The tears threatened to burn my eyes again. I was furious with Stone. Furious that he had caused a scene. Furious that he humiliated me in front of all my friends by leaving with Jessie.
As much as I wanted to hate Jessie, I felt an odd kinship with her. I could relate to the emotions that were plainly etched on her face last night. If I looked in the mirror, I was positive that I would see the same feelings etched on my own face. She and I had a common fault. We had fallen in love with the wrong guy.
My phone buzzed again. Stone was calling. I hit the ignore button and groaned. Misery weighted my body, and my eyes felt puffy. I desperately wished I could go back to sleep, back to the blissful world of unconsciousness.
I turned my phone off and closed my eyes, refusing to open them, so that I would hopefully slip into a peaceful slumber.
It was an hour later when I awoke. I heard the familiar crunching of gravels that signaled a car coming up the driveway. I wondered if it was Granny returning. Then, I wondered if Stone had driven here in his dad’s car. I refused to see him.
It wasn’t long until Granny knocked on my door. “Dara,” she called, her muffled voice spilling in around the cracks, “you have a visitor.”
“Tell him to go away. I don’t want to see him.” I tried to keep my voice from cracking, just in case he could hear me.
“Dara, honey, your mother’s here.”
I sat straight up in bed, my heart pounding mercilessly. I didn’t want to deal with this right now. I’d had enough rejection this week. The last thing I needed was to discuss why my mother abandoned me, and if I did talk to her that was the one question that I wanted answered.
I raked my tousled hair from my swollen eyes and jerked the comforter back. I slid my legs off the side of the bed, my feet dangling inches from the scarred, hardwood floor.
I considered suggesting that Granny tell her to go away, too. I wasn’t in the mood to talk right now, and I didn’t know why it should be on her schedule instead of mine. I knew the words would never pass my lips, though. If I didn’t talk to her now, I may never get the chance again.
“Dara?” I could hear the concern in Granny’s voice.
“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
I slid out of the bed and went to my dresser, rummaging through drawers looking for something to wear. I tugged on a pair of blue jean shorts and a red, snug-fitting tee shirt. I brushed my hair into a ponytail and studied my reflection in the mirror. My eyes looked horrible.
Crossing the hall, I went to the bathroom to quickly complete a shortened version of my morning ritual. I dabbed on a little eye makeup in an effort to hide the puffiness, but it did little good.
My palms grew sweaty as I walked down the hall toward the living room. I hadn’t seen my mother since I was three, and I couldn’t remember much about her. Pausing at the end of the hallway, I took a deep breath, willing my heart to slow its pace. Then, I held my head high and entered the living room.
She was sitting in a wingback chair across from Granny, who was seated on the couch. When I came into the room, she stood and a huge smile lit her face.
I glanced at Granny, and she nodded her head in encouragement.
My mother was a little shorter than I. Her dirty blond hair hung listlessly just below her shoulders, and while she wasn’t unattractive, I could detect traces of someone who had lived a hard life. She held her arms out to me. I hugged her and quickly stepped back. She reeked of stale cigarette smoke. It was an odd feeling to know that this stranger in our living room was my mother. I did recognize her, though, from the picture tucked away in my jewelry box, and I couldn’t deny that I was looking into a set of eyes that was the exact same shade of green as my own.
Granny stood. “I’ll give the two of you some privacy.” She took my hands in her small, cold, wrinkled ones. “Dara, I’ll be in my bedroom if you need me.”
I nodded and watched Granny as she left the room.
“It’s so good to see you,” my mother said in a soft voice.
I stared at her blankly.
“I think about you all the time,” she continued, holding up a photo of me when I was a baby.
Part of me thought I should say something and ease her growing discomfort, and another part of me wanted her to suffer, the way she made me suffer. If she thought about me all the time, why did she wait almost fifteen years to visit? Why didn’t she call or write?
I remained silent.
“I’m sure you have a lot of questions you’d like to ask me,” she said, giggling nervously and sitting back down in the chair.
“Why did you abandon me?” I asked, unsmiling, a little taken aback by just how angry I was.
“Because I wasn’t good for you,” she said simply. “I loved you enough that I wanted a better life for you than what I could give. I knew that your father’s parents would take you with no questions asked. Joe and Helen were some of the best people that I had ever met, and I trusted them to take care of you like you deserved.”
I sat down on the couch, never taking my eyes away from her face. “They didn’t even know I existed,” I said. “If you thought they were so great, how come you never even told them about me?”
“Dara, your father and I broke up before I found out I was pregnant. I never told him about you because we were miserable together. He was always drunk, and I was always high on prescription pills. I knew he’d want to work it out if I told him about you, and I just didn’t want to deal with our relationship. It was easier to leave and never look back.”
I grunted. “Sounds like you do that a lot.”
“I understand if you hate me, but it was different with you. I didn’t want to leave you, but I was so screwed up. I’d take downers to go to sleep and uppers to wake back up. I started dabbling with other drugs, too. Cocaine. Heroine.
“I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t.”
“I wasn’t worth it?” I asked.
“Oh, baby, you were worth it, but I was so far gone with drugs, I didn’t know whether I’d live through another day. And I didn’t care.
“I knew I had to find somebody to take care of you, before I did wind up dead and something horrible happened to you. My own parents had kicked me out of the house years ago and told me that they wanted nothing to do with me. Joe and Helen were the only people that I knew who deserved you.”
Tears streamed down her face. “You’ve had a good life with them, right?” she asked, nodding her head and waiting for me to confirm it.
“Yes,” I answered quickly, not needing to give the question any thought. “I love them both with all my heart.”
She pursed her lips and wiped her eyes. “Then I made the right choice.”
“They took good care of me, and I love them. But that didn’t keep me from wondering why you never came back.”
“I know, but it was better that I didn’t. I was a mess, and I didn’t want you to see me like that. I’ve been clean for six months, though, and all that time, I’ve been trying to get the courage up to come and see you.
“You have every right to hate me, but I wanted you to know that I love you more than my own life. That’s why I did what I did. Because I loved you, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t become the kind of mother that you needed.”
She sobbed openly, and I felt like I should go to her. But my feet wouldn’t move. Where was she all the nights that I cried myself to sleep?
Once she regained her composure, she stood and walked toward the front door. I stood and watched her, waiting for her to speak.
“Thank you for talking to me. I know this is probably a little overwhelming. I’m going to go, so that you can have time to process everything, and then, I’d like to come back and see you in a few days or a few weeks. Just whenever you’re ready to see me. I’ve given your Granny my phone number, so you can call me when you want to talk.”
I nodded my head in acknowledgment, and I silently watched her walk out the door.
Once the doo
r closed, I exhaled loudly, not even realizing that I had been holding my breath. I covered my mouth with a trembling hand. A myriad of emotions churned in my soul, and it felt like slivers of glass coursed through my veins.
I collapsed on the couch, hot tears blistering their way down my cheeks. Saddened by the life that I had lost with my birth parents, I was at least grateful that Papa and Granny had cared enough for the granddaughter that they hadn’t even known existed to take her into their home and love her. I knew now that without them, I would have never had a chance at happiness.
When the flow of tears finally stopped, I knocked on Granny’s door and entered her room. She sat by the window in the corner, reading a book.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her brow furrowed as she looked up from the novel.
“Considering,” I said.
“You know you can talk to me if you need to.”
“I know, Granny. Right now, I think I just want to take a hot shower.” I turned to leave the room, but then I stopped and looked back at her. “I’m glad you and Papa wanted me, Granny.”
Her eyes glistened as she watched me, a small smile on her lips. “Honey, you were the best thing that ever happened to us.”
I couldn’t stop the rivulet of tears that streamed from my eyes. I hadn’t known how much I needed to hear her say that until the words flowed from her lips. I ran to her and hugged her hard. If anything ever happened to her, I would be lost.
I finally released her, kissed her on the brow, and went to shower.
After letting some of my stress wash down the shower drain along with the steaming water, I felt slightly better, though I was still an emotional mess. My mind kept alternating between the scene last night with Stone and the one today with my mother. Both of them sucked.
My phone buzzed against the kitchen table while I nibbled on a saltine cracker to settle my stomach. Stone was calling again. I hit the ignore button.
I needed to talk to Crimson and Scarlet about Granny’s bridal shower, but I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.
I flipped on the television, stretched out on the couch, and mindlessly watched one of my favorite recorded programs. I replayed the visit with my mother this morning over and over in my head. If she thought that I was going to make it easy for her, she was wrong. I had heard enough about drugs to know how addictive they were. Educational groups had presented the facts to the student body at Quail Mountain High, and I clearly remembered a recovering user telling the students that he had tried it one time. One time was all it had taken for him to be addicted, and that addiction resulted in him losing his home, his job, and his family.
I knew addiction was tough, but I was her daughter.
The hum of a motorcycle interrupted my pensive thoughts. I exhaled loudly, knowing that I had no desire to speak to Stone. Couldn’t the guy take a hint?
A moment later, a loud knock sounded at the front door. I made no effort to rise from the couch. I paused my recording, waiting for him to get the message and go away.
He rapped loudly again. “Come on, Dara. I know you’re in there.”
I remained still.
“Please, Dara. I need to talk to you.”
I thought about the scene last night, the one where I was left standing alone while he left with Jessie. I didn’t much care what he had to say, but I suddenly felt the need to say a few words of my own.
Marching to the front door, I swung it open and stared at him through narrowed eyes.
“Dara, let me explain. Can I come in?”
“No.”
I stepped out onto the front porch and closed the front door behind me. “Let me explain,” I said, pointing my finger at him. “You humiliated me in front of all my friends. You were on a date with me, but you left me standing there like an idiot while you left with her. Who does that? Oh, wait…a pompous rakehell, a selfish cad, an arrogant asshat…that’s who. Do you know what those words mean or do you want me to hand you a dictionary?”
“There’s nothing wrong with my vocabulary. I may have flunked out of private school, but I’m not ignorant,” he snapped. “Look, Dara. I know you’re angry, but if you’ll just calm down and let me explain.”
“I don’t want you to explain,” I thundered. “I got the message loud and clear. It’s my own fault. I knew messing with you would be dangerous. I knew you’d make me care about you, and then you’d just leave, ready to move on to the next girl. I thought I saw another side of you. I thought you were smart and funny and kind. And it sucks to realize that I was wrong.”
“Dara,” he said softly, holding his hands out to me.
“Don’t touch me,” I whispered through clenched teeth. “I know you think everything’s about you, Stone, but I have problems of my own. I can’t deal with you right now.”
I turned on my heel, walked back into the house, and slammed the door in his face. I turned my cell phone off. If the house phone rang, I would refuse to answer it, although most of those calls were for Granny, anyway.
I cut off the television and closed myself up in my bedroom. I needed some serious alone time.
Stone
I stared at the front door. Only moments ago, she had been close enough that I could have reached out and touched her. The scent of her perfume had teased me, making me remember all the times I had held her in my arms, skimming her neck with kisses while breathing in her intoxicating fragrance. And I had wanted to wrap my arms around her then. I could see the pain etched on her face. I could hear it in her voice. I had wanted to explain my actions. It appeared that any reconciliation would be hopeless, except for the fact that she had insinuated that she cared about me.
That one statement gave me hope.
I rammed my hands through my hair, wondering how I could make this right. I needed to go home and regroup.
I texted Tom and told him that I wouldn’t be back at the store today. When I finally made it home, I avoided my parents on my way to my room and called Mike.
“Hey, Mike. What’s up?”
“Nothing much, man,” Mike answered.
“I need you to do me a favor. Text Crimson’s number to me.”
“Dang it, Stone. You’d better not be moving in on my girl.”
“If you want to make her your girl, you’d better get some swagger. Now text me her number. I want to talk to her about Dara.”
“Fine,” Mike grumbled. “Doing it now.”
I hung up and waited for his text. As soon as it arrived, I dialed her number.
“Hello.”
“Crimson?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Stone.”
“Stone!” she scolded. “Do you have an idea how heartbroken Dara is?”
“I just left her house, but she wouldn’t give me the chance to explain. I was wondering if you’ve talked to her today.”
“No. She’s not answering my calls or Scarlet’s calls. I did call and talk to Granny earlier, but she said that Dara wasn’t having a good day today. She also said that Dara’s mother came to see her.”
“Her mother?” I asked, surprised. Why hadn’t she said anything? Then it dawned on me. She had told me that everything wasn’t about me and that she had problems of her own. I wish I had known. I would have knocked on the door again until she agreed to talk to me.
“Yeah. Granny didn’t say much about it, but I got the impression that it left Dara a little down in the dumps.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Um, hello? Because you broke her heart last night, Romeo. Surely you realize that girls don’t particularly enjoy watching their Prince Charming ride off into the sunset with another woman. Or do you just not care?”
Her last question settled on my shoulders like a yoke. Is that what she thought after last night? That I didn’t care? Why shouldn’t she think that? I had survived the last three years by not caring. But Dara changed things. Hell, I hadn’t wanted things to change, but it happened anyway.
“I�
�ve got to go,” I informed her, eager to find a solution to my latest screw-up.
“Stone,” she shouted. A lengthy pause ensued as I waited for her to speak. “Despite your reputation, Dara sees something special in you. Don’t prove her wrong.”
“All I can say is that I warned her. Now, I really have to go.”
I hung up the phone. I knew Crimson wanted me to say that I wouldn’t hurt Dara, but I couldn’t guarantee anything. There was a time when I would have lied and said exactly that, not because I meant it, but because that’s exactly what she wanted to hear. For now, saying nothing was the best I could do.
I needed to talk to Dara. I needed to explain the situation with Jess, and I needed Dara to need to talk to me about her mother. As if that wasn’t enough things to need, I also needed a plan.
I had one mission. By the end of the day, Dara would need me.
***
The late afternoon sun cast a golden glow on the horizon. I pulled into Dara’s driveway in my mother’s car. I would have preferred my dad’s sports car, but seeing as we weren’t on the same wavelength these days, I knew my chances of borrowing it were slim to none, which was only slightly worse than normal.
After parking the car and walking to the front porch, I knocked loudly.
I shifted my feet as I waited for someone to answer the door. Casting a glance back to the driveway, I realized that Granny’s car was gone. Maybe Dara had met Crimson and Scarlet at Awesome Sauce. I should’ve called Crimson back before I came over to see if she had ever talked to Dara.
I turned around to leave when I heard the door open. I spun back around and caught Dara giving me a wary gaze through the narrow opening.
“What do you want, Stone?”
She practically scalded me with the tone of her voice.
I moved closer to her, knowing that it would unsettle her. “Dara,” I said softly.
She said nothing more, just looked at me with her melancholy-filled eyes. I’d made more than my share of girls cry, and it was obvious from her tear-stained cheeks that Dara had been unhappy for a long while.
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