by Pamela Ann
I couldn’t for the life of me tarnish the image she had of her brother. Therefore, I had told her that he and I had a row, which escalated rather quickly before he walked out of the room and went for a drive. I sensed she knew I wasn’t telling the entire truth since she had found me naked with a sheet barely covering me. But she didn’t press further, and I was relieved. My delicate state wouldn’t have been able to handle the pressures her questions would have had on me.
Juan’s parting words didn’t leave me, the impact too great to miss, like a wretched premonition.
If I die today … tomorrow, it’s still worth it. Every. Single. Second.
Juan Torres might be dead, but he lived through me, reminding me of the dark gift he had left me.
Juana had texted me earlier about the schedule for his wake and funeral. They were also holding a memorial service so the fans could participate and remember him.
How could I bring myself to go back to Barcelona after all that had happened? What’s more, going to his funeral where people remembered him with kind words was something I couldn’t swallow. He had been kind, but he had something dark hidden underneath the charming smiles. Juan had robbed me of will, my humanity, and I couldn’t go there and sing his praises. I just fucking couldn’t.
Even my agent, Addison, had called and asked how dire the situation was, and if she needed to hire a team to spin the news so that I wouldn’t look like I had murdered him. I told her to calm down. It hadn’t gotten that far. Besides, I didn’t think his family would pursue anything. Juan Torres died due to a car crash and not from the argument we had, an argument about him not owning to being a cold-hearted rapist. That last bit I didn’t dare divulge to my agent. She would freak, and besides, who would want to air their dirty laundry like that? The last thing I wanted was pity. Besides, I didn’t want to be seen as a victim.
Whatever damage Juan had inflicted on me, I would deal with it on my own. But as of right now, all I could fathom was getting through the day.
I was numb, so numb that I couldn’t even muster a tear for Juan. He had been a sweet man in the beginning, but my mind wouldn’t let me remember him that way.
So, no going to his wake or his funeral. As far as I was concerned, the man was alive, living through me, tormenting my mind and each waking moment.
My phone beeped, breaking me out hate-filled trance. Reaching for my mobile that sat on the side table, I huffed out a sigh.
If this is Addison or Juana again, I’m going to fucking scream.
Phone in hand, I held my breath as I unlocked it. It was a message from Anton, and another from Kyle Matthews, received hours ago while I struggled in nightmare.
I opened Kyle’s first.
Hey, I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope you’re okay. Just know you have a shoulder to cry on if you feel the need to vent out, or just want someone there for you. I’m sorry this happened. You can get through this. You’ve had it worse. You’re a strong girl. I’m here. Don’t hesitate if you need anything.
Oh, Kyle, if only you knew the truth. My heart cried out at his heartfelt message. Kyle was updated on everything. I could only imagine the horrors the Spanish tabloid gossip sites were concocting.
Tapping on Anton’s message, my eyes stared into the screen.
Please tell me this isn’t true. Are you back home, or are you still in Barcelona? If you need me, I’m one floor up or a call away. Love you, sprinkles.
There was an attached a link.
I tapped on it, and it immediately directed me to a news website. Great. My name would forever be attached to Juan Torres now.
Collapsed to His Death: Spanish Heartthrob, Juan Torres, Spent The Night With Co-Star and American Darling, Cara Quinn, Before Crashing His Car
Sources are saying that the ex-girlfriend of our beloved Viking, River Ellis, was naked with only a thin sheet to cover her body when she found Juan Torres collapsed on the floor, pooling in his own blood.
After a wild night of partying, hundreds of witnesses say the two lovebirds couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They danced …
My hands shook as I dropped my phone to my side. There were a lot of people passed out and had woken up to my hair-raising screams. About fifty people to be exact, and that didn’t include the ones who were scattered, passed out on the grounds and pool/dance area.
What was next? To be hounded by the press? God, I could only handle so much. I was already hanging on by a fine thread, barely sleeping and never eating. When I was distraught, I retreated into my shell, coping the only way I knew how. But I was barely getting by. I might be alive, but that was all there was. I was completely shattered, drained from everything else that used to matter to me.
When would this end?
I wiped a tear away, feeling abandoned and overwhelmed.
The nightmare just wouldn’t stop.
“Make it stop,” I sobbed in vain as I curled into a ball, shivering and shaking like a traumatized little girl. I was already broken. There was nothing left to break. Regardless, the ball kept on rolling, far from done steamrolling through me and everything else I had worked so hard to build.
Gripping my hand against my chest, I roughly heaved as I shut my eyes.
This too shall pass. Now’s not the time to break. Never complain, never explain.
Just breathe … in and out … breathe.
Count backwards.
Keep breathing.
There you go. Keep on, keep on…
You’re alone, and you’re going to face this alone. Always remember that. YOU. ARE. ALONE. Don’t fall now, you’ve worked too hard to get where you are.
So, breathe, for fuck’s sake. Tomorrow’s another day.
My phone beeped once more, making my heart thud ever so loudly against my ribcage. I decided to ignore it, but after five minutes, I figured if it were important, I would rather know now than later.
Grasping the damn device again, I quickly grabbed it and felt my insides shrivel upon seeing Willa’s name. She was always bad news, but I opened the message, anyway.
I’m sorry your boyfriend died. I hope you’re okay. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. If you’re worried about River, he’s fine. He moved on way before you guys broke up. He’s been seeing Petra Smirnova. I think this is for the best. You two fight too much, anyway. I’ll see you around. Take care.
The Bulgarian-Russian model, five years older than him and the hottest thing strutting down the runway this year.
Willa’s message seemed all innocent, but I could totally tell she was delighted River was now out of my grasp. If she truly cared, she wouldn’t have told me that, would she? Yeah, she was the little conniving cunt working her way around, manipulating things because she could, and the fact that she just plainly hated me.
Like the total masochist that I was, I searched for any news of them together. One could always count on TMZ to give you all the celebrity updates. With him dating a famous model, it surely attracted more media coverage. Sure enough, there it was … my kryptonite.
River and Petra were at a club last night, here, in Los Angeles when he was supposed to be in Vancouver, preparing for his tour tomorrow. There were hundreds of pictures of them leaving the hotspot, holding hands as he led her to a black Lamborghini before they both drove off to wherever they were going next. Most likely to River’s pad, so he could fuck her brains out.
My eyes blurred as I stared at their pictures. He moved on. That was why he didn’t want me to come to him, while leaving me hanging without any promise of tomorrow.
Even doused in this soul-destroying ache Juan had inflicted on me, I still managed to hurt a little more. My heart palpitated, constricting from the loss of my best friend, my champion, my protector, and the love of my life.
He wanted to cut ties with me …
… I would grant him his wish.
Something shifted in my heart. More importantly, something shifted in my brain. Like a switch.
I just knew then that I had to release all ties with River. To accomplish that, I had to start from the very beginning …
… To the place where it all began.
The promise tree.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Before I burned my memories of him to ashes, I felt the need to say goodbye this time around and air out whatever grievances I had held on to. In doing so, I would truly be shutting the door to my past forever.
With my damn phone in hand, I dialed his number. And as expected, I knew he wasn’t going to take the call. He had put me straight to voicemail. My temper threatened to overtake me the second I heard the familiar beep.
“Go date that model; I don’t give a fuck! You think you’ve played me? Ha, well, the jokes on you. I hate you! I hate every damn thing about you, so we’re even. I’m done fucking around. I’m done playing these stupid games. I’m going burn every-goddamn-thing that reminds me of you. I’m going to erase you from my fucking life and cut every-damn-thing that binds me to you. I’m going to start where this whole bullshit began, and I’m going to set it on fire! I’m setting myself free of you. You’re nothing but a self-indulgent nitwit who loves to date airheads to make yourself feel validated. And as for me, I’ll fucking give thanks the second I burn all that bullshit to ashes the second I get there. No more ball and chains. So, have a fan-fucking-tastic life, asshat!”
Ending the call, I took a deep breath and felt myself overcome by serene calmness. My body relaxed. The achy heart, flat and lifeless.
It was time to say goodbye.
Something snapped me out of my funk. I got to my feet and took a match that sat next to my candles before I yanked my purse off the table and hunted down my car keys. I was out the door, revving up the engine in less than five minutes time.
The drive on the 101 Freeway, heading north towards Oxnard, was filled with traffic. The hour and a half drive took another hour until I finally exited the ramp.
Upon seeing my old stomping grounds, I was awash with memories of River and I together. The simpler times.
My throat closed up as I took the road that led me to Mattie’s home, and when I drove past it, my heart jackhammered against my chest.
Mattie, does she hate me now? Tears prickled in the back of my eyeballs, and I had to blink it away a few times before I sniffed as I took a slight turn towards the open field crowded with wild flowers and the small orange grove.
There were several scattered vehicles around, so I parked next to the pavement, past caring if I was going to be ticketed. All I cared about was getting on that hill and finally releasing the spiritual binding I had with him. It would erase him.
I was so consumed with my mission that I didn’t even consider my footwear. As I trudged along the cultivated land, the three-inch booties dug its soles into the earth, making my trek a little strenuous. From the grove, it would take me another ten minutes to reach the hills. Another mile-hike up until I reached that blasted tree.
The muscles in my calves contracted with each step, but I couldn’t care less. I just wanted to get this over and done with today, so I could get on with my miserable life without having to deal with my emotions concerning River. My life was in shambles, add on the heartbreak, and I should be in a mental institution. So yes, drastic measures had to be taken to ease the pain of losing him.
I was heavily panting the moment I reached the trail that led me to my destination. My back began to ache as I began to hike, all the while cussing my idiotic self for not thinking about proper footwear. With the sun beating down my back, I wiped a trickle of sweat across my forehead with the back of my hand before closing my eyes to take a lungful of air.
Juan’s face flashed before my closed lids, watching me …
He was naked, mesmerized as he looked down on my helpless body propped up against the pillows he had lodged under my belly. He let out a satisfying groan, admiring his handiwork before his large hand took hold of my ankle, gliding it to the side, parting my legs while those rabid eyes hungrily gawked at my pussy, semen smeared on the sides of my thighs with a little bead hanging at the hood of my labia. He paused, admiring the sight before he reached down to his member and began to climb the bed, ready to ravage my weak body again.
I snapped my eyes opened as trepidation filled me, consuming me, fearing what my mind decided to torment me next.
Desperate to erase the images out of my thoughts, I mustered enough strength and began to almost run the uphill trail, never stopping even though my legs were threatening to buckle. I fought on until the large tree finally came into view. It was a hundred feet away off the trail, so I had to march off the path, stomping bushes, ragweed, and wild flowers along the way. The large oak tree shadowed over me as my eyes jumped from one boulder to the next.
We had buried it underneath a boulder, but I had no clue which one. There were quite a lot them, about a dozen or so. It had been several years since I had been here, and my damn razor-sharp memory remained mum, offering no help whatsoever.
I began at the closest boulder, kneeling over it as I shoved it with all my might before I began to dig into the moistened dirt. Five minutes later, there was no sign of a blue tin can.
“Damn. Where the fuck is it?” I groaned with frustration as I scanned each massive rock, questioning my sanity as I did so.
“Looking for this?” a voice came from behind the oak tree.
I blanched as I looked up to find River, a murderous looking River. He shook the tin as if to make sure the contents were still inside. The round tin seemed so small in his hand.
My heart pounded as I stood up, hastily brushing off the dirt on my knees. “Give it to me!” I demanded as I gazed at him with trepidation, exhilaration, and hatred all in one scornful glance.
“You wanna burn it?” Unperturbed, he took a few steps, stopping five feet away from me. “Good, I’ll help you. I don’t do cheating sluts, anyway.”
Oh, the barb! I didn’t feel shit. How dare he accuse me of cheating when he was running around town with some super model? He could kindly go fuck himself. Oh wait, I bet he already did that and then some before getting here.
His dark, savage eyes drilled into my own, unwavering as he pulled the tin open as he closely watched my reaction before harshly spilling its contents on the ground. He pulled a lighter from his back pocket and flipped it open, a fire flickering to life. Still holding my gaze, he dropped the metallic lighter on top of the heap.
Letters of vows. All of his previous Valentine’s cards containing lyrical poetry describing us and our love. Pictures of us. Dozens of promise letters with our bloodied thumbprints. Notes of our dreams, of our future, burning …
All burned.
To ashes.
To nothingness.
He never looked down to check his fiery creation. His hardened disdain emanated from his eyes, glinting like black diamonds as they trained on me.
“You’re dead to me, Cara.” Detached and cold, he marched away, leaving me uprooted on the same spot as I hatefully watched him trudge back downhill.
“Bastard,” I hissed into thin air before my gaze dropped down to the ashes. His grandmother’s ring twinkled at me. I hesitantly plucked it under the charred memories of my past, slipping it inside the pocket of my jean shorts before I marched out of there, too.
The past buried and burned.
River just couldn’t let it go without needing to make sure I knew he was the king douchebag of the century.
How the heck had he even gotten here? How long had he been waiting for me? He was such an infuriating man, always wanting to win, always wanting to have the last word, to the very end.
Well, he could kindly go fuck himself.
Chapter Twenty-Six
River just pulled out of the parking lot in his brand new black Lamborghini. The very same one pictured with his lady model friend last night. The tires screeched so loudly as he rounded the corner, gunning it hard as if he couldn’t wait to get away from me.
He ha
d left way before I did, so what the fuck had he been doing, sitting and waiting in his car? Was he trying to make sure I didn’t light myself on fire, too?
“Asshole,” I groaned out before stepping on the pedal while I hastily maneuvered my car.
Not only did I feel grimy, sweaty, severely dehydrated, and out of my mind exhausted, my body throbbed so badly I could feel a few blisters on my feet.
It’s over…
I swallowed the excessive dryness in the back of my throat, willing myself not to shed another tear. Not for him. Not for any damn man. I’d had it. They could all go to hell.
The traffic wasn’t as bad going back home. I was so consumed with my own thoughts that I barely realized what was happening until the first car spun out of control, crashing into another vehicle. Then another. A ghastly chain reaction as I watched in terror when a large SUV crashed into the back of a black Lamborghini making it spin uncontrollably, hitting two cars before it smashed into the divider then an oncoming car sped into it, colliding directly into the hood of River’s car before it spun a few feet away.
Everything went still. A sharp, earsplitting sound echoed in my ears. I watched in agonizing horror as everything played before me like some sick, twisted joke.
I could see him from a distance, face against the wheel, unconscious. His airbag hadn’t deployed.
Then a burst of flame ignited under the wrecked hood before it turned into this massive ball of fire, engulfing the front outer exterior of the car. Meanwhile, the unaffected cars swerved around the accident as they drove on, hurrying to get to their destination.
The shock instantly wore off and my instincts kicked in. I didn’t bother turning off the engine before I sprinted out my car and ran towards his vehicle.
