but another part of me…” he paused, seemed to fortify his resolve and turned to face Ava. “I don’t want to know. I don’t want to remember.”
He was quiet, waiting for her reaction.
“Why?” she finally asked.
He chewed on his cheek. Finally he said, “Because if I do remember? I’m damn sure that I’m not going to like more than ninety-nine percent of it.”
Ava nodded slowly. Honestly, his statement hadn’t really surprised her. “But you haven’t actually remembered anything?”
“That’s just it. I haven’t actually remembered. I’ve been honest with you about that. What I haven’t told you is that sometimes, I think I probably could. If I tried hard enough.”
Ava listened to the water lapping against the shore. She took a moment to take in the sight of Gabe with the calm breeze ruffling his hair before she spoke again. “But you don’t want to try?”
He watched her reaction as he slowly shook his head. Knowing he needed to give her a better explanation, he tried to do just that. “Ava, the feelings I get when I feel like I’m getting close to remembering something, they’re indescribable. I think there’s a reason I don’t remember. What exactly was it that Grier told you?”
She knew what he was talking about. It was days after he had disappeared. Grier had popped back into her life just briefly.
She let her mind wander back to that day.
“I believe if given the chance, he would have told you. Eventually. But time was of the utmost importance and he could not cloud your judgment with the truth. He feared it would jeopardize your future if he fully revealed his past.” Grier sounded oddly as though she were defending someone she not long ago had so vehemently loathed.
“So he was evil? As evil as you insisted he was? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” Ava’s voice quivered. Her head and her heart fought against the words. The Gabe she had known was good. He was.
“He was evil. But he chose to change. He was given the chance to redeem himself. He embraced that chance. He was redeemed. He was forgiven.”
“So he’s in Heaven?” Ava asked.
Grier turned her head, staring now out of the window instead of concentrating that disconcerting gaze on Ava. “He is not.”
“If he’s not in Hell and not in Heaven…” Ava tried to squelch the hope in her voice but failed. “Is he here?”
Grier answered with a curt shake of her head.
“Is he dead? I mean, really dead?”
Grier gave her a curious look. “You must know that no one truly dies. Their soul goes on. He was offered forgiveness but he could not forgive himself. Not only for what he almost did to you but for his past transgressions. With honor sometimes comes insufferable remorse. He chose repentance.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand. What does that mean?”
Grier’s words were laced in sadness. “He chose The Great Abyss.”
He looked horrified at her recollection. “What did I do? What kind of person was I?”
“I don’t know what you did, exactly,” she admitted. “I don’t think I was meant to know.”
“You see?” he asked, his voice taking on a rough edge. “This is why I don’t want to know about my past. I don’t want to remember it. I don’t want to relive it.”
“So don’t then,” Ava said soothingly. “Don’t try to remember if you don’t want to.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I think there’s a reason I don’t remember. And as much as I want to remember you, and Ava,” he said softly, “I do want to remember you. But only you. The problem is, I don’t think I can get to those memories without busting open all of the others.”
“So this is why you had to leave last night?”
“I just needed to think things through. I didn’t mean to stay out so late.”
“So that’s it? That’s what you wanted to tell me?” she held on to a sigh of relief, not quite ready to release it. “If that’s all it was, why did you sleep on the couch?”
He looked surprised. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“Did you really think I was sleeping?”
“I’m sorry. I thought I was doing you a favor. Honest, Ava.” He watched her, soaking in her reaction. “So you’re okay with me trying not to remember?”
She nodded. “Yeah. There are parts of the past month I wish I could forget so I guess I understand why you wouldn’t want to remember. I caught glimpses of what your life was like. I saw some of the things Azael and Rafe did to you and words can’t even describe how awful it was. And I know you felt overwhelming guilt about things you had done. But Gabe? You’re not that person anymore. The one that did those things. I’m not sure you ever were that person. Not really. Not inside. I think you did them because your father had control over you. Not because you wanted to.”
“It doesn’t matter why, Ava. I did them. I don’t remember them and even without remembering them, I know I regret them,” he stubbornly said.
“Good,” Ava replied, “I’m glad. That just shows that you’re a better person than you give yourself credit for. And yes, part of me wishes you remembered but you’re right. There must be a reason that you don’t.” She was quiet for a minute before forging ahead with the real question that had been bothering her. “So where does that leave us? If that’s all you were worried about, are we good?” What she truly wanted to ask was how he felt about her now. But she couldn’t force those words out.
He raked his hand through his hair. “That was a big part of what I wanted to talk to you about. But it’s not everything. Ava, I don’t even know what I am!”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me what you are. I know who you are. That’s all that’s important.”
“We don’t
know that—”
“I do know that.”
“You can do so much better than me. I know it, and you probably know it too, even if you’re too stubborn to admit it,” Gabe cautiously told her. “When I saw you yesterday with that guy—”
“Dawson.”
“Yeah, whatever, the two of you looked like you belonged together.”
Ava frowned. This was starting to sound reminiscent of a conversation they’d had one other time. When Gabe told her they could never be together because they were too different.
“I did a lot of thinking last night.” He let out a half-laugh that held no humor. “Well you probably figured that out since I got home so late. But the one thing I realized was that even if you’re okay with me not remembering, I’m still not the kind of guy you should be with. Apparently I knew it before and I definitely know it now. You deserve better than me.”
Ava groaned as she tried to emotionally brace herself not only for his declaration but for the battle of words she knew would follow. If that’s where he was going with this, she wasn’t going to just accept it. She’d lost him once because she was in a position that made her too weak to do anything. She’d regretted it every day since. There was no way, absolutely no way, she was going to give up on him without fighting for him now.
She slit her eyes at him. Her voice became challenging. “Is this the part where you tell me you’re going to leave me because it’s for my own good? Or that I belong with someone nice, safe and boring like Dawson?”
Gabe’s face crumpled into a look of indignation. “What? No. Hell no! This is the part where I tell you that I’m a selfish bastard and I want you with me whether you belong with me or not. This is the part where I say I realize you can, and probably should, do better than me but I want the chance to change that. I thought long and hard about this last night. It’s not fair to you that I wasn’t completely up front about my memory and how I felt about it. I’m sorry I was keeping things from you but that’s why I needed some time to clear my head. I can’t think when I’m around you. But from now on, I know I need to be completely honest. I want the chance to turn myself into the kind of person that you should be with. I want to be the complete opposite of who I was. I know I’m never going to be perfect. I know I’m never going to be even close to perfect. I mean, I’m never going to save orphans or end world hunger or anything amazing like that. But I want the chance to at least be better. To do better. And you? You make me a better person. I know you did before, even if I don’t remember it. And you do now. Because now? All I want to do is be the kind of guy that you need.”
She slowly nodded, taking in everything he’d just said.
He stopped to watch her reaction. It seemed painfully neutral. “I was hoping this would be the part where I get to kiss you.”
“Not yet,” Ava firmly replied. “Why do you never want me to touch you?”
He sighed. “Lately, that seemed to be your decision. Like this unspoken rule you put in place but at first, I was worried it would feel like I was touching someone else’s girlfriend.” Ava fought the urge to smirk. She was sure that most of his life, Gabe Castille would not have thought twice about touching, kissing, or doing anything else with someone else’s girlfriend if the urge struck him to do so. “But when I kissed you last night, and when you kissed me back like you did,” he shrugged unapologetically, “I knew you were mine. And I wanted you to be.”
“You still left.” It wasn’t an accusation but a simple statement. “And that kiss felt an awful lot like a goodbye kiss.”
“I still had things to figure out. When I’m around you, you’re all I can think about. I feel like I’m always hurting you, making you cry, making you feel disappointed in me,” he looked speculative. “If anything, maybe I was hoping it would be a goodbye to the stress of the last few weeks.”
“I’ve never been disappointed in you,” Ava was quick to assure him. “It’s more that I’ve been worried about what it will mean for us if you don’t remember. I lost you once and it was awful and I can’t help it. I’m worried about losing you again. Maybe not in such a dramatic way this time. This time I’m worried I don’t mean anything to you and you’ll just walk out the door.”
“That’ll never happen,” he assured her. “You mean a lot to me. Even if I can’t remember, sometimes I get impressions of things. Not memories but more like…I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe an echo of a memory? I knew almost from the start that you were a person I could trust but more than that…I felt something for you, you feel familiar. Does that make sense?”
Ava laughed softly. “About as much as any of this had made sense so far, yeah.” She swallowed down her fear and finally asked, “So you don’t feel the same about me that you used to? I mean, I guess you wouldn’t even know for sure how you used to feel…”
“I have a pretty good idea,” he told her. “You know, there is a positive side to all of this.”
“What would that be?”
“I get to fall in love with you all over again,” he teased.
“Try to be quick about it, would you? Ava teased back.
“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. I’m pretty sure I’m already more than halfway there,” he admitted.
Ava did not mention that she could think of another upside as well. If Gabe had no memory of any of the other girls that had floated through his life, she was quite okay with that. There were many, she knew. It had come up once, that last night, when she’d led him into her bedroom. She had immediately wished she had not asked when she’d seen the look of worry and regret that had crossed his face. She’d withdrawn the question before giving him a chance to give an answer she was nowhere near ready to hear.
“Now can I kiss you?” he wondered.
“Now you can kiss me,” she happily agreed.
He pulled her onto his lap so she was facing him, her legs wrapped around his waist while his feet dangled in the cool water. He didn’t immediately kiss her. He took a moment to study her face, to try to remember every little detail that he’d forgotten. His hands floated over her body as he rediscovered the feel of her. His hands explored her curves, the smoothness of her skin. He pulled her into him in a crushing hug, simply wanting to feel her next to him as his lips skimmed across her neck.
“You know what?” Ava whispered as she leaned back and took in the sight of him, too. His eyes were so extraordinary, an unearthly shade of blue, with silver flecks that were only visible when she was this close to him. She’d missed those eyes, their warmth and their depth. “Our first kiss was right here. On the end of this dock. Only it was nighttime, the stars were out. It was a beautiful evening. The perfect setting. We’d been riding your motorcycle all day.”
He sighed but it was more of a contented sigh than one of disappointment. “That’s something I wish I could remember.”
Ava smiled playfully. “You might not remember it but I bet we could recreate it.”
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Mhhhmm,” she said as she tilted her lips to his mouth, looped her arms around his neck and did just that.
Chapter 15
Gabe had made only one request of her, that she trust his judgment when it came to leaving him alone. He assured her that while those first few days, his mental state had felt admittedly shaky, he no longer felt that way. He promised her that if he ever did feel that way, she would hear about it immediately.
It was easier than she’d thought it would be to leave him alone that morning. Likely because the last two days he’d been on his own without incident. Her heart was light and happy. Even if he didn’t remember the past, they would create a future and really, that was all that she wanted.
Her workday went faster than she could’ve hoped, thanks to a lengthy to-do list from Becky that helped her pass the quiet time. She was walking back through the door of the cabin in no time. To her surprise, there were shopping bags piled up in the living room.
“Hey,” Gabe said as he c
ame out of the bedroom. He walked up to her, wrapped his arms around her and picked her off her feet when he gave her a kiss.
She was smiling hugely when he set her back down.
“What’s all this?” she asked, motioning to the bags.
He shrugged. “I needed more clothes. It was a good way to kill time while you were gone. It’s kind of lonely here without you.”
“You could always come to work with me,” Ava teased.
“Sometimes, solitude is good,” Gabe decided. “You just can’t stop smiling, can you?”
She shook her head, feeling silly. She hadn’t felt this lighthearted and giddy since, well she wasn’t sure. Probably since she and Gabe started dating the first time.
“Nope and it feels so good,” she admitted. “And better yet, pretty soon I have four days in a row off. You and I? We’re going to find something fun to do.”
“Sounds good to me. But for right now, I need you to sit down,” Gabe said, grinning back. “I have something for you.”
She seated herself on the couch and only had to wait a moment before Gabe reappeared from the bedroom holding a gift bag. She didn’t think it was possible but her smile grew even more intense.
Gabe sat next to her, kissed the top of her head and murmured into her hair, “I love to see you happy.”
Then he placed the bag in her lap. “I got this for you yesterday. I was going to give it to you last night.”
“You were?” she asked, surprised.
“Yeah. This is how I had last night planned,” Gabe began. “We were going to have a nice, non-awkward dinner. I was going to tell you about my memory. You were not going to threaten to date some guy named Daw—”
“I didn’t threaten!” Ava burst in with a laugh.
“It’s my story,” Gabe stubbornly replied. “I’m gonna tell it like I remember it. There was going to be no drama. Then we were going to come home and I was going to be an awesome boyfriend and give you a well-thought out gift before dragging you to bed to do things to you that would put your virtue in question without tarnishing it completely.” Ava felt herself blushing furiously before Gabe added, “Luckily for me, at least part of my well laid out plan worked, even if the first part got derailed for a while.”
