by Amanda Thome
“So you’re telling me you don’t want to get with him because you’re both brilliant and attractive people that happen to get along bizarrely well? Yeah sounds like a rotten match.”
“Horrendous,” I smile. “No, I have my reasons. For starters he’s from a different sub than me. Our families aren’t from the same lineage sectors. Plus we’re just different.” I answer robotically, like it’s something I’ve rehearsed a million times before. In reality it is, I’ve told myself those things for years now as a way to protect myself from falling for him.
“Put the lineage scores aside because you’re gonna test high enough to marry into his sub. What do you mean by ‘different’?” She asks but I hesitate, deciding if I’ll answer.
“Ugh Gwen.” Do I tell her?
I haven’t told anyone my secret before, I’ve never been strong enough to bear the consequences. Maybe it’s time to let it out, to see what ill comes of it. Or perhaps I should hold it in a little longer, protect it close to my heart where nobody can get to it. I don’t know why but I resolve to tell her. Probably because I want to talk about it, and it’ll never be with Garrett.
I swallow hard and continue, “I have visions. Like ‘I’m a freak’ visions.” I say it knowing she won’t understand but I can’t bring myself to describe it all right away. She shifts in her seat then leans back to me.
“Nessa you’re gonna have to elaborate.” I exhale, thinking of what to say next.
“When I was five I had a vision one night. It was bizarre, like multiple blurred images flashing all at once but the eventual picture was my mother’s death.” I swallow, “I saw the entire thing play out a week before she died.”
“Wow,” she shifts uncomfortably, “Just that once?” She asks.
Somewhere in my brain, in the part that stores memories, tragic memories that I try to press down hoping that with enough weight they’ll sink forever into oblivion. Somewhere in that part of my brain I’ve got memories from the visions I’ve seen. I shake my head no.
“There’s been more. I saw the attack on our sector too.” Gwen’s eyes engorge. “I didn’t know when it would happen, it was blurred but I saw the foreigners’ hovercraft and the bombs. I saw all those people murdered.” I blurt it out, trying to defend my innocence.
“Geez Nessa, did you tell anyone?” I snap my head around to hers.
“No, never! Nobody knows, just us.” I sit, burrowing the heel of my boot into the brown mud that’s molded around the base of the log. “The worst part is I didn’t do anything about it.” Her eyes meet mine, they’re kind telling me to go ahead. “I can almost forgive myself for the vision with my mom. How was I supposed to know what it meant? It was my first one. I thought it was a bad dream or something.”
My heel sinks further into the lax ground.
“But I can’t forgive myself for the attack. I saw the pavilion and the bombs. If I’d told someone, maybe a regulator or an educator, they could’ve done something. I had a full five days to tell someone and I didn’t.”
“It’s okay Nessa, it’s not your fault.” I let her words wash over me, attempting to cleanse my guilt.
“You’re right. I didn’t fly the craft over that pavilion and bomb innocent people, the foreigners did that. But I didn’t try to stop them either. I was selfish. I didn’t want anyone to know about my visions. I was too afraid they’d call me a freak or exile me.”
“You were just a kid Nessa, we were fourteen. You’re allowed to be young and naïve and selfish when you’re a kid. I woulda done the same thing.” She sits, her eyes gaping absently ahead, “I’m sorry Nessa. That had to be awful.”
“Yeah,” I lower my chin momentarily.
Awful doesn’t come close to capturing it. There is no word to describe seeing your loved ones taken from you, to have a warning and yet do nothing about it.
“It’s something I don’t think Garrett would understand, that’s why we’re different.”
“I think he’d make an exception for you” she smiles taking my hand. “Let’s head back, dinner’s soon.” I take her hand as we head toward the pavilion.
I believe in the leap, I believe in Central and my family. There is a lot in this world that I believe in. I wish I could believe Garrett would understand but I know he wouldn’t.
Chapter 3
I walk home from third line, my fingers tingle in the cold. I’d gotten there earlier than usual and somehow beat Papa and Emma. I ate alone thinking about a million things at once. Gwen stirred up questions in my head. My prattled brain beat itself trying to justify why I won’t give into Garrett’s attempts. It’s obvious he’s been trying to win me over for years now, but I won’t give-in. Why? I keep asking myself. He’s my best friend, someone I can count on. I’m pretty sure that’s what you should want in your partner but still I resist. He’s gorgeous by anyone’s standards and his personality calls to me. I guess it’s because there’s still so much unknown.
The leap-test is three months away and all the uncertainty that surrounds it grips me too tightly. Three months and I’ll take a test that’s so protected, that once we’ve taken it we’re never allowed to talk about it again. Nobody knows what exactly will be on the leap since it’s against the law to discuss it. We don’t break the law, if we were caught we’d get a mark. It takes three marks to ruin your chances. All I know is I’ve spent the last ten years in education, learning and practicing the skills Central says I’ll need to take it. Top in my class or not, there’s still the unknown. What if I fail something, even if it’s just one little thing, it could ruin my life.
At seventeen I’ll take this one test that’ll decide my fate. It will tell me who I’m eligible to marry, it’ll determine my profession, the sub I’ll live in, and for one boy and girl from my year it will take us away from our sector forever. Two of us get to cross the concrete walls that divide us from Central and start a new life over there, a better life.
I suppose there’s just too much pressure mounting lately to bother giving into Garrett’s attempts. Too many worries drive me away, worries that we won’t test into the same sub, won’t get to work together, or worse, only one of us will make the leap.
I stumble up our walkway into our modest home. Papa and Emma already left for third line. I must’ve just missed them. I unzip my blue jacket and lay it across the table. My hands work out the knots in my long chestnut brown hair. It’s unruly but it’s still one of my best features. I shed my clothes as I walk toward the sleeping quarters. It’s a simple room Emma and I share. One bed, one dresser, and a single closet. We don’t need much. Emma has a single spiraling shell she’s kept since childhood, it sits on the dresser. Margaret, the relief-worker that cared for Emma since she was a baby had given it to her. She told Emma that if she held it to her ear she’d hear the ocean.
I always liked listening to Margaret’s stories. She was in her late seventies when she came to care for Emma. She’d lived a full life, with more experiences than I’ll probably ever have. Margaret was born in the Outer sector. She used to tell us stories about the ocean that bordered her home. Emma and I would sit in awe as we’d strain to picture endless blue water. We’re landlocked here in the Inner, chances are I’ll never see an ocean. Margaret told us stories of her fishing with her father, pulling nets out of the water that swelled with glistening fish.
The shell was the only thing Margaret had from her former life. As is customary in the Outer sector, they take their leap when they turn fifteen. All those years ago Margaret had been top girl. She’d made the leap from the Outer into our Inner sector. She got herself a step closer to Central. Sometimes when she’d talk about the Outer I’d sense she was sad, I could almost feel the sadness inside her. Life over there was harder, it was different than ours here. I think the adjustment was a challenge for her even after living here for sixty years. I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Margaret, it had to be hard never seeing her parents or sisters again.
I pick-up the shell and hold it next
to my ear, I let the whooshing sound take me away as I close my eyes, picturing the ocean that lays across the concrete walls separating us from the Outer. It calms me as I imagine sitting on the grains of sand Margaret said bordered the ocean. I can almost feel the sand creeping between my toes as I sink into the tan grains. I open my eyes again, setting the shell back on our brown dresser. I make my way over to the bed, sitting down on top of the grey covers. I lower myself back to my elbows. Out of the corner of my eye I see a folded piece of paper sitting on my pillow.
I grin, snatching it up. Another one of Garrett’s creations. This one’s a swan. He spends days turning sheets of paper into these little animals. He knows they make me smile which is why he gives them to me when he’s done. I turn it over in my hands, its wings stick out from the sides as it sits in my palm. I carefully pull it open stretching the paper to see his messy writing centered on the sheet.
‘Nessa, congrats on ending education today. It’s a big deal and I’m proud of you. Don’t spend your night like a ball of nerves (I know how you are). Just breathe. Tomorrow we start preparing. Before you know it we’ll be at the banquet accepting the leap together. See you tomorrow at our spot.’
I grin as I fold the paper back into the swan. I swing my long pale legs off the bed and walk to the dresser. My fingers wrap around the worn knob as I open the top drawer and set it next to the other folded notes he’s made for me. I listen to the shell one last time before I crawl into bed for the night.
Chapter 4
My family called me Tyler in the Outer. I always liked Ty better but my mom wouldn’t let me shorten it. It didn’t take me long to change it though, I was on the hover for all of ten minutes before I decided to leave Tyler behind and go by Ty. I set my mind to it and when that happens there’s no turning back. I was going to be a new me, I had to change and grow up.
The move from the Outer seems like a blink ago, mind blowing to think it’s almost been two years. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. At fifteen I had to leave my parents and brothers behind. My mother bawled when I made the leap, it wasn’t happy tears either. I know she was proud and all but that wasn’t it, she was broken. I could hear it between her sobs, sort of like an empty straining noise.
The day my uncle Dan died in a mining accident my aunt Ginny cried like that. She just sat in the corner, cradling his work-jacket, wailing like an animal. That was the last day I ever saw her. Central took Dan’s things the next day and she went ballistic, I mean crazy.
They said she’d lost touch with reality. Central said she was unfit to be a citizen so they sent her away, beyond the walls. Sometimes I wonder how she’s doing, wonder if she’s still alive. I think about Ginny and my family a lot, more than a lot, almost all the time.
My youngest brother Sammy will take the leap next year. Michael didn’t make it otherwise he’d have been transferred to the Inner last year. The day the newbs were coming in last year I sat at the hover pad waiting, hoping Michael would walk off the hover, but he didn’t. I’d hoped but I didn’t really expect he’d make it. I doubt Sammy will either. They don’t have ‘sight’ like me. Not like I know what that means, it’s just what my mom called it. All I know is it gives me a leg up during the leap.
It was my ‘sight’ that got me out of the Outer in the first place. Doubt I would’ve accepted the offer without it, probably not even scored high enough to worry about being offered the leap anyway. Back then I couldn’t imagine leaving home. I didn’t care about going to the Inner, average was fine with me. That’s not how we’re programmed to think but I couldn’t force myself to want to leap, not till I saw her.
I had six months ticking away before my birthday. Three months of classes and skills training before I’d finally be left alone to prepare for the leap. My other classmates were brainwashed with the leap. Not me, all I had to do was make it through those three months and then I was going to basically do whatever I wanted. I was going to ‘passively learn’ as I call it. I could sleep late every day, go swimming and fishing, or do nothing at all, it was going to be awesome.
Then bam, just like that it all changed. I was diving off the cliffs that June. I leapt straight into the water and I’d taken four or five pulls down when I felt the pins and needles. I knew I was going to have sight so I booked it in the opposite direction, pulling my way to the surface but I was too late. I was paralyzed, dropping like a stone.
That’s when I first saw her, it wasn’t clear but my sight never really is. It comes in patches and it’s my job to put it together. I saw her lips, full and pink. Cold air was pushing between them. Her brown hair was dancing in the wind. It fell past her shoulders, curling at the ends. Her deep blue eyes stood out against her pale skin. She was gorgeous. It wasn’t so much seeing her that got me hooked, it was feeling her energy. I could feel the history between us, even though I’d never met her. I fell in love with her on the spot.
More patches flashed and I saw her on stage with me, gorgeous and proud. More patches flashed and then we were in the woods, she was walking away from me. Flash after flash filled me and I knew she was what I needed to find and protect. My sight became more ballistic as images flashed in a fast string and then she was on fire. Screaming and shrieking.
Just as fast as it came, it was gone. I pulled myself to the surface, coughing and choking for air. I dragged myself to the rocks and I cried like my aunt Ginny had. I was just a kid, only fourteen but in a blink I’d found the love of my life and lost her. Love and pain bashed through me. I had to find her and save her. Maybe my sight wasn’t a curse. I decided if I could use it to keep her alive then maybe it was a blessing.
So that’s what I did. I made it through the three months of education and instead of passively learning I studied and prepared. I had motivation; I had to get to the Inner and save her. Leap came and went and before I knew it I was at the banquet accepting the offer. I don’t know what I thought would happen when I transferred to the Inner. I guess I’d assumed she’d be here waiting for me.
It was dumb, I’ll admit, but I was just barely fifteen and naïve. I was housed with the other Outer-transfers in a separate subdivision than the native Inner citizens; I couldn’t meet her at education either since we were separated too.
That gave me two years to cover all the skills and education they’d taken a decade to learn. I don’t mind the challenge; I know I have to get on stage with her at the banquet just like I’d seen in my sight.
Last year I hardly slept. When I wasn’t in education I was studying or practicing skills. During the first winter I snuck out every night, wandering the streets looking for her. It was the first thing I’d seen in my sight. She’d been bundled in her blue uniform, winter air between her lips. I looked for her every night that winter and every night I came home empty, but I knew I had to keep trying.
Chapter 5
Garrett and I have been capitalizing on our three months before we turn seventeen, the time when Central absolves us of all obligations other than preparing for the leap-test. The closer we get to the test, the faster the time goes. Days that once seemed lengthy and endless now come and go in a blink of the eye.
His voice startles me, “You must be kidding. You call that a concealed snare?” He laughs as he heaves a stick, triggering my hunting snare. I’d painstakingly veiled it amongst the thick trees and grass, certain he wouldn’t find this one.
“Ok, no more snares today. What else do you want to practice?” I ask.
“Nessa, I don’t need to practice, I need to perfect. Get it right!” He’s kidding, but it’s true.
“Fine, let’s perfect healing.” I’ve always ‘dominated skills’ as Gwen says but healing is my shakiest area and he knows it too.
“Okay.” He pauses momentarily. “It’s the night of the banquet and you’re looking pretty amazing, by the way.” He flashes his crooked smile, making me blush. “Naturally I’m top boy. I’m standing on stage ready to accept my offer.” I roll my eyes; he can be so narcissisti
c. He crosses his arms behind his head, “I look at the crowd, everyone’s envious of my superb self and then I see your face. You botched your test because of your awful healing skills.” I shove his arm but he carries on. “I’m seriously distraught by this point, thinking of never looking into those eyes again, hearing you, or having you around, so I decide to eat churn berries in a shot to snuff myself.” He looks raptly at me. “What would you do?” He asks.
“Boil root of bine and force you to drink two cups,” I say with a smug look on my face. “Then kick your butt for being so dumb.”
Who’s he kidding? There’s no way he’d eat churn berries. He flashes a smile and I temporarily forget his penetrating eyes. He thuds down in the grass and I position myself next to him.
“Tell me something I don’t know about you” I ask.
“You pretty much know it all Nessa, except for my hygiene routines which I’ll keep to myself, thank you very much.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. Seriously.”
“Using dangerous words like ‘seriously’ could get you in trouble little lady.” I shoot him a sideways glance before I push harder.
“Come on, I really want to hear something new, anything to take my mind off the leap.” I turn-on a flirtatious smile to soften him.
“Okay...” He finally breaks. I roll on my side to cradle my head. “Our family has a mark.” He says.
“Don’t most?” I interrupt
“Yeah. Except I got the mark.”
“When?” I can’t believe he’s never told me.
