I knew if I saw him, I would break. “Go away,” I gritted through my teeth.
“I can’t do that. It hurts too damn much to be without you. Stop punishing me. It’s tearing me up inside. I have to be with you.”
“No…you did this. I-I know what you did.” I covered my eyes tightly with my fingers. “I know you called Tamala. All some sick game because you thought you were losing me, wasn’t it? You wanted to put me in my place, so you had her beat me up and take away my dog. So I would have no one. So I would only have you. You’re a disgusting person who doesn’t deserve me.”
“Nikki? No.” He leaned in, swaying his lips against mine. “I love you, baby. Open your eyes and let me back in.”
I opened my eyes and wished I hadn’t. The view of his red-streaked scleras broke me further. Unsuccessfully, I sucked in a sob. “Don’t…look at me that way.”
“I…need you so fucking much,” he whispered heatedly against my lips.
“Shut…up!” My voice quaked as my body trembled violently. He gently kissed my lips as I shook with tears. “No,” I groaned, moving away from his kiss. “Why can’t I hate you? You deserve every ounce of my hatred. You don’t deserve me. I let you go. I dismissed you. Leave.”
“No,” he growled as he ran his lips across the bridge of my nose. “Even if you thought you could hate me, I’d never let you. I’ll never allow you to leave me.”
I covered my eyes and wept. He sank down my body, kissing me here and there…gently, carefully. Pulling up my sweatshirt, he slipped it over my head. He cupped both of my breasts, intermittently running his thumb and lips across my nipples before taking them into his mouth.
My apex began to throb and tighten. My nipples turned taut under the heat and suction of his mouth.
He slipped further down my body, draping my legs over his shoulders. He gently kissed the latest cut on my thigh. “You don’t have to do this anymore, baby,” he whispered. “I’ll be everything you need from now on. I promise.”
I palmed my face as I cried with intemperance.
He slowly ran his tongue up my slit. He did it repeatedly, ending with gentle circles around my clit.
I bit my lip and moaned, trying not to move too fast and bring about the pain of my still mending body; he made it very hard. He’d been fully educated on how to manipulate my body—it was evident the first time, and evident now. He made sure to remind me of the extent of his knowledge with how quickly he made me come.
He slipped up, clasping my head in his hands, and slowly pushed his way inside.
“Eric,” I gasped.
“I’m right here, Nik. Will always be right here,” he whispered.
He rocked me slowly, deeply, and softly. Taking me in a way he never had before. With our eyes glued to one another, something felt so different.
I clasped my hands in his as he held me, rocking me in slow and steady strokes.
When I clenched around his girth, in the throes of euphoria, he sputtered and came quietly with me.
Closing my eyes in the warm bath, I felt comforted by the relaxing Epsom salts that served to alleviate my lingering pain. Eric sat on the edge of the tub while fully clothed. His pants were rolled up to his knees with only his feet in the water as he massaged foot. “How’s your pain?”
I opened my eyes and fingered the bubbles. “Please, don't doctor me. I’ve never had a doctor slash patient fantasy.”
“It’s the better option over discussing the things I know you want to talk about.”
“I know you won’t answer my questions. It will be; I pose a question and you have sex with me. Can’t do that. Last night was hard enough. I have to rest my aches.” I sighed, “I’m so sick of being in pain.” Both the emotional and the physical.
“Are you telling me that you don’t enjoy the pain anymore?”
“No, because I’m still with you.”
“Yeah…” He dropped my foot and sat up tall. “That didn’t hurt at all, Nik,” he added sardonically.
“Why did he call you Ethan, unless you were Ethan?”
He rolled his shoulders and slipped his feet out of the tub. He swung his position, turning his back on me.
“No, Eric, it’s not going to do. Mrs. Hobbins came to me with information about a boy named Ethan… Ethan—“
“Brae.” He took in a deep breath and held it. “I changed my name, because I didn’t want to be known as the boy who survived a tragedy all my life. That’s all.”
“I kind-of like the name Ethan more than Eric,” I deadpanned. “You look more of an Ethan than an Eric.”
He playfully glared at me. “I’d rather you called me asshole like it was really my name before you called me Ethan.”
“How do you know, Dom?”
He strongly gripped the edge of the tub. “Itching not to bury my mouth in your pussy right now. You should change the subject, if you want to prevent me from doing that thing you claim I do to make you change the topic.”
“We all have our skeletons. You’d be surprised what mine are.”
He looked over his shoulder at me with a dead calm. “Hardly anything surprises me. I wish I could believe the same in return.”
“You don’t think I can handle the information?”
“I know you wouldn’t be able to. But…be patient. We’ll get around to sharing the full extent of all our dirty secrets. It’s inevitable.”
I sunk in the tub, feeling slightly defeated. I wasn’t any closer than I was before. Seemed like I was right back inside the situation I didn’t want to be in. Thinking about all that I’d lost, brought about the memory of someone I abandoned. “I-I need to check on someone.”
He raised a brow. “Whom do you need to see?”
“Trent.”
“No,” he commanded.
“It wasn’t a question.”
“And that wasn’t a request.”
Without a word, I cut my eyes at him, letting on that I wasn’t going to do whatever he told me do to anymore. He’d lost that privilege and needed to gain it back.
He abruptly slid into the tub, soaking his clothes. He grabbed me and pulled me to astride his lap. While brushing his lips against mine, his fingers dallied with my sex. “How much do you like being fucked by me, Nik?”
My lip quivered as he teased me. “A-a lot.”
“If you want to continue—being fucked by me—I suggest you listen to me when I tell you to do something. Else, I could make your life a living hell. Say…by walking around naked. Jacking off in front of you while telling you all the dirty little things I want to do to you—all the things that get you wet. The whole time I’m doing things to torture you, I’ll never give you the one thing you claim to love so much. And you’ll never be able to slip those fingers inside your cunt to the thought of it, either.”
“And how are you going to manage to do that?” I asked through a moan.
He slid his fingers inside me, calling me moan. “By tying you to the bed until I’m able to watch you.”
My will to make him pay suddenly broke apart and laid fragmented on the floor. “Y-you’re cruel and slightly sadistic.”
“…and you love it, my twisted angel, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I moaned. He arched and thrashed his fingers inside, manipulating my pleasure point. I gripped the edges of the tub as my body shook. Under heavy lashes, I gazed at him. “Y-you’ve threatened me with a lot of things….before….mmm…t-things you d-didn’t—fuck….m-make g-g-good on.”
“Are you going to come, baby?”
“Y-yes.” He immediately stopped. I groaned and dropped my head. “You’re fucking evil.”
He slowly sneered. “Give me a break, Nik. A crazy ex pummeled your face into the pavement and…Maisha. It was a bad fucking time. Tell you what; I don’t care if you’re sore. You’re getting fucked.”
Halfway to his destined purpose, we were preempted by the doorbell. “Shit,” he muttered.
“Don’t answer it.”
�
��I have to.”
I looked at him with question.
“Trust me, you’re going to like this…a lot.” He slipped out of the tub. The water dripped off his clothes, showing his perfect form underneath his T-shirt and fleece trousers. He quickly dried off and disappeared out of the bathroom.
I carefully slid out of the tub. I dried off as well and slipped into an oversized sweatshirt.
From my bedroom, I heard something jingle just outside the door. I heard it again along with clacking against the hard floors and the panting of an animal. Something scratched at the door. At the moment I opened the door, I fell to my knees. The young Rottweiler came over to me, licked my face, and tried to chew on my hair. I threw my arms around her, holding her close.
I gazed up at Eric through my tear soaked eyelashes while he stood in the hall with a broad smile. “Thank you.”
“She’s six months old. A nurse I work with breeds them. She gave her to me for free. She’s not meant to be a replacement.”
“There will never be a replacement for Maisha. She gave her life for me, even though she wasn’t mine for very long.” I looked into the face of my new puppy as she continued to gnaw on my hair. “I’m going to call you…Kifo.”
“…which means?” he asked through an angled brow.
I gave him a sullen smile. “A recollection of what’s filled my past and a prediction of what will probably fill my future.” I looked down at Kifo, unwilling to explain further.
“Hey,” Trent drawled as he opened the door to his guest house. It seemed his parents rebuilt over the remains of the old guest house that Trent burned down. What they erected in its place was twice the size of the original.
“You look high,” I said of his heavy lids and bloodshot eyes. “Isn’t that the same act that burned this place down the first time? Do your parents know you broke your sobriety?”
“It’s weed. My father does it, too. It’s my pass. It’s fine. It calms me down. Watch. It’ll be legal everywhere.”
“Never happen.” I walked into the guest house and followed him to the loft area upstairs. The French door that led to balcony was ajar. I took in the sunset that painted everything with a dark amber hue. “Seems I’m destined to be surrounded by death. No matter how hard I try to keep people out of my life…things happen.”
“I heard about your neighbor croaking. She was like…the ex-wife to a city councilman. All over the news. Fucked up how her husband left her for her sister. Tough shit for her, eh?”
I fingered the doorframe. “The places we end up when we die. We get torn to pieces and injected with poison, so our love ones can supposedly mourn properly. Seeing my mother that way…didn’t help me to mourn. I still haven’t really felt it.”
“I want to be stuffed with herbs and wrapped with gauze or some shit when I die. Preserved like a mummy. Have my own crypt and sarcophagus. That would be pretty kickass, right?”
I glanced over at him as he sat on the couch. “I see you’re still an idiot.”
He flipped me the bird and grabbed a hold of his bong. He sank in the middle of his sofa as he took a hit. “Want to light up?” he asked in smoky, tight tone. “Wait. Why am I asking you? If it doesn’t come in a tan bottle, you don’t want it.”
“Today? I don’t care.” I flopped down next to him and nudged him. “Share.”
With a surprised grin, he handed it to me, and lit it. I pressed my mouth against the tube and sucked it in, holding it for a moment, then blew it out from my mouth. “Who the hell is this girl?”
“She doesn’t know who she is anymore,” I responded through a croak. “She thinks all the people that said she was crazy were right.”
“No one’s sane. That’s just shit you know. We’re all crazy. Some of us just hide it better than others. Some of us go crazy because we see the crazy in everybody else. It’s like that accident everybody pretends didn’t happen. You keep grabbing people, pointing at it, but they pretend they can’t see it. You’re all like, ‘Did you see that? No, really, did you see that?’ They keep on walking, looking back at you, like you’re the one who’s insane. No one wants to blow the high, right?”
I nodded at the only profound thought he’d ever shared with me; it must’ve been the weed. “Who was your friend? The one you saw with Dr. C.?”
“She went back home.” He took another toke. “I knew the hacker who worked for the sites. Nation X. He told me lots of shit. Fun fact. There was a Dr. A., and a Dr. B. before C. came along. Dr. A died while back. Colon cancer, I think. B.? He went off to build houses for kids in Africa earlier this year or some shit. Got married and fuck all. C.’s gone. Guess cause of you. ‘Cause now there’s a Dr. D.” He started to giggle. “Dr. D.” He sat back, contemplating me with heavy-lidded eyes. “Wanna fuck? I can hurt you, if you want me to.”
“No. I came here to avoid locking myself inside my bathroom.”
“Do you still think about it…what we promised?” His tone turned weighty as he looked distantly at the wall. He referenced a suicide pact we made during our lowest point. Looking back, it seemed so inane. If there was to be a low point in my life, it would be the day my mother died. The day I lost the one person who was supposed to love me despite my internal ugly.
“I don’t think about it. Neither should you. It was moronic. It was a permanent fix to an unimportant and temporary issue.”
“You wanna be remembered? That’s the way you do it. I have to show you something.” He stood up and staggered to the end of the room. He pulled a metal lockbox from the oak armoire and sat next to me with it on his lap. After fiddling with the lock, he showed me what was inside.
“Suddenly, I feel like we’re twelve. We’re in the basement while you show me the new shiny gun your father has. Aren’t we too old for this?”
“Not when it’s mine.”
“How did you get approved for a gun when you’ve been in the psych ward more times than anyone I’ve ever met?”
“It’s easier than you think it is.” He fingered the gun in his hands and put his finger on the trigger. He cocked the hammer of the .45 pistol and pointed it in the air.
“I think you mean illegal. Why do you have a gun, Trent?”
“Someone tried to scare me.”
“Who?”
“Do you love him?”
“Love who?”
“Dr. C?”
I glanced at the way he handled the gun, not exactly comfortable with his motions. “His name is Eric, and I don’t know if I do or not.”
“Wanna do it? I’m ready when you are.”
“I think you’re screwing up what’s supposed to be my high.”
“You have no one now. Why stay around? You said you would die, if you lost your mom. She’s gone. Now what? Do you think we’ll be together? Will we be together in like heaven or hell?”
I stood tall, standing in front of him. “I don’t like the way you’re talking. Give me the gun, Trent.” I darted my hand out.
He turned the gun in my general direction. “Am I scaring you?”
“No.”
“I know you’re scared of death. You would’ve died. You wouldn’t have fucked up three times at trying to die.”
“Get the gun out of my face, Trent.”
He slowly moved it away, holding it on his lap. “It’s not loaded. Relax.” He rocked his finger against the trigger. “Did you ever love me? Did you feel anything for me? Will you miss me when I’m gone? I swear I’ve been lit for you for too long.”
“You never really loved me. You don’t love me. I don’t know whatever it is you think you feel for me, but it isn’t love.”
“You don’t know that. You can’t know that. I’ve never been with anyone else but you.”
I rolled my eyes and sat on the coffee table. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?”
“It was so obvious. Won’t get that chance again, huh? If I asked you tonight, would you give me another chance? Can’t ask. He said he would kill me.” He san
k back on the couch.
“Who?” I asked through irritation
“Why don’t you love me? Why won’t you sleep with me? Not now…but before. You just sort-of…left me.”
I cast my eyes to the floor. “I don’t feel the same for you as you think you do for me.”
“Then, do you love him?”
“How many times are you going to ask me that?”
“Until you tell me the truth.”
“Your truth.”
“Nikki,” he groaned. “Do you…love him?” He nearly choked on the question.
I looked off at the open doors, opening my mouth before I could overthink it. “I…I do.”
“Thought so. Tell Dr. C. he won.”
I rubbed my temples, increasingly frustrated. “What are you talking about?”
“Hey, Nikki?”
“What?” I snapped.
“I always loved you.” In a blur, he slipped the barrel inside his mouth.
Something like a firecracker sounded off.
Blood and flesh spattered on the wall directly behind Trent.
His head lobbed over as his mouth smoked and blood dripped from his mouth.
His gaze was stuck in stillness as a single tear worked its way down his cheek.
My legs stood involuntarily.
I gaped at the scene.
There was a commotion downstairs. His mother’s whiny voice inquired about what was going on. She marched upstairs, complaining, calling Trent names as she always did.
But when she saw the condition of her son, she let out a bloodcurdling scream.
Nothing could stop me. I had a single purpose when I walked inside my mother’s home. I went straight to my bathroom and locked the door. I emptied my drugstore bag in the sink. I didn’t know if Eric was home. In the moment, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the feeling. I needed to make the feeling go away. Needed to cure it. Wanted it gone.
The Sordid Promise Page 22
