Cowboy for Keeps

by Debra Clopton

  “I’m so sorry, Amanda. Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

  His words were a low rumble in the darkness. They reached out to her, urging her to open up.

  Amanda took a shallow breath, feeling as if she were treading on quicksand. It was time. “It just recently hit me what I’ve lost….”

  Wyatt stilled his heart as her words flowed, as rough as the cattle guard she drove the SUV over. He was glad they were home. This hadn’t been a conversation to have while driving. He’d meant to wait.

  She pulled to a stop in front of the house and cut the engine. He waited for her to continue.

  “I’ve dedicated my life to helping kids. Felt like it was my calling. My purpose. Over the years I came to realize that at fourteen I didn’t understand how the complete hysterectomy would affect me.” Her words were stronger than he’d thought they would be. “I didn’t realize how I would one day long…” her voice cracked “…for a baby.”

  Wyatt could see where at fourteen the loss of her leg would have been the focus of her young life. A kid wouldn’t understand that she might one day long for a baby. A kid might only think about having to face life without the leg she’d had before she’d gone into surgery. A woman of twenty-four who saw other women all around her who were expecting children would understand only too well what she’d lost…especially one whose fiancé had broken off their engagement. He had to ask. “Did you start struggling with this prior to Jonathan breaking the engagement?”

  She nodded. “Some. I’d been thinking about it since I was about twenty. But I’d been counting my blessings. Focusing on them and letting God get me through it. But it was getting worse each year. And then, well, I realized the truth.”

  “And what is that?”

  She bit her lip, crossed her arms as if to protect herself. “I’m a woman with one leg and no ability to give a man children. I’m not the prize—” She halted as if unable to continue.

  She didn’t need to finish her statement. Her view of what that truth was showed in her expression.

  “You know that’s not right,” he said softly, touching her cheek.

  “What man would want me under those conditions? I’m not one to beat around the bush or want sympathy. This is fact. I didn’t date because of that.”

  This was something new. “You didn’t date?”

  She shook her head. “I couldn’t handle thinking about someone confirming what I had realized.”

  Then she’d decided to date Jonathan the jerk. Wyatt shifted in his seat to face her more fully. Amanda needed to talk about this and maybe she needed him to ask frank questions. “What made you change your mind and start dating Jonathan?”

  “It just happened. He…” She sighed. “He was nice and he was persistent. I told him on our second date and he was okay with it.”

  “But he wasn’t.”

  She looked down at her hands folded tightly in her lap. “No. He wasn’t.”

  Wyatt would have decked the guy if he’d been standing there. How could the man do that? “You are better off without him.” She looked pained as she closed her eyes, shaking her head. Wyatt’s heart clenched. “Do you still love him?” Surely not. She’d said once she was over him, but was she? “You are better off without him.”

  “No. I don’t love him. I can just understand—”

  “Stop defending him, Amanda. The man saw a pretty, sweet woman and chased her down. As far as I’m concerned he was looking out for only himself the whole time. He told you what you wanted to hear at the time because it suited him.” Anger boiled inside of Wyatt. He sucked in a hard breath and counted to ten as he slowly exhaled. He didn’t need to upset Amanda any more. The look on her face told him it was too late. “Is this why you don’t work with kids?”

  Her eyes darkened with sadness and she nodded.

  “Amanda, you can’t have children, but you have so much to offer a baby. And all those kids whose lives you’ve touched. Anyone can look at you and how you’ve lived your life and know that God is using you. Your life is a testimony. It has been to me. And there is no telling how many others—kids and adults alike—who you’ve inspired firsthand. God has a plan for you. He wants to prosper you and not to harm you.” Wyatt couldn’t remember the last time he’d quoted scripture but it felt right to do it now.

  Tears formed in her beautiful aquamarine eyes. “They have touched my life…but, Wyatt, I can’t do it anymore.”

  He didn’t understand. “Why?”

  “When I’m around kids now—” She brushed a tear away and it was all he could do not to reach for her. “It started with Jonathan. It hit me then with full force how big the hole inside me is.” She paused, closing her eyes briefly. “I’m dealing with it in my way—here.”

  “Amanda, there are babies who need adopting. You can do that.”

  “It’s not that…” She faltered as if she almost couldn’t get the words out. “It’s in here.” She flattened her hand to the center of her chest. “I feel so empty. So broken—like I have a hole inside me that can’t be filled. Nothing makes it better. No scripture. No prayer. It’s just there. And I feel—” she sighed “—worthless.”

  “Amanda, no—”

  She kept on going. “I can’t look at kids now without aching so badly inside that I feel as if I’ll be sick. It’s a horrible thing. It’s something I have to deal with.” She shifted her shoulders back and lifted her chin. “And I will.” She reached for the door handle. “I’m tired, Wyatt. I think I’ll head in. Are you okay? Do you need me to help you get inside?”

  She was almost bubbly again—clearly a veil over her pain. Wyatt shook his head. “I’m good, Amanda. You go on in and get some sleep. It’ll make you feel better.”

  She didn’t look at him as she climbed from the SUV and headed across the yard. She worried him. There was so much he wanted to say and so much he didn’t know how to say. It felt strange to be in a situation where he didn’t have the words. I love you were the words that came raging to the forefront of his heart and soul…but was that what she needed to hear right now? She’d heard those words once and they’d been taken back. They’d led or added to the feelings of unworthiness she said she was feeling.

  Worthless! She was a jewel.

  He just had to find a way to show her.

  After Amanda disappeared around the edge of the house, Wyatt got out of the SUV and slammed the door. He winced from the pain that shot through his shoulder. He’d come a long way, but there was still a long haul ahead. Right now the pain didn’t compare to what he was feeling for Amanda. Or what she was feeling herself.

  She’d come here to help him heal when she had far deeper hidden scars than anyone could know and certainly see.

  Grief was a complex emotion. He and his brothers had lived it when their parents had died tragically. It was a death of flesh and blood. A tangible loss that everyone in the community saw and felt. Amanda’s grief was different. It was almost intangible—who would know if she didn’t tell? Who would comfort her if she didn’t expose it? And if she didn’t tell anyone, she suffered alone.

  Did she not know how precious she was?

  This wasn’t what he’d expected. She was a fighter, and so he wouldn’t have thought that this could kick the wind out of her the way it had. He’d almost told her he loved her but held back. His gut told him now wasn’t the time. He’d been messing up ever since Amanda walked into his life. The last thing he wanted to do was speak too soon. He had to help her first…and then pray she felt the same way about him. He had to have a plan before he did anything stupid. But what?

  He needed to ride.

  Needed to move.

  Restless winds rolled across the pasture as unease and uncertainty clashed inside of him. What did he need to do for Amanda?

  The sun was settling over the trees. Cole and Susan had planned the afternoon wedding and reception so they could make the long drive to the airport in Ranger. Wyatt glanced into the SUV and saw the key still in the ig
nition. Walking around to the driver’s side, he pulled open the door and slid carefully into the seat.

  He needed time to think. He needed to ride. Needed the calm he felt when he was around his horses—

  Five minutes later, he pulled into the yard of the main house where Seth and Melody lived. He knew they were probably still in town cleaning up after the reception. Driving to the barn, he eased on the brake and got out of the vehicle. His hip and back tightened up but didn’t spasm. His shoulder hadn’t complained too much, either. It didn’t matter as he made his way into the barn.

  Why had God not helped Amanda? She’d said nothing had helped her. No scripture. No prayer. Why had God not given her something to ease her pain?

  He stopped in front of the black gelding. “Hello, Soot,” Wyatt said, rubbing the horse’s neck. “How about a ride?”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  The question startled Wyatt and he looked over his shoulder. Chance was standing in the doorway.

  “I don’t really care at the moment. What are you doing here? I figured you’d still be in town.”

  His cousin shrugged and strode over to prop a boot on the bottom rung of the stall. He patted Soot’s neck. “When you were troubled about something, riding always did help you think, didn’t it?”

  “Same as you.”

  Chance gave him a Turner grin. “Yup. There’s peace out there on those plains.”

  “I’d almost forgotten how much.”

  “Do you need to talk?” Chance turned his head and stared at him from beneath the brim of his hat. His serious green eyes bored all the way through Wyatt.

  “Nope. I’m fine.” It wasn’t true and he knew it. But this was a private matter.

  “Give me a break. You looked like a cowboy about to get on the rankest bull of the draw and you aren’t prepared.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Worse. I saw the way you couldn’t take your eyes off Amanda all evening. What’s going on?”

  Maybe counsel from a man of God might help him help Amanda. Wyatt gave in. “This is just between you and me,” he clarified.

  “This is between you, me and God.”

  Wyatt proceeded to tell him about Amanda’s problem. About how she couldn’t have children and how she was in a crisis with it now. “She’s run here to Mule Hollow trying to find some peace and answers, I think. She’s just treading water, hoping God will take away the pain and grief she’s feeling, but she’s hurting, Chance. And tonight she told me how empty and worthless she feels. That’s not good. I don’t know what to do for her. She’s a remarkable woman. I’ve never known someone with the heart that she has. She’s spent her life inspiring people with the way she’s handled losing her leg. She let God take that bad situation and make it good. But this is really hurting her. How can I help her? She is not worthless because she can’t bear children.”

  Chance had been watching him closely. “Man, that’s a tough one. First, you can start by doing what you are doing…loving her.”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  Chance placed a hand on his shoulder. “I see it. But I also hear it and see evidence in the concern you’re showing her. God puts people into our lives when we need them. It seems to me He’s placed you and Amanda in each other’s paths at this specific time because it’s the right time. Be patient and be there for her like she’s been there for you. You’re almost back to being yourself because of her care. You can do the same for her. Help her know that this emptiness she’s feeling can be filled with God’s grace if she’d let it. He’s the ultimate comforter and loves her. He’ll use this for good, too, if she can let Him. You need to pray about it and then follow God’s lead. God doesn’t steer us wrong if we can hear His voice when He speaks.”

  Wyatt stared out into the near darkness, his heart heavy. “But what if I don’t feel like I’m hearing God these days?”

  “Then wait. Pray and study God’s word while you wait, and be patient with yourself. You’ll grow during that time. Meanwhile, Amanda needs to know that she isn’t less of a woman and that God has made her the way she is for a reason. His love for her is abundant, and though her fiancé forsook her, God never will. Sometimes He’s quiet because it draws us to seek Him more. He hasn’t forsaken you, either, Wyatt. In trials and tribulations God pulls us back to Him. He wants us to rely on Him and not ourselves.”

  Wyatt closed his eyes and thought about that. It was so simple. So obvious. “That’s me.” Unable to be still, he walked toward the outside.

  Chance fell into step beside him. “It’s all of us sometime or other.”

  “Yeah, but I’ve been doing it for so long I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I’d begun to think I was invincible. That all I’ve accomplished was by my own merit and not God’s.” That was what had been eating at him with crashing the plane. “How can I fix that?” He stopped outside.

  Chance smiled easily. “Simple, Wyatt. You’ve acknowledged it, now just ask God to forgive you and start fresh. The Bible says that when we confess our sins, God forgets it as far as the east is from the west. You believe that, don’t you?”

  He nodded. “What if I’m not the one to help her? Maybe she should talk to you. You’re the preacher.”

  “He sent you. You’re the right man for the job. Go back and talk to her. God will lead you.” Chance laid his hand on Wyatt’s shoulder. “I’ll pray for you both.”

  “Thanks. I’ll need it.”

  With that said, Chance walked back toward the house, pure cowboy swagger. If God put people into our lives when we needed them, Wyatt knew there was no mistake in the timing of Chance showing up in the barn. Amanda would be glad to know God had kept him off the horse, he thought as he climbed back into her SUV.

  He paused at the cattle guard and stared at the sunset’s lingering glow, bowed his head and asked God to forgive him. He prayed God would show him the way to help Amanda…and also the way to win her heart.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Amanda was waiting on the front porch when she saw headlights winding toward her across the dark pasture. She’d started feeling guilty for not having made certain that Wyatt had gotten inside safely. Yes, he was getting around better and better, but still, he was her patient and she should have walked him to his door. Instead she’d let her emotions—her personal life—interfere with her work.

  The last thing she’d expected to find when she’d come to check on him was that her SUV would be gone.

  What was he thinking? She headed toward him the minute he pulled to a stop. She had every intention of setting him straight on the issue of driving, but the minute he closed the door she could see something was wrong. He looked nervous in the moonlight.

  It was a look she’d never seen on him before.

  “Wyatt, is something wrong?” She stopped at the edge of the stagecoach house. He walked steadily toward her and stopped only inches from her. Amanda automatically reached out and touched his arm. As if her touch would calm him. The last thing she needed to do was reach out to Wyatt. But it was becoming an impossibility. He knew everything about her. Her darkest fears and her deepest sorrows. They were connected, and despite everything she’d told him, she’d realized when she’d walked away from him that talking to him had helped her. “Why did you take the car? You aren’t ready to drive.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I needed to think. I’m not sure how to approach this, but I can’t let you go to sleep tonight without telling you how beautiful you are inside and out.” His eyes burned fierce in the starlight.

  “God did not make a mistake when He made you, or when He allowed everything in your life to happen to you. I’ve prayed all the way back from the barn for God to lead me on this. I’ve told myself now isn’t the time, but here it is, Amanda.”

  Holding her captive with his gaze, he stepped up and took her face between his hands. Their warmth seeped into her. “I love you. I love you just the way you are and can only pray that you might someday f
all in love with me and let me show you how wonderful you are.”

  Amanda had gone still when he’d touched her and now on the “I love you” part, joy filled her… Her heart lifted in her chest with a lightness she had never felt. But then reality hit her like an arrow to a balloon.

  “No.” She took a step back.

  “Yes.” Wyatt held on, stepping with her. “I’m just giving you warning that I do love you. It may scare you. It may terrify you, and after all you’ve been through, you have every right to feel that way. But, Amanda Hathaway, I’m a very patient man when I need to be. And I’m very determined, as you well know. So hold on to your hat because I want you for keeps. And I’m going to actively seek to win your heart from this moment forward.”

  Amanda didn’t know what to say. “I’m not going there, Wyatt. I can’t—”

  “What, risking your heart on someone who truly does love you? Here in Mule Hollow we call that chicken. And there is nothing about you that is chicken.”

  “Wyatt—” She broke from his tender hands, backing away, only to back straight into the logs of the stagecoach house. Trapped, she was forced to look into his eyes, her heart breaking. “I have nothing to offer you. Nothing. Don’t you get that?” She looked down at the ground. Didn’t he see the truth?

  Wyatt took her face in between his hands once more and tilted her head. He stared deeply into her eyes. “I’ve realized ever so slowly, getting to know you, and as I fell for you, that you hold the key to every dream and aspiration I will ever have. God didn’t put us into each other’s lives for no reason, Amanda. You are all that I could ever want, and I thank God for sending you into my life when He did.”