by Jess Bryant
“No.”
“Yeah, I am, which I guess entitles you to at least a few answers.”
“No.” He growled at her flippant tone, “You’re not just the woman I’m sleeping with. We’re more than that. We’re friends. So I’m asking you, as a friend, to talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“How’s that working out for you?” He caught another tear as it leaked from her eye and sighed, “You haven’t told your family have you? Your sister? Your friends? Have you talked to anyone?”
She simply stared at him and he knew the answer. No. She hadn’t told a soul. She’d been keeping it all locked up. Pretending everything was fine. He knew because even when she was a kid she’d refused to ask for help. Stubborn and independent to her core. She’d rather they think she was crazy than helpless.
He sighed, “Talk to me, Lemon. Maybe it’ll help to get it out. You won’t have to carry it alone anymore.”
Lemon’s bottom lip trembled again and she bit into it as she turned her head to look away. She didn’t try to punch him or shove him off but he had no idea if he’d gotten through to her or not. Not until she let out another shaky breath and sighed, as if she were holding up the weight of the world.
“I was pregnant.” She started and he flinched enough at her words that her gaze moved back to him, “A long time ago, years ago, when I was with Alec… I was pregnant.”
Shane blew out a rough breath and nodded for her to go on. Hearing those words had felt like taking a blow he hadn’t expected. It shocked him how wrong they felt. The jealousy that coursed through him hearing her ex-husbands name surprised him. He’d never liked her ex but he’d certainly never been jealous of him. He tried to be rational but the thought of Lemon pregnant with another man’s baby felt like a sharp blade sinking into his chest.
Was that how she’d felt when she saw him with Holly? When she thought of his family? Like it should have been her? Like she should have been the one to give that to him? Jesus, he’d only thought he understood if that was the case. Because that was a hell of a lot deeper and more complicated.
“I was pregnant when we got married. It’s why we got married which, looking back on it was pretty stupid.” Her gaze shot to his and then away again, “We weren’t kids. We weren’t young and madly in love. We just…thought it was the right thing to do I guess.”
She hadn’t loved Alec? Shane tried to focus on her story. She’d married him because she was pregnant? Just like him and Holly. Only, he and Holly had been madly in love back then and Lemon was saying she and Alec hadn’t been. But that wasn’t the only difference. He and Holly had stayed together so long because they’d had that precious, tiny little baby to take care of, and then two more. But Lemon had never had a baby. His guts twisted and he wiped another tear from her eye.
“I miscarried. I… I lost the baby. There were complications early on. It was a hard pregnancy and we knew something was wrong but it was still a shock when I lost it.” She sucked in a gulp of air, “My marriage was built on that baby and it crumbled when I lost it. I lost Alec too that day. It took another year for him to find the balls to leave me but I Iost him long before we divorced.”
Shane grit his teeth to keep from calling the other man an idiot. He’d left Lemon? What kind of man left a woman like her? Only an idiot.
He remembered the first time Lemon had come home after the divorce and they’d run into each other. He remembered someone, maybe even her, had told him it was mutual. But that had been another of Lemon’s carefully guarded secrets.
The girl that was so open and honest and free and wild was also very, very good at keeping her private life private. She must be. Because he’d never heard a word of any of this from anyone. Not the media or the press or the tabloids. Not the gossips in Fate. Not even her parents.
“Your parents don’t know.”
Pain flashed across her face, so naked and fresh that he winced before she even spoke, “No, they don’t know.”
“Why? How?”
“I didn’t want them to know I had a shotgun wedding so I was waiting to tell them about the baby and then… there wasn’t one. So it just never seemed like something they needed to know. Why should they hurt over something they never needed to know about?”
“Lemon…” He shook his head sadly.
There was her independent streak. Handling it on her own. But it was more than that. She’d been protecting her parents from the pain that she was going through. She’d lost a baby. They’d have felt the loss of a grandchild. So she hadn’t told them and nothing he could say would convince her that she should have.
“I knew back then that I’d never have a baby on my own. I knew it but I couldn’t face the truth so I refused to go back to the doctors. I ran away from it. Buried myself in my music, in my career. I ran away from it but it caught up to me last month.”
Shane swallowed past the lump in his throat, “What happened?”
“I started having problems, feminine problems, and I had to see a doctor. Turns out pretending something isn’t a problem for years doesn’t make it go away. It only makes it worse.”
“What’d they say?”
“They used a lot of big medical words but the general gist of it is that I was right. I’ll never be able to have kids. Basically, my uterus considers an embryo an alien invasion and performs seek and destroy missions on sight. Between that and the scar tissue and the endometriosis…” Her voice cracked on what sounded like a half-sob half-laugh, “They think the best course of action is to remove the problem.”
“Remove?” He frowned as she bit her lip and tried to hide another sob.
“They want to remove my uterus, Shane. They want to rip out the part of me that makes me a woman. Not only can’t I be a mother but they want to take that away from me too.”
He had her up and in his arms before the next sob escaped and he felt tears battle behind his own eyes. He’d hated seeing sad Lemon but this was so much worse than just sad. This wasn’t just hurt. This was broken and bruised and he had no idea how to fix it for her, no clue how to make it okay. So he simply held her.
“Shhh, shhh, its okay baby. It’s okay. Let it out.” He shifted her into his lap and tucked her under his chin, “I’ve got you.”
She tried to pull away from him but he tightened his grip. She could run later if she wanted to. He’d catch her if she did. But for right now, she was staying right here, in his arms, where he could see her and touch her and comfort her if she’d only let him.
“Lemon.” He smoothed her hair as she hiccupped and sobbed against his chest, “Babe, you’re the most beautiful, frustrating, independent, willful, impossible woman I’ve ever known and nothing they do will change that. Do you hear me? Nothing.”
A shaky sob tore through her and she shivered against him. He held on and waited. Finally, after a minute or two, she raised her arms and put them around him too. She squeezed him, holding on to him, and he finally started to breathe again as she softened and let him hold her.
“You’ll still be Lemon… I don’t actually know your middle name… Kelly.”
She snorted trough a sob, “Jane.”
“Lemon Jane Kelly? Funny. I always thought your middle name was trouble.”
That earned him a small, soft laugh and a poke in the gut, “Not funny.”
“Kinda funny.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t know my middle name.” She sniffled, attempting to change the subject. “You’ve known me my whole life.”
“Maybe, but I think Seth was right.” He played with her hair, “I don’t think I ever really looked at you until that day in the rain.”
Lemon pulled back enough to look up at him, “What?”
“I couldn’t.” He swiped at the tear tracks on her cheeks, “I couldn’t have looked at you back then. I think I must have known that if I did, I’d never be able to look away.”
Her red-rimmed eyes softened and then flickered with p
ain before she tucked herself back against his chest, “It’s a good thing you didn’t look then. You wouldn’t have ended up with three beautiful daughters. I… I couldn’t have given you that.”
His heart ached and he squeezed her tighter. That’s what she’d meant. When she said there were things she couldn’t give Alec. When she’d said Holly had given him things that she couldn’t. It broke his fucking heart to know those thoughts were in her head, hurting her and he could do nothing to take them away.
“I never knew you wanted kids.”
“Neither did I.” She sniffled, “Until they told me I couldn’t have them.”
“Mmm, always the little rebel, wanting what you can’t have.” He tried to ease the tension with teasing but she just sighed.
“Like wanting you.”
“Yeah, just like that. Because you got me, Lem. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. And if you really want to be a mom, you can do that too. You’re the most stubborn person I’ve ever met and you go after your dreams. Don’t give up on this one if it’s something you really want.”
She was quiet so he simply held her and tried to give her what she needed. Comfort. Solace. Understanding. Just a shoulder to cry on or the knowledge that she wasn’t alone. Whatever it was she needed from him, that’s what he would be. Because he’d been telling the truth when he said she had him. He was hooked. Addicted. He’d looked and now he couldn’t look away. She was like the sun. Hope and light. And he’d do whatever he could to help her see that she still shone just as bright as she always had.
Her lips on his neck made him groan and shift. How it was possible, he had no idea, but his body jolted with awareness. His cock hardened and reminded him that they were both naked. She shifted too, rubbing against his erection, and he hissed out a breath.
“Lem…” He tightened his grip on her to keep her still, “Stop.”
“Why?” Her breath whispered against his ear.
“It’s not the time, babe. You’re hurting and…” Her hand snaked between them and found his cock and he cursed, “Baby, don’t.”
“I want you.” Lemon breathed against his neck as she shifted to straddle him, “Please, Shane? Distract me. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to think right now. I just want to feel.”
He cupped her cheek and stared into her eyes and she didn’t blink. She didn’t look away. The blue was even brighter after her tears. Red-rimmed and sad and he didn’t want her to be sad. He wanted her to be happy. Like she’d been with him earlier, before he’d ruined the moment by pressing her for answers. She’d given them to him, because whether she knew it or not, she trusted him. And if she could give him that, he could give her this.
Shane pulled her face down to his and kissed her softly, “Anything you want. Always.”
Chapter Eleven
Lemon watched Shane as he moved around the bedroom. He thought she was still asleep but she’d felt it the moment she’d lost the warmth and safety of his arms around her. She’d fallen asleep tucked safely to his chest, exhausted from another bout of lovemaking. And the fact that her brain was calling what they’d done lovemaking probably should have freaked her out but it didn’t.
Because Shane was, quite simply, incredible.
Not just because he was hot and sexy, though he was definitely that. She watched the muscles in his back and arms flex as he tugged a shirt on over his head. His broad back disappeared from her view and she felt a pang of loss somewhere between her heart and her vagina. She wanted to curl back up against that magnificent body. More than that though, she wanted to feel the closeness, the contentedness that washed over her whenever she was in his arms.
She’d told him her secret. The one thing she’d never told anyone else. Only Alec and her doctors knew about the pregnancy, the miscarriage. Not even Millie knew the truth and that girl ran Lemon’s life like it was her own personal puzzle game. She’d told Shane about all of it, even the hysterectomy that the doctors had suggested. She’d told him about her biggest regret and her greatest fear.
And he hadn’t judged her. He hadn’t told her how childish it had been to avoid seeing her doctor for years. For ignoring all the signs that something was wrong. For pretending that the worst days of her life had never happened and locking all of the hurt and pain that went along with it inside of her. He hadn’t scolded her or pitied her or tried to fix it for her.
He’d just been there. He’d held her close and offered comfort. He’d given her his strong, steady presence and a shoulder to lean on. Someone to cry on, rely on.
Her admission had come out in the heat of the moment. It had been spit out with heat and anger and a mixture of fear that had overwhelmed her. For just a second there, when he’d asked, when he’d pushed, she’d contemplated lying to him. She’d thought about saying that yes, she was on the pill, and moving on. But the words hadn’t even worked their way up her throat because they’d felt all wrong. Lying to Shane had felt wrong and she hadn’t wanted to. So she’d told him the truth and as she watched him move silently around the room, careful not to wake her, she thought she knew now why that was.
She was falling for him. Fast and unrestrained. She was in freefall. She’d had a childish crush. She’d had a lust-filled fantasy. But this… it was bigger than that. She had feelings for him, feelings that, if left unchecked, would change her life forever. And she needed to know now, before she let it go any further, if he would catch her before she hit the ground.
“Hey.” Shane’s gaze caught hers in the mirror above his dresser and he smiled, all white teeth and dimples, “You’re awake.”
“Mmhmm.” She stretched and smirked when his gaze fell to her breasts, “And you’re not in bed.”
“Observant.” His gaze jumped back to her face, “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good, a little sore but good.”
His smile softened, “That wasn’t what I meant.”
“I know.” She returned his soft smile, “But the answers the same. I’m a little sore but I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah. You will.”
“I’d be better if you’d come back over here.” She patted the empty space beside her on the bed but Shane only laughed.
“Sorry baby, no can do. I come back over there now and we’ll never leave this room.” He tossed a t-shirt at her, “Get dressed, we’re going for our run.”
“What?” She squeaked, “No. No way. I’ve had my cardio today than you very much.”
Shane laughed a deep, hearty laugh, “You should’ve seen your face. Priceless. I was joking just for the record.”
She threw a pillow at him, “For the record, you’re an ass.”
He caught it easily and tossed it back, “And you’re still naked. Get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. We need to hydrate and refuel.”
“But I’m not hungry.”
“Well I’m starving.” He crossed back to the bed and leaned down to kiss her softly, “And a man can’t survive on Lemon alone.”
She giggled as he stood back up, “You’re such a goof.”
“No.” He glanced back at her, “I’m not, at least not usually.”
Her heart warmed and her smile softened when their eyes met. Something passed between them unsaid but they both understood. She lightened something in him and he’d helped to do the same for her this morning. Together, it was easier for both of them to carry their loads.
Shane broke first, “Kitchen. Come on. You need water and protein or you’ll be sore. Move it Lemon.”
“Bossy bastard.”
“Sexy submissive.” He winked as he left the room and Lemon gaped after him.
She wasn’t submissive. Was she? She was headstrong and independent. She did things her own way. She always had.
Nobody told her what to do. She bit her lip and wiggled against the bed, feeling the dull ache that meant her ass was probably still pink. Except Shane.
He told her what to do all the time. He always had. Only instead of annoyin
g her, his orders turned her on now. Maybe, secretly, they always had. Because she’d always listened to him. Even when she did the exact opposite of whatever he was saying, it had only ever been to get more of his attention. She’d always craved his praise. Now, apparently, she also craved his punishments.
Lemon grinned as she pulled his shirt over her head. She was surprisingly okay with that. She’d been completely into the spanking and the rough sex against the door. She’d never come so hard in her life. And, once her cheeks weren’t quite so tender, she fully intended to provoke him into doing it again.
Her body ached deliciously as she stood up and pulled on a pair of Shane’s sweats as well. They were too big and she had to roll them at the waist and ankle but they were comfortable. She curled her arms around herself and buried her nose in the material, inhaling that distinctly male musk that was all Shane.
It was the strangest thing that it could both make her edgy and needy and also comfort and soothe.
She finger combed her hair as best she could in the mirror and then walked out into the hallway, taking in Shane’s home as she did. She wasn’t surprised to find that it was just that. A home. Warm and inviting, Shane had created a space for his family and friends to gather and relax and enjoy themselves.
The hallway was lined with framed photographs. Most of them were of his kids. His girls as he called them. But a few of them included Shane too and those were the ones that caught her eye.
There was one of Shane holding up a fish while Sophie made a funny face. Another showed him smiling at the camera in his full police uniform, Rosie clutched to his side proudly holding up her kindergarten graduation diploma. But it was the one of Shane in a rocking chair with a buddle of pink blankets in his lap that stopped her in her tracks.
From the age of him in the photo, it was immediately clear to her that the baby bundled to his chest was Georgie. He looked so young but there wasn’t any awkwardness in the way he held the baby. Only confidence and a little bit of awe and so much love that it radiated out from the framed photograph.”
Lemon raised her hand and touched his face as a sharp pain lanced her chest. She recognized it for what it was this time. Longing. Not just for one of those sweet little babies of her own. She did want that. But she wanted the boy in that photo too and even more so, she wanted the man he’d become.
